Engaged to Protestant and having doubts

  • Thread starter Thread starter animachristi1
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
As far as your brother goes:

a) You are old enough to know exactly what you want and you are not settling

b) You would rather be alone with God than in a marriage that seperates you from Him

c) What would your brother suggest you do if the perfect man came along after you married someone you were unhappy with?

d) Just think whatever God wants you to have He will provide
 
My GF (Protestant) and I went through this stuff. Basically as far as the relationship goes you have to ask yourself: Can I accept her if she never becomes Catholic, and can she accept you as a Catholic.

If eithier of you go into it expecting the other to change its a spell for disaster. That and ya got to talk about children and that you expect to raise them Catholic (at least untill thier teens when thier old enough to make an educated decision on thier own)

The other person may not want to talk about religion, but you have to at least get this part straight, that they accept you as you are, not what they want you to be.

This all being said mixed religion marriages can work out and be very wonderful, just go in it knowing what to expect and it can be a lil more complicated. Just keep in mind God comes first, even before your love life.
 
So what if you are 38?! A good friend of mine met her husband around your age, they dated for a year or two and then she had her daughter when she was 41! You have time. 🙂
 
animachristi1 said:
Thank you everyone who cared enough to respond! I’m typing this with very blurry eyes because I wear contacts and I have been crying so very hard! I broke off the engagement tonight. I gave him back the ring (which was his grandmother’s wedding ring and very precious to him). A part of me feels dead right now. I’m frightened of the thought of living my life without him… please pray for me that God will help me through this.
Click to expand...
I will be saying lots of prayers for you. I would give you a big hug if I could. I know this was a heart-wrenching decision and I am so sorry you are hurting. But please take comfort knowing that whenever you place God first, you are making the right decision.

Your former fiance will have to respect you for being true to your faith. Your willingness to put God first is an example to all of us. Down the road maybe this will be the seed that truly leads him to examining Catholicism with an open heart. That is up to him and the Holy Spirit. Keep praying for him, knowing that is the best gift you can give him.

While I was never engaged, I once dated a Seventh Day Adventist. We stopped dating due to our differences in faith. (I was honest from day 1 about being unwilling to compromise on being married in the Catholic Church and raising the kids Catholic. Those were obviously deal breakers for him, which I knew). It was the best decision for both of us but it felt like my heart was being ripped out at the time. Since then I have made some dating mistakes and I finally wised up and decided to only date practicing Catholics. I am still looking for the right guy. But when I am at Mass, I know in my heart I don`t want to be there by myself each week once I am married. I want my husband to be there, and I want him to be the spiritual head of the household. I want our family to pray the rosary together. And I want a sacramental marriage. With my husband standing next to me when our kids are baptized (in the Catholic Church) etc. These are things I cannot compromise on. If I never find it, I will stay happily single.

I applaud you for having put God first. As much as it hurts now, it would have hurt so much more if you got married feeling the way you do. Please do not let anyone make you question your judgement. You made the right decision for yourself.

I will be praying for you. Hold your head up high and please do not let anyone make you feel bad about your decision. Non-Catholics are not likely to understand your decision so don`t let them lead you to second-guess yourself.

Finally, I think the best medicine for a broken heart is praying the rosary and a big dose of Adoration. Daily Mass helps too.

Sincerely,

Maria1212
 
Maria1212 said:
I will be saying lots of prayers for you. I would give you a big hug if I could. I know this was a heart-wrenching decision and I am so sorry you are hurting. But please take comfort knowing that whenever you place God first, you are making the right decision.

Your former fiance will have to respect you for being true to your faith. Your willingness to put God first is an example to all of us. Completely agree. Down the road maybe this will be the seed that truly leads him to examining Catholicism with an open heart. That is up to him and the Holy Spirit. Keep praying for him, knowing that is the best gift you can give him.

While I was never engaged, I once dated a Seventh Day Adventist. We stopped dating due to our differences in faith. (I was honest from day 1 about being unwilling to compromise on being married in the Catholic Church and raising the kids Catholic. Those were obviously deal breakers for him, which I knew). It was the best decision for both of us but it felt like my heart was being ripped out at the time. Since then I have made some dating mistakes and I finally wised up and decided to only date practicing Catholics. I am still looking for the right guy. But when I am at Mass, I know in my heart I don`t want to be there by myself each week once I am married. I want my husband to be there, and I want him to be the spiritual head of the household. I want our family to pray the rosary together. And I want a sacramental marriage. With my husband standing next to me when our kids are baptized (in the Catholic Church) etc. These are things I cannot compromise on. If I never find it, I will stay happily single.

I applaud you for having put God first. As much as it hurts now, it would have hurt so much more if you got married feeling the way you do. Please do not let anyone make you question your judgement. You made the right decision for yourself.

I will be praying for you. Hold your head up high and please do not let anyone make you feel bad about your decision. Non-Catholics are not likely to understand your decision so don`t let them lead you to second-guess yourself.

Finally, I think the best medicine for a broken heart is praying the rosary and a big dose of Adoration. Daily Mass helps too.

Sincerely,

Maria1212
Click to expand...
**Anima Christi, you are quite the girl! God bless you.

Bless you too, Maria. **
 
Oh my heart, my soul! I don’t have the words to express what I am going through right now… such kind words towards me… I am so undeserving of these words! Through all of this I had a major breakthrough… something that I have been sweeping under the rug, thinking that I could address it later. The pain of ending my relationship took precedence over the pain of facing the way I have been living my life…

My ex-fiancé was married before (20 years, two kids, she left him for another man) - obviously no annulment since they did not subscribe to any particular religion, let alone Catholicism. It gets worse… I was also married before for 11 years, AND I have three children from that marriage. I have not started the annulment process, which I will because I am reasonably certain that it was not sacramental, but I will leave that for the Church to decide. When I posted my original post, I was in so much pain from the possible ending of my relationship! Why did I not think that our prior marriages weren’t worth mentioning?… I DON’T KNOW EXCEPT FOR THE FACT THAT I DIDN’T WANT TO FACE WHAT I HAVE BEEN DOING FOR THE LAST 5 YEARS. I am so sorry for misleading you all and not telling you the whole story! I hope you will forgive me.

Please know that I understand now how wrong I have been. I went to confession Saturday to tell God how sorry I was. After confession, I sat in the sanctuary begging God to help me change my life. I finally completely understand that I am in no position to be dating anyone, let alone getting engaged. Unfortunately, ignoring God’s teaching through his beautiful Church has put me (and my children and my ex-fiancé) in this extreme agony we are all experiencing now.

God Bless you all for being here for me when I felt so alone. Now I am not only crying because I am suffering a great loss, but I am crying because God reached out to me through all of you, and I know He loves me.

THANK YOU SO MUCH for letting God use you to help me. I am praying for God to bless each and every one of you in a very special way. Thank you.
 
animachristi1 said:
Oh my heart, my soul! I don’t have the words to express what I am going through right now… such kind words towards me… I am so undeserving of these words! Through all of this I had a major breakthrough… something that I have been sweeping under the rug, thinking that I could address it later. The pain of ending my relationship took precedence over the pain of facing the way I have been living my life…

My ex-fiancé was married before (20 years, two kids, she left him for another man) - obviously no annulment since they did not subscribe to any particular religion, let alone Catholicism. It gets worse… I was also married before for 11 years, AND I have three children from that marriage. I have not started the annulment process, which I will because I am reasonably certain that it was not sacramental, but I will leave that for the Church to decide. When I posted my original post, I was in so much pain from the possible ending of my relationship! Why did I not think that our prior marriages weren’t worth mentioning?… I DON’T KNOW EXCEPT FOR THE FACT THAT I DIDN’T WANT TO FACE WHAT I HAVE BEEN DOING FOR THE LAST 5 YEARS. I am so sorry for misleading you all and not telling you the whole story! I hope you will forgive me.

Truly, my dear, I do not feel misled. On the contrary.
You said what you could. Now you’ve said more. Thank you.

Please know that I understand now how wrong I have been. I went to confession Saturday to tell God how sorry I was. After confession, I sat in the sanctuary begging God to help me change my life. I finally completely understand that I am in no position to be dating anyone, let alone getting engaged. Unfortunately, ignoring God’s teaching through his beautiful Church has put me (and my children and my ex-fiancé) in this extreme agony we are all experiencing now.

The power of grace led you to the Sacrament!

God Bless you all for being here for me when I felt so alone. Now I am not only crying because I am suffering a great loss, but I am crying because God reached out to me through all of you, and I know He loves me.

THANK YOU SO MUCH for letting God use you to help me. I am praying for God to bless each and every one of you in a very special way. Thank you.
Click to expand...
**Thank you so much for your thanks and for praying for all of us.
Every blessing on you and your children.

Blessed be God!**
 
animachristi1 said:
Oh my heart, my soul! I don’t have the words to express what I am going through right now… such kind words towards me… I am so undeserving of these words! Through all of this I had a major breakthrough… something that I have been sweeping under the rug, thinking that I could address it later. The pain of ending my relationship took precedence over the pain of facing the way I have been living my life…

My ex-fiancé was married before (20 years, two kids, she left him for another man) - obviously no annulment since they did not subscribe to any particular religion, let alone Catholicism. It gets worse… I was also married before for 11 years, AND I have three children from that marriage. I have not started the annulment process, which I will because I am reasonably certain that it was not sacramental, but I will leave that for the Church to decide. When I posted my original post, I was in so much pain from the possible ending of my relationship! Why did I not think that our prior marriages weren’t worth mentioning?… I DON’T KNOW EXCEPT FOR THE FACT THAT I DIDN’T WANT TO FACE WHAT I HAVE BEEN DOING FOR THE LAST 5 YEARS. I am so sorry for misleading you all and not telling you the whole story! I hope you will forgive me.

Please know that I understand now how wrong I have been. I went to confession Saturday to tell God how sorry I was. After confession, I sat in the sanctuary begging God to help me change my life. I finally completely understand that I am in no position to be dating anyone, let alone getting engaged. Unfortunately, ignoring God’s teaching through his beautiful Church has put me (and my children and my ex-fiancé) in this extreme agony we are all experiencing now.

God Bless you all for being here for me when I felt so alone. Now I am not only crying because I am suffering a great loss, but I am crying because God reached out to me through all of you, and I know He loves me.

THANK YOU SO MUCH for letting God use you to help me. I am praying for God to bless each and every one of you in a very special way. Thank you.
Click to expand...
This post doesn`t make you any less deserving of the kind words everyone wrote before. If anything, it makes you more deserving since you had the courage to share something so personal. Kudos to you for recognizing what really needs fixing in your life. You have been to confession, and God has forgiven you, that is what matters.

I think deep down you knew you could, and would, not be happy knowing you didn`t have a sacramental marriage if you had married your ex-fiance. You want more for yourself. It is never too late to put God first and that is what you have started doing, so take heart knowing you are moving in the right direction.

Each day here on earth gives us all of the opportunity to start anew. That is one of the beautiful gifts of confession in my book. We have all sinned. Every one of us posting here. The important part is to choose to reject that sin, turn one`s back on it, get to confession and start anew.

In fact, you have encouraged me because I have been putting off going to confession! So thank you for that.

You are smart to use this as an opportunity to get your spiritual affairs in order. Definitely seek an annulment so that you will know if you are free to date when the right one comes along. Keep putting God first and you`ll come out more than okay in the long run.

We will all keep praying for you.

Sincerely,

Maria1212
 
animachristi1 said:
even though he claims he “respects” the Catholic Church, he will say **derogatory comments **pertaining to Catholics not using reason and blindly following what the Church says, right or wrong. Now of course, I have a different understanding of the authority of the Church than he does, but I feel as though he does not respect my views because he thinks I just think the way the Church wants me to… this infuriates me. Of course my ultimate goal is to understand and accept Church teaching, but I don’t just blindly follow along, I use reason and the light of Church teaching to help me come to the truth, and since I do understand that the Church is guided by the Holy Spirit, I feel comfortable in accepting Church teachings that I don’t quite “get” completely yet. He sees this as a weakness, as he likens himself to be an intellectual. He comes across like a man who seems to already know and understand a lot about the Church; yet, outwardly rejects the Church even though he has been reading quite a bit about the Church, and we have had numerous discussions.
Click to expand...
Hi Animachristi,

I understand your frustration. I was in a similar situation, not in an engagement, but rather with friends who were atheists or agnostics. When in the 90s I started to inquire more and more into the Church’s teachings and claims, this couple turned more and more hostile towards me. The husband was actually my best friend since we were teenagers, but now, here they were questioning my sanity, making derogatory comments, from their intellectual pose. It was surreal. They were the intellectuals, and I was this psychologically disbalanced guy turned religious kook, in their opinion. I put up with a lot of it, but after we went on a joint trip with some religious (mostly Catholic, but also Protestant) friends of mine, as well as my old friend and his wife who turned kind of anti-religious, this couple behaved in such a hostile manner towards the religious folk that I have made up my mind, never to mix them again with my religious friends. Long story short, finally I lost a friend of almost 20 years, because their (his and his wife’s) criticisms of me just kept escalating… to the point that the only safe topic to talk about was the weather, after some time… I got tired… we could not have a civil discussion, I avoided religious topics, in order not to create conflicts, but they kept bashing me to other people… I gave up on them. I felt it was insulting what they were doing, I felt no need to keep proving them my intellectual acumen or psychological balance. I just left it at that and walked away from this friendship. I lost a friend of almost 20 years. This was some 10 years ago, but my heart still aches when I think of him. Now, I just pray for him, and for his wife (now ex-wife, since they divorced each other, more recently).

Be careful. Some conflicts never get solved, only get worse with time. Maybe God will move your fiancee’s heart, and you two will come to an understanding. But then again, maybe it won’t happen. You have absolutely no guarantee that you can change your fiancee’s heart. What if he continues his derogatory remarks after you marry him? What if he turns your future children against the Catholic Church? If his attitude versus the Catholic Church bothers you NOW, make sure to solve your conflict, and see eye to eye with him, BEFORE you marry him. Don’t count on the possibility that you can enter the marriage with an ongoing conflict, and solve it later.
 
Sorry, Animachristi, I’m behind the curve. I posted after reading the first page of the thread, and was not aware of the later happenings. Anyway, you are on your way of getting right with God, and your humility, your contrite heart is truly an inspiration to me.

Keep up the good work! 👍
 
Joseph_L_Varga said:
Sorry, Animachristi, I’m behind the curve. I posted after reading the first page of the thread, and was not aware of the later happenings. Anyway, you are on your way of getting right with God, and your humility, your contrite heart is truly an inspiration to me.

Keep up the good work! 👍
Click to expand...
Agreed - her humility is incredibly inspiring!
 
I do not feel mislead at all. You can only share with others what you have realized for yourself. I am sorry that you had to have such pain to make you realize where you were sitting but you are in a better place spiritually now and in some way I am sure you will feel the difference each time you take Eucharist. And when and if it comes time for you to truly take the Sacrament of marriage then you know you will truly be ready. In the meantime take a look at third orders. You can still marry and be a part of a third order - it is a calling but it is a beautiful thing. Your story will help others. Remember sometimes God whispers and sometimes He reaches down and smacks us in the back of the head.
 
Thank you again everyone for your comments and thoughts. I appreciate the encouragement, and I have gotten so much great advice and ideas about how to keep moving forward and closer to God!

Joseph - I’m glad you were behind the curve and able to post your story. Even though I came to a resolution regarding my engagement, I still need to carefully think through this scenario. Now that my ex-fiancé understands better what has been going on within my soul, he is holding out hope that maybe after the annulments, after time, and possibly after counselling (if we make it that far), that there still might be a chance for us. All of the previous posts regarding being in a “dual-religion” family are still very relevant for me. If through all of this it becomes apparent that my ex and I are not a viable couple, I’ve already made up my mind… My new standard for dating will start with the question, “Does he love Christ and His Holy Catholic Church?”

Love in Christ to you all!
 
animachristi1 said:
My new standard for dating will start with the question, “Does he love Christ and His Holy Catholic Church?”
Click to expand...
👍

I have seen mixed marriages that are good, i.e. my Protestant uncle is married to a Catholic woman, and they attend services at both Churches, but apparently they do love and respect each other’s Church.

Fighting, derogatory comments get really old with time… It’s not a way you want to spend a lifetime, listening to such comments…
 
Joseph - I hear you loud and clear! Most of my family is anti-Catholic - only my mother converted after me. At first it was painful when they refused to even try to understand why I converted… now we just don’t talk about it, minus the occasional sarcastic comment from one of them. I love them all and desperately wish we could communicate on that level. You would think with my experience with my own family, I would have been more careful about who I was getting involved with, but I guess I was not thinking clearing on many levels!
 
animachristi,

I’m glad you are taking positive steps. Continue seeking God and He will draw you to the life you need to live. Since an annulment is not a sure thing, be prepared if it is not granted.
 
He feels a void because he is not engaged with the Mass. Get a copy of “The How-To Book of the Mass” and read it together. Also, he should take the RCIA class – not to convert, necessarily, but so that he can understand basic Catholic theology and what you believe.

Together, these two things will give him a working knowledge of Catholicism, and he will not feel so lost.
 
Sparki777 said:
He feels a void because he is not engaged with the Mass. Get a copy of “The How-To Book of the Mass” and read it together. Also, he should take the RCIA class – not to convert, necessarily, but so that he can understand basic Catholic theology and what you believe.

Together, these two things will give him a working knowledge of Catholicism, and he will not feel so lost.
Click to expand...
Yoo-hoo.
You jumped into this thread quite late.
The OP, a lady, has broken the engagement.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top