Escaping psychological abuse

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ChantelMarie

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Four years ago, I met and started dating a man. In hindsight, his abusive nature started to show itself within our first couple of dates. He was quick to anger, very controlling, very needy, and very selfish. We dated for 10 months before parting ways. A few months later, we reconnected as platonic friends, and had a friendship on and off until a few months ago when he leaned on me through a difficult time in his life. As we spent more time together, I started to feel myself fall for him again in a romantic way. And we started to date again. I had convinced myself that he had changed and that I had changed, but of course, once we were again romantic, he started up in his old ways. I left him on Holy Thursday, but shortly after Easter, I brough him to mass with me, hoping that we could regain our friendship, and maybe that he would convert and find peace. I blocked his number tonight because he threatened me after I told him I was worried that his depression was getting out of hand.
I know that he was abusive. I know that he should not be in my life. But, I also know that he has a very sweet and charming side, and that it has in the past been hard for me to refuse his friendship after he apologizes. I know that blocking his number is the first step in distancing myself, but I feel like I need more help. What more can I do?
 
ChantelMarie said:
Four years ago, I met and started dating a man. In hindsight, his abusive nature started to show itself within our first couple of dates. He was quick to anger, very controlling, very needy, and very selfish. We dated for 10 months before parting ways. A few months later, we reconnected as platonic friends, and had a friendship on and off until a few months ago when he leaned on me through a difficult time in his life. As we spent more time together, I started to feel myself fall for him again in a romantic way. And we started to date again. I had convinced myself that he had changed and that I had changed, but of course, once we were again romantic, he started up in his old ways. I left him on Holy Thursday, but shortly after Easter, I brough him to mass with me, hoping that we could regain our friendship, and maybe that he would convert and find peace. I blocked his number tonight because he threatened me after I told him I was worried that his depression was getting out of hand.
I know that he was abusive. I know that he should not be in my life. But, I also know that he has a very sweet and charming side, and that it has in the past been hard for me to refuse his friendship after he apologizes. I know that blocking his number is the first step in distancing myself, but I feel like I need more help. What more can I do?
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Read “Why Does He Do That?” and get an accountability person (either therapist, spiritual director or just friend) for not seeing him.

Another book that might be helpful is “The Wizard of Oz and Other Narcissists.” I’m about a third of the way into it, and I think it will give you some help in developing a little more distance about his attractive qualities.

Also, find some alternate stuff to do (more work or a hobby or new social stuff) and do it and make sure there isn’t a big hole in your schedule for him to fit.

Good luck!
 
Time to close the book on the relationship. Then work on why you pick this type of man to engage with.

Good luck in your journey.
 
You need to cut that relationship. He is not going to change and things will only get worst. So please stop seeing this man. Second you need professional counseling. Unfortunately most women victims of abuse do tend to act like you and they tend to always go back to their abusers. This is mostly because the abuser has destroyed the women’s self esteem to such a degree that she starts to believe subconsciously that she deserves to be treated like that hence that is why is so difficult to get women victims of domestic violence to leave their abuser. Please seek professional counseling and start reading regarding abuse in relationships. Do not become another statistic.
 
I echo what the above posters have said.

Please please please take their advice seriously. I promise you it is sound.

:hug1:

Prayers for you.
 
ChurchSoldier said:
Time to close the book on the relationship. Then work on why you pick this type of man to engage with.

Good luck in your journey.
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I agree with this. You are responsible for your choices, not his. The fact that that in the four years you have known him he has not really changed is a red flag about him. The fact that you are still letting the good blind you to the abuse is a red flag about you.

I think a support system such as a therapist would be beneficial to you so you do not repeat this again and again.
 
Thank you all for your replies. I have always felt pity for women who stay with or go back to men who cheat or are physically abusive, not recognizing that I have a pretty solid track record of dating narcissistic and emotionally abusive men.

I feel really stupid for allowing myself to be treated so badly and for justifying his actions. I did have one friend brave enough to flat out tell me that I was being abused and she could not understand why I would allow it. And I am so blessed and grateful to have her.

I lived in constant fear of upsetting this man. If he called me and he sensed that he wasn’t getting my undivided attention(say, I was cooking dinner or folding laundry while on the phone with him), he would berate me, call me unsupportive, and uncaring.
If we went out to dinner and we had a male waiter, he would question wether or not I thought he was handsome. If I said no, he would call me a liar and if I said “he’s ok”, which is the most flattery I would dare to give, he would try and leave the dinner saying that I am unfaithful and accusing me of having a wandering eye. Heaven forbid I would meet up with one of my girl friends, he would question what we talked about, did we talk to anyone else, did anyone try and hit on me, did I have anything to drink… After recently experiencing a ruptured cyst, he told me that I had made bad decisions, that it was my fault that it happened, and refused to drive me to the ER, so I had to drive myself. I have dozens of stories like those, and it’s humiliating admitting that I allowed it to happen.

I just ordered the two suggested books, Why does he do that, and The Wizard of Oz and other narcissists, along with a third book that Amazon suggested, Psychopath free: recovering from emotionally abusive relationships. I will also make an appointment to speak with my priest.
 
ChantelMarie said:
I have a pretty solid track record of dating narcissistic and emotionally abusive men.

I just ordered the two suggested books, Why does he do that, and The Wizard of Oz and other narcissists, along with a third book that Amazon suggested, Psychopath free: recovering from emotionally abusive relationships. I will also make an appointment to speak with my priest.
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That’s a great start!

Remember what Dr. Phil says… The first step is admitting you have a problem. May God bless you and guide you.
 
Just to clarify, he was not abusive at all for the last three years, when we were simply friends. Which is what led me to believe that he had changed. But the shift in our relationship put him right back into that space of trying to control me. That happened two months ago, and the incidences started out subtle.
I know I need help because I miss our friendship, but I know i don’t need anyone like that in my life.
 
ChantelMarie said:
Thank you all for your replies. I have always felt pity for women who stay with or go back to men who cheat or are physically abusive, not recognizing that I have a pretty solid track record of dating narcissistic and emotionally abusive men.

I feel really stupid for allowing myself to be treated so badly and for justifying his actions. I did have one friend brave enough to flat out tell me that I was being abused and she could not understand why I would allow it. And I am so blessed and grateful to have her.

I lived in constant fear of upsetting this man. If he called me and he sensed that he wasn’t getting my undivided attention(say, I was cooking dinner or folding laundry while on the phone with him), he would berate me, call me unsupportive, and uncaring.
If we went out to dinner and we had a male waiter, he would question wether or not I thought he was handsome. If I said no, he would call me a liar and if I said “he’s ok”, which is the most flattery I would dare to give, he would try and leave the dinner saying that I am unfaithful and accusing me of having a wandering eye. Heaven forbid I would meet up with one of my girl friends, he would question what we talked about, did we talk to anyone else, did anyone try and hit on me, did I have anything to drink… After recently experiencing a ruptured cyst, he told me that I had made bad decisions, that it was my fault that it happened, and refused to drive me to the ER, so I had to drive myself. I have dozens of stories like those, and it’s humiliating admitting that I allowed it to happen.

I just ordered the two suggested books, Why does he do that, and The Wizard of Oz and other narcissists, along with a third book that Amazon suggested, Psychopath free: recovering from emotionally abusive relationships. I will also make an appointment to speak with my priest.
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Very good!

I think one thing that will be helpful in those books is realizing, he is not focusing on me because I am so very special and our love is so very special, he is focusing on me because he thinks I’m a sucker and because he wants to get things from me.

It’s important to be able to stop thinking in terms of “this is the 21st century’s greatest love story!” to something more like “I’ve got an emotional remora stuck to me.”

Good luck!
 
ChantelMarie said:
I lived in constant fear …
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Those five words, I think, are the key to the whole story. Nobody should ever be required to live in constant fear. There is nothing that could make that sacrifice worth your while.
 
marymary1975 said:
You need to cut that relationship. He is not going to change and things will only get worst. So please stop seeing this man. Second you need professional counseling. Unfortunately most women victims of abuse do tend to act like you and they tend to always go back to their abusers. This is mostly because the abuser has destroyed the women’s self esteem to such a degree that she starts to believe subconsciously that she deserves to be treated like that hence that is why is so difficult to get women victims of domestic violence to leave their abuser. Please seek professional counseling and start reading regarding abuse in relationships. Do not become another statistic.
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I agree with this poster. He will not change and the abuse will get worse.
 
BartholomewB said:
Those five words, I think, are the key to the whole story. Noboof should ever be required to live in constant fear. There is nothing that could make that sacrifice worth your while.
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Exactly this! no one deserves to live in fear. And fear is what drives this kind of relationship. He is attracted to you because he knows you are in fear of him. He will be constantly trying to go back with you under any excuse because what drives him to you is that he knows he can control you and you are in fear. You must break that cycle.

As to him being good while you and him were friends, that is another typical carachteristic of abusers. They can be the most charming people in the world. Many abusers tend to be the nicest guy during a period of time to make sure they have your total trust and then out of the blue the claws come out. Don’t be fooled by the period of “being nice” because he is not being nice. He is waiting for you to fall to then take the claws out

And please don’t say that you are stupid. You are a victim that has been manipulated by someone else to make you feel that you are not worthy. You can get out of this. You just need the proper help. Please schedule an appointment with the priest and most importantly with a counselor specialized in domestic violence/abuse situations. Finally do not attempt to enter into any relationship until after you have had therapy with a counselor as most likely if you attempt to start a relationship with someone else you will probably be attracted to another abuser.
 
I don’t think I am stupid, I just feel humiliated attmitting that I fell for that kind of abuse. I think a lot of staying in it is trying not to admit that you let it happen to you in the first place.

This last one has been much worse than any of the others, but almost every boyfriend I have ever has these same two sides. They are very sweet, charming, and likable in their public persona. These are all men whose family, friends, clients and aquintences would say were “the nicest guy ever.” But, then they have these Jekel and Hyde personalities where as soon as you get close to them they get angry, talk down to you, and take out all of their aggressions on you that they pent up from being fake all day.

On another note, please pray for me, for wisdom to know what to do. And, for my ex’s mother, for she is very ill. My ex just contacted me on FB asking if I would unblock him so he can keep me updated about his mom, who was just admitted to the icu. She has been ill, and I do believe him that she is there. I love his mom and his sisters and his daughter, and I would feel like I was betraying all of them if I didn’t go visit her. I had offered to have my priest give her last rights or annointing of the sick the last time she was admitted to the hospital. So, I do feel the need to at least uphold that request. And he asked that I unblock him so that he can let me know when it is appropriate to send my priest. She was baptized Catholic, but did not raise her family catholic.
 
ChantelMarie said:
I don’t think I am stupid, I just feel humiliated attmitting that I fell for that kind of abuse. I think a lot of staying in it is trying not to admit that you let it happen to you in the first place.

This last one has been much worse than any of the others, but almost every boyfriend I have ever has these same two sides. They are very sweet, charming, and likable in their public persona. These are all men whose family, friends, clients and aquintences would say were “the nicest guy ever.” But, then they have these Jekel and Hyde personalities where as soon as you get close to them they get angry, talk down to you, and take out all of their aggressions on you that they pent up from being fake all day.

On another note, please pray for me, for wisdom to know what to do. And, for my ex’s mother, for she is very ill. My ex just contacted me on FB asking if I would unblock him so he can keep me updated about his mom, who was just admitted to the icu. She has been ill, and I do believe him that she is there. I love his mom and his sisters and his daughter, and I would feel like I was betraying all of them if I didn’t go visit her. I had offered to have my priest give her last rights or annointing of the sick the last time she was admitted to the hospital. So, I do feel the need to at least uphold that request. And he asked that I unblock him so that he can let me know when it is appropriate to send my priest. She was baptized Catholic, but did not raise her family catholic.
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He can handle that all by himself if you give him the priest’s name.

Don’t open the door!
 
I will certainly be praying for you. And just to mention many years ago I was in a very similar situation to yours and I ended up being a victim of domestic violence. Many things that you have written had struck on me because I could have written the same many years ago. Including running always imyo en with jekel and Hyde personalities. But I was able to break that cycle so it is perfectly doable and you can do it too. You just need the right help and encouragement. At least you are on time to break this without mayor consequences (you are not married and no kids) so you have much better chances. All you need is to break the pattern and realize you do deserve better than that and you do deserve respect. With the right help and putting effort into it you will be able to overcome this and break this cycle.
 
Honey, if he can get a message to you without being unblocked…

Please don’t unblock him. Trust me.
 
You know what you have to do - cut off all contact and keep it cut off. Don’t even try to keep a platonic friendship. Yes, abusive people can sometimes be charming. In fact, it can be part of their act to hook you and reel you in. It can be very manipulative.
If you lived in fear of his actions/reactions, this is not a healthy relationship. You already know that.
If he wants a Catholic priest he can contact one himself. Perhaps the hospital even has a Catholic chaplain or can tell him if there is a priest who is assigned to the hospital. Don’t get hooked by the fact that his mother is sick. You can pray for her without getting trapped into having contact with this man.
 
I agree. Contact your priest and explain the situation then tell him to expect a call from XYZ. Give XYZ the priests name a and number and that’s that. Don’t unblock. Just go visit his mom on your own if you feel you must, but you could just send flowers and a lovely handwritten letter to his mom.

She may truly be sick, but it sounds like he is willing to use her sickness to get back in and manipulate you. Don’t allow it.
 
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