Eucharist in the absence of marriage

[vindo]

Dear Community!

I ask this because I’ve already had different answers from priests. I confess this regularly because it concerns me.

I’ve lived with a woman for many years. We have been a couple for 10 years and we were both in disbelief when our relationship began. When I came to believe two years ago, I realized that we had to get married. The conditions do not allow that at the moment. We’d both get married if we could even tomorrow. However, the circumstances do not allow that.

I therefore exclude myself from the Eucharist. I don’t like doing this because I want communion with the Lord. The priest said that he did not think that was a good thing because the Eucharist is medicine and is there for those who want to have a share in Jesus. It is no problem for my state of grace if the circumstances prevented us from getting married. Other priests said the opposite.

How do you see it? I would be happy about your assessment!
Thank you so much!

 

[MNathaniel]

I realized that we had to get married. The conditions do not allow that at the moment. We’d both get married if we could even tomorrow. However, the circumstances do not allow that.

What are the circumstances that “do not allow” marriage?

Are you referring to the pandemic? Or something else?

Given that you mention you “came to believe” (in Catholicism?) two years ago, I imagine there’s a non-pandemic reason you haven’t married each other during the past two years?

 

[vindo]

Thank you Nathaniel!

No, it has nothing to do with the pandemic. The reasons are social. We cannot finance a home because of our studies at universities. That’s why we currently live in a shared apartment with her family. We can only afford to move out in about 3 years, as the rents in our city are very high. Marriage concludes a family and a closed household, which we cannot justify with the best of our will at the moment.

And yes I’m catholic, of course

 

[MNathaniel]

There is, of course, no rush to marry if you two are not ready for the responsibilities of marriage.

Of course, this means you’re not simulating marriage and having sex outside of marriage. Right? You’re just happening to live under the same roof with her family for financial reasons, but you do not share a bed or have sex?

Because to be clear, the characterizing feature of marriage isn’t a “closed household”. (Plenty of married couples live in extended-family households, especially during the early years of marriage or as parents get elderly). And the characterizing feature of marriage isn’t money (plenty of married couples go through times of poverty). The characterizing feature of marriage is sex.

 

[vindo]

Well, as you can imagine, we lived like a married couple before. The reason for this question is not because we only live under one roof. The sexual aspect is of course the main thing, I am aware of that.

That’s why I want to get married as soon as possible. And that’s why I bring this up with every confession. That’s why the topic gnaws at me a lot. It’s not like I don’t have a moral problem with it. A big one, actually.

 

[kapp19]

If you are not married, do not sleep together.

If you do not intend to stop, then you are not making an integral confession - which always means at least a sincere resolution never to continue in your known sins. It normally also requires a reasonable attempt at removing the near occasion of sins. You certainly should bring this up at your next confession, if this is your case.

I think you should get the advice of other people in your community about how to go forward practically. But if you are not in a position to be getting married, and you do not have the strength to keep yourself from fornicating, then you do not have any choice, as far as I can see, but to leave this woman, or vice-versa. If we must “forsake father and mother” for discipleship, certainly we must also forsake this kind of relationship which pulls us into serious and foreseeable sin.

As for reception of Holy Communion, in such a circumstance, you would likely not be barred except by your conscience, which is rightly annoying you.

The best document to refer to on this is “Familiaris Consortio.”

Prayers for you…
-K

 

[Tis_Bearself]

That’s why I want to get married as soon as possible. And that’s why I bring this up with every confession.

Given that you know sex outside marriage is a sin, and do it anyway, it seems like there is not much point in bringing it up in confession if you are not going to actually make the effort to “sin no more”, as in either live like brother and sister or get married now. You can’t be confessing it as a sin and promising to avoid it in the future, while simultaneously planning to go home and engage in sexual relations with your fiancée.

As for receiving Eucharist, you should not receive while in a state of grave, possibly mortal sin. And it sounds like you realize you’re in a state of grave sin. You also shouldn’t be taking a poll of priests to see if one will let you receive and then taking a poll of laypeople here to see if they’ll agree or disagree with the priests.

Since you’ve already asked a lot of priests, the fact that the vast majority of them told you not to receive Eucharist should indicate to you that’s the correct answer. The priest who wants you to keep receiving while you’re in a state of grave, possibly mortal, sin is incorrect. You would be receiving an unworthy communion and thus adding sin to your sin.

Please either marry your girlfriend now or stop having relations with her until you can get married. And don’t receive the Eucharist till you’ve done one or the other, and made an actual good confession.

 

[JMMJ]

Either you want to be a Catholic, or you don’t. Your post is filled with excuses. Either follow the rules, or don’t, but call yourself accordingly. Catholic rules don’t allow for your current arrangement.

 

[vindo]

The best document to refer to on this is “Familiaris Consortio.”

Prayers for you…

Thank you brother.

Since you’ve already asked a lot of priests, the fact that the vast majority of them told you not to receive Eucharist should indicate to you that’s the correct answer.

It’s not like I’m looking for the most pleasant answer. I confess it every time and I often get different answers. The answers that are liberal, however, come much more often. This may be because I live in Europe. My last priest said that there is no state of sin when there is love between a man and a woman and the sacrament of marriage is given retrospectively. He also said that I should in no way exclude myself from Christ, but should partake of his Church, since it is the fellowship of sinners, not of the sinless.
It is not my selfish motive for justification in sin that leads me to write here. I try very hard,
I was in great sin in my life prior to my conversion. I love this woman.

Your post is filled with excuses.

Not very helpful, but thanks for your evaluation.

 

[Tis_Bearself]

I was in great sin in my life prior to my conversion. I love this woman.

Then please, if you love her, marry her, because you’re not only sinning yourself if you have relations with her outside marriage, but you’re bringing her down with you. You’re doing her spiritual harm.

If priests in Europe are just blithely telling people living in sin to go receive Communion, then I can see why the Church seems to be declining in many parts of Europe.

 

[vindo]

Then please, if you love her, marry her, because you’re not only sinning yourself if you have relations with her outside marriage, but you’re bringing her down with you. You’re doing her spiritual harm.

I understand, thank you.
Until now, I thought it was not okay to get married without starting a household of your own. So I said we couldn’t get married until we move out of her parents’ home.
If that’s not a problem, then nothing stands in the way of marriage.
As I said, we’d both want to get married. But I thought that the requirement for it was not given.

 

[Latin]

I’ve lived with a woman for many years. We have been a couple for 10 years and we were both in disbelief when our relationship began.

That’s why the topic gnaws at me a lot. It’s not like I don’t have a moral problem with it. A big one, actually.

You are @vindo, practically married to each-other from about 10 years and you are both still practically married couple.

There is a simple solution (I don’t say you should do it, but both can consider it), you both could sign the marriage certificate, everything stay the same, without anyone (maybe the parents know it) and 3-4 years-time make the big or what ewer kind of wedding celebration.

I don’t say @vindo, you should do it, but I in your situation might consider it.

God bless

 

[stoplooklisten]

Prioritize oneness with the Lord Jesus Christ in the Eucharist over physical oneness with your female friend. Live separately (at least in separate beds and bedrooms). Go back to the priest in the Sacrament of Confession and ask for absolution for what you’ve already done. Work with a priest on the details going forward including sacramental prep and planning as appropriate (baptism, confession, eucharist, confirmation, marriage).

 

[Gorgias]

Given that you know sex outside marriage is a sin, and do it anyway, it seems like there is not much point in bringing it up in confession if you are not going to actually make the effort to “sin no more”, as in either live like brother and sister or get married now. You can’t be confessing it as a sin and promising to avoid it in the future, while simultaneously planning to go home and engage in sexual relations with your fiancée.

There’s an important distinction to be made here, and a hidden presumption.

First is the distinction between “an intent to avoid sin, but failing” and “an intent to keep on sinning.” I think it goes without saying that all of us fall into that first category; if not, then no one would have to keep on going to confession!

The hidden presumption that is being made here is that the OP doesn’t intend change, rather than “intends it, but falls to sin.” That’s kinda uncharitable, no? If the measure is merely “he commits the sin over again”, then we’d have to say the same thing about each and every one of us, wouldn’t we?

(We could make a case about “the near occasion of sin”, but that doesn’t invalidate a confession in the way that it’s been mentioned here.)

 

[Tis_Bearself]

I didn’t get the sense from his post that he was planning to stop living in a marital way with his fiancée. And from a practical perspective, if you’re both in good health and fairly young and are living together and have been living together already for years, it’s likely to be a near occasion of sin at best. It’s like if I confessed drinking too much but then I still went and sat in a bar every night for a few hours.

 

[Gorgias]

I didn’t get the sense from his post that he was planning to stop living in a marital way with his fiancée.

All he said was that they planned to continue living under the same roof (with her family). It’s still an interpretative stretch to say “clearly, he walks out of confession intending to resume sexual relations.”

it’s likely to be a near occasion of sin at best. It’s like if I confessed drinking too much but then I still went and sat in a bar every night for a few hours.

Right. And we’d label that as “unwise”. But, it wouldn’t mean that the confessions were invalid because they were without contrition/resolve.

 

[Vico]

The priest said that he did not think that was a good thing because the Eucharist is medicine and is there for those who want to have a share in Jesus.

Is this free union, meaning having marital type relations when not in fact married? In any case it is important to avoid giving scandal (bad example) to others. In Familaris Consortio, Saint Pope John Paul II wrote on de facto free union:

Some people consider themselves almost forced into a free union by difficult economic, cultural or religious situations, on the grounds that, if they contracted a regular marriage, they would be exposed to some form of harm, would lose economic advantages, would be discriminated against, etc.
…
The pastors and the ecclesial community should take care to become acquainted with such situations and their actual causes, case by case. They should make tactful and respectful contact with the couples concerned, and enlighten them patiently, correct them charitably and show them the witness of Christian family life, in such a way as to smooth the path for them to regularize their situation. But above all there must be a campaign of prevention, …

Familiaris Consortio (November 22, 1981) | John Paul II

Spiritual Communion

Threefold Manner Of Communicating in the Catechism of the Council of Trent:
That the faithful may learn to be zealous for the better gifts, they must be shown who can obtain
these abundant fruits from the Holy Eucharist, must be reminded that there is not only one way
of communicating. Wisely and rightly, then, did our predecessors in the faith, as we read in the
Council of Trent, distinguish three ways of receiving this Sacrament.
…
Others are said to receive the Eucharist in spirit only. They are those who, inflamed with a lively
faith which worketh by charity,’ partake in wish and desire of that celestial bread offered to them,
from which they receive, if not the entire, at least very great fruits.

Council of Trent, SESSION XIII (Oct. 11, 1551), Chapter 8, The Use of the Admirable Sacrament

As to its use our Fathers have rightly and wisely distinguished three ways of receiving this Holy Sacrament. For they have taught that some receive it sacramentally only, as sinners; others only spiritually, namely those who eating with desire the heavenly bread set before them, by a living faith, “which worketh by charity” [ Gal. 5:6], perceive its fruit and usefulness; while the third receive it both sacramentally and spiritually [can. 8]; and these are they who so prove and prepare themselves previously that “clothed with the wedding garment” [ Matt. 22:11, ff.], they approach this divine table. Now as to the reception of the sacrament it has always been the custom in the Church of God for the laity to receive communion from the priests, but that the priests when celebrating should communicate themselves [can. 10]; this custom proceeding from an apostolical tradition should with reason and justice be retained.

 

[1Lord1Faith]

Listen to your priest. Your situation is very common these days, and it’s not just because you are in Europe. Priests in the US give basically the same council as you’ve received from what you say is a majority of priests that you’ve spoken to about it.