Ex getting married, help

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Im a 58 year old born and raised Catholic. At the age of 19, I married in the Catholic Church to another baptized and raised Catholic. We were married by a Priest in front of 150 witnesses. I was not pregnant. We were married of our own free wills after attending marriage preparation classes put on by the Chu;rch. We were married for 33 years and blessed with 5 children, all were baptized in the Catholic Church and raised and educated in the Catholic schools. At the age of 51, my husband left. He would not attend counseling, talk to a Priest or get help from anyone. He has since gotten engaged to a young woman (our childrens age) that worked for him at his previous job. He still attends
church every Sunday and every holy day and receives the Sacrements. My questions are: I feel that it is morally wrong for him to remarry outside the Church without an annulment and to still receive the Sacrements. My mother wants me to go to his Priest and tell him of my husbands upcoming marriage, If I do this, I want to be able to do this for the right reasons, not because of vindictivness. Is this a mortal sin for him to remarry without an annulment and should I talk to his Priest and inform him? Is it a mortal sin for our baptized children to attend this wedding and participate in it? My mother tells me that its my obligation to get help and stop them from attending this wedding. She told me the Catholic faith says if you know a man is about to commit a sin and you do nothing to stop it, then its your sin also. Im in severe pain here because of this marriage and my loss, I need to know if my children will be committing a mortal sin by witnessing this marriage and if my ex is also committing a mortal sin. I also need to know if he could have had our marriage annuled and me not know about it. Thank-you
 
Tough situation. Here are my thoughts, and I think you may have some unanswered questions:
  1. Is he getting married in the Catholic Church?
  2. Maybe some of my ignorance regarding weddings and annulments based off your answer to #2 - Has he gotten an annulment that you don’t know about (i.e. do they tell you)? And aren’t priests supposed to be doing some basic “fact checking” on records prior to the wedding?
Based on his answers:

If he has an annullment that you don’t know about, again, there is not much you can do as he is properly disposed to re-marry. I know this sounds tough, but it is what it is.

Now, if he does not have an annulment this is where it can get confusing:
Firstly, I would inform your husband that re-marrying without an annulment is grave matter (in the eyes of the Catholic Church) and mortal sin if he goes through with it knowing it is grave matter, and does it anyway. I believe it is also grave matter (and mortal sin if he knows its wrong and does it anyway) if he goes through with the marriage and still recieves the sacraments (without proper repenting/trying not to sin again).

If your husband does not take to kindly to informing him about his possible error, I would kindly let the preist know your concerns.

If he is getting married outside of the Catholic Church, I don’t think there is much the marriage officiant can do, as they most likely don’t follow any of our rules, traditions, etc. (or else they would be Catholic).

Regarding your children - If your husband does not have an annulment, no matter where the wedding is held, I would let them know that he is still married to you in the eyes of the church. Attendence and possible involvement in such a wedding could be considered scandal which is grave matter (and mortal sin under the right conditions).
 
jrf1647 said:
…My questions are: I feel that it is morally wrong for him to remarry outside the Church without an annulment and to still receive the Sacrements. …Is this a mortal sin for him to remarry without an annulment and should I talk to his Priest and inform him? Is it a mortal sin for our baptized children to attend this wedding and participate in it? My mother tells me that its my obligation to get help and stop them from attending this wedding. She told me the Catholic faith says if you know a man is about to commit a sin and you do nothing to stop it, then its your sin also. Im in severe pain here because of this marriage and my loss, I need to know if my children will be committing a mortal sin by witnessing this marriage and if my ex is also committing a mortal sin. I also need to know if he could have had our marriage annuled and me not know about it. Thank-you
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Oh, I am so sorry and I can imagine this situation is very painful for you.

Yes, it is objectively a mortal* sin for a Catholic to marry outside the Church and to marry again without obtaining an annulment. Both actions are wrong. He should not receive the Sacraments if he proceeds with this . Rather than talking to your husband’s priest, I suggest talking with your own priest. He could help you sort through if your motivation is right and advice you in how to proceed.

As to your children, I don’t know if it’s a sin to attend the father’s non-Catholic approved wedding. It certainly puts them in an awkward situation to witness their father marrying someone their age while their mother is still alive. I’m sure some of them are in some pain regarding this situation as well, but they may fear loosing whatever is left of their relationship with their father.

I hope someone has informed him that what he’s planning to do is wrong, but not neccesarily you or your children. I have a hard time believing he doesn’t really know it’s wrong, but for a sin to be truly a mortal sin, it needs to involve serious matter and the person must have full knowledge of the gravity and give full consent of the will.
 
*You have received great advice. I just wanted to say jrf that I’m sorry you’re having to deal with this, and I’ll be praying for you.

I will also pray for your ‘ex’ because he really is lost. So is the woman he’s marrying. A woman gains nothing by stealing another woman’s husband. And your husband is gaining someone who is willing to do that, and she, a man who abandons his family No one is winning here. They’ll see that, someday.

So terribly sorry …:(*
 
I’ve been having struggles of my own deciding whether or not to attend my mother’s “wedding” because it is invalid. Of course this is your children’s decision, but the conclusion I have come to for myself is that I can’t abandon my faith or put my morals on hold for a day to stroke a parent’s ego. If your children refuse to attend the wedding it accomplishes two things: 1) they are not put in an awkward situation of causing scandal and 2) your husband may re-think his decision.

God Bless, I know this must be tough. You can check out the post where people answered my question about attending my mom’s wedding. You might find some answers there:

forums.catholic-questions.org/showthread.php?t=336016

Of if the link doesn’t work, it’s a thread under “moral theology” called “can I attend my mother’s wedding?”
 
AdriannaJean said:
I’ve been having struggles of my own deciding whether or not to attend my mother’s “wedding” because it is invalid. Of course this is your children’s decision, but the conclusion I have come to for myself is that I can’t abandon my faith or put my morals on hold for a day to stroke a parent’s ego. If your children refuse to attend the wedding it accomplishes two things: 1) they are not put in an awkward situation of causing scandal and 2) your husband may re-think his decision.

God Bless, I know this must be tough. You can check out the post where people answered my question about attending my mom’s wedding. You might find some answers there:

forums.catholic-questions.org/showthread.php?t=336016

Of if the link doesn’t work, it’s a thread under “moral theology” called “can I attend my mother’s wedding?”
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You stole my PS 👍

You can’t force your ex not to go through with this or your children not to go. I think the only thing you can do is talk to your priest for some advice and talk to your ex/children.
 
should I talk to his Priest and inform him?
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Yes, absolutely - and never mind the reason. Don’t scruple with yourself over whether you are “being vindictive” - just let the priest know what’s going on. He’ll know what to do next - don’t worry about that part.

His priest needs to know what is going on with him in his spiritual life, and it is absolutely the priest’s business and right, to know this information about your husband, if he is to shepherd his soul in the manner fitting his office as priest.
 
jrf1647 said:
Im a 58 year old born and raised Catholic. At the age of 19, I married in the Catholic Church to another baptized and raised Catholic. We were married by a Priest in front of 150 witnesses. I was not pregnant. We were married of our own free wills after attending marriage preparation classes put on by the Chu;rch. We were married for 33 years and blessed with 5 children, all were baptized in the Catholic Church and raised and educated in the Catholic schools. At the age of 51, my husband left. He would not attend counseling, talk to a Priest or get help from anyone. He has since gotten engaged to a young woman (our childrens age) that worked for him at his previous job. He still attends
church every Sunday and every holy day and receives the Sacrements. My questions are: I feel that it is morally wrong for him to remarry outside the Church without an annulment and to still receive the Sacrements. My mother wants me to go to his Priest and tell him of my husbands upcoming marriage, If I do this, I want to be able to do this for the right reasons, not because of vindictivness. Is this a mortal sin for him to remarry without an annulment and should I talk to his Priest and inform him? Is it a mortal sin for our baptized children to attend this wedding and participate in it? My mother tells me that its my obligation to get help and stop them from attending this wedding. She told me the Catholic faith says if you know a man is about to commit a sin and you do nothing to stop it, then its your sin also. Im in severe pain here because of this marriage and my loss, I need to know if my children will be committing a mortal sin by witnessing this marriage and if my ex is also committing a mortal sin. I also need to know if he could have had our marriage annuled and me not know about it. Thank-you
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I don’t see *anything *wrong with you talking to your Pastor about what is happening. Your Pastor should be able to help you. If you know that your husband is going to Mass, and, receiving the Sacraments; one may wonder how do you know this? It wouldn’t matter if this is going on within a Diocese or in two separate Diocese, but, obviously the Priests of one Diocese know each other either well or well enough as acquaintances since they have Diocesan-wide Masses, and they have a fellow Priest to whom they can turn to themselves, and the Bishop of course (need I explain their fellowship?) Between Dioceses, I expect there to be an ability to communicate about this, but, not as much for this reason: Your husband has his own conscience as a Confirmed Catholic. He has made the mistake of getting romantically involved with someone other than his wife, and, he may very well be in the process of getting an anullment … obviously at 19, maturity is in question … if you do as I say, that is the likely outcome of the investigation because it sounds as if your husband’s Faith is important to him. You might pat yourself on the back for not having been a factor in destroying his Faith in God. I hope that you can find peace, and, if there is that person in your life who is informing you about your husband, tell her or him to stop! He or she is getting you upset for now good reason, and, it is not your responsibility to do anything more. Your children, I believe, are safe with their Father. Anyway, it will do more harm to continue being suspicious of this woman. She is who she is. God loves her too.
 
My husband is getting married in a civil ceremony, (she doesn’t believe in anything), doesnt attend any church, etc. My children have told him repeatedly they dont want to be a part of this, his answer is either accept this or loose me from your lives. My children are all adults, they range in age from 35-22. Both his father and his sisters have told him this is wrong and against the Church, he told my son that God gave him signs that this was ok to do and that is why he is going through with this, he knows God approves of all he is doing. He told me that God approved of our divorce and applauded him for all he was doing. My ex cant talk to me, be in the same room with me, or even call our daughter,(I live with her and her family) for fear I will answer the phone, so there is no way he would listen to me. The last time I tried, he just started yelling at me that I was an evil person and that his girlfriend had told him all about me.

My concerns are his well being, and my children, if they would be commiting any sins by his literally blackmailing them to attend.

Its been very hard to get my children to attend any Church service, they are all still in shock and cant believe what their dad has done and is doing. My oldest son told me that it feels like our whole lives were lies and that his childhood doesnt exist. My mother keeps telling me to talk to my Priest, but what would that accomplish?
 
jrf1647 said:
My mother keeps telling me to talk to my Priest, but what would that accomplish?
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A great deal. He would be able to tell you how to speak to your children and get them through this with their faith intact. He would be able to find a way to get your husband the information and counselling that he needs. And he would be able to give you steps to follow in your own life, to sort everything out and get through this mess.

I agree with your mother - talk to your priest. They are trained in these things - he will know what to do.
 
*Something a priest could do, is send him a letter that he is not permitted to receive Communion. If they are being married by a JOP, or something, the priest has no ‘authority’ to really come between the union. I am hopeful however, that by you discussing this with a priest, that he would seek your husband out to talk with him. (like jmcrae suggests above)

I agree with the posters that your kids have to decide on their own. How sad that your ‘ex’ is threatening them…“either you attend this (sham) or I disown you.” :mad: I’m so sorry this is happening, it makes me want to cry. :crying:

Please know I’ll be praying for you all. *
 
jrf1647 said:
My concerns are his well being, and my children, if they would be commiting any sins by his literally blackmailing them to attend.

Its been very hard to get my children to attend any Church service, they are all still in shock and cant believe what their dad has done and is doing. My oldest son told me that it feels like our whole lives were lies and that his childhood doesnt exist. My mother keeps telling me to talk to my Priest, but what would that accomplish?
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i’m sorry to hear that you and your children are suffering so much from your ex-husband’s behavior. do you best to inform your children that their childhood wasn’t a lie. your ex’s sins in no way reflect on your family or on the church. they mustn’t blame the church. we are all sinners to different degrees and we are all part of the church. it is the church and her teachings that keep us going. tell your kids its okay to be angry with their dad, but please don’t be angry with the church. i highly recommend all of them not go to the wedding. your ex’s fiance told him all about you??? based on what? sadly this sounds like a midlife crisis for your ex. prayers to you and your family.
 
jrf1647 said:
My husband is getting married in a civil ceremony, (she doesn’t believe in anything), doesnt attend any church, etc. My children have told him repeatedly they dont want to be a part of this, his answer is either accept this or loose me from your lives. My children are all adults, they range in age from 35-22. Both his father and his sisters have told him this is wrong and against the Church, he told my son that God gave him signs that this was ok to do and that is why he is going through with this, he knows God approves of all he is doing. He told me that God approved of our divorce and applauded him for all he was doing. My ex cant talk to me, be in the same room with me, or even call our daughter,(I live with her and her family) for fear I will answer the phone, so there is no way he would listen to me. The last time I tried, he just started yelling at me that I was an evil person and that his girlfriend had told him all about me.

My concerns are his well being, and my children, if they would be commiting any sins by his literally blackmailing them to attend.

Its been very hard to get my children to attend any Church service, they are all still in shock and cant believe what their dad has done and is doing. My oldest son told me that it feels like our whole lives were lies and that his childhood doesnt exist. My mother keeps telling me to talk to my Priest, but what would that accomplish?
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Blackmail… Eeeek!
 
she had only met me once, but she told him I was a wicked witch and that he should get away from me.(this according to him) from other people that worked with both of them, she went around telling people to help her get him away from me because I was evil and that he was trapped by his marriage. I cant tell you how many people told me about them early on and that he (my ex) was going through some sort of crisis but he had a little help to ease his problems. Im not excusing my ex, he could have turned from her also, but it wasnt what he wanted to do. It was easier for him to listen to her rubish about me then to go get the help he needed. His parents,sisters and our children all tried to get him to go talk to some one, but to no avail. He believes what he believes.
 
Bottom line here as I see it, is that whatever your EX does is HIS business. If you are divorced, even though you may not have wanted it, he is responsible for his own actions. Pray for him, but other than that, he can do what he wants.
 
jrf1647 said:
she had only met me once, but she told him I was a wicked witch and …
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The additional details in your more recent posts sound even uglier than your first. Yet never doubt that God can take ugly things and make them beautiful. Remember How God used the Crucifixion to bring about the Ressurection.

Often choices in life produce their own consequence and punishments. Your husband has made some bad choices that cause those people around Him to suffer. Offer up that suffering for him and his salvation, just as Jesus did for us on the cross. Your husband will likely one day very soon share in some of the suffering because of his decision to leave you and re-marry another. Suffering in this life often brings conversion.

If there is anything going on with your husband such as mental illness or brain damage, God will not hold him as responsible for his actions–(let’s leave that judgement for God to sort out.)

Husbands and wives help each other grow in holiness. In the eyes of God, this man is still your husband, and this current ugly situation he created gives you much opportunity to grow in holiness. Prayers that you stay strong through it all and prayers for your children.
 
This situation makes me so sad for you. I’m so sorry that you’re having to go through this! I don’t have any advice to offer, as I’m still single myself. But I did want to answer your question about if it’s possible for him to obtain an annulment without you knowing about it. The answer is no. I’m on the RCIA team at my parish, and often have to help people who are seeking annulments prior to being Confirmed, etc. The Tribunal goes to great lengths to investigate marriages, and that includes contacting the other spouse. At the very least, you would have received a letter from them asking you to contact them with regard to the annulment.

I would encourage you to talk to your Pastor about this. He’ll be able to give you guidance about how to talk to your children and what to do about your ex continuing to receive sacraments. I hope that in time your pain will begin to fade. God bless you! :hug1:
 
Katie1723 said:
Bottom line here as I see it, is that whatever your EX does is HIS business. If you are divorced, even though you may not have wanted it, he is responsible for his own actions. Pray for him, but other than that, he can do what he wants.
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I have to disagree here. Even though they may be civilly divorced, they are still married in God’s eyes. And what I’ve been taught is that it is a spouse’s primary duty to do the best they can to get their spouse into heaven. In this case it would mean trying to prevent him committing a mortal sin.
 
thank you so much for all of your responses, I have to agree with the last response, this is at least where my confussion lies. I will always love this man, I grew up with him, was married for 33 years and gave him 5 children, its just his actions I dont like. I still feel responsible for him, even though he is 58 years old. I believe in my heart that he doesnt know the consequences of his actions, but I also feel that I cant let him keep on blackmailing our children the way he does. I think I will go to my parish priest and let him lead me to the right decisions in this situation. I ask for your prayers that this will work its self out in the way God has chosen for all of our lives and that I dont try to impart my feelings to our children. Thank you all again.
 
While your priest cannot prevent the marriage if it is taking place outside the Church, he can and should be told, in order that he can at least advise the husband not to receive communion.

If the OP knows of his plans, presumably others in the parish do too, so it potentially would cause scandal for him to receive.

Interesting that he won’t listen to his own family either - sounds like his heart is very hard, and he and your children will need much prayer.
 
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