Engagement and marriage

  • Thread starter Thread starter mountainman99
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
M

mountainman99

Guest
So I’ve been searching around for some Catholic guidelines about getting engaged, but haven’t really been able to find a whole lot. I don’t know what it is exactly that I’m looking for, but I’m just curious. I’m in a relationship with a very honest, loving, and spiritual woman. We’re both in our late twenties, we’ve known each other for almost a year, and we’ve been in a relationship for six months. The more I get to know her, the more I know that she is a blessing from God. We care so much for each other, and we truly try to bring each other closer to God. I’ve never experienced a relationship like this before, and I’m sure she hasn’t either. Recently, we’ve been discussing the future, and we are in complete agreement on all of the important things (marriage, children, careers, etc.). We both feel that “you just know” feeling about each other and getting married. I’m wondering what else we need to know before getting engaged, not married. If we get married, it wouldn’t be rushed or anything, but I’m looking for solid things we need to consider before the engagement. I know there’s no science or methodology for these kinds of things, but I do want to be certain that I’ve thought this through properly.

Thanks for the advice,
Doug
 
Dear Doug

The most helpful thing I can say (from experience!) is, you should get engaged if you want to get married. It is not a “state of life” itself. So, only if you intend to get married should you get engaged.

The Church generally requires 6 months’ notice to arrange Holy Matrimony.

I should venture to suggest an engagement (in the right spirit) over 6 to maybe 10 months may well feel strenuous.

Otherwise, have fun planning the wedding!!
 
See if you can find an Engaged Encounter type retreat. That should give you some ideas of things you should be talking about.
I think one innately knows when they are ready for marriage and ready to make that committment. It is one of the stages of life that we mature to. Seems like both of you are on the right track.
 
Check out this wonderful new website provided by the US Catholic Bishops.

foryourmarriage.org
👍

Particularly explore the site map which also gives you opportunities to take some quizzes on a variety of topics. The website is updated regularly too so the information changes.
 
Dear Doug
Click to expand...
The most helpful thing I can say (from experience!) is, you should get engaged if you want to get married. It is not a “state of life” itself. So, only if you intend to get married should you get engaged.
Click to expand...
The Church generally requires 6 months’ notice to arrange Holy Matrimony.
Click to expand...
I should venture to suggest an engagement (in the right spirit) over 6 to maybe 10 months may well feel strenuous.
Click to expand...
Otherwise, have fun planning the wedding!!
Click to expand...
I apologize if I made it sound like I want our engagement to be a state of life. The reason I put an emphasis on the engagement was because I wanted to know what things to consider before deciding to get married, not before getting married, although I agree deciding should mean getting married. Does that make sense? I just didn’t want to get a bunch of responses like “book the reception hall early” or “take pre-cana”. Right now, I want to marry her, and I’m not just overcome with feelings, but it’s as though I know it’s right. A part of me doesn’t trust emotions because I think they can be misleading, so I’m trying to make sure that I’ve thought this through and not let my emotions get in the way. Six months is not a very long time, but in that time frame, we’ve grown very close. I guess I’m asking if it’s possible to know that you’ve met the person you want to marry if you’ve only been in a relationship for a short period of time or are there other things to consider that you haven’t been tested with yet? I’m positive the trials don’t stop once you’re engaged/married, so this what I’m really asking: Is knowing you want to marry someone really this simple, assuming you’ve thought it through? If not, what should you know about each other or consider before beginning the path towards marriage?
 
Check out this wonderful new website provided by the US Catholic Bishops.
Click to expand...
foryourmarriage.org
Click to expand...
Particularly explore the site map which also gives you opportunities to take some quizzes on a variety of topics. The website is updated regularly too so the information changes.
Click to expand...
Wow! Thanks! This is pretty much exactly what I was looking for. It’s not strictly for married people or engaged people, but for people who are wondering what they need to know. After reading through it, it really gave me a confidence boost that we do know each other as well as I thought we did. Thanks again!
 
mountainman99 said:
I apologize if I made it sound like I want our engagement to be a state of life. The reason I put an emphasis on the engagement was because I wanted to know what things to consider before deciding to get married, not before getting married, although I agree deciding should mean getting married. Does that make sense? I just didn’t want to get a bunch of responses like “book the reception hall early” or “take pre-cana”. Right now, I want to marry her, and I’m not just overcome with feelings, but it’s as though I know it’s right. A part of me doesn’t trust emotions because I think they can be misleading, so I’m trying to make sure that I’ve thought this through and not let my emotions get in the way. Six months is not a very long time, but in that time frame, we’ve grown very close. I guess I’m asking if it’s possible to know that you’ve met the person you want to marry if you’ve only been in a relationship for a short period of time or are there other things to consider that you haven’t been tested with yet? I’m positive the trials don’t stop once you’re engaged/married, so this what I’m really asking: Is knowing you want to marry someone really this simple, assuming you’ve thought it through? If not, what should you know about each other or consider before beginning the path towards marriage?
Click to expand...
If you love each other, and are compatible on the major issues (faith and family) I think you’re ready.

I only knew my wife about 3 months when I knew we would marry.
Met in Sept., knew by Chrsitmas, engaged in March, married in August.

The modern date for 3 years, engaged for 2 years, is the aberration. Fifty years ago, people used to believe that if you dated for 6 months and weren’t ready to get engaged, you should break up.

Congratulations and God Bless!
 
Hi.

Here’s my standard lists that I pass on which my Dad gave me when I was dating the woman that became my wife.

We dated for 4 years + a 2 year engagement. Been married for 15 years.

In no particular order, give serious conversation to:

Religion - morals and values. Are you on the same page?

Children - how to raise, discipline and the thought on how many and when.

Money - saving versus spending. Normally (not always) one is a spender and one isn’t. Who would handle it and how. Does one need all the latest & greatest things? Sacrifice now for the long term payoff in the future? Someone need a house or cars that isn’t within means?

Career - does one desire to be a SAH parent? Does one want or need to relocate? Hours for particular desired career (some require a much larger time commitment than others) which may keep people away from home.

Family- how to care for and be involved (what level) should any parent need help medically (perhaps financially). What if someone moves away? If they already are in a different part of the country - how would you handle a crisis?

Social Life & habits. - drinking, smoking, hanging out with friends (types, activities and personalities), types of places each of you like to go to, vacationing, other things you enjoy separately or together, contributing to the community.

What do you want your life to look like in 3 years, 10 years and 40 years.

We all realize people & situations change as time goes on but my Dad ensured that if these were not dealt with on one level, they would be on a different level.

Some of these may seem relevant and others may not, but, generally at one time or another will need to be dealt with on some level.

I can’t stress it enough - take Pre Cana extremely seriously!

Best wishes…
 
Met DH at 2 a.m. and after 3 hours knew I wanted to marry him. He told his friends later that day that he’d found the woman he was going to marry. He proposed 2 weeks later and I accepted but we didn’t say anything to anyone since we knew we couldn’t get married right away. We dated for 6 months, got officially engaged, then he joined the military and I went off to nursing school. In the next 26 months we saw each other a grand total of 40 days and that includes the 5 right before the wedding.

One day, right after I graduated from nursing school, I got a phone call from the Base Chaplain informing me that we were getting married and that I needed to go see my parish priest. DH came on the line and said “I’ll be home around Oct. 18, we can get married on Oct. 24.” It was July 14. I went to see my pastor the next day, my one and only visit with him before I saw him again at the back of the church when he greeted us as we came to get married. We’ll celebrate our 33rd anniversary this October.
 
mountainman99 said:
I apologize if I made it sound like I want our engagement to be a state of life. The reason I put an emphasis on the engagement was because I wanted to know what things to consider before deciding to get married, not before getting married, although I agree deciding should mean getting married. Does that make sense? I just didn’t want to get a bunch of responses like “book the reception hall early” or “take pre-cana”. Right now, I want to marry her, and I’m not just overcome with feelings, but it’s as though I know it’s right. A part of me doesn’t trust emotions because I think they can be misleading, so I’m trying to make sure that I’ve thought this through and not let my emotions get in the way. Six months is not a very long time, but in that time frame, we’ve grown very close. I guess I’m asking if it’s possible to know that you’ve met the person you want to marry if you’ve only been in a relationship for a short period of time or are there other things to consider that you haven’t been tested with yet? I’m positive the trials don’t stop once you’re engaged/married, so this what I’m really asking: Is knowing you want to marry someone really this simple, assuming you’ve thought it through? If not, what should you know about each other or consider before beginning the path towards marriage?
Click to expand...
I think that a lot of people drag out the dating process for a lot longer than they should. I understand that sometimes obstacles (youth, finances, etc.) have to be surmounted and this adds extra time, but when those things are not issues, I cringe when I hear of couples dating for multiple years with no talk of possibly marrying. Usually one of the couple isn’t happy with that and the other can’t make up his or her mind. I know that my own personal rule was that if the guy didn’t know if he wanted to propose after two years, then I definitely didn’t want to be with him. I knew within a month of dating my husband that I wanted to marry him. He proposed after we’d been dating for 7 months, and we married 11 months after that. We’ve had five happy years of marriage now, and no regrets.

You’re absolutely right that the trials don’t stop once you’re married. Normal married couples argue and disagree sometimes, just like any families do. It sounds like you and your girlfriend are on the same page with the big issues- the ones that raise red flags if there are disagreements. Don’t discount the engagement period itself for continuing to work through things. Pre-Cana will require it (DH and I had some really good convos as a result of our marriage prep), and on the very off-chance (not likely in your case) that something insurmountable presents itself, an engagement is not binding. It’s the perfect time to get used to the idea that you and your intended will undertake the sacrament of marriage and be each other’s one and only for the rest of your lives. It’s intended to be a transitional learning and preparation period.
 
If you have been dating six month, you’ve *talked *a lot about things. I suggest before you get married you *experience *things. Like a holiday at her family’s house, everyday at her family’s house, and vice versa if you haven’t already. Go through at least a one year cycle.

Send a lot of time together, if you’ve currently been going on “dates” then spend time hanging out doing nothing-- or better yet, doing things like grocery shopping and cooking a meal together-- see the person in their “native” environment so to speak. When you are married, there aren’t many dates, there’s a whole lot of “being”.

It’s all in the details-- family holiday traditions, how much time to spend with family, money values, habits. For example DH and I live near his family and so we go to their house for Christmas. The tradition in their house is to open presents on Christmas Eve. My family always does it on Christmas morning. Honestly, while this new tradition is fine-- it just doesn’t feel right. And, it’s just one more thing to remind me that I’m now 1000 miles away from my family. It’s surprising how many things from your family of origin get the spotlight once you are married.

You need to talk through things like that-- how you will spend holidays but also how you will establish your OWN traditions.

Money is BIG. Don’t talk in generalities, talk specifics. If you are on the verge of being married, you should share everything including how much money you have in bank accounts, mutual funds, retirement, and how many credit cards you have and what you owe. Decide how you are going to handle your money-- joint account, separate accounts, how much debt (if any) you are comfortable with, how you are going to make large purchases, who will be working, etc.

Truly-- it’s in the details. And, while it’s worthwhile to talk about it in case you do find a “dealbreaker” it’s equally important even if you don’t. Knowing ahead of time about all these things makes your communication better in marriage and sets the foundation for how you will go forward.

Fulton Sheen has a great book called Three To Get Married. Also, a non Catholic book that’s more practical than theological is Date or Soul Mate by Neil Clark Warren. I highly recommend both.
 
I suggest pre-engagement counseling. So many folks monetarily and emotional invest in their wedding day before they have properly discerned anything, so they don’t feel like they have any freedom to back out.

This means just seeing a priest, taking the foccus test, and possibly meeting with a practicing Catholic couple that will help you trully see with clarity your vocation with this person.
 
agapewolf said:
I suggest pre-engagement counseling. So many folks monetarily and emotional invest in their wedding day before they have properly discerned anything, so they don’t feel like they have any freedom to back out.

This means just seeing a priest, taking the foccus test, and possibly meeting with a practicing Catholic couple that will help you trully see with clarity your vocation with this person.
Click to expand...
Great suggestion! Our pastor doesn’t put much importance on proper preparation: he hands them a workbook, they meet with him and chat a few times. In our parish it’s not rare for the couple to finish their last marriage prep class a week or two before the wedding. Even if you KNOW there’s something wrong with the relationship it would take a very strong person to back out at that point.
 
I suggest dating at least a year, and then start engagement tawk, but that’s just me.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top