Equally Yoked?

[MichiganMack]

I’m dating an awesome lady and have been for about 6 months. although I’ve known her for a year. I’ve dated a lot of women and this one could be a keeper. We’re both in our mid-20s with good jobs and similar interests. We met at a church retreat near our Midwest city and we just clicked.

My girlfriend is an amazing woman and her faith is one of the top reasons I say that. She believes, for the right reasons. She is faithful while still being fun. A good mix of sass and holiness.

The biggest difference we have is in how we pursue our faith. I go to mass twice a week and pray a few times a day. If time permits, I’ll join a parish course or bible study. I go to confession about twice a month. I love my parish and will help out whenever they need it. I need a retreat a couple times a year. I tend to take my faith at face value, having struggled with it growing up. That’s about my involvement in the church and it’s enough to make me fulfilled.

My girlfriend goes to mass six times a week, confession weekly, attends retreats about once a month, and goes to any and every parish event she can attend. Still, we spend plenty of time together. She reads a lot of books and blogs on our faith. Her interest is almost at an academic level and I know she loves to ask the “why” far more than I do.

This difference hasn’t been a big deal, but I’m afraid it might become one. I know myself and I know that I don’t want to read long books about the saints or Marian devotions. I really could care less about the Catholic blog chatter and the latest thing in theological controversy. I’m more of a top-level, bottom-line kind of person. I follow the Catechism and believe deeply in a life of obedience and prayer. I try to learn more about my faith as I go but I’m not a scholar of it and don’t intend to be one. My faith is the one area of my life where I’m not a skeptic.

My girlfriend loves to share her knowledge and I learn a lot from her, but I’m usually somewhat lost by her references to treatises from 400 years ago. That doesn’t make me feel stupid, but it does make me wonder if some day she’ll feel unfulfilled by our conversations or that I won’t be “Catholic enough” for her. I’ve suggested that she could become a theologian but she doesn’t want to go back to school. All signs point to me, with a career that is a lot more profitable (and demanding) than hers, becoming the breadwinner in a marriage.

Honestly, some days I just want to walk away and find someone with a similar approach to faith. I feel so blessed to have found this woman but sometimes I think she’ll want to use vacation time for a pilgrimage and I’ll want to go to Aruba instead. I’ve seen wives so involved with the parish that their husbands feel literally abandoned. That scares me because I’ve seen the good men caught in those situations and the anguish it can cause. There is such a thing as too much of a good thing and sometimes I doubt whether my girlfriend knows where that line is. I’m really afraid of signing up for a lifetime commitment and then being a permanent backup plan.

I feel like the honest thing to do is break up and let each of us find better matches. The hardest part is that we have a great relationship now and my doubts are about the future.

I’m on vacation and I keep thinking I need to make a decision before I go back home next week.

 

[skigirl1689]

I’m not Catholic and my parents are totally the opposite when it comes to practicing their faith: mom attends church weekly and took us while dad listens to Christian radio and attends services maybe once a year on Christmas Eve not including weddings and funerals. But surprisingly my dad lives his faith more than my mom. They really don’t have an issue with how it is, but others do find it a bit strange. Just telling you this so you know where I am coming from.

What struck me when I read your post is you did not mention discussing your concerns with your girlfriend. You need to before making any decision, period. Does she even know it concerns you? Is she pressuring you to do more or is she content with how it is?

I’d say if she is content and you agree what is an appropriate amount of involvement if you were to marry her, I would not end the relationship. But, realize you are not going to change her and your concerns may stem from you subconsciously feeling inadequate when you see her doing more than you are when it comes to spiritual things.

 

[tundramom]

Sounds exactly like my husband and I. I am just like your girlfriend. I am a convert and want to discuss theology ad infinitum while my hubby is a cradle Catholic who takes everything on Faith. NOT a reason to get rid of her. She can learn a lot from you and vice versa. I took forever to just accept Faith and my hubby is still learning theology. We help each other and we grow together, just not always at the same pace or area. Don’t be discouraged!
Steph

 

[Trishie]

Have you told her your concerns?
And mentioned it could be a deal-breaker for your relationship?
We need to live our faith, and you do.
Endless religious discussion to the already converted isn’t always needed by everyone, nor is it sanctifying.
Practical kindness, lived-out-love is what the Commandments call for, and that Jesus’ summary of the commandments requires, and it is what the Lord judges us upon as seen in Matthew 25 verses 31-46.
Perhaps she does need to ease up a little on her discussions.
You are a not just a Sunday Catholic and your dedication to going to Mass three times a week as well as giving time to prayer each day, is admirable.
You are a treasure and many a good Catholic girl would be thrilled to find someone like you.
Could you ask her to be a little more considerate, as enthusiastic as we may be we still owe consideration to others.

We all need to be respectful of each others’ natures and spirituality. We don’t all have the same needs and path. All our learning won’t make us holy and it may perhaps not even make us charitable. Yes, we need to be informed Catholics, but not all of us need to know every word ever written about our faith We can even become spiritually proud and not realize that if we drift into an almost obsessive set of behaviors.
Daily Mass and weekly confession has been a matter of years for me but I don’t inundate everyone else. My poor husband wouldn’t and couldn’t stand that. He has a practical nature that operates best in a practical way. He has never objected or stood in my way, and he should have my respect also.

Do you perhaps need to make an occasion where there are no distractions, and have a good honest talk with your girlfriend about your reactions to the deluge, and your fears regarding the future. Then perhaps she can give consideration to your different nature and needs, and decide whether she can respect and appreciate the good Catholic you are without inundating you with (name removed by moderator)ut, and whether or not you are/will be the priority in her life that a husband should be. Don’t let your fears discourage you too easily. There are few if any perfect, or perfectly yoked marriages, but if she can be encouraged to moderate her discussions without feeling cheated, that could be helpful. It would be a shame to lose her as you mostly get on well, and there may not be so many others who will be as committed to faith. It’s a rare thing to find a perfect relationship, if any do exist (except sometimes in the inexperienced imagination).

 

[anruari]

1. what you describe does not sound like a real danger point. though it is possible for it to become one in the future.
2. how much more lucky would you be to have a wife who is in love with God, than to have someone who just don’t want to know (whether baptised or not).
3. Faith in God, and Faithfulness to Him is what is important in our relationship with him… not some sense of “Religious Fulfilment”
4. You sound like you are both on your own Journeys to know God Better.
   What is important is that if you are discerning Marriage, that you both come to a proper understanding of what Christian Marriage is. How it differs from what Hollywood and your peers believe it is, and know that you can both commit to it - to each other - for the rest of your lives.
5. you as a bread-winner do not have the time to spend hours in study of the scriptures, and the history of the Church. Your girlfriend my well be being prepared for some important ministry outside of the home - from something as simple as teaching catechises in the parish at RCIA and children’s preparation for the sacraments, to possibly something more “grand” looking. Every parish needs people to have this knowledge and to teach it to both adults and children.

So Ask yourself:
Is this woman someone who I could Love Honour and Serve every day for the rest of my life?
Would I want to live without her?
Can I ask God to help me to swear an unbreakable oath to be faithful to her, - even more than I am (in truth) to Him… (We all know that our faithfulness to The Lord leaves a Lot to be desired…)… In front of my family and hers, and all our friends.
Can I commit to strive and struggle, every day, for the rest of my life to try to make Her feel like the Luckiest woman alive.

She loves God… or at least she loves studying about him.
Does she want to enter into a truly Christian marriage? Does she see that as a Vocation with as much dignity as the Priesthood?
Does she earnestly desire to cooperate with God in creation… by procreating … by bringing new children into this world and raising them as Christians?
Does she want to Love Honour and Obey you as St. Paul instructs all wives to do?
Will she expect you lay down your life for her? Will she expect you to be willing to die for her?

Are you both willing to become one with each-other in mind and flesh? (that means not the same, but having different functions to strive to a common vision and goal.)

The following is My interpretation on the bibles teaching of Headship / submissiveness of husbands and wives:
Think of the role of the Captain and 1st Mate (1st Officer) on a ship. easy examples from popular culture are from Star Trek… Piccard and Ryker, or Kirk and Spock…

The captain is the Head. The 1st Officer is subordinate to Him, and serves Him… but it is not subservience. The 2 are of equal dignity, with distinctly different and vitally important roles to play. The 1st officer is free and welcome to advise and even to rebuke the captain. the Captain will seek the advice of the 1st officer on a regular basis and depend on that person for support…
But at the end of the day the Captain has the responsibility, and will make the final decisions.

This is not a relationship of Dominance and subservience. It is one of different jobs which are equal in dignity, in a situation that requires a hierarchy of command.

 

[Giggly_Giraffe]

John Paul II (we luv u) says the measure of love is this, the amount of responsibility one takes for the beloved is the measure of love. *A husband takes responsibility for his wife, for children; protects & provides. *A wife takes responsibility for her husband, her children; nurtures & supports. *God takes responsibility for us. *He created us. *Fell in love with us. *Called us to love as he loves. *When he turned away he came to suffer & die for us & to redeem us. *He continues this work of redemption; this work of love everyday in the Eucharist and the Holy Sacrifice of the Mass. Celebrated from the rise of the sun to it’s setting. *He is here right now for us in the Eucharist in all the tabernacles of the world. *He will be here for us until the end of time. *Goto adoration and silence your mind to hear how you can take responsability for this woman.

 

[Used2beSherryG]

She takes her faith very seriously as do you. that is a huge plus for your marriage. Think of how seriously she will take the marriage vows. It sounds like that is in her nature. You will be the luckiest man alive to be yoked with a woman who gives her all to her commitments. Just as she honors God and her faith, she will honor you as her husband and partner for life. By all means discuss your fears with her about your different approaches to the faith and how that might impact your lives. Using vacation time as a perfect example would be a good way to start the conversation.
Don’t worry and project your way out of a perfectly harmonious relationship over possible scenarios without at the very least giving this matter full discussion with your intended.

As an example: My husband is not Catholic, but honors my commitment to the Catholic faith and reverence for God and doing His will. We go on vacations to such wonderful places and enjoy scuba diving, walking on the beach, watching the sunsets and sunrises, but he helps me find a nearby Catholic Church and is content to stand by, go for a beach walk, or sleep in a bit while I attend Mass each early a.m. He loves me completely and I feel the same way about him. I have forgone a Mass or two (never missing my obligation) to join him in activities as needed. Jesus also wants me to honor my commitment to my marriage. I’m just sayin’…

 

[Armor_of_Light]

I wish catholics only had these kinds of problems…

You guys sound just right to me…A great mix.

Congratulations!

 

[ProdglArchitect]

I wish catholics only had these kinds of problems…

You guys sound just right to me…A great mix.

Congratulations!

Seconded. And who knows, maybe her zealous interest will creep over and increase your interest in that faith… not that you’re lacking at all. Your exercise of faith puts me to shame.

 

[ThyKingdomCome]

The thing is, you take your faith seriously, you seek the grace of the sacraments far more than the Church requires of you, and you admire the virtue that she exhibits by going beyond even that. So you have a divergence in interests? No big deal. Most couples don’t have all the same interests. You read the books you like, and she can read the books she likes. She can start a book club, or find an online discussion if she wants more in depth conversation about theology than interests you. Of course, discuss this with her. But I would think that this is not a big deal. Someday if you marry and have children, you will both be very busy, and those will be little details compared to the big issues that you seem to agree on.

My dh and I are like that. I am more theologically inclined than he is, and while I think he has room for growth, he does not have the same sense of “I’m not doing enough” that I have (I don’t go to Mass or confession as often as I’d like). I like to talk more academically, and in more depth about the faith than he does. It’s a combination of personalities, interests, and our place in our faith journey. But he is a good Catholic, who cares about the faith, and is supportive of my attempts to teach our children the faith better than he would be able to do. One of the things that attracted him to me was that I was a thinker. And now that he often loses interest in academic/theological discussions before I do, it is only a little frustrating and only now and then. I am teaching my children, and talk to them about it. I can talk about that stuff with my friends, or at a forum like this, etc…

That said, he is virtuous in other ways, and there are many times that I’ve said that he will get to heaven easier than I will, because for all of my “theological advancement,” he is better at the daily sacrifice that is required of a husband and father. And while he doesn’t go to Mass or confession as often as I do, and doesn’t find interest in a book study, he lives his vocation excellently. In fact, while I would say that we are unequally yoked theologically (with me being the more spiritual), we are definitely unequally yoked in other matters of virtue - the other way around. It can balance out.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

My girlfriend loves to share her knowledge and I learn a lot from her, but I’m usually somewhat lost by her references to treatises from 400 years ago. That doesn’t make me feel stupid, but it does make me wonder if some day she’ll feel unfulfilled by our conversations or that I won’t be “Catholic enough” for her. I’ve suggested that she could become a theologian but she doesn’t want to go back to school. All signs point to me, with a career that is a lot more profitable (and demanding) than hers, becoming the breadwinner in a marriage.

Honestly, some days I just want to walk away and find someone with a similar approach to faith. I feel so blessed to have found this woman but sometimes I think she’ll want to use vacation time for a pilgrimage and I’ll want to go to Aruba instead.** I’ve seen wives so involved with the parish that their husbands feel literally abandoned. That scares me because I’ve seen the good men caught in those situations and the anguish it can cause. There is such a thing as too much of a good thing and sometimes I doubt whether my girlfriend knows where that line is. I’m really afraid of signing up for a lifetime commitment and then being a permanent backup plan.
**
I feel like the honest thing to do is break up and let each of us find better matches. The hardest part is that we have a great relationship now and my doubts are about the future.

I’m on vacation and I keep thinking I need to make a decision before I go back home next week.

I don’t think you should make a decision without talking to her about the whole subject. Has she ever expressed any idea that you are not “Catholic enough” for her? She is on fire with zeal and intellectual interest, but she is also still a single Catholic woman. If and when you join your lives together, she becomes one flesh with you, and you will have children (hopefully) from that union. Her life will not be centered on going to retreats at that point! I can guarantee that!

Was she a convert or a revert? Has she ever considered a vocation? These are questions that you two should discuss together. Don’t make a decision on your own without giving her the consideration of bringing up your concerns. Is there some other factor that is giving you pause? It almost sounds as if you are searching for a way out.

 

[MarisaJean]

First let me say she sounds like a lovely woman. It also sounds greatthat you two share the same faith. Everything everyone has posted is true down to the fact that she would be the most devoted wife a man could ask for. But I do see your hesitation. Is it too much for you at this point in your life? You also need to ask yourself can you give her all she needs in return? As much as you two sound like you are on the same page I can see what you are saying. I too have been in this situation and it is very difficult. All I can say is God works in ways that we cannot even comprehend at this moment. Take it one day at a time, pray on it and eventually the answers will come to you. Either way you will both end up exactly where God wants you to be. I wish you all the best of luck…you sound like an amazing man!

 

[EasterJoy]

…My girlfriend loves to share her knowledge and I learn a lot from her, but I’m usually somewhat lost by her references to treatises from 400 years ago. That doesn’t make me feel stupid, but it does make me wonder if some day she’ll feel unfulfilled by our conversations or that I won’t be “Catholic enough” for her. I’ve suggested that she could become a theologian but she doesn’t want to go back to school. All signs point to me, with a career that is a lot more profitable (and demanding) than hers, becoming the breadwinner in a marriage.

Honestly, some days I just want to walk away and find someone with a similar approach to faith. I feel so blessed to have found this woman but sometimes I think she’ll want to use vacation time for a pilgrimage and I’ll want to go to Aruba instead. I’ve seen wives so involved with the parish that their husbands feel literally abandoned. That scares me because I’ve seen the good men caught in those situations and the anguish it can cause…

My friend, I say this as someone who makes references to documents that no one in the world ever reads, we are people who don’t expect and may not necessarily even want to marry someone who reads all the same things we do. To be blunt, my non-Catholic husband had virtues that no one else I had met ever had, not even the guys who read all the documents. You never know which gem is going to catch your eye. He’s a prince, that is all I cared about. He is very supportive of how I live my faith, I realize that I’m a married woman who has to be concerned with pleasing her husband as part of my vocation, and it works fine. If I find someone willing to let me bore them with facts I’ve picked up along the way, I am thankful for that. Listening is a gift.

I know ladies who attend Mass every day, and the ones with husbands who ever get to daily Mass or who go to confession on anything like a regular basis feel very good about that. Sure, some of them also have husbands who find the time to do as much as they do, but the vast majority find that even their Catholic husbands do a lot less. The guys on pastoral counsel and who run the Knights of Columbus and everything else in the parish barely ever do more than you do, not until they’re retired.

When St. Paul talked about all the charisms the Holy Spirit gives for the sake of the Church, you’ll notice that mind-reading wasn’t one of them. If you are going to be happily married or even if you hope to get along in a religious community, you are going to need to learn to communicate instead of just making assumptions or trying to read minds.

Talk to your girlfriend about what her expectations for you are. If she sees you as a “fixer upper”, then yes, let her keep looking…and good luck to her. If she thinks that she is going to be just as free to spend her time at the parish on whatever she wants after the wedding as she was when she was single, you need to sit down and talk to her about that, with your pastor, if necessary. I would expect, though, that she is quite happy with the way you are and fully expects that marriage includes compromises. I think she might be very happy to go to Aruba, if she gets to go with you and you make enough money to make such a trip possible. Yes, sometimes she may want to go on retreat, too, but she may prefer going alone. I do! (I have gone to the local monastery in mid-week, while my husband heroically took on getting the kids to and from school, bless his heart!)

IOW, don’t leap to conclusions until you have talked to her. If she is willing to take you as you are, I think you will do well to take her as she is. In terms of your level of commitment to the faith, your match seems like ones I know that have worked out very well, indeed.

Oh, and if you have a conversation and she gets all upset and there are tears and it seems to have gone horribly, don’t think all is lost. Young people who are very religious are still young people, and the chance that one or both of you are going to see catastrophe where there is no catastrophe is not unrealistic. If chaos breaks out, dare to take a healthy dose of “wait and see.” I think you will have given yourself a good night’s sleep when sleeplessness wasn’t warranted in retrospect. Whether you wind up married to each other or not, it will all work out. Dare to be serene about that.

 

[hurting]

Some very good advice here for the OP.

While it is very mature on the part of the OP to recognize that his girlfriend’s passion for her faith overwhems him a bit, this is in fact a feature, not a flaw.

No marriage is ever going to be perfect, but I would urge the OP to exercise extreme caution in turning away from this one. There a great many putatively Catholic women whose literary interests tend toward 50 Shades of Grey. He is blessed to have found a true Catholic attuned to the Church’s teachings.

His description of their current and potentially future relationship does not denote or even connote an unequal yoking. They do not, based on the information provided, believe different things; indeed, they both appear to believe the ‘right’ things by the OP’s own admission. Unequal yoking refers to a believer and a non-believer - there are none of the latter in the OP’s situation.

 

[hannajomar]

This somewhat describes my husband and me. I’m the academic one, he’s the one who is more laid back. It works for us, and I would say it even balances us as a couple. I know he balances me. In real life situations, I will sometimes complicate things by thinking too much about what an obscure saint said about a particular situation. He’ll say, “I think you just need to forgive that person.” Problem solved. He goes to a few more Church events than he did before, and I go to a few less.

I never thought much about this difference before we were married, and I had to grow to realize that he doesn’t want to spend every spare minute at Church. I came home from daily Mass one day and told him, “I’m becoming an EMHC, and I told the pastor you would become a lector. Here’s the date of our training.” I realize now that I was out of line by volunteering him without his permission, but he says now that he’s glad I pushed him a little. I’ve learned to not volunteer him for things any more.

We have friends who are a married couple. The husband is the more academic one, the wife is more down-to-earth. I’ve noticed more than once at social functions that we’ve switched partners for a few minutes. The other husband and I will be talking about something theological and lofty. My husband and the other wife will be talking about sports scores. I know the people in my life that I can chat theology with, and he knows the people who are as excited as him about sports.

Have you spoken to her about this? I could see how this could grow into a problem. But I would recommend having a good conversation with her before throwing in the towel. I hope you update us on what you decide.

 

[Contra_Mundum_1]

If this is the biggest problem you two have, then you are very lucky people. But I have to ask you if this is only your concern, and not hers? Many (most?) men feel intimidated by women who are academic, well read and intelligent. Such men don’t like feeling like they are ‘below’ the woman they are with. I wonder if this has something to do with your feelings - insecurity. But one thing is certain: if you get married and have children I very much doubt that she will have the time to pursue her interests like she does now. The same will apply to you. And that is not a bad thing: we have to learn how to priorities, depending on our circumstances and vocation in life. My advice is that for a start you two have a good chat about this and see where you stand.

 

[MichiganMack]

Thanks for the responses everyone. I am planning to have a conversation with her in a few days when I get back from vacation. I know that there is a possibility that won’t react well. I think she knows she’s overextended and it is pushing me away. Whether she knows that it has been hurtful or is jeopardizing our relationship is another matter. We’ll know when we talk. This might be a result of one trait she has… being blissfully oblivious at times.

I do fear jumping into a marriage with someone *hoping *that she will make our relationship a bigger priority than her volunteer work. Our conversation should be a starting point for her clarifying her priorities.

Many (most?) men feel intimidated by women who are academic, well read and intelligent. Such men don’t like feeling like they are ‘below’ the woman they are with. I wonder if this has something to do with your feelings - insecurity.

I see what you’re trying to say, but the vast majority of men I know are not intimidated by smart women (although many women I know firmly believe this). I’ve known several working class men who have worked extra hours to help put their wives through graduate school.

Maybe this is a generational thing, but for guys I know, we neither see advanced academic achievement as a plus or minus in a mate. Especially among Catholic men who are looking for character in a woman, educational *credentials *and occupation are almost non-factors when choosing who to date over the long haul. I think what many men find unattractive is women who have a sense of entitlement because of their education. It’s not a card that will get them anywhere, but it’s very annoying when it’s played. Some women chalk it up to men being “insecure” when really we just fail to see how a masters in accounting should have any bearing on a personal relationship. For whatever reason, I’ve found that women feel a need to talk about their educational/work achievements a lot more than men… maybe because that’s what feminists have told them matter most in life. My $.02.

I’m lucky to have a very smart girlfriend who gets that I’m dating her for her intelligence (and a slew of other reasons) but also understands that we’re not in a competition. She could get three doctorates and I wouldn’t care for her any more or less. I will support her in almost anything she does. What I’m trying to work out is whether we can support each other’s visions of the future. After all, we would become one body if married. It wouldn’t be fair for either of us to continue forward without knowing how our faith plans would be compatible.

 

[anruari]

Many (most?) men feel intimidated by women who are academic, well read and intelligent. Such men don’t like feeling like they are ‘below’ the woman they are with. I wonder if this has something to do with your feelings - insecurity. .

I’ll acknowledge that this is a common stereotype of “Men” particularly the less “Women’s Lib” type… However
Here’s one man who will openly admit that my wife is undoubtedly more intelligent than I am.
She on the other hand does have quite a strong level on insecurity, as she missed the opportunities to attain a 3rd level education, ( I did get one, and now work in the field I trained for). Her family background is one that would be considered more “Working Class” compared to my parents “Middle Class” background.

The truth is that I love my wife for who she is. I cannot imagine any other person being able to have the relationship with me that she does. - She is Unique, Precious, and totally irreplaceable. Facts that I often have to remind her of. We “Get” each-other in ways that no-one else does.

 

[Debora123]

Thanks for the responses everyone. I am planning to have a conversation with her in a few days when I get back from vacation. I know that there is a possibility that won’t react well. I think she knows she’s overextended and it is pushing me away. Whether she knows that it has been hurtful or is jeopardizing our relationship is another matter. We’ll know when we talk. This might be a result of one trait she has… being blissfully oblivious at times.

I do fear jumping into a marriage with someone *hoping *that she will make our relationship a bigger priority than her volunteer work. Our conversation should be a starting point for her clarifying her priorities.

I see what you’re trying to say, but the vast majority of men I know are not intimidated by smart women (although many women I know firmly believe this). I’ve known several working class men who have worked extra hours to help put their wives through graduate school.

Maybe this is a generational thing, but for guys I know, we neither see advanced academic achievement as a plus or minus in a mate. Especially among Catholic men who are looking for character in a woman, educational *credentials *and occupation are almost non-factors when choosing who to date over the long haul. I think what many men find unattractive is women who have a sense of entitlement because of their education. It’s not a card that will get them anywhere, but it’s very annoying when it’s played. Some women chalk it up to men being “insecure” when really we just fail to see how a masters in accounting should have any bearing on a personal relationship. For whatever reason, I’ve found that women feel a need to talk about their educational/work achievements a lot more than men… maybe because that’s what feminists have told them matter most in life. My $.02.

I’m lucky to have a very smart girlfriend who gets that I’m dating her for her intelligence (and a slew of other reasons) but also understands that we’re not in a competition. She could get three doctorates and I wouldn’t care for her any more or less. I will support her in almost anything she does. What I’m trying to work out is whether we can support each other’s visions of the future. After all, we would become one body if married. It wouldn’t be fair for either of us to continue forward without knowing how our faith plans would be compatible.

Forgive me if I’m wrong, but this whole thread just isn’t adding up and it feels like perhaps you’re subconsciously using this religion things as an excuse to break it off with her…

Are you perhaps just not really feeling the chemistry/interest anymore? And using this as a way to justify breaking up?

 

[Luvz2travel]

I’m dating an awesome lady and have been for about 6 months. although I’ve known her for a year. I’ve dated a lot of women and this one could be a keeper. We’re both in our mid-20s with good jobs and similar interests. We met at a church retreat near our Midwest city and we just clicked.

My girlfriend is an amazing woman and her faith is one of the top reasons I say that. She believes, for the right reasons. She is faithful while still being fun. A good mix of sass and holiness.

The biggest difference we have is in how we pursue our faith. I go to mass twice a week and pray a few times a day. If time permits, I’ll join a parish course or bible study. I go to confession about twice a month. I love my parish and will help out whenever they need it. I need a retreat a couple times a year. I tend to take my faith at face value, having struggled with it growing up. That’s about my involvement in the church and it’s enough to make me fulfilled.

My girlfriend goes to mass six times a week, confession weekly, attends retreats about once a month, and goes to any and every parish event she can attend. Still, we spend plenty of time together. She reads a lot of books and blogs on our faith. Her interest is almost at an academic level and I know she loves to ask the “why” far more than I do.

This difference hasn’t been a big deal, but I’m afraid it might become one. I know myself and I know that I don’t want to read long books about the saints or Marian devotions. I really could care less about the Catholic blog chatter and the latest thing in theological controversy. I’m more of a top-level, bottom-line kind of person. I follow the Catechism and believe deeply in a life of obedience and prayer. I try to learn more about my faith as I go but I’m not a scholar of it and don’t intend to be one. My faith is the one area of my life where I’m not a skeptic.

My girlfriend loves to share her knowledge and I learn a lot from her, but I’m usually somewhat lost by her references to treatises from 400 years ago. That doesn’t make me feel stupid, but it does make me wonder if some day she’ll feel unfulfilled by our conversations or that I won’t be “Catholic enough” for her. I’ve suggested that she could become a theologian but she doesn’t want to go back to school. All signs point to me, with a career that is a lot more profitable (and demanding) than hers, becoming the breadwinner in a marriage.

Honestly, some days I just want to walk away and find someone with a similar approach to faith. I feel so blessed to have found this woman but sometimes I think she’ll want to use vacation time for a pilgrimage and I’ll want to go to Aruba instead. I’ve seen wives so involved with the parish that their husbands feel literally abandoned. That scares me because I’ve seen the good men caught in those situations and the anguish it can cause. There is such a thing as too much of a good thing and sometimes I doubt whether my girlfriend knows where that line is. I’m really afraid of signing up for a lifetime commitment and then being a permanent backup plan.

I feel like the honest thing to do is break up and let each of us find better matches. The hardest part is that we have a great relationship now and my doubts are about the future.

I’m on vacation and I keep thinking I need to make a decision before I go back home next week.

I think for lack of better terminalogy that your overthinking this whole thing. You love you’re girlfriend right…you both love and respect GOD…that should be all that’s important. As long as you both have the same values and beliefs. It she chooses to worship a little different than you that’s just the way she feels GOD calling her. Maybe your path is the same just a little different but you both end up at the same distination.