Engagement and roomate

[Nerakprz]

Hi all. I’m in a tricky situation. I own my own house and my fiancee lives with his parents. We are planned to get engaged next year in September, however, until than, I wanted to get a female catholic roommate to live with me. Reason for this is because 1) it would help me save financially and 2) my fiancee and i have been struggling with sexual intimacy and i thought it would be a good way to hold each other accountable and not fall into that sin so easily. However, he completely HATES the idea and is so against it. He tends to sleep over on the weekends since he has a good drive back home and he said he would be willing to stop that. Do you think there is maybe something more towards it? I just feel a bit uncomfortable with his reaction. Maybe im just not understanding him. His reasoning is that he doesnt want anyone interfering with our relationship and thats understandable after just coming out of a big family feud. Any thoughts would be appreciated.

 

[1ke]

I own my own house and my fiancee lives with his parents. We are planned to get engaged next year in September,

I’m confused. You call him your fiancé but then say you plan to get engaged next September.

Do you mean you plan to get married next September?

I wanted to get a female catholic roommate to live with me. Reason for this is because 1) it would help me save financially and 2) my fiancee and i have been struggling with sexual intimacy and i thought it would be a good way to hold each other accountable and not fall into that sin so easily.

Financial help: great idea

Accountability partner: great idea, but i suggest someone other than a roommate

Making your roommate into the relationship police: Bad idea. Don’t put your roommate into the position of policing you.

he completely HATES the idea and is so against it.

It’s not his decision. It’s your house.

He tends to sleep over on the weekends since he has a good drive back home and he said he would be willing to stop that.

You need to stop having sleepovers whether you get a roommate or not. And if he stops sleeping over AND you get a roommate, it should not impact him at all.

Do you think there is maybe something more towards it? I just feel a bit uncomfortable with his reaction.

Yeah, whether or not I had a roommate was not the business of people I was dating.

 

[lwest]

Accountability partner: great idea, but i suggest someone other than a roommate

I’m just wondering what you mean by this…other than a roommate.

 

[Nerakprz]

Yes, i meant wedding sorry. We are currently engaged. Thank you for our thoughts!

 

[1ke]

I’m just wondering what you mean by this…other than a roommate.

Get an accountability partner that is a friend, family member, or someone from your church perhaps an older couple. An accountability partner is someone who helps to hold you accountable for whatever actions you might want them to. Some people have accountability partners for drinking, or pornography, or whatever. Yours would be related to having accountability within your relationship. Or even just a mentor to talk to.

 

[lwest]

But not someone who lives in the house? Rather, someone you can call when you feel tempted to talk you out of whatever it is you shouldn’t be doing?

 

[Nerakprz]

Wouldn’t that make sense? I understand not putting them in the middle of it. But they would be a catholic roommate, and it would more of me not wanting to give a bad example or do something that i know is not acceptable within church teachings. So that would be the way that “they” would hold me acountable. Not so much on their doing but more of my doing to do right

 

[Polak]

Is your fiance Catholic? Because I am wondering why he would be so against the idea?

 

[Nerakprz]

yes. he’s catholic. According to him, he is afraid that they will start drama and interfere in our relationship

 

[Polak]

Well not if you don’t tell the roommate to police you. I don’t think they would be comfortable doing that anyway, but yes, having a housemate around might indeed make it less comfortable for the two of you not to be intimate so I don’t see it as a bad idea, if it helps you out financially.

But perhaps if he is so against it, you could say fine, you won’t do it, on one condition, this intimacy has to stop before your marriage? Assuming that’s the main reason you want the housemate. If however you really do feel the money would help, then as mentioned above, it isn’t his decision to make as it’s your home.

 

[lwest]

Can you move back into your parent’s house? That’s automatic ‘policing’ And maybe they’d charge you less rent and you could still save money.

 

[1ke]

But not someone who lives in the house? Rather, someone you can call when you feel tempted to talk you out of whatever it is you shouldn’t be doing?

I would suggest not making that your roommate. They have to live there. It puts them in an awkward position to be the housemate police, so to speak. They are paying money to you. They aren’t a friend, first and foremost they are a paying tenant.

So, yes, someone else. You could call them. Set up regular check-ins.

As for your fiance, start by setting boundaries like no sleeping over, no being in bedrooms, maybe no being in the house or alone if you can’t resist temptation.

 

[TheLittleLady]

First thing is work on boundaries. If you as a couple cannot abstain prior to marriage it is going to make abstaining during marriage all that much more difficult (medical reasons, separations due to work or family commitments, natural family planning, etc.)

Why does your fiancee assume a roommate will cause drama? Has drama from third parties been a problem? Then work on those issues.

If you are asking a person to be roommate only for the next 11 months, for them to meet specific moral and religious criteria, and to police your intimacy, that is asking a lot.

 

[otjm]

Maybe im just not understanding him. His reasoning is that he doesnt want anyone interfering with our relationship and thats understandable after just coming out of a big family feud.

For my $0.10 worth of psychology of males (I am one, for whatever that is worth) I think he “gets it”. Meaning, I think this is more about issues of “intimacy” than it is about “interference”.

I don’t know who had the big family feud, nor is there any information of what the basis of the feud was about. But I fail to see how a “feud” would have anything whatsoever to do with you getting a roommate.

A bit of plain English: 60 years ago we referred to him “spending the weekends” as a “near occasion to sin”.

Engaging in sexual intimacy when you are nowhere near marriage is a recipe for disaster; it has an all too frequent and all too likely component of walking the walk of sexual intimacy for the sake of the self rather than for the sake of the other. In short, it is NOT a total self-giving; it tends to be a “taking”. And yes, that can be both sides, but men are particularly likely to be seeking sex outside of marriage for selfish self-centered reasons.

Congratulations on having a house. Dave Ramsey would be proud of you.

It is your house; if having a roommate helps A and B as you list them, your boyfriend should be among the very first to approve. If he is not, that rates as a “flag”. Something is being said, or not said, that has zero to do with “interference” - or, it has a whole lot to do with that. Last time I checked, most people have family after they are married; anyone who is super sensitive to anyone else “impinging” on their marriage is going to be a very difficult person to live with, Not to mention they have marks of being controlling.

And as part of this - since you are either engaged or right on the precipice in intimacy you should not be engaged in, a year away from an engagement and even farther from a marriage - why are you not already engaged (that is a question for you - we don’t need to know).

And pardon me for being suspicious, but what else has he objected to which has not made perfect sense? Again, we don’t need to know the answer.

I would strongly urge you to contact (Google) the Chastity Project (Jason Evert) and buy and read one or more of his books. Now is the time to spend , not just on avoiding sexual intimacy, but learning why doing so is not just about “a mortal sin”. It runs far deeper into the relationship between men and women, and between husbands and wives.