Ex girlfriend is getting married

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Four months ago, I posted this:

[ forums.catholic-questions.org/showthread.php?t=939210](http:// forums.catholic-questions.org/showthread.php?t=939210)

And this is what has happened to us since then.

Four months later, I’m still licking my wounds. At least I’m doing better than I was in January, but I’ve been brought back to Earth with the news that she’s getting married after she completes college this month.

In March, she was back in her hometown for her internship, and she received free rides to work from a soldier. After a week, she fell for him and he asked her for her hand in marriage, to which she agreed. Her parents were very skeptical at first, but after advice from a trusted neighbour who vouched in that he’s already established with a house and car, they gave their consent.

All her friends and family (at least her sister and aunt) are absolutely baffled by her decision, as the guy is way older than her, and has fathered a child from a previous relationship. She’s also decided to marry him after only few weeks of knowing him! She’s just graduated, 22 and without a job. But obviously, no one’s going to talk her out of it.

It’s another sucker punch. Why is love so cruel? This is how I get repayed for loving her sincerely for nearly a year. When we meet she never looks me in the eye, treats me with disdain, as if I never meant anything to her. She’s told her friends that she dumped me because I never took care of her needs. Funny enough she still wears the dress and handbag I bought her.

Well, I held out for reconciliation for months, but she’s moved down a different route. Best I do so as well. Even if she gave up on us, I know God will never give up on me. I don’t own a car or house, but I know I have a big heart, I’m hardworking and ambitious. Someone out there is praying for a guy like me. And although she never appreciated what I did for her, my efforts will go to someone more deserving.
 
I realize there may be some cultural issues I’m not getting, but here are some thoughts:
  1. You are a lucky, lucky, lucky, lucky guy. As we say, you dodged a bullet.
  2. Your ex-girlfriend seems to be pretty immature.
  3. I realize there are different cultural things going on, but in traditional US culture, it’s inappropriate for a woman to accept expensive gifts from a man that is not a fiance. Is it different in your culture?
  4. You can do better.
 
Xantippe said:
I realize there may be some cultural issues I’m not getting, but here are some thoughts:
  1. You are a lucky, lucky, lucky, lucky guy. As we say, you dodged a bullet.
  2. Your ex-girlfriend seems to be pretty immature.
  3. I realize there are different cultural things going on, but in traditional US culture, it’s inappropriate for a woman to accept expensive gifts from a man that is not a fiance. Is it different in your culture?
  4. You can do better.
Click to expand...
That practice is also inappropriate here. But the gifts that I referred to are gifts that I gave her during our relationship. I’ve never given her anything after we split. up.
 
altms said:
Four months ago, I posted this:

[ forums.catholic-questions.org/showthread.php?t=939210](http:// forums.catholic-questions.org/showthread.php?t=939210)

And this is what has happened to us since then.

Four months later, I’m still licking my wounds. At least I’m doing better than I was in January, but I’ve been brought back to Earth with the news that she’s getting married after she completes college this month.

In March, she was back in her hometown for her internship, and she received free rides to work from a soldier. After a week, she fell for him and he asked her for her hand in marriage, to which she agreed. Her parents were very skeptical at first, but after advice from a trusted neighbour who vouched in that he’s already established with a house and car, they gave their consent.

All her friends and family (at least her sister and aunt) are absolutely baffled by her decision, as the guy is way older than her, and has fathered a child from a previous relationship. She’s also decided to marry him after only few weeks of knowing him! She’s just graduated, 22 and without a job. But obviously, no one’s going to talk her out of it.

It’s another sucker punch. Why is love so cruel? This is how I get repayed for loving her sincerely for nearly a year. When we meet she never looks me in the eye, treats me with disdain, as if I never meant anything to her. She’s told her friends that she dumped me because I never took care of her needs. Funny enough she still wears the dress and handbag I bought her.

Well, I held out for reconciliation for months, but she’s moved down a different route. Best I do so as well. Even if she gave up on us, I know God will never give up on me. I don’t own a car or house, but I know I have a big heart, I’m hardworking and ambitious. Someone out there is praying for a guy like me. And although she never appreciated what I did for her, my efforts will go to someone more deserving.
Click to expand...
Sorry to hear this. Life can be tough. It appears that you’ve had a steep learning curve.

I’d pray for her and carry on with your own life.

If she comes back she comes back but if not she was not right for you. Don’t give it another thought. At the end of the day, it is her right to go with whom she pleases because you are not married to her, so you have no reason to keep mulling over this. It can be an emotional strain.

I’d pray the Rosary and gain some peace. And leave it. Move on, seriously. But don’t go immediately into another relationship or even dating. Take time for yourself, to focus on progressing with your life, first. When the pain stops you will feel as if you climbed a mountain and can breathe. Because dealing with things in a mature way has that effect.

Love will come about oneday when you aren’t expecting it probably, and by then, you’ll be even more sensitized from life in order to recognise the right person when they arrive into your life.

Not sure about a problem with gifts. Most people in relationships give gifts! But spoiling someone can make them a little greedy and set them a bad example. Love shouldn’t rely on giving gifts but on solid support.

Hope this helps.

F.C
 
friardchips said:
Sorry to hear this. Life can be tough. It appears that you’ve had a steep learning curve.

I’d pray for her and carry on with your own life.

If she comes back she comes back but if not she was not right for you. Don’t give it another thought. At the end of the day, it is her right to go with whom she pleases because you are not married to her, so you have no reason to keep mulling over this. It can be an emotional strain.

I’d pray the Rosary and gain some peace. And leave it. Move on, seriously. But don’t go immediately into another relationship or even dating. Take time for yourself, to focus on progressing with your life, first. When the pain stops you will feel as if you climbed a mountain and can breathe. Because dealing with things in a mature way has that effect.

Love will come about oneday when you aren’t expecting it probably, and by then, you’ll be even more sensitized from life in order to recognise the right person when they arrive into your life.

Not sure about a problem with gifts. Most people in relationships give gifts! But spoiling someone can make them a little greedy and set them a bad example. Love shouldn’t rely on giving gifts but on solid support.

Hope this helps.

F.C
Click to expand...
Thanks for your good advice. I’ve learned things the hard way indeed! What doesn’t kill you does make you stronger.
 
Be very grateful that you didn’t’ end up married to someone who didn’t love you completely.
It’s hard, but you’re right.
There’s someone else.
God bless.
 
I didn’t read your earlier thread, but just based on what you say here, I think you are better off without her. She agreed to marry a guy after one week? That just screams dysfunctional.

You’ll find the right woman when the time is right. Pray for discernment of God’s will in your life.
 
If you know how her parents, aunt and sister feel, I think that means you are spending too much time around her and her friends/family. As understandable as it is that you wanted a reconciliation, she never promised that I assume (I could read your first thread the link didn’t work)

The best way to get over someone is to cut all contact. If she won’t look you in the eye, that is a good thing. It would only get your hopes up and make you come down crashing with more pain. This has NOTHING to do with your worth as a person.

Angie
 
This too shall pass. :hug1:

Continue with your life.

I would suggest she is feeling embarrassed or guilty if she doesn’t engage you in any way and avoids you.

Next time you see her gather up the courage and approach her directly and say** “I know things did not work out between you and I but I want you to know that I wish you all the happiness and success with your choice in marriage and life. I do not harbour any ill feelings towards you and am moving on with my life.”**

I guarantee you will feel so much lighter.
 
Every time that you think about this girl, remind yourself that** there are a lot of fish in the sea.**
 
that sucks: my ex-girlfriend got married to “another”

now i am married to a wonderful woman ; i have 3 children

the holy spirit guides these things i am firmly convinced
 
altms said:
Four months ago, I posted this:

[ forums.catholic-questions.org/showthread.php?t=939210](http:// forums.catholic-questions.org/showthread.php?t=939210)

And this is what has happened to us since then.

Four months later, I’m still licking my wounds. At least I’m doing better than I was in January, but I’ve been brought back to Earth with the news that she’s getting married after she completes college this month.

In March, she was back in her hometown for her internship, and she received free rides to work from a soldier. After a week, she fell for him and he asked her for her hand in marriage, to which she agreed. Her parents were very skeptical at first, but after advice from a trusted neighbour who vouched in that he’s already established with a house and car, they gave their consent.

All her friends and family (at least her sister and aunt) are absolutely baffled by her decision, as the guy is way older than her, and has fathered a child from a previous relationship. She’s also decided to marry him after only few weeks of knowing him! She’s just graduated, 22 and without a job. But obviously, no one’s going to talk her out of it.

It’s another sucker punch. Why is love so cruel? This is how I get repayed for loving her sincerely for nearly a year. When we meet she never looks me in the eye, treats me with disdain, as if I never meant anything to her. She’s told her friends that she dumped me because I never took care of her needs. Funny enough she still wears the dress and handbag I bought her.

Well, I held out for reconciliation for months, but she’s moved down a different route. Best I do so as well. Even if she gave up on us, I know God will never give up on me. I don’t own a car or house, but I know I have a big heart, I’m hardworking and ambitious. Someone out there is praying for a guy like me. And although she never appreciated what I did for her, my efforts will go to someone more deserving.
Click to expand...
What it boils down to is, the soldier brought something to the table you didn’t, and that’s why she picked him.

From reading your posts, it sounds like you are:
Compassionate
Boring
Weak
Not Established to raise a family(no house)

The soldier sounds:
Compassionate
Exciting
Strong
Well Established to raise a family(house)

He swept her off her feet, and I fail to see the spark you gave her after many months of dating.

Do you think the soldier would throw himself a pity party on an anonymous forum if a girl dumped him? Why aren’t you saying “Wow, this soldier must have done something right. What can I learn from him?” Instead you’re saying, “I’m a nice guy, why don’t women appreciate me?”

For all this “I was the better guy” and “She never appreciated me”. Stop It. Now. Quit feeling sorry for yourself and learn from your mistakes. Of course she treats you with disdain. You’re old news and she knows you’re looking for something she can’t give you, and you don’t deserve…

If this sounds harsh, it’s for good reason. I spent a half-a-decade with this mentality, and never realized how unattractive and entitled it was. Don’t make the same mistakes I did.
 
Many uncharitable thoughts in your head, many thoughts of “why me?” and so forth as well. I know, I’ve been there. What was done is done, it’s time for you to move on, for you to get her out of your head, for you to stop pining after her. Also don’t go near her family anymore, it is completely finished with her and the sooner you realize that the better off you will be. Given how she treated you, why would you even consider taking her back?

Take the high road, let no bitter words pass from your lips nor words of self pity. When praying, turn it all over to the Lord. A difficult part of maturing is learning how to deal with these situations, how to not let yourself stay in the self pity party for too long afterwards.
 
The link to previous history of relationship won’t open so I am jumping in mid-stream. Would you like a bit of feedback from LaLa? If not, just delete.

“After a week, she fell for him and he asked her for her hand in marriage, to which she agreed”

He is in the military? In one week, he wants to marry someone he doesn’t know at all; nor, does she know anything about him. How can you know this person is the ONE in such a short time? (I smell abuser, controller, or low self esteem on his part; she is loving a whirlwind; flattered that someone wants her so badly; I question her family background and his. Needy on both sides.

“Her parents were very skeptical at first, but after advice from a trusted neighbor who vouched in that he’s already established with a house and car, they gave their consent.”
So mom and dad sold out their daughter for a house and a car. That’s who taught her life values? That’s all they want is a house and a car. Exactly what kind of ‘trailer trash’ are we talking about?

Here is my question to you: What RED FLAGS did you see about her in the relationship that you ignored? She had to show you who she was. What did you miss?

LaLa
 
Yes, I would concur that you dodged a bullet (even though it probably feels like you took a bullet at the moment). I went through something similar in college (10 month relationship followed by her getting engaged 3-4 months later). It stung, but in retrospect it all worked out much better for both of us. That may not make it easier to go through, but you can at least have hope that it will get better.
 
The hard part will be if this marriage fails(which is likely for any marriage based on a short term courtship) you will be tempted to try and pick her up on the rebound. Don’t.
 
Lots going on in your posts:
altms said:
…She’s told her friends that she dumped me because I never took care of her needs. Funny enough she still wears the dress and handbag I bought her…
Click to expand...
  1. Have you been seeking out this information from the tale-bearers, or did they come to you? Make it your policy that you do not listen to gossip, even when it is about you.
  2. Don’t put a lot of weight in what made-up reason someone gives to people who want information that is not any of their business.
  3. Learn right now that when a woman talks about having her needs met, it means one of three things.
    –The trivial answer is that she isn’t inclined to be with you no matter what you do, and that is just a off-hand way of putting the blame on you. If there is nothing you can do to please someone, then let them go and don’t overthink it. You can’t make every woman want you, most of the time you can’t even make the majority of women want you, and once you are married you will realize what a tremendous mercy it is when you are not among those few who attract more attention than they can possibly put to good use.
    –Let’s go with the two possibilities that you need to keep in mind: Either her answer is in your wallet–in which case you need to run for your life–or the answer she refers to is not in your wallet–in which case you need to drop this idea that a dress and a handbag are any evidence that you were meeting the needs she is referring to.
    Even Our Father in Heaven says, “It is mercy, and not sacrifice, that I desire.” A true relationship is not about financial gifts, but about self-gift. Those are two very different things.
Resolve that whatever happens you will not consent to get back together with this woman. Just don’t. Trust us all on that one. We have left youth behind, alas: You may as well get some use out of the miles that life has put on us.
altms said:
Four months later, I’m still licking my wounds. At least I’m doing better than I was in January, but I’ve been brought back to Earth…It’s another sucker punch. Why is love so cruel? This is how I get repayed for loving her sincerely for nearly a year…she’s moved down a different route. Best I do so as well…my efforts will go to someone more deserving.
Click to expand...
These are the over-dramatic thoughts that we think when we put unrealistic expectations on the process of courtship. The truth is more banal. Sometimes it works out, sometimes it doesn’t, and this is true even when both parties will make someone else very nice spouses some day. It feels like a huge disaster that this courtship didn’t work out, but this is because you expected that it probably would. Most courtships do not lead to marriage, and that is even true when two people who are both well-suited for marriage engage in courtship. Let go of the expectation that love is cruel or has “wronged you” if your desire for marriage to some particular person does not in fact lead to marriage. The person wronging you is you. You are making yourself promises that neither God nor life nor love ever made to you. Although the romantic notions of our times encourage this kind of self-deception, the expectation is, in the end, coming from you. You have the power to stop expecting what you are expecting. Lose that expectation, then. It is not rooted in the truth and so it can only harm your chances of finding the spouse you want to find.

Don’t get me wrong…we all feel hurt when a courtship doesn’t work out, or at least we do if we put our hearts into it. You’re not wrong for feeling hurt. You weren’t wrong to put your heart into that courtship You’re mistaken for blaming “love” that courtship is a contact sport that ought to be expected to cause some bruising. It is a vale of tears; we don’t go through it in bubble wrap, and that’s just the way it is.
 
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