EX-Girl friend (not sure what forum to ask on)

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A_Dancer_Whirls

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Hi all,

I am not currently religious, but i see this as a community that i can take advice and guidance from. So i hope you don’t mind me asking for some guidance…

I split up from my ex 5 years ago but i loved her and have done since. I loved her as a partner and equally as a friend, my best friend. To cut a long story short we have still been very close for the last five years, but recently i have realised that although she is my best friend i still have to many feelings for her.

So the question is… do i bury my feeling and keep my best friend, or do i cut contact and lose the best friend i have ever had and try to move on with my life?

I see this as a lose lose situation 😦 any advice would be greatly appreciated… Thanks.

ADW.

PS. there is no option of getting back together.
 
WHy is getting back together not an option? Are either of you married?
 
You should cut off all contact and move on with your life. You’ve probably had many great memories together, and cherish them. If there is no chance of getting back together… Could you ever really think of her as just a friend? After all you’ve been through together? It’s been 5 years also, this isn’t a recent break-up

If you want to meet other girls they don’t want an ex-girlfriend in the picture. Even as friends.
 
That’s tough 😦 IMHO you should stay friends and know that these feelings of friendship will last, and be the best friend to her that you can be. It might happen that your love will diminish, but then maybe not. At least you still have your best friend, an equally great form of love. :hug1:

I would say to pray a lot. But I’ll pray for you! 🙂 And you can try too if you want. It might help you to feel better to let it off your chest and place your problems in somebody else’s hands.
 
A_Dancer_Whirls said:
Hi all,

I am not currently religious, but i see this as a community that i can take advice and guidance from. So i hope you don’t mind me asking for some guidance…

I split up from my ex 5 years ago but i loved her and have done since. I loved her as a partner and equally as a friend, my best friend. To cut a long story short we have still been very close for the last five years, but recently i have realised that although she is my best friend i still have to many feelings for her.

So the question is… do i bury my feeling and keep my best friend, or do i cut contact and lose the best friend i have ever had and try to move on with my life?

I see this as a lose lose situation 😦 any advice would be greatly appreciated… Thanks.

ADW.

PS. there is no option of getting back together.
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I am guessing there is no option of getting back together because she does not feel that way for you? Has a new boyfriend?

Good friends, especially “best friends you’ve ever had” are hard to come by in this life. I would say you should remain friends with her, but maybe pull back from her somewhat and make a greater effort to meet other women.

Once you meet other women, and once you fall in love again your feelings for her will dissipate. The best way to get over someone is to find someone new. If she’s the only woman you’re close to, of course you’re not going to get over her.
 
I’m sorry for your predicament, but you say there is no option for getting back together, which possibly means one or both of you have other commitments.
No real joy can come from betraying another person or persons, either or both partners.
Whatever joy would be overshadowed by greater and complicated hurt.

It’s really not surprising to have attraction for another, especially if there is earlier attachment…but the time is passed when you and your ex-girlfriend could have chosen to remain together. Life and choices have consequences, and all the wishing in the world doesn’t change many things. All ? of us have regrets, most of us have attraction at some time or other with someone…or many someones…we have no right to develop further relationship with, or rekindle a level of relationship with, and we have no right to disturb their conscience or unsettle their lives by even admitting we have certain attractions to.

I know it can be hard, especially if you’re lonely or not entirely satisfied in your own situation or relationship. Please show the greater love by respecting your friend’s right to a clear, undisturbed conscience and from unsettled feelings.

Actually, Charles and Diana sprang to mind. Charles and Camilla had their chance when younger. Camilla decided against marrying Charles at the time. So Charles remained ambivalent and helped to destroy a beautiful girl who really needed security and love.

I do understand, and many of us would. I also know the danger of becoming obsessed by the regret you feel…please don’t wreck yourself to any degree on this “if only”. Many people have what I think of as “a girl in white on a wharf in New York.”

I had a Professor who joined the numbers of older men who confided in me, seeming to require only that I knew and understood what they weren’t inclined to tell others…they felt there was something kind and understanding about me. I’d finished an exam, and he asked it I was going to the universtity refectory. Even honours students were scared of his mind. He had formidable intelligence and debating skills, but he told me his story, which included his egrets about his loss of faith in religion, and the above-mentioned girl in white. He was successful and had a great wife and family…but like many of us, a dream that wasn’t and would never be. And under the present circumstance, should never be.

Please deal with yourself and her with the silent and wise respect that will not leave you with other lifelong regrets.

Take care of yourself,

Trishie
 
Poor professor. I may be wrong, but I believe that’s the reason why people should either get over dreams first (well, I’m not saying complete and utter removal, I’m talking about some form of acceptance of reality) or not marry someone “second best”. This is most of the reason why I’m single now. My ex, who broke up with me 2.5 years ago (which is longer than the relationship lasted), had been one of my best friends too - and it was the longest relationship I’ve ever had. At this point, I realise that there is no future and that without some changes the relationship wouldn’t be happy, and I’m not “after” her any more. Still, there are some memories that awaken pain, there are the feelings of lost hopes and the “what ifs”. This is natural, anyway, all or most of us have some such. Then, there is that girl who was a very nice companion when we were barely adult, but ultimately nothing come out of it and the acquaintance (which didn’t merit the name of friendship at that point) ended badly. I symbolically clicked the “skip” button on her in a dating application on Facebook one time. Then, there was a girl I long had a regret over that I suppressed when being with someone else and finally when she married - I would lie if I said I were indifferent, but I have no desire to think that way about a married woman. I think I’ve got over my own “girl in white on a wharf in New York” - actually the best representation of my type of girl that I’ve ever met, actually met her at the seaside, which is kinda like a wharf… Was 20 at the time. Had to embrace her to help her walk some seven miles through sand and wind and rain when September weather got nasty on the beach when we had gone to the dunes (and I pretended I wasn’t panting when we were running uphill, even though my lungs were having it real bad). Known her for a grand total of 2 days, including the evening where I was trying to provoke 2 bigger guys into a fight as they seemed to want to trouble her and her friend… which in retrospect might well have been caused more by the fact I was being jealous. Took me a couple of years to get over that, but I still had flashbacks afterward. Sometimes I still do, even though I realise the girl wasn’t all that ready to fall for me, for a number of reasons I couldn’t properly identify when I was younger, anyway. I’d rather deal with all things like that before moving on. Ideally, one’d be free of all those things, but sometimes it isn’t humanly possible… at least not in a short time.
 
Cut contact and move on in peace. It is the healthiest option for both of you.

The next woman you date is not going to be interested in hearing about your “best friend Miss X”. Trust me on that!

While it is a painful option, it is a wise one. Comfort yourself by knowing you will see her again in a more heavenly place.
 
ljubim said:
That’s tough 😦 IMHO you should stay friends and know that these feelings of friendship will last, and be the best friend to her that you can be.
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I totally disagree with this. Their relationship is not an honest one. He always wanted more and still wants more, and is only remaining friends because of the hope of getting more. That is not an honest friendship. It’s a lie.

Cut contact, allow yourself to heal, finally, and move on. The only thing you have done by holding on is to delay your healing.
 
Working on the assumption that there are impediments to the two of you getting back together I would like to make a few observations, some in the form of questions. I will not presume to tell you what to do, only to try to answer these and think about them. There is no need to post your thoughts unless you feel it would be constructive.

Is this “friendship” making it more difficult for you have another relationship with another lady?

Do you think that if you were to seriously date or even marry another woman, having this former lover as a friend would be something she would be comfortable with?

Do you believe that there are sometimes circumstances where we need to limit or cease contact with another person because the very existence of a relationship can create negative feeling in others?

Is this continuing “friendship” limiting your ability to grow emotionally and move on with your life?

Just some things to consider.

I will add that when we rely on the Lord and can look to the firm moral teachings of the Church, answering the above questions is much easier as we have powerful, yet utterly consistent guidance. (Please note that I said easier, not easy.)
 
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