Ever change your first impression of someone's looks, or anything else?

[ToeInTheWater]

I think I might have asked a similar question ages back, but I have noticed many posters stating as fact, that the less attractive among us have no chance of even being considered as dating or marriage material. And many have reassured them that no, it is possible to become attracted to someone later on, even if the first impression was not of overwhelming attraction.

However, I do wonder how common this actually is. It has happened to me more than once, but I am a woman, and it seems most of the comments about physical attraction being a pre-requisite to dating, are based on assumptions that men are “wired” in a way that if they don’t find a woman attractive on first glance, they will never give that women a second glance, and so a woman who is not that attractive, have no, or at least very little chance, to find a mate.

I find such a bleak view of dating to be, well, extreme. On the other hand, most of the “homely” people I know who are happily married or partnered, are older. So maybe people need to mature a bit to look beyond looks? Or maybe all that means, is that these people were more attractive when they were younger?

Though I guess a cynical view would be, most men aren’t shallow enough to dump a woman they’ve come to love, even if she later loses her earlier beauty. But they still must have been attracted to her at some point to even consider them as a possible spouse.

 

[EasterJoy]

When you read the stories of people married 50 years, I’d say about half the time one of them said it was some variation on love at first sight, whereas the other half of the couple laughed and said, “I looked at him(her) and thought, ‘meh’.”

I would say that more people than not are more mature about the importance of looks as they get older. Some of the people who work the hardest on looking good at all times are vain, and vanity is not an attractive character trait when you have to live with it.

I think people are scared when they pick up a desperate vibe, although it is not as scary as the predatory vibe. Both make people feel as if they are being hunted and won’t be easily relinquished if they are caught. Even when felt intuitively, that is not a pleasant thought. That is why those who are too eager to please often elicit a “whoa, whoa, what’s the catch?” reaction. If the person isn’t concerned about going slow enough to confirm the object of their interest is actually good for them in some deeper-than-surface way, that feels very suspicious.

 

[pensmama87]

I was not attracted to my first boyfriend when we met. Granted, this was when we were in school, but we were old enough to have crushes. We were never more than acquaintances until late high school, but then the more I got to know him the more attractive he became. We dated for two years, and broke up for unrelated issues. But he then dated another girl after me, and now we’re no longer in touch so I don’t know if he married her or what.

So we were young, but yes, it can happen.

 

[ToeInTheWater]

When you read the stories of people married 50 years, I’d say about half the time one of them said it was some variation on love at first sight, whereas the other half of the couple laughed and said, “I looked at him(her) and thought, ‘meh’.”

My own mother told me that when she first met my father (they worked for the same organization but were in different departments) she wasn’t impressed at all. They were just work acquaintances for a while, but got to know each other better when (1) he briefly dated one of her friends and (2) she actually became friends with her future mother-in-law, and that’s how she got to know my father enough to give him a chance.

My father is pretty closed mouthed about emotional things, so I’m not sure what his take on their meeting was. But since he did date someone else between first meeting my mom and actually starting to date her, I assume it wasn’t “love at first sight” for him either.

I was not attracted to my first boyfriend when we met. Granted, this was when we were in school, but we were old enough to have crushes. We were never more than acquaintances until late high school, but then the more I got to know him the more attractive he became. We dated for two years, and broke up for unrelated issues. But he then dated another girl after me, and now we’re no longer in touch so I don’t know if he married her or what.

So we were young, but yes, it can happen.

One of my best friends in HS actually wound up married to a guy who she was acquainted with for years, but didn’t start to date until senior year, and only because someone else set them up.

I can also think of at least 2 now married couples that technically met in high school and certainly had opportunity to know what each other looked like and such, but were also never more than acquaintances, but happened to meet up later in life and come to see each other in a different light.

Now, this is not the same as saying “physical attraction doesn’t matter” in dating and marriage, indeed, I think most people in the US and other “modern” cultures wouldn’t even want to marry someone who wasn’t attracted to them, unless I suppose they actually were desperate.

However, it seems some people with relatively little dating experience assume that “I only have one chance to make an impression and get someone attracted to me, if it doesn’t happen the first time we meet, it will never happen, time to move on to the next fish in the sea.” That’s the assumption I find to be inaccurate much of the time.

ETA: I also notice many with this attitude also assume that the only reason to socialize with people of the opposite sex is to size them up as possible dating options, and don’t seem to find any value in actual friendship with those of the opposite sex, that might either develop into romance, or might open up other opportunities - if my dad hadn’t dated my mom’s friend first, he may not have dated her, and I wouldn’t be here.

Indeed, a lot of the stereotypes and generalizations people on CAF make about the opposite sex, seems to reveal they really don’t spend too much time with the opposite sex except to date them, and I don’t think that’s quite right. Though I’ve always been the kind of woman who had many male friends and never saw anything weird about that.

 

[AdamP88]

As they say, beauty is in the eye of the beholder. I would say in general that men and women are attracted to looks first. But that doesn’t mean that there us nothing else at play. If I met a very attractive woman who, in a conversation, told me that she was pro-abortion, I would honestly have no interest from that moment forward.
I didn’t meet my fiancee for about six months after we decided to try to have a serious relationship. We were in different countries and though I knew what she looked like from photos I had never seen her in person. She’s extremely attractive, but even if she wasn’t, I had grown to love her and she was essentially the woman I’d prayed to God for. I really think it’s much more complicated than just physical attractiveness.

 

[AdamP88]

I’ll just add that physical attractiveness fades with age so basing a relationship on it probably isn’t a great idea. Friendship and companionship though, improve with age.

 

[SilverShadow22]

Yes.

I am probably somewhat unusual in that, in my mind, physical looks are dispassionately separate from emotional attraction.

Celebrities: Ah, yes, symmetry. I see that it is attractive. Yet he is, or is most likely, a truly unpleasant human being. Zero attraction. I merely recognize physical symmetry or ‘rightness’ and while I can’t exactly define the Golden Ratio, I know it when I see it.

So part of me sees and recognizes symmetry, or the obvious lack thereof. But honestly, in a year on a Catholic dating site and some on and off again on another site… I only looked for a healthy, normal range. I didn’t, and still don’t, have a physical ‘type’.

… And yet, the man I recently started seeing - suddenly my sister (and sort of my mother) says ‘I would not have thought he was your type.’

And I’m like… Since when did I ever have a ‘type’ and what was it supposed to be? Did anybody ever hear me being picky in terms of physical attraction?

…No. In fact, all my discussions of attraction have focused on personality and behavior and character. I use the word ‘cute’ more often to describe personality traits than I do physicality.

Maybe I do attraction backwards, I don’t know. However people look is a part of them, and once I personally know them, it becomes inseparable from my overall impression of them. In other words, looks do not define what I think of people. More often, it is the reverse.

Most may like him because he’s cute; for me, he’s cute because I like him. I don’t know any other way to do it.

 

[AbideWithMe]

Yes.

I am probably somewhat unusual in that, in my mind, physical looks are dispassionately separate from emotional attraction.

Celebrities: Ah, yes, symmetry. I see that it is attractive. Yet he is, or is most likely, a truly unpleasant human being. Zero attraction. I merely recognize physical symmetry or ‘rightness’ and while I can’t exactly define the Golden Ratio, I know it when I see it.

So part of me sees and recognizes symmetry, or the obvious lack thereof. But honestly, in a year on a Catholic dating site and some on and off again on another site… I only looked for a healthy, normal range. I didn’t, and still don’t, have a physical ‘type’.

… And yet, the man I recently started seeing - suddenly my sister (and sort of my mother) says ‘I would not have thought he was your type.’

And I’m like… Since when did I ever have a ‘type’ and what was it supposed to be? Did anybody ever hear me being picky in terms of physical attraction?

…No. In fact, all my discussions of attraction have focused on personality and behavior and character. I use the word ‘cute’ more often to describe personality traits than I do physicality.

Maybe I do attraction backwards, I don’t know. However people look is a part of them, and once I personally know them, it becomes inseparable from my overall impression of them. In other words, looks do not define what I think of people. More often, it is the reverse.

Most may like him because he’s cute; for me, he’s cute because I like him. I don’t know any other way to do it.

I (a woman) am pretty much like that: if I come to like someone, I like their appearance, rather than the reverse. I do have a couple of “types” in looks that have been consistent for most of my life, but in the case of at least one of those types, I like it in other people because I came to love it in someone I knew since elementary school.

There are many people who I think are beautiful, and I notice and deeply appreciate that beauty, but it doesn’t cause an emotional attraction in itself. It’s just one kind of beauty to thank God for; different, from from the same source, as other beauty in creation.

 

[bitterhope]

My dad says he didn’t see my mother as beautiful until they had dated for a couple of months. He fell in love with her because they shared a common vision in life and wanted very similar things family wise and both were very devout Catholics. He said once he fell in love with her she became the most beautiful woman on the face of the earth and to him her beauty continued to grow rather than fade over the years. They were together for nearly 50 years before he passed away and told her everyday how beautiful she was. Honestly, I always thought my husband was very attractive, but the longer I’ve known him the more attractive he is to me. He has some scars from one of his trips to Iraq but I don’t notice them the way other people do. They don’t affect his looks to me and I can certainly understand what my father meant about the way beauty grows as you grow in love. There comes a point in time when you no longer focus on the physical looks of someone and begin to see their soul instead. I find it sad that so many people seem to miss out on that in life by allowing outward appearances to dictate their emotions. Looks aren’t really all that important.

My husband has always told me he thinks I’m very pretty but I know I am not. I also know that I am not really his type. He always liked tall, thin, blondes with straight hair and blue eyes and I am short (4 ft 11 in), stocky, and dark skinned with curly dark auburn hair and greenish brown hazel eyes. Complete opposite of his ideal beauty. Somehow we ended up together and happy and he has never made me feel anything less than beautiful to him. Looks really shouldn’t stop a person from getting to know another person. I’m so glad it didn’t stop my dad from knowing my mom or my husband from knowing me.

 

[SilverShadow22]

My dad says he didn’t see my mother as beautiful until they had dated for a couple of months. He fell in love with her because they shared a common vision in life and wanted very similar things family wise and both were very devout Catholics. He said once he fell in love with her she became the most beautiful woman on the face of the earth and to him her beauty continued to grow rather than fade over the years. They were together for nearly 50 years before he passed away and told her everyday how beautiful she was. Honestly, I always thought my husband was very attractive, but the longer I’ve known him the more attractive he is to me. He has some scars from one of his trips to Iraq but I don’t notice them the way other people do. They don’t affect his looks to me and I can certainly understand what my father meant about the way beauty grows as you grow in love. There comes a point in time when you no longer focus on the physical looks of someone and begin to see their soul instead. I find it sad that so many people seem to miss out on that in life by allowing outward appearances to dictate their emotions. Looks aren’t really all that important.

My husband has always told me he thinks I’m very pretty but I know I am not. I also know that I am not really his type. He always liked tall, thin, blondes with straight hair and blue eyes and I am short (4 ft 11 in), stocky, and dark skinned with curly dark auburn hair and greenish brown hazel eyes. Complete opposite of his ideal beauty. Somehow we ended up together and happy and he has never made me feel anything less than beautiful to him. Looks really shouldn’t stop a person from getting to know another person. I’m so glad it didn’t stop my dad from knowing my mom or my husband from knowing me.

Lol, well I’m not blonde either… And according to one particular person I’m a bit taller than preferable…

But we’re still dating

 

[Exiled_Child]

Appearance is everything, and one might even say appearance is fate.

 

[Sarcelle]

I’ll just add that physical attractiveness fades with age so basing a relationship on it probably isn’t a great idea. Friendship and companionship though, improve with age.

Physical attraction is the gatekeeper for the start of romantic relationships. This is true for both men and women. Nothing wrong with it. Once physical attraction is established than the process of discerning whether someone is right for you then begins. It may not go anywhere due to incompatible values or it may go somewhere. However it all has to start with physical attraction.

Now if you find someone who you click with but aren’t physically attracted to, you are not obligated to start a romantic relationship with them. Don’t waste your or their time. Someone else will find them attractive.

 

[PelagiathePenit]

Appearance is everything, and one might even say appearance is fate.

Wow. Why do you say that?

 

[Sarcelle]

Wow. Why do you say that?

Let me answer that question.

Attractive people have an easier time in life. They get treated better and get away with a lot more. Countless studies have proven this to be true. Now of course not all attractive people lead a charmed life. I am talking about generalities here.

Is it fair? No, but who said life was fair?

So yes, one’s physical appearance does play a part in how you are treated by others.

 

[AdamP88]

Physical attraction is the gatekeeper for the start of romantic relationships. This is true for both men and women. Nothing wrong with it. Once physical attraction is established than the process of discerning whether someone is right for you then begins. It may not go anywhere due to incompatible values or it may go somewhere. However it all has to start with physical attraction.

Now if you find someone who you click with but aren’t physically attracted to, you are not obligated to start a romantic relationship with them. Don’t waste your or their time. Someone else will find them attractive.

I don’t agree. It doesn’t always happen like that.

 

[bitterhope]

I don’t agree. It doesn’t always happen like that.

It isn’t always like that (thankfully!) and it shouldn’t be that way either. Physical appearances mean nothing, not just with people but other things in life as well. Have you ever noticed a beautifully kept home but the family there is a royal mess? The fact that they have a nice place hasn’t done a thing for them because they have focused on the wrong things to keep it that way. It’s so much better to have a cluttered yard and a house in need of minor repairs that is full of love and happiness. Have you ever seen a very well maintained car with the family riding in it are fussing at each other? Sometimes we are so interested in how things appear to those around us that we don’t actually take the time and effort necessary to make things work. Looking beyond exteriors when firming opinions is very important.

 

[Sarcelle]

I don’t agree. It doesn’t always happen like that.

Hmm. From talking to a lot of men, physical looks decide whether or not to pursue a romantic relationship. Now in the course of pursuing a romantic relation the woman they are interested in displays qualities they do not like than the pursuit is over. As one man told me “Men will go for the hottest women they can afford.”

I remember a woman telling me “Even though I have wisdom of the ages, have faith to move mountains and speak with the tongues of angels but have not hotness, I may as well be nothing to men.”

Well paraphrasing 1 Corinthians 13.

Obviously not all men are like that.

 

[AdamP88]

Hmm. From talking to a lot of men, physical looks decide whether or not to pursue a romantic relationship. Now in the course of pursuing a romantic relation the woman they are interested in displays qualities they do not like than the pursuit is over. As one man told me “Men will go for the hottest women they can afford.”

I remember a woman telling me “Even though I have wisdom of the ages, have faith to move mountains and speak with the tongues of angels but have not hotness, I may as well be nothing to men.”

Well paraphrasing 1 Corinthians 13.

Obviously not all men are like that.

When I was praying for my future spouse. Hotness didn’t come into the equation. I was looking for a woman of faith, someone who I knew would be with me on all the important issues. She is beautiful, but perhaps more so to me than others, because I love her. I don’t really agree with the idea that most men go for hotness over anything else.

 

[SilverShadow22]

When I was praying for my future spouse. Hotness didn’t come into the equation. I was looking for a woman of faith, someone who I knew would be with me on all the important issues. She is beautiful, but perhaps more so to me than others, because I love her. I don’t really agree with the idea that most men go for hotness over anything else.

Perhaps it is only that you are not most men

 

[mommy_k]

To the op-this happens each and every time someone meets someone. No one is exactly the same as one assumes based only on apearance.

This is because we filter our judgements of others from our own heart. So what you think about others says more about you then them.