Engaged to a protestant, have some questions

[Phemie]

Are you the OP under a different name, because you seem to be addressing you posts that way?

Priest’s who understand the challenges facing an Inter Denominational marriage SHOULD require the couple to ask and answer those questions.

I married a non-Catholic back in 1975. I have no idea what my husband was told or had to go through, I only know that he was counselled by the Catholic military chaplain on the Base where he was posted. I saw my pastor once. Other than the standard questions asked to ensure the validity of the marriage, I wasn’t asked about anything concerning my relationship with my husband to be.

I was lucky, I suppose. DH has always supported me in raising our children in the Faith. He learned prayers in a second language so that he could help our children when I wasn’t there at bedtime. He always came to church when the children were preparing for the sacraments and he made sure they understood their importance. Back in 1975 he had to promise that our children would be raised in the Faith.

 

[underacloud]

I am engaged to a Protestant girl She has no particular denominational affiliation, and I’ve seen her strays towards fundamentalism frequently. Her theology is Sydney-Anglican (Which is quite unique compared to wider Anglicanism).

1ke and others have adequately addressed your specific questions, but I’ll comment on one issue.

I am reasonably familiar with Sydney-Anglican theology. I had this brand of theology rammed down my throat at university (~15-20 years ago to be fair), and a couple of friends even ordained into their ministry. It is a particularly fundamentalist protestant theology and they have little respect for Catholicism. Many (most?) of them would not consider Catholics to be Christians. I have been told several times, in the most polite manner, that I am going to hell.

While Catholic-Protestant marriages always have certain issues, I would consider marriage between a Catholic and a Sydney-Anglican to be particularly fraught. IMO they are not compatible theologies.

So you could ask yourself a few questions. Do I want to be in a marriage where…

• my wife does not respect my faith?
• my wife is constantly worried that I am going to hell?
• my wife’s church is constantly trying to convert/save me?
• my children are taught by my wife and her church that Catholicism is evil?
• we fight over which church to attend and where our children receive sacraments?
• etc…

Now, perhaps Sydney-Anglicanism has softened since my experiences; I think it might have a little. But not enough that these issues are not still relevant. You and your fiance need to have some very open, very honest, and very direct conversations about the issues raised in this thread.

 

[Alix1912]

1ke and others have adequately addressed your specific questions, but I’ll comment on one issue.

I am reasonably familiar with Sydney-Anglican theology. I had this brand of theology rammed down my throat at university (~15-20 years ago to be fair), and a couple of friends even ordained into their ministry. It is a particularly fundamentalist protestant theology and they have little respect for Catholicism. Many (most?) of them would not consider Catholics to be Christians. I have been told several times, in the most polite manner, that I am going to hell.

While Catholic-Protestant marriages always have certain issues, I would consider marriage between a Catholic and a Sydney-Anglican to be particularly fraught. IMO they are not compatible theologies.

So you could ask yourself a few questions. Do I want to be in a marriage where…

• my wife does not respect my faith?
• my wife is constantly worried that I am going to hell?
• my wife’s church is constantly trying to convert/save me?
• my children are taught by my wife and her church that Catholicism is evil?
• we fight over which church to attend and where our children receive sacraments?
• etc…

Now, perhaps Sydney-Anglicanism has softened since my experiences; I think it might have a little. But not enough that these issues are not still relevant. You and your fiance need to have some very open, very honest, and very direct conversations about the issues raised in this thread.

When my husband first rediscovered his faith, I came onto this forum and I would fight tooth and nail with 1ke about how my marriage would be different, and we would make it work…because we loved each other and that was enough.

A couple years and two kids later I’m standing here telling you 1ke is right.

Inter denomination marriages can work, if one party is basically willing to let their faith take a back seat to the other, AND neither parties faith is openly hostile towards the other. If the Sydney Anglican theology is teaching that Catholics are not Christian as many evangelical and fundamentalists do you could be in for some major issues.

For us personally we are faced with the fact that I am strong in my Lutheran MS faith and he is a Strong Catholic. Those are two denominations that are both High Litergical Churches and both probably share 95% of their theology. People call Lutheran MS “Catholic Lite”. Yet that 5% is where our divide lies. Where do the kids go to church each Sunday? Where are the baptized? How do holidays work?..when we are with his family I have to miss Lutheran services, when with mine we go to my services, and he usually goes to vigil mass afterwards, messing up the evening schedule and making him tired the next day for whatever is going on then. Are you ready for her family to FREAK out when your kids crosses themselves, or says the Hail Mary? Seriously Luther prayed the Hail Mary and I have no issue with it, but it totally freaks my Hard Core Lutheran mom out.

Interdenominational marriages can work, but they are really hard.

 

[TIK]

Thank you so much to everyone who has responded here. There is lots for me to consider and discuss with my fiance. I’m quite apprehensive…

A further complication is that she currently lives in Hong Kong while I’m living in Sydney, Australia. Talking with a priest and minister about these issues is going to be hard.

Sometimes it seems like there’s only hopelessness on the horizon XD

EDIT: I will also note that Sydney Anglican theology is largely still it’s own little world (which is getting bigger via missionary expansion) and quite Fundamentalist. Although they’ve softened enough to (sometimes) admit that (sometimes) Catholics can be Christians too.
I need to start having the talk with her ASAP

 

[Alix1912]

1ke and others have adequately addressed your specific questions, but I’ll comment on one issue.

I am reasonably familiar with Sydney-Anglican theology. I had this brand of theology rammed down my throat at university (~15-20 years ago to be fair), and a couple of friends even ordained into their ministry. It is a particularly fundamentalist protestant theology and they have little respect for Catholicism. Many (most?) of them would not consider Catholics to be Christians. I have been told several times, in the most polite manner, that I am going to hell.

While Catholic-Protestant marriages always have certain issues, I would consider marriage between a Catholic and a Sydney-Anglican to be particularly fraught. IMO they are not compatible theologies.

So you could ask yourself a few questions. Do I want to be in a marriage where…

• my wife does not respect my faith?
• my wife is constantly worried that I am going to hell?
• my wife’s church is constantly trying to convert/save me?
• my children are taught by my wife and her church that Catholicism is evil?
• we fight over which church to attend and where our children receive sacraments?
• etc…

Now, perhaps Sydney-Anglicanism has softened since my experiences; I think it might have a little. But not enough that these issues are not still relevant. You and your fiance need to have some very open, very honest, and very direct conversations about the issues raised in this thread.

One more thing and this is a red flag from this post. You might need to evaluate if your fiancé is “Marrying to convert”. It’s a popular thing among certain fundamentalist churches. They subtly or outright encourage the young women and men to find someone they deem to “mot be Christian” to marry and then work on converting. This not only brings an “unsaved” person to God, but some faiths teach it elevates the convertor’s grace as well.

 

[Alix1912]

Thank you so much to everyone who has responded here. There is lots for me to consider and discuss with my fiance. I’m quite apprehensive…

A further complication is that she currently lives in Hong Kong while I’m living in Sydney, Australia. Talking with a priest and minister about these issues is going to be hard.

Sometimes it seems like there’s only hopelessness on the horizon XD

Dealing with these issues now will prevent further and worse hopelessness in the future. You should have a local parish priest in your area. TALK to him even without your fiancé.

Are you planning on living in the same place after you are married? It’s hard to swallow, but you might need to both be in the same city for a while so you can work these things out before you get married.

 

[GreyWings]

Thank you so much to everyone who has responded here. There is lots for me to consider and discuss with my fiance. I’m quite apprehensive…

A further complication is that she currently lives in Hong Kong while I’m living in Sydney, Australia. Talking with a priest and minister about these issues is going to be hard.

Sometimes it seems like there’s only hopelessness on the horizon XD

Alix brings up great points.

It might seem hopeless, but try to not look at it this way. This is why discernment is so important. You want what God wants for you.

What I will share is this: after the hell I went through being (invalidly) married to a Protestant-turned-atheist and whose family did not like the Catholic Church, was an eye-opener. After my ex left, the Catholic Church was there for me in ways I cannot convey. The Holy Catholic Church saved me, as cliche and dramatic as that may sound. As a result, I absolutely WILL NEVER date, or marry, a non-Catholic. Period.

Again, my story is different than others and others do not have the same tale of woe. But for you, I can’t advise enough to discern about this.

With my prayers.
GreyWings

 

[pianistclare]

**Are you the OP under a different name, because you seem to be addressing you posts that way? **
Priest’s who understand the challenges facing an Inter Denominational marriage SHOULD require the couple to ask and answer those questions.

Only asking about a couple relationship might be OK when dealing with two Catholics on the same page about their faith, but it simply isn’t for a mixed denomination couple.

Since you seem to think asking and figuring out the hard questions before marriage is not standard and apparently adversarial when do you propose a mixed denomination couple answer and deal with these questions and differences?

I’m telling you that BECAUSE my husband was a lapsed catholic and showed no interest in his catholic roots when we married, we did not ask these questions or deal with these issues before we got married. So now we are having to deal with them now resulting in a lot of conflict and difficultly.

I’m saying rather than fighting over which faith the kids are brought up in AS you are bringing them up…you need to have that worked out before hand.

You’ve GOT to be kidding.
Read my profile.

 

[pianistclare]

Also, sock puppet identities are not permitted on CAF.
Don’t accuse me of breaking the rules, thanks.

 

[dskysmine]

The standards for Radical Sanation are the same everywhere.

I’m saying if you are going to enter into a mixed marriage, you need to do more than once a month genial meetings with a priest. You MUST hammer out ALL the details of what your faith life as a couple and as a family with kids is going to look like. It’s easy when you are newly in love to think…“we love each other so much, we will be able to work this out…our love can conquer all”. However, no amount of love is going to instantly with hearts and rainbows solve where your kids are going to be baptized, or deal with future disagreements about NFP, or handling Sunday services and mass obligations, etc.

Once a month meetings with a priest is great when both parties are Catholic…not so much when both are not.

I’m am saying that his fiancé needs to understand she is not marrying a different denomination. It’s not like being Methodist and marrying a Baptist. You are marrying someone whose church dictates ALL aspects of their life, from meals during lent, to mandatory church attendance on high holidays, to how and when your kids are baptized/have fist communion/comfirmation, to your relationship with your OBGYN.

She has to ask:

Is she ready to have her kids raised Catholic? Is she OK dressing a daughter up like a tiny bride for 1st communion?
I she ready to take her basal body temp/check mucus/pee in a cup EVERY morning, so she can be sure she’s dong NFP correctly? What about after she’s done having kids, is she prepared to continue this regime for 20+ years until through menopause?
Is she ready to either attend mass with her husband then go to her service every weekend or split for church each week?
is she ready to figure out how to attend services with her family every holiday without her husband or have to figure out how to squeeze mass into holiday festivities as well?
Is she ready for the pressure both direct and indirect that her husband (even if he doesn’t mean to) and his priest (even if he doesn’t mean to) will put on her to convert?

These are REAL and important questions that any protestant marrying a Catholic MUST ask. They are serious, difficult and anyone who thinks they can answer them in six hour long genial meetings with a priest is fooling themselves.

Likewise a Catholic has to ask:
Am I Ok with my kids not being raised Catholic?
Am I Ok if my wife doesn’t use NFP?
Am I Ok missing mass on Sundays or Holidays if I my mass schedule is messing up a family celebration?
Can I truly marry someone who is protestant and NOT try and convert her at all not even a little bit?
Am I willing to sacrifice parts of my faith to make my marriage work?

Again SERIOUS questions…

Because of our situation my husband and I did not get to ask ourselves and each other these questions, and it is impacting our marriage in a BIG way.

Every Question has to be asked and answered before they get married. Do you honestly think they can do this in six hour long meetings…seriously???

Alix, if these questions are only addressed during meeting with the priest then the whole relationship seems to be doomed from the start.
I did only have 6 meetings, once per week, that lasted about 2h30 per meeting, and the priest did ask my wife if she was ok with NFP for example, but this was something that I had already spoken to her about, and even before we got married she tried it herself to learn how her cycle is.
The kids part is definitely a major conversation, but I also think that starting to discuss about it in front of the priest isn’t going to help anybody.
Both have to talk about expectations and plans on how a typical Sunday/Saturday would be. I did all these discussions way before I even got engaged, because I wasn’t going to propose to someone who would expect me to put my Faith in the back seat.
Most of the time you can’t really decide these things in the meeting with the priest, he might ask something but it’s up to the couple to take the time and clear these things before finishing the Marriage preparation.

God Bless,
D.

 

[Anglewannabe]

Alix, if these questions are only addressed during meeting with the priest then the whole relationship seems to be doomed from the start.
I did only have 6 meetings, once per week, that lasted about 2h30 per meeting, and the priest did ask my wife if she was ok with NFP for example, but this was something that I had already spoken to her about, and even before we got married she tried it herself to learn how her cycle is.
The kids part is definitely a major conversation, but I also think that starting to discuss about it in front of the priest isn’t going to help anybody.
Both have to talk about expectations and plans on how a typical Sunday/Saturday would be. **I did all these discussions way before I even got engaged, **because I wasn’t going to propose to someone who would expect me to put my Faith in the back seat.
Most of the time you can’t really decide these things in the meeting with the priest, he might ask something but it’s up to the couple to take the time and clear these things before finishing the Marriage preparation.

God Bless,
D.

The bolded part is EXACTLY what I was thinking. I don’t believe the issue is ‘who is right and who is wrong’, I believe the issue is the OP proposed way too early. These things need to be sorted out BEFORE the proposal

 

[Alix1912]

The bolded part is EXACTLY what I was thinking. I don’t believe the issue is ‘who is right and who is wrong’, I believe the issue is the OP proposed way too early. These things need to be sorted out BEFORE the proposal

I would totally agree with this. What I was trying to emphasize is that you have to iron out how your individual family would work with regards to faith and the practice of it. If those crucial questions are not asked and answered either with a good marriage counselor, between the couple themselves, or with the guidance of clergy you are setting your marriage up for failure and a lot of heartache.

 

[dskysmine]

I would totally agree with this. What I was trying to emphasize is that you have to iron out how your individual family would work with regards to faith and the practice of it. If those crucial questions are not asked and answered either with a good marriage counselor, between the couple themselves, or with the guidance of clergy you are setting your marriage up for failure and a lot of heartache.

Agreed, but that doesn’t mean he has to meet with the priest every time he needs to discuss about it.
The sense I got from the discussion (my feeling) is that it’s an insurmountable amount of meetings with priests and bureaucracy…
That doesn’t help someone that is looking for help.
just my 2 cents.

God bless,
D.

 

[Alix1912]

Agreed, but that doesn’t mean he has to meet with the priest every time he needs to discuss about it.
The sense I got from the discussion (my feeling) is that it’s an insurmountable amount of meetings with priests and bureaucracy…
That doesn’t help someone that is looking for help.
just my 2 cents.

God bless,
D.

I agree. More the point is that the discussions must take place between the OP and his fiancé.

 

[bjess8411]

What Viki said.

Now, I understand you’re in love, but have you really discerned? I just want you to be sure, because yes, while Interfaith marriages can work, I personally would never do it because I’ve been there, done that, and ended up divorced with an annulment. (He was raised Protestant but was atheist. His family frowned upon the Catholic church - red flag and I should have bolted when I heard the anti-Catholic comments.)

Ask yourself what Viki mentions. How important is it to you to raise your future children Catholic? Is your fiancee willing to accept the Catholic Sacraments, such as Baptism and First Communion? This is important stuff so really discern and talk to her…

All the best and congrats

GreyWings

I don’t think a Catholic and a Protestant are interfaith. Of course, there are some differences, but there are way more similarities. You both believe the Bible, in Christ, and other core doctrines and that is most important. I am speaking of people who are truly practicing Christians not just Christian in name.

 

[bjess8411]

I am married to a Protestant. He is a wonderful, God fearing man. I wouldn’t want anyone else for my husband or the father of my children. That being said, it isn’t easy when it comes to raising the children Catholic. My experience was that the non-Catholic party does not have to agree to raise any children Catholic. The Catholic has to agree to the best of his/her ability to raise the children Catholic, and the other party needs to be aware of this obligation.

But a practicing protestant has every desire to see their children raised Christian.

 

[Tantum_ergo]

But a practicing protestant has every desire to see their children raised Christian.

Catholics ARE Christian.

 

[bjess8411]

I am the protestant spouse in a mixed marriage. When we married my husband was a very lapsed Catholic who showed no sign of returning to his faith. We married without the dispensations (though both my pastor and I asked several times about them and my husband declined). Then about 8 months after getting married my husband rediscovered his faith and decided to become a devout Catholic again. Basically, from personal experience I would tell your fiancé to seriously think about what she is signing up for. The pressure (particularly from my husband’s current priest) on me to convert, to raise my kids 100% catholic, etc is intense. We fight about religion and how is effecting our family A LOT.

We had to go through serious amounts of hoops to get the proper paperwork from the Church to have our marriage recognized, I’m serious it’s borderline ridiculous. If you want to avoid this consult your priest a head of time.

Also you need to go through a TON of premarital counseling, not 6 weeks, not 3 months, like 6 months of it weekly, at minimum. You need to do it with both her pastor and your priest. Talk about how you are going to handle your weekly obligation for mass, how you are going to raise the kids, (and yes you need to pick which denomination you are raising them in NOW, not when they arrive), how are you going to handle Birth Control. These are a small fraction of the myriad of problems that being catholic married to a protestant is going to create and you need to work out each one.

All of this and more must be 100% and completely sorted out BEFORE you walk down the aisle. If you cannot do this or won’t, then you should not get married.

I can tell you that going on 10 years being a mixed marriage between Catholic and Lutheran MS, the single biggest thing we fight about is religion and how we are going to raise the kids with regards to religion. It completely SUCKS. I love my husband and I would never not marry him if I could do it over again, but I wish we had been able to deal with these issues prior to marriage.

If one of my kids came to me and asked if they should marry someone a different denomination than they were I would resoundingly say NO.

I have a question, given that your husband is Catholic would anything really dangerous happen if you just decided to raise your children Catholic? I am a protestant Baptist, but I don’t consider Catholicism so far out there that I would put my marriage at stake to uphold my Protestantism. They are both Christian.

 

[bjess8411]

.

Inter denomination marriages can work, if one party is basically willing to let their faith take a back seat to the other, AND neither parties faith is openly hostile towards the other. If the Sydney Anglican theology is teaching that Catholics are not Christian as many evangelical and fundamentalists do you could be in for some major issues.

Interdenominational marriages can work, but they are really hard.

I agree with this. Either the husband or the wife will have to compromise, but I wouldn’t consider it denial of the Christian faith, just tweaking it a bit.

 

[MJJean]

I have a question, given that your husband is Catholic would anything really dangerous happen if you just decided to raise your children Catholic? I am a protestant Baptist, but I don’t consider Catholicism so far out there that I would put my marriage at stake to uphold my Protestantism. They are both Christian.

How much do you know about Catholicism?

Would you be ok seeing your babies asking a Saint to intercede on their behalf?

Would you be ok seeing your child go into the confessional?

If your child spoke against homosexual acts and said that homosexuals and those who are divorced and remarried without annulment cannot be validly married and are living in a perpetual state of Mortal Sin, would you think s/he was being bigoted or cruel?

If your child relied on Catholic Tradition rather than Scripture alone, would you be ok with it?

What about praying the Rosary and other Marian devotions? Wearing Scapulars? Having crucifixes around the house? Holy Day fasting and Mass attendance? Holy Communion prep and other religious ed class attendance?

Catholicism is a way of life and belief that is rather demanding and unique.