Ever had a nanny/caregiver of your kids quit suddenly? I was used

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Serap

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Most of you know that I had a good live-in nanny for the past 2.5 years. I am thankful for my children having a loving caregiver.

In Canada, we have a program where a live-in caregiver can apply for an open permit after 24 months of working with a family. From day one, I told N. that I needed her until August 30th, 2013 and we both agreed to it.

As a result, I accommodated her, treated her with kindness, like part of our family. She told me that she wanted to go to the Phillipines in May 2013 for a minimum of a month, so in kind I carried over 3 weeks of vacation into 2013, and booked 5 weeks vacation in May. I did this for her in good faith that she would in turn care for my kids until the end of August.

Up until the day she left, she told me that she would care for my kids for the summer months. She arrived back from her country May 26th. Her open permit arrived while she was on vacation. She told me she was moving out and I was happy for her. We offered to help her move and she said it was ok. Everything seemed great. Soon after, I got a wierd feeling, so I asked her outright if she was going to interviews and she said “yes”. A week later, I asked her if she had a job and she said “yes”. I asked her when she was beginning her new job and she said July 4th. I realize now that she was also setting herself up so I would have to pay her for our Canadian statutory holiday on Monday, July 1st. ouch.

I asked her why she didn’t tell me earlier and she said she didn’t want me to worry 🤷

I found a summer college student who had excellent references and we performed a thorough background check, including checking her Facebook account. We offered her the job and she has already begun babysitting some evening so our kids can get to know her. She’s great with my kids and I think she will work out.

Now that I’ve sorted everything out, I am angry…really really angry. I don’t even like talking to N. anymore, but I’m still cordial to her b/c we have one more week with her. I was so kind to her and she used me to go to the Phillipines for 5 weeks. I feel like a fool and should have seen this coming. I only needed to give her 2 weeks vacation by law, but I gave her 5 weeks for only 6 months of work!!! I am also paying her almost $3,000 a month after taxes (she nets $2,300 a month), and I come home and the house is a mess even though I am leaving it tidy in the morning.

This feeling of being used hurts very much and I’m angry! I am also having a hard time trusting our new caregiver b/c I got burned so badly by N.

Any comments would be welcome as I’m feeling quite low b/c of all of this.
 
Don’t you just hate it when the servants mess up our idlyic lives! How much do they expect us to take? And don’t even talk to me about the chauffer! I was just saying to the butler the other day how unsatisfied I was with the valet and on top of that there were streaks on the limo this morning! How long must this suffering go on?
 
That is disheartening. 😦

I don’t really have any magical words that would restore trust. Just keep praying and try to move forward. I can certainly understand wanting to be more vigilant after this, but try not to take the behavior of the first girl out on the second.

Not that this helps matters (:o), but can you really do nothing with regards to the 5 weeks vacation? Any job I’ve ever had, if you left half way through the year and had already taken more vacation days than six months would allow, the difference would be taken from your last paycheck. When you think about it, that is the just way to go about it. Vacation days are earned through work and distributed based on the understanding that you’ll be there to work the whole year. If you leave early, you don’t earn those vacation days. Thus, what you previously took as a vacation day becomes – in retrospect – an unpaid leave of absence.
 
Tell her you feel used. Point out that she has garnered more from you than she deserved not because she enlisted your kindness freely, but because she deceived you. Don’t fly off the handle, but do not mince words, either. She was free not to tell you what she was doing, so she would “not worry you” as she put it, but in that case it was her responsibility to look out for your interests as you might have done if she had disclosed her true intentions. Pointedly ask her what it means about her that she does not consider a verbal agreement as binding upon her as a written one. What kind of integrity is it that does not keep its word when there is no court there to force it? (This tack will only work, of course, with an employer of integrity, but let us hope that describes you!)

Do not get into how she has carried out her duties, though. You should have dealt with that as the situation came up, so except reminding her that she has the same duties for her entire stay with you and is expected to work as if she did not have some other employer lined up, do not throw that into her face. Rather, talk only about the work she has to do today and what your agreement includes. Do not give her a pretext for believing you unfair or unkind, or she will give herself permission to discount what you say.

Maybe she won’t act any differently towards you than she would have otherwise, maybe she will not offer to take a lesser parting salary than she had arranged with you, but perhaps the sting on her conscience will keep her from misusing a future employer. One can hope.

An earlier poster suggesting letting her successor take over her position immediately. With only a week to go, that is probably not worth the bother, but you would have been morally within your rights. What rights you would have in Canada with regards to giving notice or even if your verbal contract had been written, I have no idea. I do think it would be worth doing a full investigation into that before taking on your next nanny, in order to have the expectations and penalties you need to avoid a repeat performance in writing for the next time around. When you explain the terms of the contract to the next person, you’ll have ample reason for the clauses you’ll want to have in place.
 
Not that this is of any consolation, but people who are paid poorly to do the hardest jobs tend to be flaky. On top of that, many foreigners who find themselves in caretaking roles (senile/elderly, disabled people or childcare) do not truly have a calling for that work, but do it because it is all that is available to them. We had that problem with caretakers for my grandfather (also Filipino, also quit frequently), and we ended up just having to pay twice as much for an American. It was hard to find one, but it was worth it. Best of luck with your college student!
 
I don’t know anything about having a nanny, but I will say you live in a despotic country if you have to pay $3000 per month for low quality labor, and you have to provide 2 weeks paid vacation per year. It sounds like the low skilled immigrant workers have a good handle on how to play the socialist system.
 
JackieMom said:
Not that this is of any consolation, but people who are paid poorly to do the hardest jobs tend to be flaky. On top of that, many foreigners who find themselves in caretaking roles (senile/elderly, disabled people or childcare) do not truly have a calling for that work, but do it because it is all that is available to them. We had that problem with caretakers for my grandfather (also Filipino, also quit frequently), and we ended up just having to pay twice as much for an American. It was hard to find one, but it was worth it. Best of luck with your college student!
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I don’t know if $3000 a month, room and board, paid vactions and holidays is “paid poorly”.
 
SamH said:
I don’t know if $3000 a month, room and board, paid vactions and holidays is “paid poorly”.
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$2,300/month take home pay is pretty low in my area, even when room and board is included. Full time childcare is a damn hard job, and after taxes it’s only about $13 per hour. But I’m sure it’s different regionally. I’m not saying you specifically paid poorly, just that in general childcare is compensated poorly for how thankless and hard it is.
 
SamH said:
I don’t know if $3000 a month, room and board, paid vactions and holidays is “paid poorly”.
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It’s the going rate for a live-out caregiver in my area - $15 per hour plus city transit pass.

The summer student starts in a week to take over until the end of August. She is 22 and seems really lovely. She has worked in a licensed daycare setting, so she is familiar with young children.
 
JackieMom said:
$2,300/month take home pay is pretty low in my area, even when room and board is included. Full time childcare is a damn hard job, and after taxes it’s only about $13 per hour. But I’m sure it’s different regionally. I’m not saying you specifically paid poorly, just that in general childcare is compensated poorly for how thankless and hard it is.
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That is not a good reason to deceive your employer, though, and that is what this nanny did.
 
I should note that I have never asked anyone to clean my house or do laundry. I only ask for the house to be maintained as best as possible in the common areas.

No chauffeur or housecleaner here 😉
 
JackieMom said:
$2,300/month take home pay is pretty low in my area, even when room and board is included. Full time childcare is a damn hard job, and after taxes it’s only about $13 per hour. But I’m sure it’s different regionally. I’m not saying you specifically paid poorly, just that in general childcare is compensated poorly for how thankless and hard it is.
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It’s definitely different regionally. In my area, that salary is enough for a person to support a family of 4 (probably more).
 
JackieMom said:
Not that this is of any consolation, but people who are paid poorly to do the hardest jobs tend to be flaky. On top of that, many foreigners who find themselves in caretaking roles (senile/elderly, disabled people or childcare) do not truly have a calling for that work, but do it because it is all that is available to them. We had that problem with caretakers for my grandfather (also Filipino, also quit frequently), and we ended up just having to pay twice as much for an American. It was hard to find one, but it was worth it. Best of luck with your college student!
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This is a good point Jackie Mom. Caregiving would not be my calling either; it’s a difficult thing to do esp. when it is someone else’s children.

I found that college students and teachers off for summer, were happy with my salary offer and they applied to watch my kids for summer. The one I hired really was the best choice. My gut is telling me that she’s great too. I hope I’m right. I have little faith in myself these days.
 
Serap said:
I should note that I have never asked anyone to clean my house or do laundry. I only ask for the house to be maintained as best as possible in the common areas.

No chauffeur or housecleaner here 😉
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But you do have a butler, right? I mean everyone needs a butler! 😛

I like your reply. 🙂 I was kind of offended for you. :o Tons of working moms use childcare and sometimes that childcare is home-based. It’s a far cry from having an entourage of servants at your beck and call.
 
EasterJoy said:
That is not a good reason to deceive your employer, though, and that is what this nanny did.
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Yes, it was deception. I understand why she did it…she wanted money and security. She was thinking about her family back home and not about my kids. I get it. It still was unethical and not the right thing to do.

I’m not sure that I should even address this with N. b/c I honestly think she will say something like, “I’m sorry…I didn’t know that my employer would want me to start so soon. I tried to do my best.”

She wouldn’t really care that much. She’s moving forward and making sure she has steady income.
 
Joe_5859 said:
But you do have a butler, right? I mean everyone needs a butler! 😛

I like your reply. 🙂 I was kind of offended for you. :o Tons of working moms use childcare and sometimes that childcare is home-based. It’s a far cry from having an entourage of servants at your beck and call.
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don’t we both wish we could have a butler though??? wouldn’t it be nice to come home and have dinner ready and the dogs bathed???

I’ve been going without a lot to afford daycare…so relieved my kids are in school full-time come Sept. My son finally got into the daycare after 2.5 year wait list! We are set once the summer is over! I’ll also only be having to pay $1,400 a month for both kids…a lot cheaper!!!
 
JackieMom said:
Of course it’s not, but I think it’s pretty much par for the course in that industry.
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yes…lots of stories on the internet from hurt parents AND hurt nannies. it goes both ways. many families try to abuse their nannies.
 
Serap said:
Yes, it was deception. I understand why she did it…she wanted money and security. She was thinking about her family back home and not about my kids. I get it. It still was unethical and not the right thing to do.

I’m not sure that I should even address this with N. b/c I honestly think she will say something like, “I’m sorry…I didn’t know that my employer would want me to start so soon. I tried to do my best.”

She wouldn’t really care that much. She’s moving forward and making sure she has steady income.
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She might not care and certainly she is very unlikely to do anything to make amends, but then again you might put a sticky in her ability to rationalize that you don’t care or had no reason to expect better. Many people would keep their word more often if they were called on it when they didn’t. The conscience of even the modern secular human is not entirely dead. Besides, it will put her on the spot when she gets to feel how it is to have the same thing done to her, and that day will come. What goes around, comes around. Say something, and maybe she’ll get that when it does.
 
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