Ever used a Catholic dating site?

[ShanaA1984]

Have tried Catholic Match with no luck so far and I will be trying Ave Maria singles once I can afford it.

 

[CallMeCatholic]

With any relationship, you need to consider the what after. Am I going to marry? If not, will we engage and wait patiently until we can marry? Will I be happy with that or would I rather have the freedom to look around when I become ready to marry? Will I break up with him/her eventually after a couple of months or, say, two years, in order to try something new?

This is different when you already have some form of a relationship (e.g. you love someone mutually, you have a “natural” candidate, you have bonded on a personal level etc.) and when you just meet a reasonably attractive person that appears okay. Or is actually attractive and fun to be around but not much more so than some of the other people. You will meet plenty of attractive or interesting people yet. (Actually, even if you’re already ready to marry, you shouldn’t be marrying someone who’s merely “okay” or merely attractive, even very attractive, but no special connection or indications of being a good spouse and parent material.)

Exactly, I haven’t dated in quite some time mainly due to all of those questions you stated in the first paragraph. Yes, there have been many possibilities, but as silly as it may sound for my age, I want to date someone who would be a great wife and mother. Not someone who would be beneficial in any way shape or form in the short run.

 

[chevalier]

Exactly, I haven’t dated in quite some time mainly due to all of those questions you stated in the first paragraph. Yes, there have been many possibilities, but as silly as it may sound for my age, I want to date someone who would be a great wife and mother. Not someone who would be beneficial in any way shape or form in the short run.

Exactly. The short term can be dealt with otherwise. A healthy need for human company or even a healthy need for the company of people of the opposite sex (and I don’t mean this in a sexual way, not at all, just the difference, the ability to talk to someone who is different, like a brother is also different from a sister) can be met within friendship. If someone really needs a date to a party or ball or some such, that too. Need to burn energy or be active? Sport. Or some kind of ministry. Need to be doing something with live? Education. Or some kind of ministry. And so on and so forth. Yeah, it’s hard. But the alternative is worse.

See… in my teens I wasn’t exactly marrying tomorrow. I don’t think I even had a proper idea of marriage and certainly wasn’t anywhere near theology books (I think I was mostly thinking in vague romantic terms, although sexuality started popping up too). But one day I thought that having a girlfriend I knew I wouldn’t marry would be kinda redundant (I was kinda smart).

 

[1ke]

For those of you who got into long distance relationships through these sites, how did that work out? How long was it before you made phone calls and visited in person?

It varied for me.

I only met two guys who were “local” (within 100 miles) and we met in person relatively soon. Maybe after a couple of weeks of emailing and then talking on the phone.

There were a number I met who were various distances out of state, and those went slower. Met in person after several months of talking via email and/or phone.

My DH lived about 2000 miles away. We began emailing in August and then talking on the phone maybe in Sept or Oct (hard to remember now). We met in person in Feburary. We dated that entire year, were engaged at Christmas, married at the end of the following year. So 2 years from emailing to marriage.

 

[AlwaysCurious]

It varied for me.

I only met two guys who were “local” (within 100 miles) and we met in person relatively soon. Maybe after a couple of weeks of emailing and then talking on the phone.

There were a number I met who were various distances out of state, and those went slower. Met in person after several months of talking via email and/or phone.

My DH lived about 2000 miles away. We began emailing in August and then talking on the phone maybe in Sept or Oct (hard to remember now). We met in person in Feburary. We dated that entire year, were engaged at Christmas, married at the end of the following year. So 2 years from emailing to marriage.

Thanks 1ke. In your opinion, should a person who registers with a dating site be ready to pick up and move at any time, or is it okay to be in school/transition? Although I have a full-time job and live on my own, I’m also in a Master’s program that I’d rather finish before I consider moving/marrying. I’m willing to move, but I want to make sure I have better earning potential before going anywhere.

Just wondering if it would be better to wait, if the women on these sites generally expect a guy to be fully ready for marriage as soon as they log on.

 

[1ke]

Thanks 1ke. In your opinion, should a person who registers with a dating site be ready to pick up and move at any time, or is it okay to be in school/transition?

I think that’s fine as long as you are up front about it. And I think it’s unique to the individual situation.

In our case, neither of us moved while dating. We were long distance the whole time. I moved after we were married.

Although I have a full-time job and live on my own, I’m also in a Master’s program that I’d rather finish before I consider moving/marrying. I’m willing to move, but I want to make sure I have better earning potential before going anywhere.

I don’t think there is anything wrong with that. So, I think it depends where you are in your program and who you meet and what their circumstances may be.

Just wondering if it would be better to wait, if the women on these sites generally expect a guy to be fully ready for marriage as soon as they log on.

I think that depends on the girl.

 

[chevalier]

Just wondering if it would be better to wait, if the women on these sites generally expect a guy to be fully ready for marriage as soon as they log on.

That seems to be the case. My general impression from secular dating (by secular I mean simply without a specific Catholic context but still in a country where >90% are baptised Catholic) would be that commitment would be avoided as much as possible, sometimes to very uncomfortable levels (“just friends” just doing things that just friends just don’t do). On the other hand, many women (definitely not all but possibly most) on Catholic dating sites do tend to give the impression of wanting marriage right away, no dating or romance, I sometimes wonder how much emphasis is put on the man’s individual personality or whatever else is individual and specific about him. This can be scary. I can very much imagine myself proposing on the very day I met someone (much less several weeks) but that would require a very improbable combination of factors (no red flags, overwhelming positives, strong personal attraction, an overwhelming feeling of “kindred-soul-ness”, the joint probability of the occurrence of which is barely above 0). It’s a legitimate approach, perhaps humble and realistic in its own way, but it won’t work for me.

On the other hand, some explicitly look for friends and acquaintances and I have no idea how they imagine “true love” coming about from there. This is a minority.

My favourite type is those that will hang out with you and be open to getting to know you, will let themselves be known (more like talking about life goals and personalities than flirting), tactfully remaining silent about the fact that we have, after all, met through a dating site, while not seeking the type of interaction that would require a relationship that just isn’t there yet.

 

[JoyIsLikeRain]

I’m on one now. I’m friends with a couple that’s currently engaged and they met on one, too.

I’m a young guy in a big city, so my area thankfully has a big selection for everyone.

However, I’m already put-off about several things I’m seeing on the site:

• Having to write my “ideal” number of kids.
  Sorry, that’s up to God; that’s no one else’s business. I’ll see profiles of 23-year-old girls who will write “five or more” to that question, and I’m immediately rolling my eyes. Good for them if that is what they truly want, but I’m not thinking of myself as a family man/homeowner/making lots of money/marriage at the moment. That’s all up to God.

A long-time friend of mine (she’s a girl) is also on the same site, and she wrote in her profile “I’m looking to actually get to know you for some time before I say ‘I do’ to anyone. Please don’t come on here, ask me out, and then start dreaming up marriage plans as if I were your little house wife.” I couldn’t agree more, especially since I see the other end of the spectrum with girls writing “My perfect boyfriend”…"My soulmate…“My perfect match” etc. I laugh at that and silently wish them luck.

• Answering “doctrinal” questions- you say “yes” or “no” to answering to key tenants of the Catholic faith. I know not everyone will be saying “yes” to all of them. However, I’ve noticed with the people I’ve sent “greetings” to who didn’t say “yes” to all of those questions (unlike me) won’t respond. If you’re that much in disagreement with doctrine that you don’t want to deal with a boyfriend who is, then why pay to be on that site at all? Just go on a regular dating site.
• It’s on the Internet, so there’s no reason to feel guilty about ignoring people or being flaky. Lose interest in the other person? Just quit responding…who needs manners in 2012 anyway. He didn’t send you a message saying “let’s go get a drink” the first time he saw your profile? Screw it; another guy will come along soon.
• Photos. These are supposedly “moderated,” but I’ve seen some AWFUL photos on people’s profiles. You’re caked in dirt in work-out clothes after some Mud Run/triathlon? Yeaaa, no; you look gross.
  You’re all sweaty with messed-up hair on the top of some mountain? Not really a pretty sight.
  You’re holding your drinks up in a bar with your really pasty/inebriated/goofy girlfriends? Woo :coffeeread:.
  You put up photos of your entire family at some event, but we can barely see your head in the last row? Nice, but we’re not dating them.

 

[VeritasLuxMea]

On the other hand, many women (definitely not all but possibly most) on Catholic dating sites do tend to give the impression of wanting marriage right away, no dating or romance, I sometimes wonder how much emphasis is put on the man’s individual personality or whatever else is individual and specific about him. This can be scary. I can very much imagine myself proposing on the very day I met someone (much less several weeks) but that would require a very improbable combination of factors (no red flags, overwhelming positives, strong personal attraction, an overwhelming feeling of “kindred-soul-ness”, the joint probability of the occurrence of which is barely above 0). It’s a legitimate approach, perhaps humble and realistic in its own way, but it won’t work for me.

From what I’ve heard, science tells us that human intuition is a lot stronger than one might think. Supposedly we can learn a lot about a person within a mere 30 seconds of observation and chit chat, though whether we are tuned into that or not is a different question.

That said, I do not believe the average person has much in the way of psychological awareness and knowledge of self. So, I would advise tremendous caution to those who think they can accurately assess a potential partner’s compatibility quickly.

This is just my opinion, so anyone can take it or leave it.

 

[chevalier]

From what I’ve heard, science tells us that human intuition is a lot stronger than one might think. Supposedly we can learn a lot about a person within a mere 30 seconds of observation and chit chat, though whether we are tuned into that or not is a different question.

Yes, intuition follows basically the same processes that conscious reasoning does, except the “maths” is performed in the subconscious (i.e. at the “lower”, subconscious level). I was referring to more conscious processes, though, since intuition can’t be relied on to be logical and is hard to verify. It’s always approximate and always sketchy. There are also some things we normally need to ask about specifically, especially if they involve conscious choices rather than following directly from a person’s character (e.g. religious beliefs about specific issues, such as contraception or premarital sex).

That said, I do not believe the average person has much in the way of psychological awareness and knowledge of self.

Yup. It makes more time if you don’t know what you want, don’t have a picture of what type of person you are, what kind of people you get along with, what you appreciate, what you absolutely must have, what you can tolerate, what you can’t live with etc. If you’ve never thought about these subjects, you can only make approximate guesses based on attraction, or improvise.

So, I would advise tremendous caution to those who think they can accurately assess a potential partner’s compatibility quickly.

Yup. It may take a lot of reading to go there, and a degree of understanding of psychology or at least such things as communication, body language, personality types, personality disorders. It would also help to have a reliable grasp of logical reasoning (mostly to avoid popular fallacies that result from rushed thinking). I would actually advise tremendous caution anyway. Marriages of professional psychologists fail too.