Escaping psychological abuse

[ChantelMarie]

Thank you, everyone. I am well educated and known as a very logical person. And it is so hard to wrap my head around the fact that my judgement is deceiving me. My heart wants to say, “Someone is hurting and needs you.” And it is very unnerving to know that someone I have loved is suffering and I am doing nothing about it.
I know he knows that too, and will almost certainly try to make me feel bad about it.

 

[AnneElizabeth]

I was going to suggest to the OP to use all that concern and love you have about him and put it into something else, like a hobby or a pet or even charitable actions. Keep busy with other things. Distract yourself from those feelings that pop up.

Also to write down all the times he was abusive and hurtful to you and get that paper out and read it any time you feel those love pangs coming on. You need to fight the fantasy with truth and remind yourself of what can and will happen to your future self if you were to continue a relationship with this guy. You’ll be a crumpled heap not able to give any more and he’ll be hovering over you screaming how lousy you are for still not providing him on demand. Also think about the influence on your family and friends- would you want them to be subject to the same behavior? Think for your loved ones, if you don’t or can’t think in favor for yourself.

Also, you said he threatened you. You did not mention how. If its a bodily harm threat, be sure to speak with authorities about it and take proper action against that. Take it seriously. I don’t mean to make you fearful or paranoid over this, but with some persons who are abusive you just never know. Please take measures to be safe if you feel its necessary.

 

[AnneElizabeth]

This is exactly how it happens. They KNOW that about you and will use your kindness against you. Find someone else who is hurting and needs you and give it to someone really truly deserving.

He does not love you if he is abusing you.   He is using you.  He may not be capable of loving or understand, but **that is not your job** to teach him.   You can't in your position..  That would be like expecting the hen to be able to teach the dog not to eat her.  He''ll just say, "oh how funny my food is talking to me"....  munch munch munch.

 

[DarkLight]

Think of an abusive man as an addict of a sort. The addict thinks he needs his drug. But you would recognize that you’re not helping the addict by giving him the drug he claims he needs. You help him by referring him to places that can treat him, instead.

The abusive man is addicted to power and control. And these relationships are his drug. You don’t help him by providing him with more of the relationship. If he needs help, refer him to a priest, or a counselor, but don’t give him more of his drug.