Estangement

[Struggling_Cath]

I have had an on-and-off estrangement with my family… Primarily with my mother and father. My father because he is practicing homosexual and “married” (note the quotes) another man… I refused to attend his “wedding”. We have not spoken since…

My mother is another story. For the better part of my life, she has lied, manipulated, and used people (especially her children) to:

• To falsely receive welfare, food stamps, and not ever had to hold a job
• She purposely manipulated social workers to get false diagnoses (such as Autism, mental illness, etc.) so as to obtain government benefits.
• She purposely manipulated her children, gave them drugs, and allowed her children to be exposed to unsavory characters.
• She blames me for ruining her life because she got pregnant at 18. --This is in-part because I have been successful (two masters degrees and Ph.D.) and she resents me for it.

Suffice to say, I informed until she can come to terms with the way she manipulated us, made up lies to obtain government benefits, and manipulated people (men especially) out of money, I have no use for her.

She has been dying of the same heart attack for 20 years. She has severe congestive heart failure. As awful as this sounds, I wish she would do my siblings and I a favor, get it over with.

My uncle, who is trying to get us to talk, keeps telling me she maybe has three years left. My mother is 54 years old. Smoked four-packs of menthols a day for 32 years, did more weed and coke than I care to mention (in front of us --my sister and middle brother have blocked out the memories because they were so young at the time), and blames me for her life being ruined. To quote her, “If I had only aborted you or gave you up to that Jewish family, my life would be so much better.”

I want to get feedback and some opinions, when my mother passes away, should I even bother going to the funeral?

I only ask because the prevailing opinion from my father, mother, and middle brother is that I am a pompous, over-education a**hole that knows everything. I toss that last comment up to envy and jealousy on their part.

 

[Xantippe]

I have had an on-and-off estrangement with my family… Primarily with my mother and father. My father because he is practicing homosexual and “married” (note the quotes) another man… I refused to attend his “wedding”. We have not spoken since…

My mother is another story. For the better part of my life, she has lied, manipulated, and used people (especially her children) to:

• To falsely receive welfare, food stamps, and not ever have to hold a job
• She purposely manipulated social workers to get false diagnoses (such as Autism, mental illness, etc.) so as to obtain government benefits.
• She purposely manipulated her children, gave them drugs, and allowed her children to be exposed to unsavory characters.
• She blames me for ruining her life because she got pregnant at 18. --This is in-part because I have been successful (two masters degrees and Ph.D.) and she resents me for it.

Suffice to say, I informed until she can come to terms with the way she manipulated us, made up lies to obtain government benefits, and manipulated people (men especially) out of money, I have no use for her.

She has been dying of the same heart attack for 20 years. She has severe congestive heart failure. As awful as this sounds, I wish she would do my siblings and I a favor, get it over with.

My uncle, who is trying to get us to talk, keeps telling me she maybe has three years left. My mother is 54 years old. Smoked four-packs of menthols a day for 32 years, did more weed and coke than I care to mention (in front of us --my sister and middle brother have blocked out the memories because they were so young at the time), and blames me for her life being ruined. To quote her, “if I had only aborted you or gave you up to that Jewish family, my life would be so much better.”

I want to get feedback and some opinions, when my mother passes away, should I even bother going to the funeral?

I only ask because the prevailing opinion from my father, mother, and middle brother is that I am a pompous, over-education a**hole that knows everything. I toss that last comment up to envy and jealousy on their part.

Your mom probably did have something going on mentally that prevented her from leading a normal, productive life, even if it isn’t what’s on her paperwork, and she’s certainly disabled now.

I think you should go to the funeral (as long as it’s not unreasonably inconvenient to you to attend), but that you shouldn’t feel compelled to socialize with anybody afterward that you don’t wish to socialize with.

As to what to do with your mom while she’s alive, talk to your priest and work with a therapist. Also, what to do about a dying estranged parent is unfortunately a common problem, so if you google for that, you’ll find lots of advice threads on the subject.

With regard to negative opinions of you among your family members, feel free to say, “Well, pretty much all of the people in our family are kind of a pain” while smiling cheerfully if anybody tells you you are a pompous, overeducated jerk.

Best wishes!

 

[Struggling_Cath]

The term “jerk” is not the term used… I cannot repeat what adjectives have come after, “…you are an overeducated pompous a**hole, pr*ck, right-winged misogynist, etc.”

My parish priest told me that “I honor my parents by succeeding in life and being positive reflection of them.” While his words are accurate, I have my brothers to contend with.

The middle brother, the snake-oil salesman… I mean realtor, he and I are polar opposites in everything. He resents me because he was always in my shadow. I have always said, “he is own man. Do not compare to me.”

The youngest, is a teenager (16 to be exact), and does not know how-to deal with my mother.

Anyways, they blame me for leaving the northeast to “pursue my career and sticking them with dealing with my mother.”

 

[Xantippe]

The term “jerk” is not the term used… I cannot repeat what adjectives have come after, “…you are an overeducated pompous a**hole, pr*ck, right-winged misogynist, etc.”
**
“I’m sorry you feel that way.”

or (if you’re feeling feistier)

“Everybody in the family has their issues.”**

My parish priest told me that “I honor my parents by succeeding in life and being positive reflection of them.” While his words are accurate, I have my brothers to contend with.
**
Your parish priest is a good guy, and right, too!**

The middle brother, the snake-oil salesman… I mean realtor, he and I are polar opposites in everything. He resents me because he was always in my shadow. I have always said, “he is own man. Do not compare to me.”

The youngest, is a teenager (16 to be exact), and does not know how-to deal with my mother.

Anyways, they blame me for leaving the northeast to “pursue my career and sticking them with dealing with my mother.”

Your teenage brother has a case (and do think about how to make his life easier), but I’d tell the older brother, “No one’s making you stay.”

Related, see the first letter here:

slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2015/04/dear_prudence_can_i_cut_my_brother_out_of_my_mother_s_will.html

Good luck!

 

[dmftx]

If you don’t mind…if you are asking us whether or not you should go to the funeral then somewhere, deep inside of you, I think God is talking to you. I also want to share that as we get older we see things differently and sometimes have regrets that we cannot go back and change. Those regrets are very painful and are often about things we were so sure that we were right about “then”.

I personally do not think that going to the funeral will matter to your mom or you once she passes but it may mean the world to her to see her before that happens. Will it be uncomfortable - yes. Will it go against everything you are feeling right now - probably so. Try to think of it as serving Gos’s desire for us to be charitable and that is what you would be doing. There are moments or opportunities that I would give anything to do over and I was so sure, then, that I was in the right. Time and God has a way of changing our perspective.

Even if your mom is absolutely awful to you, you can rest peacefully that you made an effort and did as much as you could to at least try to do God’s will with a sincere heart. If no one else is smiling at your effort, you can be sure that Jesus, who is so merciful, will be.

Take care.

 

[Xantippe]

If you don’t mind…if you are asking us whether or not you should go to the funeral then somewhere, deep inside of you, I think God is talking to you. I also want to share that as we get older we see things differently and sometimes have regrets that we cannot go back and change. Those regrets are very painful and are often about things we were so sure that we were right about “then”.

I personally do not think that going to the funeral will matter to your mom or you once she passes but it may mean the world to her to see her before that happens. Will it be uncomfortable - yes. Will it go against everything you are feeling right now - probably so. Try to think of it as serving Gos’s desire for us to be charitable and that is what you would be doing. There are moments or opportunities that I would give anything to do over and I was so sure, then, that I was in the right. Time and God has a way of changing our perspective.

Even if your mom is absolutely awful to you, you can rest peacefully that you made an effort and did as much as you could to at least try to do God’s will with a sincere heart. If no one else is smiling at your effort, you can be sure that Jesus, who is so merciful, will be.

Take care.

Yes.

But don’t feel obliged to stick around for her to abuse you, if that turns out to be what she wants to do.

 

[Struggling_Cath]

Fortunately or unfortunately, my mother has no life insurance or anything of monetary value. The teenage brother, I too have echoed those same sentiments to him, “You choose to stay. I have offered you place with me but you choose to stay.” Besides, he is only 16. So, I cannot fault him… He is just a kid that has yet to live in the real world.

Yes, I am aware that everybody has family issues. But, my family’s issues have driven a wedge between us.

Plus, I have another problem, with my mother being uninsurable (maybe I could get her a s small “no questions asked” policy on her through the KofC). That said, I will have the unfortunate experience (when time comes and it is coming soon given her health issues), being forced to “put her to rest” which will become an issue with my brother, the snake-oil sales man.

Time is coming soon for my mother (unfortunately).

 

[phil_at_dayboro]

There are a couple of things I could say about your family,
But it might come across as being insensitive or offensive,
Firstly, your father has made his own life, it’s not up to anyone to judge his Character ,
If he is happy , then so be it ,
Your mother, well be polite and just go through the motions , just keep at arms length,
And the same with everyone else, if there nice and friendly with you, if they invite you for dinner etc, then don’t be rude, treat people the way they treat you,
If people Blame you for there own shortcomings , then so be it ,
Now for you,
You have made an educated mature self conscious decision that you will not be like your parents, you want to move ahead in your life , you want to make something of yourself ,
You don’t want to wollo in self pity, and you don’t want people to drag you down because the world has wronged them , and it’s your fault that everything has gone wrong,
Well so be it, if people don’t like you because you wanted to improve your life,
Then that’s there loss not yours,
For a read. Matthew 19:29

 

[Xantippe]

Fortunately or unfortunately, my mother has no life insurance or anything of monetary value. The teenage brother, I too have echoed those same sentiments to him, “You choose to stay. I have offered you place with me but you choose to stay.” Besides, he is only 16. So, I cannot fault him… He is just a kid that has yet to live in the real world.

Yes, I am aware that everybody has family issues. But, my family’s issues have driven a wedge between us.

Plus, I have another problem, with my mother being uninsurable (maybe I could get her a s small “no questions asked” policy on her through the KofC). That said, I will have the unfortunate experience (when time comes and it is coming soon given her health issues), being forced to “put her to rest” which will become an issue with my brother, the snake-oil sales man.

Time is coming soon for my mother (unfortunately).

A small burial policy is a really good idea, unless you have money.

You definitely don’t want to spend the months after your mother dies wrangling over money with your sleazy brother.

Good luck!

 

[Struggling_Cath]

Matthew 19:29 - very relevant.

As far as my father is concerned, he made his choices… He chooses to defy God and marriage as whole, so be it. I just worry for his soul. I do not love him less just from a distance. There are other reasons besides his marital choice.

That said, I will not condone his choices nor will I give credence to them. “Gay marriage” is not marriage. Plain and simple. Just as he made his choices (albeit his choices involve sodomy), I have made mine and choose to be follower of Christ.

 

[phil_at_dayboro]

Matthew 19:29 - very relevant.

As far as my father is concerned, he made his choices… He chooses to defy God and marriage as whole, so be it. I just worry for his soul. I do not love him less just from a distance. There are other reasons besides his marital choice.

That said, I will not condone his choices nor will I give credence to them. “Gay marriage” is not marriage. Plain and simple. Just as he made his choices (albeit his choices involve sodomy), I have made mine and choose to be follower of Christ.

That’s so good to hear, you couldn’t change him even if you tried,
no matter whatever you do, so why try ? He himself must want to try,
You can still pray for him,
We all must try to improve ourselves as best we can,
There are of course many that cannot change , for a zillion reasons ,

 

[Graceful_Lamb]

As for your parents, I think being polite and civil to them would be good. I understand that your parents have made many choices that you disagree with. That does not mean that you can’t at least have a civil relationship with them, if that is what you want. “Love the sinner, but hate the sin.” Everyone one of us is a sinner. I totally get that that SSM is against the RCC’s teaching. However, each person is accountable for their own sins.

I hope that you are able to have a relationship with your mother and father that you are comfortable with.

Just remember that there are no do overs.

 

[Mayita30]

Hello

Your ability to rise above your situation is what makes you admirable. You have worked hard and deserved the educational success you have worked for such a long time… One thing concerns me though, please do not make these situations as something that could make you a bitter person and someone who would lack empathy for others. Remember that not all people who are in difficult situations can be successful… I have no other advise since I have never been in your shoes and I know it must be very hard to have parents like that…but you can never go wrong in being cordial and nice and don’t forget to pray for them. Life here on Earth is temporary so you really have to pray for them.