Envy

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Ok - I am not really sure why I am posting this other than to vent and ask for prayers but… I seem to be really struggling with envy right now. I have been married for 16 years and have 7 kids - 13, 11, 9, 6, 4, 2, and 6months!! I am a SAHM now but was a dietitian. I was an avid runner for 15 years and am very proud of the two marathons I have finished. Unfortunately, I now have hip osteoarthritis and cant even walk without pain much less run. I am 37 and need a total hip replacement. My husband has a good job that provides well but we cannot afford nice vacations or a bigger house that we could really use. My husband is a great man, and I hate to complain about him, but he has his own struggles and is a poor communicator. He is generally not a very "happy " person. I shoulder 95% of the household/childcare burden. He often works late or is busy doing other things leaving me with the kids. I cant get out much because I cant really go anywhere with 7 kids and dont have anyone to help!!

Anyways, I am envious of all the moms my age who can walk comfortably. I am envious of our peers with beautiful homes and nice vacations. I am envious of families with well behaved children as I feel as if I am always on the brink of losing it lately. I am envious of the moms who are in such good shape as I now have 20 lbs to lose and cant even exercise it off!! I am envious of moms who can go out. I am stuck at home. I cant even make it daily mass or monthly confession since I have no one to help with kids and I certainly can’t take them. I am envious of parents with supportive grandparents. Both of our parents live within 10 miles of us, but I feel like i am always inconveniencing them if I ask for help. I was hoping my mom could watch my kids for 2 days a month so I could get a massage and run some errands(I would even pay her!), but that doesnt seem to be working out either. I am envious of women who have loving and supportive husbands. My husband is a good man, but I can’t help but see how other men treat their wives or help out around the house and be jealous. I could go on and on…I am even jealous of a couple in our community who just had twins as I have always thought that would be such a neat experience and everything seems to be so perfect for them!!

This is eating me up!! I generally dont do this and am a very positive person. My husband, on the other hand, is always beating himself up about not measuring up or being good enough, so I sometimes wonder if just being with him is rubbing off on me and I am now getting his “glass half empty” perspective. Regardless, I hate it and want to be happy instead of continually envious of others. I know everyone has their problems, and things could be MUCH worse. I just wish I could kick this. Can anyone offer anything that might brighten my perspective?? Please be nice.:o
 
Cathmomof6 said:
Ok - I am not really sure why I am posting this other than to vent and ask for prayers but… I seem to be really struggling with envy right now. I have been married for 16 years and have 7 kids - 13, 11, 9, 6, 4, 2, and 6months!! I am a SAHM now but was a dietitian. I was an avid runner for 15 years and am very proud of the two marathons I have finished. Unfortunately, I now have hip osteoarthritis and cant even walk without pain much less run. I am 37 and need a total hip replacement. My husband has a good job that provides well but we cannot afford nice vacations or a bigger house that we could really use. My husband is a great man, and I hate to complain about him, but he has his own struggles and is a poor communicator. He is generally not a very "happy " person. I shoulder 95% of the household/childcare burden. He often works late or is busy doing other things leaving me with the kids. I cant get out much because I cant really go anywhere with 7 kids and dont have anyone to help!!

**Are those “other things” actually more important than you being able to get out and do exercise that is good for you? (Swimming or yoga or whatever your doctor recommends.)

Talk to him about the family priorities, your needs, and where your well-being fits into the hierarchy.

It might need to be just a late evening (decaf) coffee run where you strap the 2-year-old and the infant into the car, turn up the radio, and hit the Starbucks or Panera’s drive thru. (A tall skinny iced mocha is 100 calories, by the way, and a big unsweetened ice tea is 0 calories.) I have a nearly-2-year-old and I do that fairly frequently and she seems to love it. (I have a foot injury that’s been taking almost 9 months to heal so far, so for me, the drive functions as a sort of simulated walk.) **

Anyways, I am envious of all the moms my age who can walk comfortably. I am envious of our peers with beautiful homes and nice vacations. I am envious of families with well behaved children as I feel as if I am always on the brink of losing it lately. I am envious of the moms who are in such good shape as I now have 20 lbs to lose and cant even exercise it off!! I am envious of moms who can go out. I am stuck at home. I cant even make it daily mass or monthly confession since I have no one to help with kids and I certainly can’t take them. I am envious of parents with supportive grandparents. Both of our parents live within 10 miles of us, but I feel like i am always inconveniencing them if I ask for help. I was hoping my mom could watch my kids for 2 days a month so I could get a massage and run some errands(I would even pay her!), but that doesnt seem to be working out either. I am envious of women who have loving and supportive husbands. My husband is a good man, but I can’t help but see how other men treat their wives or help out around the house and be jealous. I could go on and on…I am even jealous of a couple in our community who just had twins as I have always thought that would be such a neat experience and everything seems to be so perfect for them!!

This is eating me up!! I generally dont do this and am a very positive person. My husband, on the other hand, is always beating himself up about not measuring up or being good enough, so I sometimes wonder if just being with him is rubbing off on me and I am now getting his “glass half empty” perspective. Regardless, I hate it and want to be happy instead of continually envious of others. I know everyone has their problems, and things could be MUCH worse. I just wish I could kick this. Can anyone offer anything that might brighten my perspective?? Please be nice.:o
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You’re right that everybody’s got problems. If I ever meet somebody that doesn’t seem to have any problems, I figure it’s just a sign that I don’t know them well enough to hear about those problems. Heck, even Mother Teresa had problems.

Everybody’s kids have problems. Perfect public behavior is no guarantee of perfect home behavior. A lot of kids are EVIL to their mothers at home.

Are you homeschooling all of the big kids? Is that something you should reevaluate?

Your husband is a good man, but maybe it’s time for him to be a better man. Explain the situation to him and ask him what he thinks you should do to get some regular time off. Don’t ask him for anything concrete at the moment, but have regular scheduled talks about this until you feel better.

Are your husband’s mental health needs being taken care of properly?

You aren’t being unreasonable, by the way. If you were “glass half full” with 7 kids at home all the time, an unhelpful husband, and a serious physical disability, I’d say you were being delusional, which would be a serious problem all by itself.

Good luck!

P.S. I have two kids in school and an almost-2-year-old and she’s going to parents’ day out pretty soon (one day a week, 5.5 hours). I’m not sure that will be a success, but it’s always an option if you can scrape up the $15 bucks a day (or whatever it is in your area). My plan for that time is to 1) catch up on household clerical work (emails, phone calls, paperwork) 2) doctor and dentist apts. and haircuts as needed 3) exercise that doesn’t hurt me, if possible.
 
Paul’s BMW Theory of Life:

I once saw a guy in a BMW in traffic beside me. Suit, gold rings, you know, successful. I was envious. I mentioned this to people, and they all tried to take him down - probably I spend more time with my kids, I bet you’re a better husband, whatever.

NO, there are some people better off then you. Objectively better people. More money, more charitable contributions, more time with family, everything. Closer to God. Just plain ole’ good people.

There are also a lot of people less fortunate than you. Objectively, you are bettor off, better looking, whatever.

Our goal in life is to not envy those better off than us, and to show compassion for those people less fortunate.

Practically, the OP needs to sit her husband down and have a talk…
 
You sound to me like a wonderful, but totally exhausted Mum. Can’t imagine how on earth you cope and am full of admiration for you. Are there any other Mums in your area who are friendly? Can you talk frankly with your Doctor?
It’s hell to pile on the weight because you physically cannot be as active as you would wish. Can totally empathise with you there!
Everyone is envious to some extent. It’s how we handle it that matters, as it can become too important and does nothing for your self esteem.
Try to remember that you are uniquely precious to Our Blessed Lord, who loves you as His own child, no matter what! (In my case it’s very much “what”!!!)
Tell Him how you are feeling. He will make His love known to you in ways you may not expect. His love never falters and neither does your value to Him>
Someone told me to make a list of all the positives in my life and all the things which made me happy. Then to list what I wanted from my life, in the next week, month, year, whatever time span applied. You might like to give it a try?

Thinking of and praying for you :hug3:
 
First of all, you may be envious of an illusion. Like with the couple that has twins, they may seem to have the perfect life, but do they?

For all you know, maybe the husband is unfaithful. You don’t know what is going on there, not really.

If you could switch places with any of these people, would you?

I have severe juvenile rheumatoid arthritis I’ve had for 40 years. I will have had about a dozen operations when I’m through. I’ve had cancer.

However, when I am really honest with myself, if I could trade places and have anyone else’s life, do you know I wouldn’t do it? I wouldn’t trade my life for anyone elses.

Well, about the couple with the twins, they probably have problems you aren’t aware of.

I used to work in mental health. We had people who coud smile and carry on, and we’d get them into the office. Some were depressed to the point of being suicidal. You honestly don’t know what crosses people are carrying behind the scenes that they don’t tell you about.

I looked at some of these people, and my problems, which had looked so huge, began to even seem small by comparison.

I am reading, and teaching, one blind student now. He had his mother…killed, I think in a robbery. He also lived in a really bad section. He never knew his father. He got into a street gang, did things he regrets, and once, the gang came after him with brass knuckles, blinded him for life. He is only 17 y.o., but he’s already had 7 surgeries, trying to save his eyes.

He lives with his relatives, who don’t seem to want him there. We had one exercise on violence in the text, and he was supposed to go home, listen to an argument, bring it back for me to read. He couldn’t even put down the words they said, because they were just so damaging, the name calling and such.

I teach him English, and he lives outside of the area, needs to depend on rides. He never is able to get the full class. They pick him up sometimes just after I begin.

I’ve been trying since last semester to get him to a library. He got a ride once on his own, but wouldn’t you know, the day he went, it was closed.

I wanted to teach a mother. She wanted to cry, saying she never learned to read or write. Her daughter is blind. I don’t know where the father is. There wasn’t a school in her area.

The coordinator of the Blind Association has cataracts, is basically blind. His wife has something, is basically blind, too. He has 2 grown sons. One’s completely blind, and the other has very low vision.

They all live in Mexico and receive no aid from the government. They generally don’t teach Braille here in schools. Some people travel from out of state to our school.

I have another place I volunteer. My supervisor is blind. She is married. Her husband is blind. They have 2 daughters. One’s blind, and the other can see. She got blinded at 2 years of age when she had a high fever. She was in a coma…for 2 YEARS!

She had some kind of accident, has a back problem. Yet, she teaches at the school, can’t drive, even if she had a car, depends on taxis.

She invited me over to her house the other day and made me breakfast, wanted me to stay for lunch.

In Mexico, there is almost no protection for people with disabilities.

These people are mostly upbeat. Although, the one who was pretty much orphaned, he is having a hard time. Even he jokes around most of the time. Unless he told you his story, you’d never know what he has suffered.

I am from a family of 11, myself. My mother had 4 miscarriages, too.

It was hard, and indeed, having a large family, in modern times, is a special challenge. It normally isn’t done, and one has to withstand a lot of insensitive comments.

However, now, my mother is reaping the benefits. We have one doctor, a nurse,…etc. When my father was sick, my sister figured out he had sleep apena and knew what to do.

I have one sister who built a HOUSE for my parents to live, nextdoor. She took care of my father in that house till he died.

There are tremendous advantages to a large family. Among all of us, my parents are tended to. They have grandkids that pitch in and also help.

It’s beautiful.

At times, I too, envied other people who had nice clothes and things. Now, I look back and see in a lot of ways, I had it over them. Some people who are a only child envy us. They wish they could have had brothers and sisters.

I learned from all my brothers and sisters. We played board games, just invented our games. My upbringing was unique, beautiful, wonderful.

We played together. We could form our own softball team! We did all kinds of things together from bicycle riding, swimming, horseshoes, cards, you name it. In fact, in a lot of ways, my upbringing was unbelievably diverse and rich. It is rich to a point another person could possibly envy it.

I have a friend on CAF who wants to get married one day, have a large family. He WANTS that. He said it’s beautiful.

We had our own library!

We had a collection of games.

Oh, one thing my mother did was have us all chip in and help. My mother washed dishes, and I dried and put them away. Sometimes 2 or 3 of us dried. I also would set the table. My brother took out the garbage.

We girls helped prepare meals, as well. We might cut up things, say.

We each had our chores and helped, and we learned responsibility.

My parents kept us so busy that we didn’t have as much time to get into trouble. We had as many activities as we could handle.

The older ones helped the younger ones, also with studies.

If I could go back and redo it, I doubt I’d want to be an only child or have a small family. I wouldn’t take a vacation or big house over my family.

Although it may not feel like it at this moment in time, you actually are blessed. You will probably be able to better appreciate them, especially in your old age.

God bless!
 
ClearWater said:
I used to work in mental health. We had people who coud smile and carry on, and we’d get them into the office. Some were depressed to the point of being suicidal. You honestly don’t know what crosses people are carrying behind the scenes that they don’t tell you about.
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Yeah–look at Robin Williams. A lot of people were surprised that such a funny, cheerful guy could be an alcoholic and depressed.
 
Clearwater, all that you wrote sounds fine and dandy on the surface, but when your own mother will not help out on occasion, I feel for her. And for another poster who thought scraping up $15.00 per day and having a child in day care…well, add that up. Having 7 children 24/7 is a major work in progress. I feel for her as my own mother had 11 children and had no time to herself whatsoever. I just wish I knew where she lived and close by; I would at least baby set for her. I do think another poster made a more viable suggestion of getting into the car- if she has one-and getting out for an hour. I am also thinking that rather than having envy she is just overwhelmed and depressed as is her husband. I think storming the heavens with prayers for her and her family is called for. I know I will pray for her.
 
mebcb said:
Clearwater, all that you wrote sounds fine and dandy on the surface, but when your own mother will not help out on occasion, I feel for her. And for another poster who thought scraping up $15.00 per day and having a child in day care…well, add that up. Having 7 children 24/7 is a major work in progress. I feel for her as my own mother had 11 children and had no time to herself whatsoever. I just wish I knew where she lived and close by; I would at least baby set for her. I do think another poster made a more viable suggestion of getting into the car- if she has one-and getting out for an hour. I am also thinking that rather than having envy she is just overwhelmed and depressed as is her husband. I think storming the heavens with prayers for her and her family is called for. I know I will pray for her.
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I’m just trying to say that other people have lives that may seem enviable, but when one goes deeper down, they are not lives to be envied, is all I mean.

I would be overwhelmed under those circumstances. I am sorry if it came across like I was trying to trivialize it. It can be hard, tiring, stressful. I know both my parents took naps here and there whenever they could.

Too bad the church couldn’t help. I heard in some denominations, people help each other. Like, one could go and say one has a large family, could use some support, and the parishioners would actually help each other.

Too bad we weren’t more like that. I guess that’s one thing I admit I admire about many protestant denominations. They help each other.
 
mebcb said:
Clearwater, all that you wrote sounds fine and dandy on the surface, but when your own mother will not help out on occasion, I feel for her. And for another poster who thought scraping up $15.00 per day and having a child in day care…well, add that up.

**I suggested public school if they are being homeschooled and putting the 2-year-old in parents’ day out. One day a week (5.5 hours) in our area is $15. That’s $60 a month. That’s how that adds up. It’s a lot for a low-income family, but for an upper income family (even with a lot of kids), it’s doable. I would happily cut one of the older kids’ activities to fund mother’s day out for a toddler.

Unless the OP’s area is incredibly dangerous, public elementary is probably OK. (I read a lot on education issues, and my impression is that public middle school is often less good.)
**

Having 7 children 24/7 is a major work in progress. I feel for her as my own mother had 11 children and had no time to herself whatsoever. I just wish I knew where she lived and close by; I would at least baby set for her. I do think another poster made a more viable suggestion of getting into the car- if she has one-and getting out for an hour. I am also thinking that rather than having envy she is just overwhelmed and depressed as is her husband. I think storming the heavens with prayers for her and her family is called for. I know I will pray for her.
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That was also me with the car suggestion, actually.

I do the car thing several nights a week (sometimes combined with a small evening grocery run by myself or with the almost 2-year-old) and I also am putting our almost 2-year-old in parents’ day out once a week.
 
ClearWater said:
Too bad we weren’t more like that. I guess that’s one thing I admit I admire about many protestant denominations. They help each other.
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They also often mind each other’s business and judge each other like crazy. I’m afraid you can’t get the good stuff without the bad stuff.
 
mebcb said:
Clearwater, all that you wrote sounds fine and dandy on the surface, but when your own mother will not help out on occasion, I feel for her. And for another poster who thought scraping up $15.00 per day and having a child in day care…well, add that up. Having 7 children 24/7 is a major work in progress. I feel for her as my own mother had 11 children and had no time to herself whatsoever. I just wish I knew where she lived and close by; I would at least baby set for her. I do think another poster made a more viable suggestion of getting into the car- if she has one-and getting out for an hour. I am also thinking that rather than having envy she is just overwhelmed and depressed as is her husband. I think storming the heavens with prayers for her and her family is called for. I know I will pray for her.
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She asked how not to envy, and I was saying ways. One of the ways is to count our blessings. Another way is to think of others who have it worse than we do.

These are legitimate techniques.

I’ll enclose a few more. There was a time, before, I used this list, myself, found it helpful.

psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2009/05/12/8-ways-to-overcome-jealousy-and-envy/
 
Thank you for the replies and prayers. I dont want to demonize my mom. She definitely will help me out in a pinch but nothing regular, which is what I need!! I know it is hard work to watch all my kids and i hate to burden others with that so some of it is probably me. It was our choice to have these kids, and I dont want to put that on others.

A talk with my husband, while a good suggestion, will probably not be too effective. We have gone over this before. He always says he will pick up the slack but when it comes down to it, nothing ever improves. The fact is, he has a very high stress job with a long commute, and is continually worried that he will lose his job. Our perspectives are very different as well. I need a relatively clean house with well behaved children. He is definitely more permissive with the kids and has a very different perception of “clean”. At least that is what I tell myself when his laziness is irritating me!! He can be very short-tempered with the kids and often resorts to yelling empty threats. When I do try to “unload” my burdens with him, his response is always the same. He turns everything around , i.e. “I am horrible husband!, We should not have had this many kids!, So and so is so much better than me!”, etc, etc. He can be a real downer sometimes. I have always been more of the “rock” in our relationship. He probably does have some depression problems but feels he can control it with lifestyle modifications (which he never sticks with). So long story short…I have to handle this on my own - involving him would only stress him out more than he already is. Another reason I am envious of others:(

I do not homeschool. I wish I could as maybe our kids would behave better but probably not with me as the teacher. Chaos would rule, I’m sure. My kids dont listen to me well enough to be their teacher. I admire women who can do that!!

We do have a YMCA membership with child care so when all the stars align and I am able to get there, I will go on the elliptical or lift weights for an hour or so. I do manage to do that usually 2-5 days/week. While that is surely good for me, it eats up my whole morning by the time I drive there, drop kids off, exercise, pack them up, drive home, shower. After lunch, that leaves me with like 2-3 hours to do laundry, dishes, and pick up my horribly neglected house before the older kids come home, and I need to resume my job as referee. Arghhhh!!!

I really do want to get to heaven one day (a long time from now as right now my family could not survive without me!!) I hope when that time comes this will all be worth it because I cannot see the light right now - just my many shortcomings!!!
 
Xantippe - We live in a pretty rural community as well. I dont know of any programs like you mention. I would definitely utilize if I did. This past summer, our neighbor girl, who is now a freshman in college, came to our house every Wednesday 8-5. I paid her usually around $40, which I know is like slave labor for what I am asking, but it was heavenly. I set up all our appointments for wednesdays, got groceries, went to the Y, daily mass, sometimes got a massage or a pedicure. It was great!! But now that girl is in college and I am without any assistance. My 2 oldest(13 and 11) do watch the younger ones for short outings but I usually get a million calls during that time that so and so is bossing so and so or someone hit someone or took something or wont let them do something!!!
 
oh and I am envious of moms who can help in their kids’ classroom at school. My 6 year old son is in kindergarten this year and I would say almost weekly the teacher sends home a calendar with the time slots of all the great parents who volunteer their time. The teacher seems to be constantly asking for parent volunteers and publicly thanking those in the weekly newsletter for their help. Well I would LOVE to help but until she provides daycare for my 4, 2, and 6 month old, I will not be able too. OK, so maybe this is my guilt, but why cant she just privately thank these great parents instead of sending home letters for those who cant volunteer to feel terribly guilty.

I am just venting now!! Sorry:(
 
Cathmomof6 said:
Ok - I am not really sure why I am posting this other than to vent and ask for prayers but… I seem to be really struggling with envy right now. I have been married for 16 years and have 7 kids - 13, 11, 9, 6, 4, 2, and 6months!!
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Seven children is a lot of work; I sympathize with your frustration.

If I may ask, how good are you at delegating responsibilities? While you’re the mother (and the greater burden of childcare should fall upon you), there’s absolutely nothing wrong with assigning responsibilities to your older children that will lighten your load a bit.

Is there any reason, for example, why the 13 and 11 year-olds can’t babysit the younger children for a couple of hours maybe twice a week so you can take a break for yourself - either doing some light weight-bearing exercise, or just spending some calming “alone time”?

The 9 and 6 year-olds can be taught to keep their rooms clean, set the table, etc.

Little chores here and there can add up to a *lot *of help for you in the long run when you consider that you’ve got 4 extra pairs of hands at your disposal to carry them out.🙂

Edit: just noticed your post about your eldest children babysitting and calling you often while doing so.

Have you tried explaining to them that - barring an emergency - they should try to settle little disputes amongst themselves, as you need their cooperation so you can get other things done? Have you tried to make it clear to the younger ones that when you’re not around, the 13 year-old is “The Boss” and should be obeyed in your absence?
 
One is the issue of envy, which is the one you have raised.

Here is more advice on how to manage envy.

drphil.com/articles/article/340

However, you clearly don’t have an easy row to hoe. So, there is always marriage counseling, though not sure how you’d manage the time to do that.

Since you asked for ways to lighten the load, there are sometimes financial, or other, resources that you might be able to qualify for. Don’t know if that’s something you’d be interested in pursuing or not.

I have a friend who has 8 children with her youngest with Down’s Syndrome, and she said there was one time when they had to ask for assistance, that they simply couldn’t find another way.

I think large families were a bit easier to maintain in the past when we had farm life, and each person could work on the farm.

It’s different now, and VERY expensive.

I’m from a family of 11, that is to say, I have 10 brothers and sisters, together with my parents, we had thirteen.

We were fortunate in that we had gardens and such, and my mother canned and used a couple refrigerators. My father worked the garden during the summer, worked 2 jobs to support us all.

I have a friend who is from a family of 20, but she’s from Colombia. I’ve never asked her how they ever managed. I suspect they had a farm arrangement, but I’m not sure.

ALL of us pitched in.
 
Oh yeah, and my father was a “Jack of All Trades”. He knew some carpentry, electrical, plumbing, mechanics. He also was very creative, an inventor-type person.

If we had roof problems, he’d get a ladder and be up there fixing it. He’d fix whatever went wrong. I can’t even hardly remember when they called a specialist in for help.

He did all kinds of stuff, himself. He changed the oil, fixed the car.

He’d be under the house in the crawl space fixing I don’t know what. He mowed the huge lawns. Although, my brothers also helped.

Again, we helped. We helped with the cooking, cleaning, setting the table, making the beds, dusting, and years ago, my sisters helped with taking care of us.

The older ones helped the younger ones with homework, and this actually gave fruit later on. Once, my younger brother helped me with my college Chemistry. He got so good at it that he later went into AP Chemistry and for a time, Food Science!
 
Cathmomof6 said:
T

A talk with my husband, while a good suggestion, will probably not be too effective. We have gone over this before. He always says he will pick up the slack but when it comes down to it, nothing ever improves. The fact is, he has a very high stress job with a long commute, and is continually worried that he will lose his job. Our perspectives are very different as well. I need a relatively clean house with well behaved children. He is definitely more permissive with the kids and has a very different perception of “clean”. At least that is what I tell myself when his laziness is irritating me!! He can be very short-tempered with the kids and often resorts to yelling empty threats. When I do try to “unload” my burdens with him, his response is always the same. He turns everything around , i.e. “I am horrible husband!, We should not have had this many kids!, So and so is so much better than me!”, etc, etc. He can be a real downer sometimes. I have always been more of the “rock” in our relationship. He probably does have some depression problems but feels he can control it with lifestyle modifications (which he never sticks with). So long story short…I have to handle this on my own - involving him would only stress him out more than he already is. Another reason I am envious of others:(

**I think you probably need to put your foot down on the mental health stuff, make him some appointments, and then take it from there.

Next time he goes into the “I’m a horrible husband!” act, don’t go into your usual reassurances, but tell him that you want him to be a better husband, to be taking care of himself and learning more productive ways to deal with stuff at home.

I think I’d also point out to him that his style of dealing with conflict or difficulty will get him fired if that’s what he does at work. Doing therapy could help him keep his job.

If he does the too many kids talk, tell him, “Well, we’ve got them now, so we need to do our best. I think therapy would help you cope better with our family size.” Just keep bringing it round to therapy and don’t be afraid to be bossy about making him appointments and making sure he gets to them–keeping him alive is part of your job. The kind of stress you’re talking about could easily send him to an early grave if he doesn’t learn to manage it better.
**

We do have a YMCA membership with child care so when all the stars align and I am able to get there, I will go on the elliptical or lift weights for an hour or so. I do manage to do that usually 2-5 days/week. While that is surely good for me, it eats up my whole morning by the time I drive there, drop kids off, exercise, pack them up, drive home, shower. After lunch, that leaves me with like 2-3 hours to do laundry, dishes, and pick up my horribly neglected house before the older kids come home, and I need to resume my job as referee. Arghhhh!!!

**Perfect! Keep doing that.

And put the big kids to work.**

I really do want to get to heaven one day (a long time from now as right now my family could not survive without me!!) I hope when that time comes this will all be worth it because I cannot see the light right now - just my many shortcomings!!!
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Best wishes!
 
Speaking of laundry, here is a method I have used (with varying degrees of follow-through) for the past 2+ years (my kids are 12, 9 and almost 2).

I wash and dry all the clothes. When the clothes come out of the dryer, I take care of the laundry for me, my husband and the baby. The two oldest children each have their own laundry basket for clean laundry. I put their clean laundry in their baskets and wash my hands of it at that point. We started the system about 2+ years ago when I was put on bedrest and my husband had to take over laundry.

When I am at the top of my game, I periodically tell the big kids to put away 20 items of clothing from their basket. If they’re bored–20 items of clothing. If they’ve watched too many cartoons or are glazed over from too much Minecraft–20 items of clothing. Otherwise, their clothes sit in their baskets and I don’t bother my pretty little head about them. (The system does lead to suboptimal results for dress-up clothes when they’ve been sitting at the bottom of the basket under a pile of other clothes, but normal clothes are fine.)

In your particular case, the number of baskets for older children might be pretty frightful and/or a fire hazard, but the system works well for us with just three clean baskets.

Best wishes!
 
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