Engagement before Graduation from College?

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seeker_of_God

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Hi,

It seems like a lot of people who are dating in college, want to wait until after graduation before they get married. I want to see if there are those who might get married before they graduate from college, or whether people think this is a bad thing, and why.

My girlfriend and I are discerning marriage, and really feel that it will soon be the time to get engaged (we are thinking this summer). We both already feel that level of commitment towards each other in our hearts, but it just isn’t official yet. We both know that we would only want to marry the other. We’ve had our trials and our conflicts of course, but God has really seemed to bless our relationship.

So we are thinking about getting engaged. We will both be juniors next year in college. Initially we were planning on getting engaged next spring and married immediately after graduation, but we both feel called to get engaged before that.

I know some people say it is better to finish school first, but we are both going for our masters degree right after we graduate, and neither of us are willing to wait until after that.

So then we are really thinking of getting married next summer, instead of waiting two years. We feel like two years would be too long for us, and think that we are ready for it to happen next year. It seems, too, better to do it then rather than trying to get used to married life as well as the stresses of graduate studies at the same time.

So I’m asking your opinion on this. Her father approves though wants us to make sure we are going in with eyes open obviously, but we anticipate that her mother might have an issue with it, and so are a little fearful. Others have been very supportive though.

But what do you think?
 
Hi Brandon, I’m in a similar situation! I am also a sophomore in college, and I’m in a very serious relationship with a young man who is a senior. He is going to spend the next two years in graduate school at our current university, and we hope to be married the summer after we both graduate, him with a Master’s degree and me with a Bachelor’s.

I think that if you are both mature and understand the commitment you are making to each other - and, from your post, it sounds as though you are and do - there is no reason why you cannot be married before your senior year of college. There is actually a couple at my school right now who did that same thing, and they appear to be doing well.

My boyfriend and I, however, have decided to wait. We both feel that these upcoming two years will help us to grow stronger as a couple and as individuals. We also don’t want to marry before we can be independent from our parents; I know I would feel strange if I had just formed a family unit of my own but still had to ask Mom and Dad to pay my tuition.

But those are personal reasons. I think that if God is really calling you to be married sooner rather than later, and that if you are ready for it and can make it work, there is nothing holding you back. Good luck to you, and God bless!
 
I’m in the same boat, too. Except we’re even younger. I’m just finishing my freshman year of college and my boyfriend of 2.5 years is graduating in a month from high school. And we are hopefully not going to wait until we both finish college to get married–that’d be another four years! We’d have dated for almost 7 years by then. Btw, we may end up engaged before my boyfriend even starts college, though that’s not looking promising…so, we’re all but engaged.

A lot of things to consider:
–Finances: Housing [Dorms vs. Getting Married and Renting an Apartment together]
Insurance [Especially if you’re on your parents]
How do your loans/financial aid change if you are no longer a claimed dependent under your parents?
What happens should you become pregnant? Are you capable of going to school and caring for a baby at the same time?
What are the positives and negatives of getting married younger?

For me a definite positive would be better sleep–I wouldn’t have to live in a college dorm, my boyfriend calms me down considerably more than I ever am elsewhere, not living in a college dorm would mean I could eat healthier food [no meal plan], etc.

Finances would be rough, but besides that, I don’t really see any negatives. I wouldn’t mind having a baby right now. Yes, it’d be tough, but I love babies. And I’ve taken care of many for over half my life by now…
 
My husband and I were engaged the fall before my graduation. We were married just after I graduated. I don’t think it necessarily would have taken as long as it did if we a) lived closer and could spend more time together and b) we had money to be married. A lot of it hinged on getting out of college and not having to have all my money go towards school.

Plus, planning a wedding while going to school sucks. Being married while you are in school (I speak from experience) sucks worse, because there are WAY MORE fun things to do than essays and study guides. And I’m not just talking about the obvious! 😉
 
Thanks everyone for your replies.

We have talked a lot about it. I think she is a little more nervous than I am because of the factor of trying to plan a wedding, but we both want this to happen sooner than later. We agreed I would behhandling the finances since I have always been rather responsible with that.

I was looking at prices for apartments today a bit, and I really do think we can manage it. As for cost of tuition and such, mine is fully covered without any contribution from my family, though it might be a bit harder when I enter graduate school, though I’d just try to get a job if possible. I know her family covers some of hers. I think though that financial aid should actually be improved if we were to get married, since our family’s incomes wouldn’t be factored in, so that would be very good.

But I do think it is manageable. We would probably try to wait until after our masters to have children, until we are more stable, but of course we will be open to life if it is God’s will.

Whitacre_Girl, I see what you are saying. Unfortunately, no matter when we do this, we will both still be in school. We both want to get our masters, and even after that I want to go on for doctoral studies. So really no matter what we do, we’ll still be dealing with school and marriage at the same time.

I know the big thing right now is telling her mother, and I know she is really nervous about that. So far the rest of her family approves though.

Right now my big thing is choosing a date to propose. I’m thinking July 26, because it is the memorial of Sts. Joachim and Anne, but I am not certain yet. I don’t want it to just be a random day. I’ll accept any other good ideas though. I would have done the day we met, but that’ll be right before school starts so I don’t think that’ll be a good time.
 
I think from a man’s perspective a downside to an early marriage is reduced career and experiential opportunities. When you have a wife and even kids in college or just after you lose your chance to study abroad, take an unpaid or low paid internship, or to be able to move around for work and take different jobs. When you are married, your wife will likely want and really demand stability and this means that you will need to be more conservative in your choices. You dont have the freedom to be flexible and adventurous. Your have to consider what your wife wants. If you have a kid or kids that is another dimension. Kids cost a lot of money. They also require sacrifice. When you have a wife and/or kid you wont be able to have the college experience. You wont be able to go out to a pub and get some drinks every weekend with friends. Plus if you have to pay for your own college and apartment off campus, this means at least one full time job. This takes away free time even more and you really miss out on many aspects of college life that are beneficial. You have less time to make friends and get involved in campus events. Graduate school is also very difficult. These days in order to make really good money many career fields require a masters degree. A bachelors is really the bare minimum for any job that can support a family or you need a lot of relevant work experience.

Another thing is that when you get married during college, life events frequently happen and this extends or crushes your college career. You can say all you want about getting pregnant in college being doable but not is it very difficult but it can jeopardize your college career. Some children have more needs than others and require more time and money. This means more of your time will go the child and less to class work. This means a drop in grades if not outright failing grades because of the lack of time. Caring for a baby in college is exceedingly difficult because of the time issue. A child deserves all the attention that the parents can give but when you have to work full time and go to class something has to give. Frequently this will be time with your husband/wife or time with your child. If you are forced to take part time class loads, this makes college even longer and hinders your ability for graduate school.

So, if you do get married you will be basically living as if you were not married unless you want to risk a baby.

In college especially you miss out on dating and meeting other people. Once you are married this is it. In college you come across a lot of different people. When you are tied down it is impossible to be open to other people. For girls this doesnt mean as much since women are more receptive to marriage and dont mind being tied down but for men it is a loss of freedom. I have been able to have dinner with a wide range of girls. When you are married your wife would likely get very upset if she found out you had dinner with another girl! It is not very appropriate since it puts you in a position that invites scandal if word gets out you had dinner with a woman that is not your wife. At a young age it is hard to give up this kind of freedom. You never will get back your young years.

Personally, I wouldnt recommend even having any serious relationship in college because of the unnecessary baggage a relationship brings. That is why I have stayed clear of relationships. Women are very pushy in relationships. They always want you to spend more time with them and frequently their problems will become your problems. It becomes difficult to have a life outside of your girl. I think college is the time in life to be independent and to enjoy yourself before you enter the real world workforce.

I am also of the mind that marriage isnt very advisable until you are financially and professionally established. This is not for superficial reasons but because it makes marriage that much easier! You know for sure you can afford a family and care for children. There would not be the same fear of what if we got pregnant or living pay check to pay check and barely scraping by because you had a child before you could really afford it.

For woman though the considerations are different. Women in general are more clingy and like to lay their roots down and never leave. They have a biological clock that ticks by rather fast and thrive on the stability of a relationship. For women I think the best advice is to wait until after college. If there is a significant amount of student loans, I think it is only right to pay some back so as to not lay that burden entirely on a spouse. However since women (those considering marriage at all at a young age) are in general going to become stay at home moms I do not see the same need to be personally established financially and professionally. I would focus more on being a good marriage partner and mother. It just isnt as relevant for the task of being a mother to become established professionally or financially.

Whatever path you choose in life do not rush into anything. At 18 everything seems to be so far away. However, time passes by pretty fast. The worst thing that waiting can do is to let God show you to a different path. The worst thing rushing can do is lead to a failed marriage. Many people get set on one particular thing and it messes them and their faith up when that thing doesnt pan out like they hope. If people took a wait and see approach I think you become more informed and even more strengthened knowing that your relationship was strong enough to last the test of time. Rushing just seems very desperate as if you are trying to get married before someone can change their mind. This inevitably leads to hardship down the road when the feelings wane and people look back on what could have been or see things they were blind to because of the strong feelings of love.
 
My husband proposed over Christmas break during my Junior year of college…
He’s 10 years older, and lived in our home town 2 hours away from my college town… I would drive home every weekend to spend time with him and my own family… and to then plan for the wedding…
Our wedding was over the Christmas break during my Senior year of college… we continued to have to life separately during that last spring semester during the school week, but were together on the weekends…

For us, the timing was perfect! 🙂
 
It just depends. We got married while still in college : got engaged in the summer after our Bachelors, and married a year after, 1 year before our Masters graduation.🙂
It was tough, of course, especially the wedding organization where we did not have much our say since we were unable to pay anything ourselves. But this was even a good point, because it helped us to focus on the meaning of our wedding instead of investing our attention on the material aspects, and it was a marvellous day, even if it was not the “dream wedding”.
Our first year of marriage was tough, both financially and emotionally. For the latter, I don’t think getting married later would have changed anything, adjusting times are tough anyway. And well, financially, we both had jobs which barely took us at the end of the month, but we managed.
We would not have had it otherwise, because we were ready. Our relationship had gotten to the point where marriage had to be the next step. If you feel so, too, go ahead. BUT do keep in mind the advice that was given there, especially regarding children: for us having children at that time would have been very difficult to manage, and I’m glad we stuck with NFP and everything went fine, but we were ready to go with the consequences should we get pregnant. That’s something to discuss.

So, in a nutshell, your check-list of questions should be
  • am I ready to go for a wedding that might not look exactly like what I dreamt of outwardly, as long as I have had time to prepare the spiritual side ?
  • am I ready to go through a financially difficult time ?
  • am I ready to go through this emotional newlyweds-turmoil, or do I feel this will prevent me from concentrating on my studies (a good friend of mine waited 8 years till he finished medical school because he was so stressed out by it he knew he would not be able to manage a wife at the same time).
  • am I ready to go with the consequences if a little baby comes along ?
    That’s for you both to assess. 🙂
 
I think it depends… from my experience waiting until after college is better. My fiance and I have been together for 5 years, met freshman year of college. We didn’t get engaged until a year after college. And I’m happy we waited so long.

Here’s why. Waiting allowed us to learn to appreciate each other more. It was less about our time and more about God’s time. It’s allowed us to save up money for a house. He was able to graduate a year early and begin his career. We’re in a much better position now to begin a family after our wedding. Because really, that’s one of the reasons to get married is to have a family and it’d be awfully hard doing that while still in college.

We have some friends that got married while still in college. They’re in such huge financial debt right now and are still in college. I wouldn’t want to be them. Because as it is, we have been able to save up a bit more so that we’re a bit more prepared for the long run. Money isn’t everything, no, but I think it’s important to at least try to set yourself up for success and preparedness.

And, for what it’s worth, my fiance and I are in a long distance relationship now, have been for about 2 and a half years. But it works out. We both live with our parents right now just to save up more money before our wedding.

Back in college I was all worried about getting engaged to the point that it was starting to wear at our relationship. I was focusing on what I wanted, not what God had planned and what would work out best for us. Now that I can see how it’s panned out I am so glad we waited and feel dumb for focusing on it so much that it was hurting us.
 
First of all, I think long engagements (even long courtships) are generally a bad idea. You get engaged now, you will have an egagement of over 2 years. Secondly, it is probably best to wait until after graduation to get married, but, assuming you are both mature enough to get married and understand what you are doing, that idea may be overstated. How are each of you paying for college and living expenses during college? If parents are providing most of it, they oftern do not want to support a married couple, so it would be best to wait. If you are both putting yourselfs through college, I see no problem with being married before you graduate. But I know I am in the minority on this issue.

If one of my college kids wanted to get married AND I felt like he/she was marrying a good,Catholic person, and they were both mature enough to do so, I would be ok with it. I would probably prefer it to a 2 year long engagement, which will inevitable lead to near occations of sin. I would even agree to keep the financial support going at the same level as now until graduation.
 
As a general rule, I think it is better to wait until after getting the undergrad degree.

I dated my now Dh all the way through college (and one year of high school) before getting married the summer after I graduated and before going to law school. I think being married (and children) in graduate school is a lot easier than in undergrad. Graduate schools have experience with married students with children. We were open to children right away and ended up with a wonderful baby 9 months later. We were also engaged for 2 years, which helped me plan the wedding at a slow and easy pace. There was really nothing stressful about it.

I don’t think I would have ended up in law school if I had gotten married in undergrad. I needed that last year to focus on my studies, the wedding, and my applications (also the baby wouldn’t have helped). But everyone is different.
 
tafan said:
If one of my college kids wanted to get married AND I felt like he/she was marrying a good,Catholic person, and they were both mature enough to do so, I would be ok with it. I would probably prefer it to a 2 year long engagement, which will inevitable lead to near occations of sin. I would even agree to keep the financial support going at the same level as now until graduation.
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👍 I’m ok with that.
A good priest had advised this to my parents, too, before it came out that we would be able to be on our own, though on a tight budget, once we got married : “go on give your child the same amount you would have given him were he/she still single”. Then that’s for the couple to manage this money. What must be prevented, though, is interference from the parents in the young couple’s finances : it has to be clear that, once given, it is THEIR money, for them to use as they like.
 
This is a very difficult thing to decide on your own. Have the two of you sat down with your priest to discuss this? You need to — tell him of all the financial, family, and personal questions that will be necessary to discuss to help make a decision.

My DH and I got married immediately out of high school at age 18. (We were both 18.) We will have been married 38 years this June, so for us, it was a good decision. But what did we sacrifice?

I always had great grades in school and wanted to go to college. I did not go to college until I was 45 years old! What prevented me was finances and priorities. Are you willing to put off your education in order to be the best wife/husband and parent God calls you to be?

We had our first child when I was 25. When I had her, I became very ill and nearly died from pregnancy complications. I was told to not have other children. Then 16 months later, our son was born. So - had I been in college, I do not think I would have been able to keep going. My own illness would have been enough, let alone the care of a baby…then another pregnancy. Are you planning what you would do if something similar happened to you? How would it make you feel to have to make such choices? WIll you begin to resent each other or the children?

Then with our 2nd child, when he was 4 months old he became very ill, needed several surgeries and nearly died. It took over 8 months for him to become stable. Remember - I also had my daughter who was 16 months older than him! I spent night and day at the hospital with my son. My daughter saw me erratically and I was exhausted. My husband worked two jobs to pay our bills. We were very fortunate to have excellent insurance. How could I have stayed in college through that? And it takes a huge toll on one’s marriage — are you strong enough to handle the stress, the pain and the financial problems?

By the way — when I was 30 and the children were young, both DH and I converted to the Catholic faith. Our kids were raised in the Church and went to parochial school until mid-high school. I became a SAHM and Hubby worked (usually) two jobs to allow that. We both felt strongly that our children be raised by us and not a sitter.

Move ahead 21 years…my daughter insisted she was ready to marry her high school boyfriend. They had dated 5 years. She was 21 and he was 24. We tried to convince them to wait one more year and let her get through the junior year of college at least. But they were sure they could make it. The marriage was a Catholic one…and they separated 4 months after the wedding. Divorced later. It does create pressures that you don’t expect when you are married and in college or to be married at a very young age. Yes - it can be successful, but I believe really good pre-marriage counseling and consideration are needed.

You may say you are going to only be engaged - not married. But I believe engagement will lead to more sexual tension than if you remain “dating”. I know it may seem to not make sense, but the fact is, you would be “almost married” and that leads at times to think, “Well, we are going to be married anyway , so …”. And once that line is crossed, it is difficult to nearly impossible to not cross again.

I really liked mjs’ response. Re-read it. Think about this and pray, pray and pray. Seek guidance from your parents and your priest.

I wish all of you the best. My DH is the BEST man in the world and was truly sent to me from God. But not everyone is so fortunate to find this at a very young age.
 
I appreciate everyone’s replies.

Please keep in mind the following though: regardless when we get married, one or both of us will be in school. The question si weether we will be in our senior year of our undergraduate, or in our masters. So all the problems that can come with that are still going to be the same, and we don’t want to wait until after then. Even if we did, I would still be going to get a doctorate, and we will not wait until after that.

So that’s basically what it comes down to. Not whether or not we are in school, but how far advanced in our education we are, because regardless, we will still be in school.

Razz(name removed by moderator), thanks for your reply as well. I do feel like you are trying to scare me a bit too much. Of course we have talked about all of this extensively, especially lately since we’ve been talking about engagement.

You can never foresee circumstances that might occur, but you can’t put it off because of that. I think, as others have said, that it is dangerous and unhealthy for a relationship to prolong either the courtship or engagement period too much, and so we do not want to do that.

Neither of us want a fancy wedding or anything like that. We recognize that the sacrament itself is the most important thing. Neither of us are going to try to live above our means. We are both perfectly content with that.

As to those who have questioned about the financial situation: my tuition is covered, and should be until I graduate. My family has nothing to do with it, and in fact getting married should help things even more, if I understand it properly. In her case, her family covers some of it. However we both think that we should be able to manage an apartment off campus just fine without help. We’re both going to the same place for our masters, so we will just stay there until we move somewhere a little more perminant afterwards. We both know each others’ goals and will support each other on them.
 
Seeker — no - I am not trying to scare you as such. Just trying to make a few points. Obviously, getting married at a very young age did work with me and my husband. I could never have chosen a better man or father for my children and we love each other more and more every year that passes! I desperately wish the same could have been said for our daughter.

What I intended to say to you was only that there were always going to be things that happen tht you can never prepare enough for…so are you both willing to take whatever happens and trust each other and God to help you through it? It sounds like you both have your heads on pretty darn straight. I wish the very best for both of you!
❤️
 
Razz(name removed by moderator) said:
Seeker — no - I am not trying to scare you as such. Just trying to make a few points. Obviously, getting married at a very young age did work with me and my husband. I could never have chosen a better man or father for my children and we love each other more and more every year that passes! I desperately wish the same could have been said for our daughter.

What I intended to say to you was only that there were always going to be things that happen tht you can never prepare enough for…so are you both willing to take whatever happens and trust each other and God to help you through it? It sounds like you both have your heads on pretty darn straight. I wish the very best for both of you!
❤️
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I’m sorry to hear about your daughter.

Thanks for your advice though. I do think we are willing to deal with anything that might come up. We know that it’ll be probably very frightening at first trying to get used to everything, but then how much will postponing really help that? It’ll be just as frightening no matter when it happens, and I think it’s hard to prepare very much for that eventuality.
 
I got engaged when I was 20 (junior in undergrad- he was 19 and a sophomore in undergrad) and am still engaged now 3.5 years later. I’m a second year going to my third in medical school so we decided to wait. It’s not as long as you think it is. It’s possible!
 
seeker_of_God said:
I appreciate everyone’s replies.

Please keep in mind the following though: regardless when we get married, one or both of us will be in school. The question si weether we will be in our senior year of our undergraduate, or in our masters. So all the problems that can come with that are still going to be the same, and we don’t want to wait until after then. Even if we did, I would still be going to get a doctorate, and we will not wait until after that.

So that’s basically what it comes down to. Not whether or not we are in school, but how far advanced in our education we are, because regardless, we will still be in school.
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I am in law school, married, with a child, the reason I suggested waiting is that grad schools are better equipped to help students with spouses and children. Undergrad schools just shuffle these students around and more or less push them out. (I saw it happen) Grad school is a different atmosphere than undergrad.

If you are married before senior year, do you have a plan for studying, filling out your gad applications, etc. What happens if you and her don’t get into the same graduate school? Graduate schools are very competitive and it is difficult to get into one, much less have both people get into the same one or two close enough together to live together. Are you willing to separate or put off going to grad school so she can get her degree?

I get by at school doing the bare minimum amount of work, because my DH works a swing shift so he can be at home with the baby while I am at class, and it is very difficult to do homework while watching the baby. I am not involved in any extra activities or even school related ones, because I have to go home and be with the baby. I realize for men, this experience is often different, but as a mom, I had to find times to pump at school, and then I had to come right home so I could keep the milk cold, I couldn’t go into school any earlier than I do unless I want to pump more etc. So while these things might not affect you per se, what about your future wife?

I guess what I am saying is that if you are going to be supportive of your wife getting her masters then you are going to have to consider this stuff and be ready to sacrifice things that you may want to be a part of. The only reason my DH and I am successful is because he is willing to sacrifice everything for me and the baby, including a well paying job and meaningful work experience, so I can get my degree.
 
jilly4ski, thank you for yoru advice, but again you don’t have the full situation.

We are both going to the same graduate school, assuming we both keep our grades where they should be. We are entering the accelerated programs for our respective majors. Therefore there won’t be as much of that concern.

Of course I’ll support her, but we are supporting each other in our goal of obtaining a masters degree, and then eventually for me a doctorate. But it is reciprocal for us. It is both of us going to school.
 
My husband and I believe in young marriage.

We started dating when we were 16. We went to college together and got engaged when we were sophomores. We got married when we were seniors.

No regrets. We were so ready. We’ve been married 31 years this summer, and love each other more than ever.

My younger daughter started dating her guy when she was 14, he was 17. They dated for five years, and then he proposed. (She was a sophomore in college.) They got married two years later, right before she started grad school.

Here are our recommendations:
  1. Have a PLAN. Not just an idea, but a PLAN. Make sure that the plan provides you with enough money so that you can live cheaply, but comfortably (no rat-infested tenements, no Ramen noodles for six months, no skimping on health care, etc.) Dirt-poverty will really put a strain on a marriage–read some of the threads on this forum and see what I mean. It’s no fun to run out of money and have nothing to eat in the house, or a car that doesn’t work, or an illness, but no money to visit a doctor. Don’t start life believing that poverty doesn’t matter when you’re in love. It DOES matter. Make sure your plan gives you enough money to live comfortably–but cheap. It won’t kill you to live in a one-room apartment and have hand-me-down furniture (LOTS of people want to give away their furniture and other household junk to a new young couple!).
In our case, the plan consisted of my husband delaying his senior year of college to accept an internship/job at a company, while I finished my clinical internship. This was back when companies still hired and paid interns a living wage! He made $14,000 in that first year! But to this day, we’ll both say that we had everything that we needed.

In my daughter’s case, the plan consisted of her husband working as a auto mechanic and her working as a skating coach while she finished grad school (required for physical therapy). It’s worked out pretty well; her husband was living on his own income from the time he was 18 years old, so he was used to paying his own way and not relying on parents. He has taken on a second job since they got married, but it’s a “love” job–he’s working in a gun store with one of his friends! (He likes guns and shooting sports.)
  1. The plan should NOT involve parents paying any expenses other than Christmas presents and loving visits! If you are not old enough to pay your own expenses, including college costs, you are not old enough to get married. When you get married, you cleave to each other and provide for each other. You don’t continue to cleave to Mom and Dad, other than as your loving parents.
  2. Make sure to allow for the possibility of children arriving unexpectedly. Again, this should not involve Mom and Dad taking care of your child, other than an occasional evening so you can go out as a couple.
If you can honestly say that you have all three of the above, I would say, Happy Wedding Day!
 
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