Estranged edlerly relative and cousin may need my help

[mommy_k]

I have a relative who extended family has cut ties with, us too, for many reasons. The relative is 87 yrs. Old. We invited them for chirstmas as they would have been alone. Ithought to give at least one last christmas to them as they are old. We have not seen them for about 3 years, due to many reasons.
Her adult daughter is her caregiver, but the daughter over the years has not been a very responsible person.

The relative and daughter never attended things they were invited to family wise over the years-funerals weddings etc , and has a very argumentative, abusive and dominant personality so people have stayed away.

They live over 100 miles away. During their visit, I witnessed abuse, -not what you suppose-the relative screamed constantly at her daughter, many times for no reason.This was true screaming. Our children were shaking.

Now every day since Christmas, the relative has been calling me. The relative is making up stories- I think they are made up-not sure. The relative says someone breaks into the house and steals money, by throwing their wallet off the deck, or steals things of value. They complain about silly things-such as how the daughter made a ham sandwich instead of tuna- and says what is wrong with this idiot?

The day I did not pick up the phone-the relative left numerous messages on my answering machine that were disturbing, and proceeded to call evryone I know saying that I was a horrible person etc. I asked why, and the relative said that they were worried about me- I could have been dead and they were worried. Then the realtive said they can’t talk about this because I am giving them a heart attack. The calls make me very anxious, and it is spilling onto my attention to my children, as they put me in a less than joyful mood.

So now I am entangled in this. I spoke to the daughter and she cannot control her. She cares for her needs, but the relative has her intimidated.The relative does not want to go into a care facility, as they will lose the life savings paying for it.
What the heck do I do-the relative needs help, the daughter needs help, and the phone calls are disturbing for our family. I have some health concerns that need attention right now, which need adressing so my attention should be on this.They both need help, and I do not want to cross any boundaries but it is very sad I also do not apprecaite that I have been forced to pick up the phone, or suffer consequences… I am the only other relative this person has contact with besides the daughter.

When I told other family, they did not care, or want any part of this, and told me it was my own fault for inviting them.

 

[crystal_waters]

Id encouragee them to go see a doctor…there may be an underlying mental health issue causing this behaviour…also a doctor can help refer them on to the right people who can help them if the younger lady cant cope with caring for the older lady

 

[PaulfromIowa]

It sounds like mental health/dementia issues. If there is real abuse/neglect going on, you could contact the state social services agency in their area. Is there a Catholic parish nearby that they are involved with?

 

[oldgraymare2]

Hi mommy k,

I am sorry for the stress that this is causing you.

God bless you for trying to help your family. Please don’t feel bad. You didn’t turn your back on them, or turn away from them. I know what it is like to help difficult family members.

I agree with the other posters regarding the possible physical and mental health issues of the older adult.

Is it possible that the daughter can take her Mom to the doctor for a check-up? Do you know if she has been able to do that?

I understand about the cost of a care facility. Maybe the daughter can talk to someone in their area at their local Dept. of Aging to get some ideas about what to do for help.

 

[1ke]

Call the county and report the situation and request a mental health evaluation/check on the woman. You can simply report it to the county department of aging, or adult protective services, whatever they have in that state.

 

[TARRAT]

I’d say definitely a mental health issue. Should have been addressed long ago. There should be some local help from social agencies. Encourage the daughter to get her to a doctor and find help for herself.

 

[tawny]

Please contact your county’s Protective Services for Adults. There appears to be a need of professional services.

 

[Xantippe]

mommy k said:

“The relative does not want to go into a care facility, as they will lose the life savings paying for it.”

I would suggest having the relative talk to a financial adviser (a real one, not an insurance salesman) or go to one yourself (perhaps with your husband) and discuss in great detail the actual law surrounding nursing home care and the financial realities of it.

My suspicion is that the relative’s savings and assets are not that big, and that a Medicaid-funded nursing home would not affect her financially in any major way, but you’ll have to check up on that.

The fears of people breaking in and stealing are pretty classic dementia, I believe.

 

[mommy_k]

Thank you all for your kind replies and advice. I feel a lot better.

The daughter brings her to the doctor reguarly from what I understand for heart issues,
I agree that it is definately cognitive impairment

I will ask if they want me to call an elder care agency. I just talked to a friend and they told me to put a time limit on offering help in this manner, and if it is refused, I did my part.

They are both lapsed Catholics. They have not been inside a church in many years, since my grandmother passed away. At that time, she was fighting tooth and nail not to have a funeral mass because as she put it-the church is out for money.
They are far from poor. But the good news is that my dad stood up and told her how sacreligious could they possibly be- and a mass was held. This is one reason for the estrangement from the family. I don’t know if they will welcome any catholic intervention, but I will mention it- and I hope she does not fly off the handle at this.

 

[LSK]

You need to call your local Office of Aging - particularly, Adult Protective Services. There is a mental health issue going on .

 

[Mrs_Sally]

mommy k said:

“The relative does not want to go into a care facility, as they will lose the life savings paying for it.”

I would suggest having the relative talk to a financial adviser (a real one, not an insurance salesman) or go to one yourself (perhaps with your husband) and discuss in great detail the actual law surrounding nursing home care and the financial realities of it.

My suspicion is that the relative’s savings and assets are not that big, and that a Medicaid-funded nursing home would not affect her financially in any major way, but you’ll have to check up on that.

The fears of people breaking in and stealing are pretty classic dementia, I believe.

Also, really what are life savings for if not to pay for care when you are old? She won’t be starting up a business or going on a cruise with the money.

I agree with others that the best help for them (especially considering the distance between you) is to contact the elder care program in their state/area. Encourage the daughter to do this herself if you can.

 

[Xantippe]

Mrs Sally said:

“Also, really what are life savings for if not to pay for care when you are old?”

Exactly.

“I agree with others that the best help for them (especially considering the distance between you) is to contact the elder care program in their state/area. Encourage the daughter to do this herself if you can.”

Right.

 

[HopenHappiness]

Hi,

Sorry you are going through this, you need to contact eldercare services. Depending on where you live they might have some programs that will help out with the care of your relative without her leaving her home. Or might have a day program. We were able to keep FIL out of a facility for over 5 years with in home help. This was all in thanks to Elder Care services, they pointed us to the right programs and stuff to keep him safe at home.

Good Luck