Escape

[ZDHayden]

Hello all.

I want to give a bit of background.

The only Catholic in my family, I have a hard time explaining my faith and practices within my faith to my family (especially to my mother, who sometimes seems to refuse to listen to anything that contradicts her opinion - perhaps I’m just not explaining well enough). I am a Philosophy and Latin major at the local university. I go every 2-3 weeks to a Spiritual Director, the only one in my town. This Spiritual Director and I, while both converts, are on the opposite ends of the spectrum: she is very modernist and liberal and does not understand the appeal of the Latin; I am very conservative and traditional and, while I understand the appeal (and need) of the vulgar languages (there are no TLMs for hours - the closest one is on the very edge of the diocesan border, well out of reach), I very much prefer the Latin (whenever I can, I watch a TLM or listen to Gregorian chant online). In fact, I have felt much closer to God since starting to learn Latin, and the Rosary is much more real for me when prayed in Latin. This same Spiritual Director has stated that I am very scrupulous and impersonal in my relationship with God (I am Thomistic with strong Augustinian influences in spirituality). As for scrupulosity, I want to serve God as perfectly as I can - I had rejected and fought against Him for years and am looking forward to this first Lent as a Catholic in order to do penance on behalf of all those who still fight like I did. My Spiritual Director seems to think that, since I do not view God as ‘friend,’ my relationship is impersonal. I view the Father as Master, King, Creator. Christ as Lamb, Teacher, Guardian. Holy Spirit as Guide, Pillar of Fire and Cloud. I cannot stand to touch the Host with my hands - I am no ordained priest. To hold Jesus in my hands, with nothing between us - who am I to do so?

To the point: there are many times when I just feel like escaping the world. Not suicide, no. I mean taking my Bible, my rosary and, sitting before our Lord, to pray. I have a strong desire to go to Mass daily, but the only Mass that I was able to attend on a regular basis (6:30 am) due to my schedule was recently cancelled indefinitely. The only academic work I enjoy studying is Latin and Philosophy (and am starting to have a growing devotion to Sts. Jerome and Thomas Aquinas because of it!), because they bring me closer to God. A bit more specific: studying Latin seems to be becoming a mode of prayer in and of itself for me. Working through a problem in philosophy is like a hymn of praise. All else academically is drudgery. The highlight of my week is Confession and Mass. I feel my relationship with my girlfriend is suffering because, when we are together, pulls me away from Christ. The more I imagine my future, the more I can imagine myself a priest. I want to escape the chaos of the world and just work things out in prayer; to converse with Christ until I know.

Sorry if this is rambling (what ‘if’? The entire point of this is to ramble and hope someone helps). Any advice or reactions would be nice. Thank you. (Sorry if this is hard to read, I seem to lose the ability to space and separate paragraphs on forums )

 

[pkdsquared]

Well, I definitely can’t help you, but I think I can kind of understand you. I am not a convert, but rather a revert and I tend toward scrupulosity and tradition. I was such a rebel, trying to wrench myself away from God in every possible manner, that now that I am back, I want to throw myself back into every old rule there was and really just experience the Mass the way it was meant to be. I have never been to a TLM (the only one here is a SSPX church and I have been advised that while I can’t receive communion-- I’m in an invalid marriage-- I still should not attend), but I long to go to one-- to hear the chants and the prayers and all the incense and solemn worship free of clapping and guitars. I studied History and Religious Studies (philosophy department, at least) in college, and I loved every minute of it.
When I was young, before I shunned all idea of organized religion. I wanted to be a nun. I’m married now, so it’s obviously not an option (and I am going to have my marriage regularized in the Church, so REALLY not an option), but I find I think about it a lot. I had 3 great-great aunts who were sisters and I often think how they must have been so HAPPY. All that time to read and pray and learn and teach and travel and just BE CATHOLIC. Sounds so heavenly.
So yeah, I’m sure there are a lot of other young people who can identify. I think it’s a product of our generation-- many of us were brought up without any real religion, more like cafeteria spirituality where we should be good people according to our own ideas of “good.” Not to mention an emphasis on needing to grow up fast, but being coddled and rendered almost unable to do so. Too much freedom and not enough rules. No wonder we want to escape to somewhere with rigid structure. To us, the structure IS freedom.

Pray about it. Listen. Maybe you’re being called to something.

 

[FCEGM]

ZD - while your present spiritual director thinks you are scrupulous, it just may be that her differences with you color her understanding of your approach to God. If you are joyful and not fearful about your religious practices true piety might be the better description. Pending your circumstances, you might consider taking some time for at least a week’s retreat at a monastery where you would have both the time with the Lord you are seeking as well as some spiritual direction from another perspective.

 

[Angel7]

I struggled with Scrupulousity and it was NOT FUN AT ALL.

Imagine it as a mental (and maybe spiritual) minefield.

If you are developing scrupulousity PLEASE do all you can to get away from it.

My parents sent me to a Psychiatrist and Psychologist. ( Turns out, I have OCD and maybe depression).

Then I can sort of relate to the pull towards The Priesthood, but also being attracted by Marriage and the idea of dating.

I think it would be a great idea to think hard about your vocation, Let Christ Our Lord guide you, and help you. Let Him lead you.

Also, Your understandings of Our Lord, I want to add to them. I pray and hope they are in Catholic teaching (I am no theologian).

" I view the Father as Master, King, Creator. Christ as Lamb, Teacher, Guardian. Holy Spirit as Guide, Pillar of Fire and Cloud." (These are your words)

Remember that The Father is also your Father! I have heard that the word “Abba”, meaning father, is closer to our word of “Daddy”. Can anyone else check if I am correct on this? I remember hearing it from A Priest i think, maybe during Mass.

And Jesus Our Lord, I have heard is also our Best Friend, and Elder Brother!
Again is anyone else able to check if what I am saying is true? (I’m not a theologian remember)

And Finally, The Holy Spirit Is also our Helper! (Sadly I have little understanding about The Holy Spirit)

(again, im not a theologian, these are simply words which I can recall. It would be very helpful for ZDHayden (and ME ) if someone could check if what I have said is true to Catholic Teaching.)

 

[reveal]

I do believe you are being “called”. Listen.

 

[puzzleannie]

Hello I go every 2-3 weeks to a Spiritual Director, the only one in my town. This Spiritual Director and I, while both converts, are on the opposite ends of the spectrum: she is very modernist and liberal and does not understand the appeal of the Latin;
. . .
This same Spiritual Director has stated that I am very scrupulous and impersonal in my relationship with God (. )

her views aside, if she is helping you deal with scrupulosity it is important to listen to her advice. even better is to find one good priest for confession, stick with him, do not review your confessions with third parties, and ask him to recommend a spiritual director if you need one. If you seek out a director who simply reinforces your own views that will not be very helpful. Nor obviously will a director who speaks out against church teaching be good, but you do not say this is the case. There is very grave danger, and the biggest assault to humility, the premier virtue required for spiritual growth, in resisting spiritual direction. She may very well help you discern of your conversion, at least at this stage, has more to do with love of latin, chant, tradition etc, than it does love of the Lord. Stick with her unless and until she leads you away from the true Faith.