Entitled Neighbor

[QuietTimes]

Hello, I have a conundrum of sorts. We live next to a pastor and she is very much into living the Health and Wealth gospel and into Liberation Theology. We have had lively chats and I have had to correct many of her erroneous views on the Catholic Church. A year ago she fell from her stairs and she also suffers from fibromyalgia and other ailments. So she is stumped as to why God would do this to her, or allow it.
Anyhow as we have gotten to know her over the 3 years, she has come to ‘expect’ things from my husband and I.

Such as taking our her trash, running little errands for her, fixing things for her, but she has also gotten very rude and entitled with us. She will come over and drop of the meals on wheels that she doesn’t care for, I have told her several times to cancel their service. I feel that that is an abuse on her part to take something that others can use. While I have dropped off groceries to her she has shoved her trash bags at me to take out for her, without telling me it is trash or saying anything, like a please or a thank you. She calls me every other day for some demand or nonsense, like if I can record the Thorn Birds for her because she really loves that movie. I don’t even have time to watch television, let alone record a heretical movie for her.
We have 6 children, currently expecting again so I am not feeling too well, and we homeschool too. I feel although I know I am called to be as charitable as I possibly can be, I am getting confused as to how I can maintain my sanity over her constant pestering me and her demanding ways. If things do not go her way she blames the devil, and she manipulates those around her by saying God wants us to do things for her. My husband and I are afraid to run into her when we are outside and we will sometimes rush back into the house if we see her, or hear her voice.

Sorry for the vent I just had it with this woman, and at the same time I don’t want to be uncharitable and mean.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

This book can be very helpful.

Boundaries: When to say Yes, When to say No, to take control of your life

Being charitable does not mean that you have to put up with RUDE behavior. You do not have to meet her demands and then resent her for making them. Better to decide right now what you will and will not do for and with this woman.

If she is a pastor, where is her “flock?”

 

[Ohana]

You don’t say how old your neighbor is. Some of this sounds like some older people as they get more feeble. If that is the case, it might be worthwhile to engage some others in assistance with her: other neighbors, her congregants, her family if you know of them.

On the other hand, if this is a younger person, a frank talk with her might be in order. Let her know how her demands impact you, along with what your are willing and not willing to do. In either case, you would be right that you need to set some boundaries with her - and not the fence!

By all means, continue to assist as you can. Her neediness may have a reason.

 

[1ke]

You have to train your neighbor just like you have to train your children. So far, it seems you are the ones who have been trained.

You change your behavior and your response to her. Decline to do these things for her, suggest she gets part time help either paid or volunteers from her church. If she give you a guilt trip or says it is the devil, just IGNORE her.

 

[Bezant]

Hello, I have a conundrum of sorts. We live next to a pastor and she is very much into living the Health and Wealth gospel and into Liberation Theology. We have had lively chats and I have had to correct many of her erroneous views on the Catholic Church. A year ago she fell from her stairs and she also suffers from fibromyalgia and other ailments. So she is stumped as to why God would do this to her, or allow it.

Anyhow as we have gotten to know her over the 3 years, she has come to ‘expect’ things from my husband and I.

Such as taking our her trash, running little errands for her, fixing things for her, but she has also gotten very rude and entitled with us. She will come over and drop of the meals on wheels that she doesn’t care for, I have told her several times to cancel their service. I feel that that is an abuse on her part to take something that others can use. While I have dropped off groceries to her she has shoved her trash bags at me to take out for her, without telling me it is trash or saying anything, like a please or a thank you. She calls me every other day for some demand or nonsense, like if I can record the Thorn Birds for her because she really loves that movie. I don’t even have time to watch television, let alone record a heretical movie for her.

We have 6 children, currently expecting again so I am not feeling too well, and we homeschool too. I feel although I know I am called to be as charitable as I possibly can be, I am getting confused as to how I can maintain my sanity over her constant pestering me and her demanding ways. If things do not go her way she blames the devil, and she manipulates those around her by saying God wants us to do things for her. My husband and I are afraid to run into her when we are outside and we will sometimes rush back into the house if we see her, or hear her voice.

Sorry for the vent I just had it with this woman, and at the same time I don’t want to be uncharitable and mean.

Quiet Times, will you be patient with her until she turns on you?

It’s a very real possibility. God forbid she accuses you of theft, property damages, or even child abuse.

Remember that your family is your top priority. Everyone else is secondary. At this point you are not giving out of charity but fear and guilt. Enough is enough.

The time for discussion has ended. Keep your contact with this woman to a civil minimum. Secure your home and protect your children.

 

[jmcrae]

Sorry for the vent I just had it with this woman, and at the same time I don’t want to be uncharitable and mean.

It isn’t rude to say “No,” or “Sorry, not this time!” Say it with a cheerful smile.

 

[lerapt78]

This is a tough one, QuietTimes - it’s hard to draw lines while at the same time wanting to be neighborly, isn’t it?

I assume it will be next to impossible to avoid her if you home-school, so it pretty much leaves you with no choice other than to be firm about denying certain requests. You don’t have to withhold *all *help, but you could certainly cut out the unimportant requests (such as taping TV shows) by simply stating you don’t have time to set apart during the day (or evening) for company. Use your children as an excuse if you have to. I think once you say “no” the first time, it will be easier to do it the second time. After you do this with a few things, hopefully she’ll get the hint that you are not her personal assistant.

Also, is she a working pastor? If so, wouldn’t that mean she has a congregation? Why not suggest to her that she post a bulletin or make an announcement at her church asking if anyone would be willing to volunteer to provide their phone numbers so that she could contact them in times of need? If she says something like, “Oh, I couldn’t bother them with such trivial things”, you can just remain silent with a “but it’s OK to bother *me *with such trivial things?” look.

(As a side complaint: I (personally) have a problem with the widespread “diagnosis” of Fibromyalgia. Not to get off topic regarding this subject, but I wouldn’t necessarily let her health complaints lead you to think she is incapable of taking care of basic daily living activities.)

 

[QuietTimes]

This book can be very helpful.

If she is a pastor, where is her “flock?”

I actually have this book and was talking about it today, time for me to reread it again. As it was a while ago that I read it. Thank you for the reminder.
As far as her flock they have flocked away, she has burnt a lot of bridges with her high needs attitude. I did not realize that till my husband pointed it out to me. I don’t think she is part of any church at the moment.

You don’t say how old your neighbor is. Some of this sounds like some older people as they get more feeble. If that is the case, it might be worthwhile to engage some others in assistance with her: other neighbors, her congregants, her family if you know of them.

The poor woman only has one son that is the same way as she is, and is as uninvolved with her as he can possibly be, I don’t blame the guy much. She is 60 years old to be carrying on the way she does.
I am quite sure her neediness has reasons, but I am not her therapist or her sounding board to allow her to treat me in that matter.

You have to train your neighbor just like you have to train your children. So far, it seems you are the ones who have been trained.

I have become more and more distant, not returning her calls and such. Today when she called to let me know that the meals needed to be picked up because ‘they’ made her spill her coffee creamer. I just said, “I won’t be able to get them and maybe you need to find someone else to get them off your hands, but I am not home and won’t be.”

I just needed assurance that ignoring her was alright to do , wow, I sound like such a child that needs reassurance. Oh goodness.

Quiet Times, will you be patient with her until she turns on you?

It’s a very real possibility. God forbid she accuses you of theft, property damages, or even child abuse.

Remember that your family is your top priority. Everyone else is secondary. At this point you are not giving out of charity but fear and guilt. Enough is enough.

The time for discussion has ended. Keep your contact with this woman to a civil minimum. Secure your home and protect your children.

Exactly! I have feared from her as well and have wondered if I don’t do A for her will she then do B to me and call CPS or something. Aside from being a pastor she was a 4th grade teacher and has tried to pry into our homeschooling, and I don’t let her in at all. We also have a son with autism that needs a lot of care and we are also schooling him as well and he is thriving and doing awesome at home, I would hate to see her turn that upside down.

Unfortunately at some point you will have to tell her to her face that you care for her but can no longer help with trash or errands any more.

My biggest question to you and concern for her is for her mental health. Was she always this mean and rude?

Thank you Monicad, yes she was actually worse with her treatment of others. Her attitude has actually improved quite a bit. That is where I think the entitlement issues come into play, they have always been there as far as I know. She can be very nice and sweet, but I see now that she only uses people to her advantage and can be very manipulative.
Setting boundaries is going to be the next step for me, as I can see now that she does not respect me or our family. I hate saying that about anyone but the truth is that there are those that are unstable. I just can no longer cater to her carrying on and ungratefulness.

This is a tough one, QuietTimes - it’s hard to draw lines while at the same time wanting to be neighborly, isn’t it? It sure is

Also, is she a working pastor? If so, wouldn’t that mean she has a congregation? Why not suggest to her that she post a bulletin or make an announcement at her church asking if anyone would be willing to volunteer to provide their phone numbers so that she could contact them in times of need? If she says something like, “Oh, I couldn’t bother them with such trivial things”, you can just remain silent with a “but it’s OK to bother *me *with such trivial things?” look.

(As a side complaint: I (personally) have a problem with the widespread “diagnosis” of Fibromyalgia. Not to get off topic regarding this subject, but I wouldn’t necessarily let her health complaints lead you to think she is incapable of taking care of basic daily living activities.)

From my understanding because she is a female, and quite the feminist, according to her the other male pastors have not allowed her to pastor where she was at, and she was voted out.
I have said no to her a few times, in hopes that she would get the hint, and it has not worked. I struggled with how I was starting to feel over all this. I felt like I was doing something wrong or not being strong enough, which now I see that is the case. I just need to be more firm and I also think it is time for me to set some clear rules with her.
I don’t take out her trash, it just so happens that I will drop something off for her and rudely just shoves it in my face and closes the door on me, so now I am just going to leave it on her step. She is very capable of taking care of herself, if she can go to get her hair and nails done with no assistance than I think she can take care of other things she depends on all her neighbors to do for her.
As far as the Fibromyalgia I have often thought the same.
She can go on and on about her aches and pains and even sound as though she is dying just to get us to do stuff for her.

Lastly I want to thank you all for your words of encouragement. I really struggled with this for some time. I know now that even charity has boundaries and limits. God Bless!!!