Engaged to Protestant and having doubts

  • Thread starter Thread starter animachristi1
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
animachristi1 said:
Thank you, each and every one of you, for taking the time to answer me. I am severely troubled by this and am praying for guidance. Reading your posts has helped me greatly, and I will try to persevere in doing God’s will in my life. I will let you know when I make a decision in case any of you are curious. Thank you again - and please - if you think of anything else that may help me, please let me know!

Love in Christ.
Click to expand...
I would also like to add that many of our Saints are saints because they toughed it out with difficult spouses. (Mostly women, I think.) They used that as evidence of living a good, holsum, forgiving Christian life when their cause for beatification, etc., came up. Just sayin… 🙂
 
Let me give you another perspective. I was a protestant and my boyfriend was raised Catholic (from age 13 on). He made it clear to me, in very gentle kind words and via his actions, that he intended to always remain catholic and raise our children as Catholic.

We got engaged and he continued to go to Mass every Sunday. On special occassions at my church, he would attend Mass Saturday evenings and come with me on Sunday. He never judged by faith or church. He continues, however, to hold true to his faith.

When we married, we married in my church with my minister and his priest both conducting the service. We went, before then, to pre-marital counseling with his priest and my minister.

HERE IS THE TURNING POINT: His priest suggested that I go through RCIA at their Parish solely to understand the Catholic church that my soon to be husband and future children would be a part of. I did…and everything changed. By the end of RCIA, I decided to join the Church. Never once did the priest or RCIA volunteer leaders push me. They understood why I was there (plan was for me to ‘sit in’ on the class until Easter) and were loving, not judgmental. My husband was very supportive, but never once pushed me overtly in this direction.

We have now been married over 15 years. All of our children attend Catholic School and we are VERY involved in our Parish. When my non-Cathoic parents have an event at their church they would like us to attend, we go (and go to Mass Saturday night). They come to our Parish when asked also. Everyone understands that we are a Catholic family and our children understand why they do not take communion at their grandparents’ church and vice versa.

I have NO regrets. The fact that my husband was:
  1. Clear in his faithfulness to the Catholic Church
    and
  2. Respectful of me and my faith
    Brought me to the Catholic Church.
It can happen. Pray. Ask your priest for advice. Be patient. God will show you the way one way or another. In our circumstance, it worked…and continues to.

anngrace
 
Ann Grace - Thank you so much for responding and for your encouraging story. I guess one thing that really bothers me is that even though he claims he “respects” the Catholic Church, he will say derogatory comments pertaining to Catholics not using reason and blindly following what the Church says, right or wrong. Now of course, I have a different understanding of the authority of the Church than he does, but I feel as though he does not respect my views because he thinks I just think the way the Church wants me to… this infuriates me. Of course my ultimate goal is to understand and accept Church teaching, but I don’t just blindly follow along, I use reason and the light of Church teaching to help me come to the truth, and since I do understand that the Church is guided by the Holy Spirit, I feel comfortable in accepting Church teachings that I don’t quite “get” completely yet. He sees this as a weakness, as he likens himself to be an intellectual. He comes across like a man who seems to already know and understand a lot about the Church; yet, outwardly rejects the Church even though he has been reading quite a bit about the Church, and we have had numerous discussions. He still proclaims, at least when speaking to me, a certain amount of “respect” towards the Church. I’m wondering how sincere this “respect” really is.

I almost forgot to mention that I never push him to become Catholic, and that as a previous Baptist, I have respect for certain aspects of protestantism. My years there helped develop my love for Jesus and for the Word of God. I attend his “services” when I am able, but just as the Mass leaves him with a void, his “service” leaves me grateful that I am a Catholic!

I’m just reeling about all of this. Our engagement has been announced to friends and family… we have been together so long already… yet I have these serious doubts.

Thanks for taking the time to write me!
 
animachristi1 said:
Ann Grace - Thank you so much for responding and for your encouraging story. I guess one thing that really bothers me is that even though he claims he “respects” the Catholic Church, he will say derogatory comments pertaining to Catholics not using reason and blindly following what the Church says, right or wrong. Now of course, I have a different understanding of the authority of the Church than he does, but I feel as though he does not respect my views because he thinks I just think the way the Church wants me to… this infuriates me. Of course my ultimate goal is to understand and accept Church teaching, but I don’t just blindly follow along, I use reason and the light of Church teaching to help me come to the truth, and since I do understand that the Church is guided by the Holy Spirit, I feel comfortable in accepting Church teachings that I don’t quite “get” completely yet. He sees this as a weakness, as he likens himself to be an intellectual. He comes across like a man who seems to already know and understand a lot about the Church; yet, outwardly rejects the Church even though he has been reading quite a bit about the Church, and we have had numerous discussions. He still proclaims, at least when speaking to me, a certain amount of “respect” towards the Church. I’m wondering how sincere this “respect” really is.

I almost forgot to mention that I never push him to become Catholic, and that as a previous Baptist, I have respect for certain aspects of protestantism. My years there helped develop my love for Jesus and for the Word of God. I attend his “services” when I am able, but just as the Mass leaves him with a void, his “service” leaves me grateful that I am a Catholic!

I’m just reeling about all of this. Our engagement has been announced to friends and family… we have been together so long already… yet I have these serious doubts.

Thanks for taking the time to write me!
Click to expand...
I see red flags. All over the place.
 
I was in this same situation 5.5 years ago. The pain of separation, of not being entirely one flesh, never goes away. In some cases it gets easier to bear as time goes on, other cases it worsens and even leads to the permanent separation of the couple.

We are right now struggling. Not because of our faiths being different. We just do our separate things. But, rather, because we can’t agree on our future children’s upbriginning. Let me tell you, it ain’t easy and it ain’t fun. I wish I had the courage to say no then. And it’s not at all because I don’t love my husband, I love him more than anyone on earth. But my love for him went above my love for God. God is making right what I made wrong and things are turning out much, much, much better than they could of. We really live life peacefully and are best friends, until we start discussing the faith of our children or in depth talks about our own faiths. If you have the courage, if you have it in you, leave now. If you don’t, make CERTAIN the children will be raised catholic and that your future spouse is willing to do so.
 
In order for this marriage to be valid he will need to agree to allow you to have your children raised in the Sacraments - how can he do this if he does not understand the faith. It does not necessarily mean conversion without belief but he should at least understand and agree - IMHO postpone and ask him to go through RCIA - just because takes the class doesnot mean he has to take the Sacraments.
 
My experience may not be worth much but I will share anyway.

I ended a 4 year long relationship not long ago. She is agnostic, raised in a non-practicing Christian family. We had planned on getting married from the end of year one until just before we broke it off. I struggled so much during our relationship. She would occasionally go to mass, respected my views, would listen to me talk about Jesus and the Church etc, but, she was nothing but apathetic toward faith or religion of any kind. Although ending the relationship was incredibly painful, it was the best decision I have ever made, literally. I have been talking to a very faithful and holy Catholic woman for the past several weeks and it has been SO BLESSED! I never knew what I was missing! Sharing your faith with someone, having spiritual intimacy, is literally one of the most wonderful things I have ever experienced! EVER!! I will never go back. I have determined that I would rather live and die alone than ever settle for someone with little, no, or an opposing faith- that is how wonderful it is to share the Catholic faith with someone else! I will never turn back!

Having said that, I know several people who have married protestants and had wonderful and holy marriages. Several members of my family married protestants who eventually converted to Catholicism also.

I hope my experience was of some use to you. All I can say is that there is so much to gain from a shared faith, it is so amazing! Praise God for all he has given me! 🙂
 
shannyk said:
I see red flags. All over the place.
Click to expand...
Yeah, red flag city. Population: you.

Thank you for giving us more information about your fiance. There are some serious impediments to this marriage and I would recommend again that you talk to your priest about this.

Please do not walk into a marriage with such serious doubts. Breaking up will be hard and it may even be embarassing to call off the engagement after you’ve annouced it to friends and family but none of it will sting worse than the regret of marrying the wrong person.
 
I’m very happily married to a Lutheran, but it took a LOT of communication early on.
  1. He does not have the disdain for the Catholic Church that a lot of Protestants have.
  2. He does not believe in birth control.
  3. He has no problem raising our kids Catholic.
  4. He attends Mass every. single. Sunday.
  5. He asks questions about Catholicism, and he definitely doesn’t understand aspects of it, but he is NEVER disrespectful.
Your situation seems the complete opposite. I could never have married my husband if those above 5 things were not as they are, and I love him more than anyone else in the world {except God obviously}.

For the record, the Catholic Church {at least in the dioceses where we got married & the one where we did our pre-cana} made him sign a paper that he would raise our kids Catholic. If he hadn’t done that then the Catholic Church would not have married us. Thankfully, like I said this was a non-issue for him.

My husband is very devout, so that isn’t necessarily an issue for us.

I just think that if you have questions regarding being with him now it will only get worse. You need to have these conversations immediately before you go any further with this engagement.
 
animachristi1 said:
I guess one thing that really bothers me is that even though he claims he “respects” the Catholic Church, he will say derogatory comments pertaining to Catholics not using reason and blindly following what the Church says, right or wrong. Now of course, I have a different understanding of the authority of the Church than he does, but I feel as though he does not respect my views because he thinks I just think the way the Church wants me to… this infuriates me. Of course my ultimate goal is to understand and accept Church teaching, but I don’t just blindly follow along, I use reason and the light of Church teaching to help me come to the truth, and since I do understand that the Church is guided by the Holy Spirit, I feel comfortable in accepting Church teachings that I don’t quite “get” completely yet. He sees this as a weakness, as he likens himself to be an intellectual.
Click to expand...
Perhaps this reminder will help you.

Jesus Himself refers to us as sheep - and Himself as the Good Shepherd.
Years ago, it was my delight and privilege to work with an elderly nun; in fact, I was her boss.

The Sister, Sister Patricia Ann had grown up as a farm girl. I’d grown up in Chicago, totally NOT a farm girl. Sister shared much about her childhhod - especially her experience with sheep and shepherds. She enlightened me and many others to the fact that sheep are almost relentlessy dumb - and dumb or not, they move as a group. They will go anywhere without clear leadership. They will move into situations that will kill them - dying of thirst, hunger, predators. Going all the way back to Biblical times, all shepherds have known this. Back then, when sheep were “penned,” they were moved into a rock enclosure that had an opening that served as the pass-through. The flock was kept safe at night because the shepherd would lie down in the four-or-five foot opening and sleep there. If a sheep ‘felt the need’ to leave the sheephold, it needed to walk over the shepherd. The shepherd was awake in a instant, blocking the sheep with his own body and preventing escapes into danger. That was a part of the shepherd’s job!

Amazing description? Feel like you’ve learned a LOT? I surely did and remember it still. Sister Patricia Ann told me these stories in the early 1980s. Since then, I’ve had a very clear understanding what it means that “we are SHEEP!” We needn’t understand each and every thing the Church teaches - but we do need to accept it, knowing that we are in the care of the Good Shepherd.

We can not and need not think out and understand every single thing in our lives.
We couldn’t do so if we tried!

If your fiance feels he’s got all the answers and he’s way smarter than most, he is in error. If he is truly Christian, then he’s another Christian, another sheep, just like you are and just like I am. It sounds like this fellow has some issues as a Christian of any stripe! That he mocks Catholics about the life of danger - big danger! He needs to grow up - and you can do much better for yourself than marrying him and his disregard.
 
Thank you everyone who cared enough to respond! I’m typing this with very blurry eyes because I wear contacts and I have been crying so very hard! I broke off the engagement tonight. I gave him back the ring (which was his grandmother’s wedding ring and very precious to him). A part of me feels dead right now. I’m frightened of the thought of living my life without him… please pray for me that God will help me through this.
 
animachristi1 said:
Thank you everyone who cared enough to respond! I’m typing this with very blurry eyes because I wear contacts and I have been crying so very hard! I broke off the engagement tonight. I gave him back the ring (which was his grandmother’s wedding ring and very precious to him). A part of me feels dead right now. I’m frightened of the thought of living my life without him… please pray for me that God will help me through this.
Click to expand...
Oh dear one…I am so sorry you are hurting now. 😦 I’m sure you feel like you’ve lost a limb. Please take this opportunity to spend time with friends and family who will support you and be with you. Also, take time to spend time in front of the Blessed Sacrament.

Time will heal all wounds, this will get easier every day. Please please please know that the pain you are feeling now will only be temporary. Someday you will meet a good, Catholic man who will share you faith. I just know it.

I will be praying for you.
 
I cannot tell you what to do, you have to decide for yourself because you have to live with that decision everyday. The good news is that you can pray about it, pray to God, Christ, the Holy Spirit, all the angels and saints for guidence. Also talk to a priest about it.

FYI, I married my high school sweetheart and 10 years later we have many problems including our faith. We have a 4 year old child together. Please think and pray long and hard about this. No one ever tells you about the child crying for the other parent when a separation happens. It is the most painful thing I have ever been through because I can’t take my son’s sadness away. I went back to my husband immediately and spent time with Christain counceling we were doing good. But a year later, things are bad again. If my husband and I shared faith, Christ and the church would have been the foundation of our marriage. It’s very hard to rebuild a foundation. So from my experience I don’t recommend it, and I to am a passionate catholic revert.

You are in my prayers.
 
I am so sorry - just know that when you make these decisions based upon God’s will then you have done the right thing. Some times it is our cross to bear in this life and our rewards are in the next and sometimes better things come our way because we have left an opening for God to do His work. :hug3:
 
animachristi1 said:
Thank you everyone who cared enough to respond! I’m typing this with very blurry eyes because I wear contacts and I have been crying so very hard! I broke off the engagement tonight. I gave him back the ring (which was his grandmother’s wedding ring and very precious to him). A part of me feels dead right now. I’m frightened of the thought of living my life without him… please pray for me that God will help me through this.
Click to expand...
Oh honey. That is so hard. ((hugs)) to you. I will pray that God will heal your heart, and your boyfriends too. I do believe though that down the road, you will look back on this decision as a good and necessary one.
 
StratusRose, Joandarc2008, yellowbird - Your words have been a comfort and an inspiration to me… thank you so much!

gracelovefaith - Thank you for sharing your story with me… it helps me to feel more confident in my decision to break off the engagement.

On a side note - I’ve begun the process in telling my family and friends - my brother’s reaction was awful…“What are you doing? YOU ARE NOT GETTING ANY YOUNGER! You need to quit being so picky!” (I’m 38 years old). Ouch.
 
animachristi1 said:
StratusRose, Joandarc2008, yellowbird - Your words have been a comfort and an inspiration to me… thank you so much!

gracelovefaith - Thank you for sharing your story with me… it helps me to feel more confident in my decision to break off the engagement.

On a side note - I’ve begun the process in telling my family and friends - my brother’s reaction was awful…“What are you doing? YOU ARE NOT GETTING ANY YOUNGER! You need to quit being so picky!” (I’m 38 years old). Ouch.
Click to expand...
How dreadful of your brother.
I have six brothers. Men tend to speak before they think.

Really, I think you’ve made a very wise decision.
If you have serious doubts already about conflicting spirituality, marriage would be YUCK.
Good for you for following your best insticts and virtues:
Prudence, Justice, Fortitude, Temperance and other virtues have protected you.

Blessed be God. Better to serve God with clarity than to be burdened by a doubter.
Maybe it will be a grace for him too, in the long run, to see that he didn’t measure up.
His faith was not as meaningful to him as yours is to you. Very good to know that now.
 
’ I have tried to explain to him the beauty of the Mass, but he does not understand at all."

Do you worship God or mass? You two worship the same God. God is Love, not necessarily catholic. The way you worship is your prerogative, and it is his as well. To let man-made religion come in the way of a loving couple with the same faith in God (which is the important part) is ludacris. Keep your strong relationship with Christ and let him keep his, whatever religion helps him in that relationship you should encourage not hinder. When the bible refers to the Church of God he means the followers of Christ, not just Catholics.
 
LMC20608 said:
’ I have tried to explain to him the beauty of the Mass, but he does not understand at all."

Do you worship God or mass? You two worship the same God. God is Love, not necessarily catholic. The way you worship is your prerogative, and it is his as well. To let man-made religion come in the way of a loving couple with the same faith in God (which is the important part) is ludacris. Keep your strong relationship with Christ and let him keep his, whatever religion helps him in that relationship you should encourage not hinder. When the bible refers to the Church of God he means the followers of Christ, not just Catholics.
Click to expand...
How about you read the entire thread before you comment?

Read Post 23 and Post 30 at the very least.
Grabbing ahold of some actual details might orient you a little better.
No one “imagined” this fellow’s bias.
 
Thank you Catharina. I realize my first post was a little vague… I’m not used to posting on things like this, but it has really been a blessing for me. You all are helping me through a very tough time. My family (with the exception of my mother who converted to Catholicism one year after me) are all protestant and many are anti-Catholic. Only my mother understands my dilemma. My brother who made the mean comment is 33 and recently married himself… he doesn’t attend any church.

LMC20608 - Thank you for your post… my ex-fiancé could have written it himself, except without the sarcasm… just another affirmation that I absolutely made the right choice! I’m sorry you don’t understand, but I pray for us all to be ONE.

John 17:23 - “I in them and you in me. May they be brought to complete unity to let the world know that you sent me and have loved them even as you have loved me.”
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top