Etiquette during Confession

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This happened a little while ago, but lately it has been bugging me, probably more than it should. Anyhow, I really would like some outside perspectives on it.

After having fallen away from the sacrament of confession for a few years I had a sort of “reversion” and resolved to go to confession on a regular basis. So the next Saturday, after having prepared myself I went to my parish church for confession. I was the last person in the confessional line and was extremely nervous. When it was my turn I walked into the confessional and I as I started to kneel down behind the screen the priest told me I should sit in the chair instead. I am a really shy person normally, so confessing face to face made me even more nervous, but I did as the priest said.

I had written a list of my sins so that I wouldn’t forget them (my mind tends to go “blank” when I get nervous–which I learned from another confession experience). When I took out the list (which was on a 3x5 index card, not a large piece of paper) the priest gave me a weird look and asked rhetorically (that’s how I took it anyhow) if I had written down my sins. He seemed displeased, but told me to go ahead and confess, which I did.

After I was done I got up to leave the confessional and the priest stopped me to ask me a few questions about my parents, my siblings, and my age (at the time I was 16 years old). I answered his questions and was making to leave when totally unexpectedly he decided to hug me. It wasn’t a really long or weird hug, but being hugged by a priest (who I didn’t know and who didn’t know me), while in the confessional (so we’re totally alone; I was the last one in line and the church was deserted), after I had confessed my sins to him, without an obvious reason, and for longer than a hug needs to be, made me really uncomfortable. I am really shy and not a hug person to begin with; I **hate **hugs unless they’re from close family members. So at the time I attributed my feelings to that. The priest didn’t do anything inappropriate, I am sure he meant well and that it was a nice gesture on his part, although maybe not the most prudent. But the whole experience made me so uncomfortable that I couldn’t make myself confess to this priest again.

So my questions are:
  • Are kneeling behind a screen and sitting face to face both acceptable during confession? Can/should a priest tell you which to do?
  • Is writing a list of sins to bring into the confessional with you so you don’t forget acceptable? Is it good practice or should it be discouraged?
  • Is it weird for the priest to hug you after confession, and while you’re still in the confessional? Should I just make myself get over the incident by confessing to this priest again?
Thanks so much for your advice! I appreciate it. 🙂
 
Both behind the screen and face-to-face are acceptable, as far as I know. I’ve never heard of a priest making a “recommendation”. (I prefer the screen myself, so that would have made me a nervous wreck too!!)

I don’t think there’s anything wrong in making a list. (Assuming that you’re not obsessing over your sins, and that you destroy the list afterwards.) I’ve done it several times, if I’m nervous that my mind will blank out on me in there. :o

Getting hugged by a priest in the confessional? Wow, that would totally freak me out!!! I’ve never had that happen. (I’m not a “hug person” either.) :eek:

But, if you feel at all uncomfortable with this priest, then by all means find another one! It will help tremendously!! When I had my “reversion”, I checked into all my local parishes, until I found one with a convenient time for confession, a confessional that I liked, and a priest that I felt comfortable with.
 
As the penitient you have the choice to go behind the screen or not. You could told him that you feel more comfortable behind the screen.

Making a list is not a bad thing to do. I have on occasion done that.

Asking questions about your family could be appropriate. Sometimes the confessor asks about other things in your life to see if your sins are being caused by some extenuating circumstances. For example if your parents are having marital problems that could affect you psychologically and affect your behavior as well. If a sibling is aways on your case you could respond with anger or lose your patience and that might mitigate the sinfulness of your behavior.

As far as the hugging…TOTALLY OUT OF LINE…NO WAY…RED FLAG!!! I used to hug my long time confessor but since the priest scandal I have been very aware of boundaries in the confessional and in Spiritual Direction situations. In fact, as a pastoral minister, we had to sign a Code of Conduct saying that we will not do anything like that in a pastoral situation (the priests signed it as well). It is sad, but teachers are no longer allowed to hug kids. Try pushing away a 6 year old who is sad and crying because her grandma just died…but according to our Code of Conduct it is not allowed.

He might just be a touchy feely sort of guy, but certainly all these things put together tells me that I would not feel comfortable going to him for confession. In many parishes they now have windows in the confessional so that people from the outside can see if anything is going on that is not right. In our church the window is on the penitients side.
 
I think it was inappropriate for him to tell you to come out from behind the screen, especially since that’s the way most people who were raised Catholic are used to doing it.

I used to write my confessions down too, though I have never thought of destroying the paper afterward–I used to keep them in my private journal. I also kept the Act of Contrition in there, and my confessor was used to having me pull out my journal and read off my list, especially right after I reverted and I was a nervous wreck in the confessional. I’ve never heard anything against it, but the priest may have just been especially nice to me 😛
 
I have never heard of a priest asking someone behind the screen to go face-to-face. I often take a list - whether I use it or not, varies, but I have it in hand. I can’t recall ever being physically touched during confession other than possibly a hand on the head during absolution. Definitely no hugging, though some of them I might hug outside of the confessional.

I don’t know that I’d go back unless I just wanted to satisfy my own curiousity about what happened.
 
You should always have the option of behind the screen or face-to-face with the priest and I find it rather puzzling why the priest would ask you to come over and sit in the chair when you chose behind the screen - and the hug also. I recently returned to the Church after an almost 20 year absence and made an appointment for confession, which of course was face to face. My parish has two priests and I called the one that I felt was less intimidating (both are great but I was nervous). Was a very positive experience. Until then had always went behind the screen. If there is a particular priest that you like and feel comfortable with, you can also make an appointment or maybe give this particular priest the benefit of the doubt and try again. Also, as someone said previously, it is okay to go to various parishes and find a priest that you like and feel comforable with. Now I plan to go every month and have went once since then but at the Cathedral - confessions several times everyday and is more convenient. Disadvantage though if you want a regular confessor.

I have always had an outline written on index cards and don’t find anything wrong with notes. When I went to face to face confession I asked if it was okay and Father said yes, but due to the seal of confession, my notes had to be destroyed before I left his office. He had me tear them up and dispose of them. I had went over what I had to say so many times that I really didn’t glance at them much.

Maybe with the questions he was trying to get a sense of what is going on in your life in order to best have some gravity as to what your life situation is - and can advise best. I don’t think that is too unusual, especially since you haven’t been to confession in a long time.
 
It was inappropriate, though not seriously, for the priest to tell you that you must sit face-to-face during Confession. You have a right to confess anonymously.

It was extremely inappropriate for a confessor to hug you. I’m not saying parishioners cannot hug their priests (publicly) and I’m not alleging there was any sexual or abusive intention on his part, but it definitely crosses the line as to appearance of propriety vs. impropriety.

He may truly have been joyful about your return to the sacraments. They celebrate that we are once again in union with our Lord and His Church. But he should have contained his emotions and impulses and expressed his joy with words.

But whether his hug was intended to be a physical expression of celebration and love, or not, is beside the point. He crossed the line. Nowadays each diocese has strict standards about the conduct of priests, as well as other leaders in each parish.

Please write a letter to your bishop to let him know what you experienced (as you described in your post). Explain that you are not accusing the priest of any sexual or other transgression or of any impure intent, but that, as a teenage girl, you are put off by it and that you would like the bishop to talk about this impropriety to the priest. Tell him how it made you feel, and thank him for his leadership.
 
It should be the choice of the person going to confession whether they go behind the screen, or face to face.

Sometimes as an examination of concsience I make a list, also.

The hug was out-of-bounds. Even if he was happy about your return to the Sacrament, I think its the wrong thing to do.
 
No a priest can’t tell you what to do, but he can suggest. But whatever is more comfortable to you… kneeling or face-to-face they’re both good…

sometimes i’ve written a list but i heard from a priest once that you should NOT have a list because you might find it later and be reminded of your sins but if you do make a list destroy the it so that you don’t remember the sins…

Our priest is a good holy man and being a hispanic community he’s gotten use to hugging people because i guess we’re just a hugging kinda people… anyway… yea i’ve gotten hugged in the confessional and it wasn’t weird or akward in anyway…

but i guess if you were uncomfortable you should have told him or at least look uncomfortable so he could take the hint…
 
Lifesaver said:
…after I had confessed my sins to him, without an obvious reason, and for longer than a hug needs to be, made me really uncomfortable…The priest didn’t do anything inappropriate, I am sure he meant well and that it was a nice gesture on his part, although maybe not the most prudent. But the whole experience made me so uncomfortable that I couldn’t make myself confess to this priest again.
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Unfortunately, yes, he did do something inappropriate. Even if you don’t know it, he does. And unfortunately, no, you cannot be sure he meant well and that it was a nice gesture on his part. You can only hope. We can only hope.

If he is a molester, he will hope that he never chooses a target who will tell anyone of his “lesser” transgressions, the early ones which just don’t quite feel right and are not too obviously predatory. These are the ways the water is tested by predators. This is how they hope to identify their victims, without being identified as a predator. Even his insistence that you not stay behind the screen may have been a way of testing whether you were a likely target.

If he is a predator, he is counting on your silence. If he is not, he has played into a predator’s hands. In either case, he has violated your trust and your right to be treated with the respect due to every woman, especially a daughter of the Lord who has trusted herself to be alone with a priest in a confessional. Would you think it OK for a boy in your math class to come up out of the blue and hug you like that? How about your principal, in his office? Of course not! This priest may not believe what he’s been told, he may not think the rules apply to him, but in this day and age and in this country…he knows better.

Not a bishop in this country has neglected to inform his priests what kind of behavior is out-of-bounds, and why. Not a bishop in this country would want you to let this go without alerting the vicar of clergy or the child protection office for his diocese.
quiet52 said:
It was inappropriate, though not seriously, for the priest to tell you that you must sit face-to-face during Confession. You have a right to confess anonymously.

It was extremely inappropriate for a confessor to hug you. I’m not saying parishioners cannot hug their priests (publicly) and I’m not alleging there was any sexual or abusive intention on his part, but it definitely crosses the line as to appearance of propriety vs. impropriety.

He may truly have been joyful about your return to the sacraments. They celebrate that we are once again in union with our Lord and His Church. But he should have contained his emotions and impulses and expressed his joy with words.

But whether his hug was intended to be a physical expression of celebration and love, or not, is beside the point. He crossed the line. Nowadays each diocese has strict standards about the conduct of priests, as well as other leaders in each parish.

Please write a letter to your bishop to let him know what you experienced (as you described in your post). Explain that you are not accusing the priest of any sexual or other transgression or of any impure intent, but that, as a teenage girl, you are put off by it and that you would like the bishop to talk about this impropriety to the priest. Tell him how it made you feel, and thank him for his leadership.
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I agree with this. Extended hugging is a red-flag behavior for an adult to initiate with a child or a young adult, particularly when done in a private place, without any invitation, by an adult in a position of trust and particularly when a shy person is chosen for for the attention. Some adults who do it are innocent, not realizing that this is a grooming behavior used by child molesters to identify targets. Among the priests, though, I doubt that there is a single one in the country who has not been told by his bishop that such behavior is never allowed.

I disagree with one thing: if you, OP, never want another priest to do something like that again, then say so. You have no way of knowing his intent, but the priest had no right to do what he did, and no appropriate reason whatsoever to believe that such an embrace should be welcomed, even if he hoped it would be. It was a transgression.
 
A confessor I sometimes go to used to place his hands on top of the penitents head during the words of absolution…something that is allowed in the rite…but has stopped that since the scandal. I used to love that gesture, but I know from signing the same code of conduct that they do, that they can’t physically touch anyone, at least not in a private space. But I know there are still priests that do it, although I haven’t come across them.
 
Joannm said:
A confessor I sometimes go to used to place his hands on top of the penitents head during the words of absolution…something that is allowed in the rite…but has stopped that since the scandal. I used to love that gesture, but I know from signing the same code of conduct that they do, that they can’t physically touch anyone, at least not in a private space. But I know there are still priests that do it, although I haven’t come across them.
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Even so, the laying on of hands and stealing an embrace are two very different things.

I speak from some first-hand experience. The bishop should be made know of every occurence like this. This kind of thing can go on for decades, if the bishop is never told. If this is a priest who has victims, rather than a priest who can’t make himself believe why there are these rules, then the OP could be saving someone else besides herself. If every good priest is convinced to honor the rules, then those very very few bad ones that are out there will not be able to use the sloppiness of others as a cover or an excuse.

And I do not mean to single out priests, although they are in the position of greatest trust and are trusted in the time of a Christian’s greatest vulnerability to exploitation. Everyone should understand about appropriate boundaries, so that those very few with bad intentions will not blend in, even with their first exploratory advances.
 
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