Engaged to a protestant, have some questions

[TIK]

I am engaged to a Protestant girl She has no particular denominational affiliation, and I’ve seen her strays towards fundamentalism frequently. Her theology is Sydney-Anglican (Which is quite unique compared to wider Anglicanism).

In any case, there are obviously going to be challenges that confront us. The stakes are going to be high and felt very acutely when it comes to raising our kids (Assuming God will bless us with some). Some questions:

1. Can I get married in a protestant church, with a protestant ceremony?
2. Can I take holy communion/participate in the lords supper in a protestant church?
3. Can my kids take holy communion/participate in the lords supper in a protestant church?
4. Can my kids be baptized in a protestant church?

If the answer to the above questions is yes, then I’d also like to ask how I would go about doing this: is there a special process that I would have to go through?

Is there anything else that could be sticky down the line that I should consider?

 

[Viki63]

1. Can I get married in a protestant church, with a protestant ceremony?
2. Can I take holy communion/participate in the lords supper in a protestant church?
3. Can my kids take holy communion/participate in the lords supper in a protestant church?
4. Can my kids be baptized in a protestant church?

I’m assuming you’re Catholic.
Other people will have more specific answers and be able to cite chapter and verse, but I will give you what I believe are the generally accepted answers of the church:

1. You can get married in a protestant church with a special dispensation. I’m not sure about the pastor, some people have both a pastor and a priest concelebrate the wedding.
2. If you are Catholic, you may not participate in the lord’s supper in a protestant church. That’s because participating says that you agree with what they teach, which Catholics don’t do. We believe that the Eucharist is the real presence of Christ. Many protestants don’t believe that, and those that do, unfortunately do not have access to the real presence,
3. If you are Catholic, you and your wife must promise to raise your children to be Catholic. They cannot participate in the lord’s supper in a protestant church.
4. Baptism can only happen once. A Protestant baptism is valid, but why do this if you are a Catholic? Don’t you want your children to have the fullness of the Christian faith?

I would encourage you to talk to a wise priest about your concerns. There is a lot of stickiness that could happen down the line. For example, have you discussed birth control vs NFP? How open to children is your fiance? Would she be okay with your attending mass every Sunday, since it’s a mortal sin for a Catholic not to?
God bless,

.

 

[GreyWings]

What Viki said.

Now, I understand you’re in love, but have you really discerned? I just want you to be sure, because yes, while Interfaith marriages can work, I personally would never do it because I’ve been there, done that, and ended up divorced with an annulment. (He was raised Protestant but was atheist. His family frowned upon the Catholic church - red flag and I should have bolted when I heard the anti-Catholic comments.)

Ask yourself what Viki mentions. How important is it to you to raise your future children Catholic? Is your fiancee willing to accept the Catholic Sacraments, such as Baptism and First Communion? This is important stuff so really discern and talk to her…

All the best and congrats

GreyWings

 

[10gr8kids]

I am married to a Protestant. He is a wonderful, God fearing man. I wouldn’t want anyone else for my husband or the father of my children. That being said, it isn’t easy when it comes to raising the children Catholic. My experience was that the non-Catholic party does not have to agree to raise any children Catholic. The Catholic has to agree to the best of his/her ability to raise the children Catholic, and the other party needs to be aware of this obligation.

 

[Usige]

To follow on Viki63’s answers.

You would actually require two dispensations to marry in a protestant church. The first is required to marry a non-Catholic in the first place. The second is to marry without using the Catholic marriage rite. Most diocese still require you to go through Catholic marriage prep even if married in a protestant ceremony. In order to receive the dispensation you are required to let your spouse know that you intend to raise the children as Catholic and there can be no danger that you will defect from the faith.

Raising children in an environment where both practices are treated as equal can lead to confusion for children. Much of the Catholic faith gets watered down in order to not offend the spouse by being “too Catholic.” That doesn’t mean it can’t work, but many fallen away Catholics were raised in pluralistic faith households. It can setup kids up to questioning if everything is equally true, then perhaps none of it is true?

One final word on Viki63 statement about a concelebration with a priest and pastor. While it is done, it is not supposed to be done. Canon law is very clear that a dispensation from the Catholic form of marriage should not include mixing Catholic and protestant elements. If a priest is present it should not be in the capacity of a member of the clergy.

 

[jlc2k2]

PPs have covered it pretty well so far. Regarding the Protestant wedding, I thought I’d mention how our wedding was done. I was raised Protestant and didn’t convert until a few years into the marriage. I was willing to have a Catholic service (in a Catholic Church) but my parents strongly wanted me to get married in my childhood church for sentimental (3rd generation to marry there) and financial (could do the wedding for a fraction of the cost in my hometown) reasons.

The compromise was that our Catholic deacon came to my parents’ church and performed the ceremony. The Baptist preacher was not present. We did have to get dispensation but the deacon handled that. Just thought I would mention it as it is one compromise option that may not readily come to mind.

I would STRONGLY recommend that you talk to a priest about the situation and determine what your non-negotiables are. Birth control? Regular Mass attendance? Etc. For that matter, determine what your non-negotiables are outside of religion. Have your fiance do the same. Then sit down together and figure out where the issues are. Our Catholic marriage prep was great for helping us work through that before walking down the aisle.

 

[phil19034]

NOTE: the wording of the promise regarding the kids for the Catholic party is: “promise to do everything in my power to raise the children Catholic.”

The point is that the marriage comes first. Your spouse must know about this promise, but your spouse may not agree (or change her mind later). As someone in an interfaith marriage, it is VERY hard and I would not recommend it. However, it can work if the spouse respects your faith and the Church. But in many instances, this simply isn’t the case.

Good luck and God Bless

 

[1ke]

1. Can I get married in a protestant church, with a protestant ceremony?

Yes, with a dispensation from your bishop you can do so. Otherwise, you must marry in the Catholic form. The dispensation is predicated on the following promises that you must make:

The marriage will not interfere with your practice of the faith
You will raise your children Catholic

1. Can I take holy communion/participate in the lords supper in a protestant church?
2. Can my kids take holy communion/participate in the lords supper in a protestant church?
3. Can my kids be baptized in a protestant church?

No to all of the above.

Moreover, I must ask WHY you would consider doing any of those things. Your obligation as a Catholic is to raise your children Catholic.

If the answer to the above questions is yes, then I’d also like to ask how I would go about doing this: is there a special process that I would have to go through?

To prepare for marriage, you must approach your pastor. You and your intended will need to take Catholic marriage preparation classes, regardless of whether you get married in Catholic form or receive a dispensation to marry in her church ceremony.

Is there anything else that could be sticky down the line that I should consider?

Yes.

As a Catholic, you of course know that contraception is intrinsically evil and has no part in marriage. Therefore, it is something you should discuss as many Protestants are taught falsely on this subject and do not believe contraception to be a moral evil.

Raising kids Catholic and you and the kids attending Mass every Sunday and Holy Day of Obligation, your children receiving religious instruction in the Catholic Church, and whether or not she will attend Mass with you.

What you will teach your children in the home-- Catholic prayers, Catholic devotions, following the liturgical seasons such as not eating meat on Fridays as prescribed by your conference of bishops (every Friday or in Lent depending on what country you are in). Refraining from teaching them things that will confuse them-- such as teachings of her church.

Whether or not she will consider taking RCIA classes to learn what the Church teaches to make sure she understands how you will be raising the children. RCIA catechesis is for all inquirers, whether they eventually join the Church or not. There is no obligation for her to convert, but it’s important she know what the Church teaches.

There are MANY perils in a mixed marriage. Have you really thought this through?

 

[1ke]

I’m not sure about the pastor, some people have both a pastor and a priest concelebrate the wedding.

This is specifically forbidden in canon law. If the person receives a dispensation from form, a Catholic priest may not “concelebrate” the wedding. The Catholic priest may not receive the vows. The priest can certainly attend the wedding, but he cannot officiate in any way.

Canon 1127 §3. It is forbidden to have another religious celebration of the same marriage to give or renew matrimonial consent before or after the canonical celebration according to the norm of §1. Likewise, there is not to be a religious celebration in which the Catholic who is assisting and a non-Catholic minister together, using their own rites, ask for the consent of the parties.

 

[1ke]

You would actually require two dispensations to marry in a protestant church. The first is required to marry a non-Catholic in the first place. The second is to marry without using the Catholic marriage rite.

Good point. To add to what you said… The permissions and dispensations depend upon whether the non-Catholic is baptized or not.

If baptized, it’s permission for mixed marriage, which can be obtained at the same time as a dispensation from form if the parties meet the requirements and make the appropriate promises.

If the non-Catholic is unbaptized, it is a dispensation from disparity of cult. Same promises are involved.

However, dispensations go to validity, while permission goes only to licety.

 

[pianistclare]

Op, listen to 1ke on this one.
Print out her responses.
Pray about it.
Talk to your Priest.
Good luck!

 

[1ke]

The compromise was that our Catholic deacon came to my parents’ church and performed the ceremony. The Baptist preacher was not present. We did have to get dispensation but the deacon handled that. Just thought I would mention it as it is one compromise option that may not readily come to mind…

If a Catholic deacon witnessed your exchange of consent, you had no dispensation from form. This was the Catholic form. What the deacon did obtain was permission from the bishop to have the ceremony in a place other than the parish Church. Very rare indeed.

 

[dskysmine]

1ke is correct in all accounts.
I married a protestant (German Baptist) and had both dispensations from the Bishop in Berlin, Germany.
My priest was part of the ceremony just to read one of the readings because I wanted him to be present, also because my family although mostly non practicing were a bit legalistic in wanting a priest present.
I did 6 weeks of Marriage counseling in the Catholic Church and 3 with the Pastor that married us (Although the dispensation request was started 6 months before the wedding date).
Although my case also has other details which make things a bit complicated… (my wife studied Theology in a Baptist Seminary).

Let me know if you have any questions on the process, as I’ve been there.

God bless,
D.

 

[jlc2k2]

If a Catholic deacon witnessed your exchange of consent, you had no dispensation from form. This was the Catholic form. What the deacon did obtain was permission from the bishop to have the ceremony in a place other than the parish Church. Very rare indeed.

Correct - permission to have the ceremony elsewhere and permission for the mixed marriage. The word dispensation gets thrown around so much that I sometimes forget and use it improperly.

 

[Alix1912]

I am engaged to a Protestant girl She has no particular denominational affiliation, and I’ve seen her strays towards fundamentalism frequently. Her theology is Sydney-Anglican (Which is quite unique compared to wider Anglicanism).

In any case, there are obviously going to be challenges that confront us. The stakes are going to be high and felt very acutely when it comes to raising our kids (Assuming God will bless us with some). Some questions:

1. Can I get married in a protestant church, with a protestant ceremony?
2. Can I take holy communion/participate in the lords supper in a protestant church?
3. Can my kids take holy communion/participate in the lords supper in a protestant church?
4. Can my kids be baptized in a protestant church?

If the answer to the above questions is yes, then I’d also like to ask how I would go about doing this: is there a special process that I would have to go through?

Is there anything else that could be sticky down the line that I should consider?

I am the protestant spouse in a mixed marriage. When we married my husband was a very lapsed Catholic who showed no sign of returning to his faith. We married without the dispensations (though both my pastor and I asked several times about them and my husband declined). Then about 8 months after getting married my husband rediscovered his faith and decided to become a devout Catholic again. Basically, from personal experience I would tell your fiancé to seriously think about what she is signing up for. The pressure (particularly from my husband’s current priest) on me to convert, to raise my kids 100% catholic, etc is intense. We fight about religion and how is effecting our family A LOT.

We had to go through serious amounts of hoops to get the proper paperwork from the Church to have our marriage recognized, I’m serious it’s borderline ridiculous. If you want to avoid this consult your priest a head of time.

Also you need to go through a TON of premarital counseling, not 6 weeks, not 3 months, like 6 months of it weekly, at minimum. You need to do it with both her pastor and your priest. Talk about how you are going to handle your weekly obligation for mass, how you are going to raise the kids, (and yes you need to pick which denomination you are raising them in NOW, not when they arrive), how are you going to handle Birth Control. These are a small fraction of the myriad of problems that being catholic married to a protestant is going to create and you need to work out each one.

All of this and more must be 100% and completely sorted out BEFORE you walk down the aisle. If you cannot do this or won’t, then you should not get married.

I can tell you that going on 10 years being a mixed marriage between Catholic and Lutheran MS, the single biggest thing we fight about is religion and how we are going to raise the kids with regards to religion. It completely SUCKS. I love my husband and I would never not marry him if I could do it over again, but I wish we had been able to deal with these issues prior to marriage.

If one of my kids came to me and asked if they should marry someone a different denomination than they were I would resoundingly say NO.

 

[pianistclare]

I am the protestant spouse in a mixed marriage. When we married my husband was a very lapsed Catholic who showed no sign of returning to his faith. We married without the dispensations (though both my pastor and I asked several times about them and my husband declined). Then about 8 months after getting married my husband rediscovered his faith and decided to become a devout Catholic again. Basically, from personal experience I would tell your fiancé to seriously think about what she is signing up for. The pressure (particularly from my husband’s current priest) on me to convert, to raise my kids 100% catholic, etc is intense. We fight about religion and how is effecting our family A LOT.

We had to go through serious amounts of hoops to get the proper paperwork from the Church to have our marriage recognized, I’m serious it’s borderline ridiculous. If you want to avoid this consult your priest a head of time.

Also you need to go through a TON of premarital counseling, not 6 weeks, not 3 months, like 6 months of it weekly, at minimum. You need to do it with both her pastor and your priest. Talk about how you are going to handle your weekly obligation for mass, how you are going to raise the kids, (and yes you need to pick which denomination you are raising them in NOW, not when they arrive), how are you going to handle Birth Control. These are a small fraction of the myriad of problems that being catholic married to a protestant is going to create and you need to work out each one.

All of this and more must be 100% and completely sorted out BEFORE you walk down the aisle. If you cannot do this or won’t, then you should not get married.

I can tell you that going on 10 years being a mixed marriage between Catholic and Lutheran MS, the single biggest thing we fight about is religion and how we are going to raise the kids with regards to religion. It completely SUCKS. I love my husband and I would never not marry him if I could do it over again, but I wish we had been able to deal with these issues prior to marriage.

If one of my kids came to me and asked if they should marry someone a different denomination than they were I would resoundingly say NO.

I’m sorry you had these hoops. I can assure you, that’s not everywhere.
We do have 6 months of prep time, but it’s more like once a month genial meetings with the priest. Unless there are issues that warrant more meetings. Sometimes that happens. but weekly? I’ve never heard of that! Wow.

 

[Alix1912]

I’m sorry you had these hoops. I can assure you, that’s not everywhere.
We do have 6 months of prep time, but it’s more like once a month genial meetings with the priest. Unless there are issues that warrant more meetings. Sometimes that happens. but weekly? I’ve never heard of that! Wow.

The standards for Radical Sanation are the same everywhere.

I’m saying if you are going to enter into a mixed marriage, you need to do more than once a month genial meetings with a priest. You MUST hammer out ALL the details of what your faith life as a couple and as a family with kids is going to look like. It’s easy when you are newly in love to think…“we love each other so much, we will be able to work this out…our love can conquer all”. However, no amount of love is going to instantly with hearts and rainbows solve where your kids are going to be baptized, or deal with future disagreements about NFP, or handling Sunday services and mass obligations, etc.

Once a month meetings with a priest is great when both parties are Catholic…not so much when both are not.

I’m am saying that his fiancé needs to understand she is not marrying a different denomination. It’s not like being Methodist and marrying a Baptist. You are marrying someone whose church dictates ALL aspects of their life, from meals during lent, to mandatory church attendance on high holidays, to how and when your kids are baptized/have fist communion/comfirmation, to your relationship with your OBGYN.

She has to ask:

Is she ready to have her kids raised Catholic? Is she OK dressing a daughter up like a tiny bride for 1st communion?
I she ready to take her basal body temp/check mucus/pee in a cup EVERY morning, so she can be sure she’s dong NFP correctly? What about after she’s done having kids, is she prepared to continue this regime for 20+ years until through menopause?
Is she ready to either attend mass with her husband then go to her service every weekend or split for church each week?
is she ready to figure out how to attend services with her family every holiday without her husband or have to figure out how to squeeze mass into holiday festivities as well?
Is she ready for the pressure both direct and indirect that her husband (even if he doesn’t mean to) and his priest (even if he doesn’t mean to) will put on her to convert?

These are REAL and important questions that any protestant marrying a Catholic MUST ask. They are serious, difficult and anyone who thinks they can answer them in six hour long genial meetings with a priest is fooling themselves.

Likewise a Catholic has to ask:
Am I Ok with my kids not being raised Catholic?
Am I Ok if my wife doesn’t use NFP?
Am I Ok missing mass on Sundays or Holidays if I my mass schedule is messing up a family celebration?
Can I truly marry someone who is protestant and NOT try and convert her at all not even a little bit?
Am I willing to sacrifice parts of my faith to make my marriage work?

Again SERIOUS questions…

Because of our situation my husband and I did not get to ask ourselves and each other these questions, and it is impacting our marriage in a BIG way.

Every Question has to be asked and answered before they get married. Do you honestly think they can do this in six hour long meetings…seriously???

 

[pianistclare]

The standards for Radical Sanation are the same everywhere.

I’m saying if you are going to enter into a mixed marriage, you need to do more than once a month genial meetings with a priest. You MUST hammer out ALL the details of what your faith life as a couple and as a family with kids is going to look like. It’s easy when you are newly in love to think…“we love each other so much, we will be able to work this out…our love can conquer all”. However, no amount of love is going to instantly with hearts and rainbows solve where your kids are going to be baptized, or deal with future disagreements about NFP, or handling Sunday services and mass obligations, etc.

Once a month meetings with a priest is great when both parties are Catholic…not so much when both are not.

I’m am saying that his fiancé needs to understand she is not marrying a different denomination. It’s not like being Methodist and marrying a Baptist. You are marrying someone whose church dictates ALL aspects of their life, from meals during lent, to mandatory church attendance on high holidays, to how and when your kids are baptized/have fist communion/comfirmation, to your relationship with your OBGYN.

She has to ask:

Is she ready to have her kids raised Catholic? Is she OK dressing a daughter up like a tiny bride for 1st communion?
I she ready to take her basal body temp/check mucus/pee in a cup EVERY morning, so she can be sure she’s dong NFP correctly? What about after she’s done having kids, is she prepared to continue this regime for 20+ years until through menopause?
Is she ready to either attend mass with her husband then go to her service every weekend or split for church each week?
is she ready to figure out how to attend services with her family every holiday without her husband or have to figure out how to squeeze mass into holiday festivities as well?
Is she ready for the pressure both direct and indirect that her husband (even if he doesn’t mean to) and his priest (even if he doesn’t mean to) will put on her to convert?

These are REAL and important questions that any protestant marrying a Catholic MUST ask. They are serious, difficult and anyone who thinks they can answer them in six hour long genial meetings with a priest is fooling themselves.

Likewise a Catholic has to ask:
Am I Ok with my kids not being raised Catholic?
Am I Ok if my wife doesn’t use NFP?
Am I Ok missing mass on Sundays or Holidays if I my mass schedule is messing up a family celebration?
Can I truly marry someone who is protestant and NOT try and convert her at all not even a little bit?
Am I willing to sacrifice parts of my faith to make my marriage work?

Again SERIOUS questions…

Because of our situation my husband and I did not get to ask ourselves and each other these questions, and it is impacting our marriage in a BIG way.

Every Question has to be asked and answered before they get married. Do you honestly think they can do this in six hour long meetings…seriously???

Nope. Priests don’t generally ask those things. They ask about the relationship.
Your experience is very adversarial. that is not standard.

 

[Alix1912]

Nope. Priests don’t generally ask those things. They ask about the relationship.
Your experience is very adversarial. that is not standard.

Are you the OP under a different name, because you seem to be addressing you posts that way?

Priest’s who understand the challenges facing an Inter Denominational marriage SHOULD require the couple to ask and answer those questions.

Only asking about a couple relationship might be OK when dealing with two Catholics on the same page about their faith, but it simply isn’t for a mixed denomination couple.

Since you seem to think asking and figuring out the hard questions before marriage is not standard and apparently adversarial when do you propose a mixed denomination couple answer and deal with these questions and differences?

I’m telling you that BECAUSE my husband was a lapsed catholic and showed no interest in his catholic roots when we married, we did not ask these questions or deal with these issues before we got married. So now we are having to deal with them now resulting in a lot of conflict and difficultly.

I’m saying rather than fighting over which faith the kids are brought up in AS you are bringing them up…you need to have that worked out before hand.

 

[twf]

I am married to a Protestant. He is a wonderful, God fearing man. I wouldn’t want anyone else for my husband or the father of my children. That being said, it isn’t easy when it comes to raising the children Catholic. My experience was that the non-Catholic party does not have to agree to raise any children Catholic. The Catholic has to agree to the best of his/her ability to raise the children Catholic, and the other party needs to be aware of this obligation.

This is correct. In the past the non-Catholic party was required to promise to agree to have the children raised Catholic; this is no longer the case. I am a Catholic who married a Protestant and she was simply made “aware” of my obligation. The Church obliges ME as the Catholic party to do my best to raise the children Catholic, but my wife is under NO obligation. What does this mean in practice? It is definitely a challenge.