Ex bf with someone new

[blue_skies_1]

I posted on here as ‘richardsgirl’ just over two months ago discussing whether to break up with my boyfriend - the ‘Richard’ in my username & eventually we did.

It’s been just over two months now & I’ve been ok, good & bad times (it was a long relationship) but couldn’t shake off the notion that we might get back together. I wasn’t even sure that I wanted to get back together but it was comforting to feel that it maybe wasn’t completely irreversible. Anyway now I’ve found out that he’s already with someone else .

I suppose it’s not that ridiculously soon or anything & I do wish him happiness in it but it’s such a horrible feeling knowing that this man I was so close to, who was my best friend for almost three years, is now experiencing that with someone else. Especially as he told me he loved me but just didn’t want a relationship, wanted to be single for at least a year etc… I was rather doubtful about that and I’ve been proven right I guess! Oh well. He’s hardly commited a crime but I’m feeling at a low ebb today and can’t help worrying if she’s prettier than me and all sorts of other silly things

Comforting thoughts would be much appreciated:thumbsup: . LOL.

 

[blue_skies_1]

Just thought I would continue with my post a bit . I’m partly doing this for myself I must admit just to see it in black and white, but I want to write down all the reasons that we broke up… I’m pretty sure that most people looking at the list will tell me I’m better off without him and that’s what I need to hear as it’s surprisingly difficult to believe - even despite all the problems, I hoped we would work it out & I still have so many good memories too in with the bad.
Anyway here is my list, some of it is rather shocking

He this really close friendship with an eccentric older man - not a horrible person but an alcoholic and chain smoker with some pretty strange ideas about things and he was very influential on Richard, which I found uncomfortable

He had a rather dysnfunctional family background (well, what’s normal anyway, I guess) with parents who were divorced and seemed to hate each other and also an almost total lack of affection growing up (the opposite to my family) - he himself as a result was also rather closed-off emotionally (even taking into account his XY genes!)

He had few if any really close friends, seemed to be so self-sufficient that he was rather a loner

He used to make money through professional gambling and running a ‘syndicate’ which (I think) wasn’t illegal but I used to worry about it

He used money that he made through this syndicate to pay a company to at least partially write his dissertation for his degree for him

He also used to get cigarettes sent in from countries where they don’t have that VAT on them and sell them off to people (hardly a master criminal but I didn’t like it)

Early in the relationship, he told me (and this is disturbing) that at the ages of about 15/16 he used to make money basically by running a porn site - I don’t know how it worked exactly, but he would post things up on there (not things he personally made or anything) and would make money from getting ‘hits’ to his website. All without his parents having a clue where this money was coming from

Not Catholic, liberal views on most things

The relationship was sexually active

I believe (but am not 100% sure) that he cheated on me once towards the end of the relationship

Towards the end we were arguing a lot, I was really stressed about it all the time and didn’t like myself for the way I was behaving

Didn’t want to settle down and (towards the end) he openly told me that he was very curious about what it must be like with other women and that he felt he hadn’t had enough fun and adventures before meeting me

Anyway there it is… my rubbish relationship in black and white… still miss him though… what’s wrong with me??

 

[Verbum_Caro]

Hi Blue,

I’m sorry you’re having a rough go right now. Hang in there.

Anyway there it is… my rubbish relationship in black and white… still miss him though… what’s wrong with me??

Nothing is wrong with you, you are experiencing some pretty normal emotions, it seems to me. It doesn’t matter how good or bad the relationship was – you miss him.

I’m the first to say this, but I won’t be the last on this thread to point it out I’m sure, but when

The relationship was sexually active

when it shouldn’t have been – well, it messes up your head, you can’t think clearly. That type of thing is intended for your spouse who you will be with for life. Our souls were never meant to have temporary sexual relationships, and it causes us alot of pain when we do.

But that’s in the past! Go to confession (if you haven’t already)! Start anew! And take heart, you have friends here!

VC

 

[Just_wondering]

Aww, I’m sorry you’re feeling like this, blue skies. :hug1: Nothing’s wrong with you, it’s a natural stage in the mourning cycle. Even though you knew the relationship had to end, it still hurt to end it. Honestly, if you didn’t feel anything, I’d be more worried.

You’re not so much mourning the loss of this particular guy or this particular relationship, as the potential and the future you imagined you could have. You probably built quite a few dreams around the idea of having him there beside you, and now you have to go through all those dreams and adjust them for his absence. The directions you thought you’d be going in the future have to be re-examined and possibly changed. People naturally don’t like change, so the voice at the back of your mind was probably saying, well, maybe we could get back together and things would be better, and I wouldn’t have to go through all my dreams and change them. Now you realize that won’t happen, and you’ve really got to go through the process of re-assessing where you’re going after all.

It takes a long time to really finish the healing process after a relationship. Don’t get mad at yourself for needing and taking that time.

 

[blue_skies_1]

Thanks for the replies… feeling very lonely at the moment & hating the thought of him with someone new having a great time no doubt. The other week he texted me asking for the recipe of this chicken thing we used to make together - it was so out of the blue, and I thought it was weird then and had the ‘paranoid’ thought he might be cooking for a girl - then I find out I’m right. He has every right to move on but it’s insulting to me to treat me like that. We’ve arranged twice to meet up over a drink & catch up as friends, and he cancelled the first time - texted me with a really off-hand sounding message. So I asked him if he still wanted to meet or was it too soon or something & he said that was fine, he was looking forward to seeing me & catching up… it was supposed to be tonight . But last night he just texted me to say he was in a new relationship and didn’t think it would be appropriate and said ‘have a nice year at uni’. I just feel insulted! I didn’t even reply. I thought he was a good person but I’m just not sure anymore & it’s depressing What do u think?

 

[os_justi]

My advice: just let him go. Don’t talk to him again, don’t follow up on him with mutual friends or online, just put that part of your life behind you and move on. Take care of You, because there’s no longer an Us for you to be concerned with. It will be hard, yes, and it will take time. But if you learned something from the relationship, it was worth it.

 

[chevalier]

Most of the time people are saying they won’t be with anyone, they want to be single for a time etc etc, they are exaggerating.

Don’t let the fact that he was with you and is with someone else now get in the way of your recovery.

And perhaps if it took so little time, perhaps then your relationship wasn’t one to make a successful marriage.

If this is any consolation, I still can’t fend off some sadness whenever I see my ex register on MSN, two years without a quarter since the break-up. I’m not even really affected by the fact she might be with someone else, nor do I need to talk to her, but the popping up brings back not even memories, but just a little thing in me. Maybe that thing in you needs time to go. It rarely is gone after merely two months.

 

[blue_skies_1]

Most of the time people are saying they won’t be with anyone, they want to be single for a time etc etc, they are exaggerating.

Don’t let the fact that he was with you and is with someone else now get in the way of your recovery.

And perhaps if it took so little time, perhaps then your relationship wasn’t one to make a successful marriage.

If this is any consolation, I still can’t fend off some sadness whenever I see my ex register on MSN, two years without a quarter since the break-up. I’m not even really affected by the fact she might be with someone else, nor do I need to talk to her, but the popping up brings back not even memories, but just a little thing in me. Maybe that thing in you needs time to go. It rarely is gone after merely two months.

Thanks Chevalier . I just deleted my ex off msn today, maybe it’s time for you to do the same
(and by the way, that’s not particularly consoling! LOL… I don’t want to still be feeling like this in two year’s time!! )

 

[chevalier]

Thanks Chevalier . I just deleted my ex off msn today, maybe it’s time for you to do the same
(and by the way, that’s not particularly consoling! LOL… I don’t want to still be feeling like this in two year’s time!! )

Well, I could, but I can’t avoid coming from time to time across her nickname or a random picture thumbnail altogether anyway, nor do I think I would like to. In fact, I have a gift from her in sight range and a couple more not so far away. Save the one that’s always been where it is, I try to avoid any contact with the rest, but I can’t get myself to throw stuff out - even if I don’t need to talk to her, wouldn’t like to be with her again unless some things changed. What remains is some of the plain human closeness and goodwill that was there despite the fighting and despite the emo stuff of the romance as well. We were first of all great friends, although it was more in a certain feeling than in actual service of years. Guess I’ll have to set letters to fire and distribute the rest among people or lock it in some box. Hasn’t been necessary so far since there’s no one in the picture anyway. The point I was making is that feelings take a long time to forget someone. Sometimes people have to avoid a love interest from the past for many years for the sake of their marriage. Don’t know how long it’s going to take for you with Richard, nor do I want to take guesses, but I don’t really think it’s going to take a shorter while until you collect yourself, a bit longer one until you start noticing other guys and after some time, who knows, maybe you’ll be able to keep normal friendly contact. To finish off, paradoxically, his getting a new girlfriend may likely help you get over him. It somehow always has for me.

Hah, probably a good thing you wrote that list. Let’s get through it.
Firstly, yes, it’s difficult to believe you’re better off without someone you care for. Generally, if you care for someone, you don’t calculate, which is why you don’t think in “better off” categories.

His friendship with that strange man may reflect the lonerlike aspect of his nature, together with some dysfunctional background. Perhaps those two had something in common. Bad influence is a problem, of course. Any influence is a problem to the other person in the relationship. From my experience, people can’t really bear with the influence religion has on us. That’s not just good or bad, it’s influence outside our control on someone we care for and someone with whom our live is intertwined. My ex couldn’t handle that. I couldn’t handle certain aspects of her parents’ influence.

The rest does hint of somewhat antisocial tendencies in your ex. No need to delve into details.

What’s wrong with you? You’re just missing him. For the future, learn and don’t fall for strong jaw and bad attitude again.

 

[BamaRider]

Just thought I would continue with my post a bit . I’m partly doing this for myself I must admit just to see it in black and white, but I want to write down all the reasons that we broke up… I’m pretty sure that most people looking at the list will tell me I’m better off without him and that’s what I need to hear as it’s surprisingly difficult to believe - even despite all the problems, I hoped we would work it out & I still have so many good memories too in with the bad.
Anyway here is my list, some of it is rather shocking

He this really close friendship with an eccentric older man - not a horrible person but an alcoholic and chain smoker with some pretty strange ideas about things and he was very influential on Richard, which I found uncomfortable

He had a rather dysnfunctional family background (well, what’s normal anyway, I guess) with parents who were divorced and seemed to hate each other and also an almost total lack of affection growing up (the opposite to my family) - he himself as a result was also rather closed-off emotionally (even taking into account his XY genes!)

He had few if any really close friends, seemed to be so self-sufficient that he was rather a loner

He used to make money through professional gambling and running a ‘syndicate’ which (I think) wasn’t illegal but I used to worry about it

He used money that he made through this syndicate to pay a company to at least partially write his dissertation for his degree for him

He also used to get cigarettes sent in from countries where they don’t have that VAT on them and sell them off to people (hardly a master criminal but I didn’t like it)

Early in the relationship, he told me (and this is disturbing) that at the ages of about 15/16 he used to make money basically by running a porn site - I don’t know how it worked exactly, but he would post things up on there (not things he personally made or anything) and would make money from getting ‘hits’ to his website. All without his parents having a clue where this money was coming from

Not Catholic, liberal views on most things

The relationship was sexually active

I believe (but am not 100% sure) that he cheated on me once towards the end of the relationship

Towards the end we were arguing a lot, I was really stressed about it all the time and didn’t like myself for the way I was behaving

Didn’t want to settle down and (towards the end) he openly told me that he was very curious about what it must be like with other women and that he felt he hadn’t had enough fun and adventures before meeting me

Anyway there it is… my rubbish relationship in black and white… still miss him though… what’s wrong with me??

Sheeeeeeeesh. I know its none of my business sweetie, but I’m thinkin ALOT of prayers were answered by those in YOUR family when you cut* this *guy loose.

What ya need to do now is get back in circulation, call some friends and go do sumptin fun.

If ya sit around and think about this stuff (what he’s doin, who he’s with etc) it will drive ya crazy.

I’d look at this way Blue, he’s HER problem now.:thankyou:

 

[blue_skies_1]

Sheeeeeeeesh. I know its none of my business sweetie, but I’m thinkin ALOT of prayers were answered by those in YOUR family when you cut* this *guy loose.

What ya need to do now is get back in circulation, call some friends and go do sumptin fun.

If ya sit around and think about this stuff (what he’s doin, who he’s with etc) it will drive ya crazy.

I’d look at this way Blue, he’s HER problem now.:thankyou:

Thank you BamaRider! I appreciate your directness very much
Well my dad has no clue about any of this stuff & my mum knew slightly more but I kept it pretty quiet not wishing to ruin his rep with my family… until today when I did tell my mum & she is now very pleased we’ve broken up!! Which helps me to feel certain too… somehow I really struggle to make any decisions without outside ‘approval’.