Ex-Girlfriend Probs!

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catholiccraig

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Hey everyone,

I (Catholic) just broke up with my girlfriend (Protestant) a few weeks ago, and we parted on ok terms at first, but I told her I need time to heal before I could see or talk to her again, but still would like to be her friend (we dated for almost a year) and she constantly texts and emails me about how cruel it is to ignore her and even how I “don’t give a **** about her” which is really farthest from the truth. At first she was ok with a casual e-mail every now and then for our relationship for a while, but every other minute she becomes the opposite. I’ve explained several times that I need this time apart…

Here’s the current dilema, we’ve e-mail a few times since and talked about religion a little bit and she has misconceptions about the Church and tried to explain why she doesn’t think Christ could be in the Eucharist. I’ve resolved to stop talking to her because she quoted a lot of Bible verses about love and saying that I’m a cruel person who never loved her biblically because we broke up. Should I respond and correct the misconceptions she has about the Church? I don’t know how to explain any further than I have (in over 3 hours of conversation) why I broke up with her and I have no idea how to explain why I need time to heal like I feel like I do, and I’ve told her that. Here’s some of the e-mail.

I do believe it is possible that when Christ was physically present, it may have become his actual body and blood. I believe that when Christ was ascended into heaven and he gave us the holy spirit, that is how he is one in us. That’s why I believe he said what he did there.
Do you not believe that you have to attend mass for Christ to re-dwell in you each time? Christ doesn’t need a physical medium to be in us - thats what the holy spirit IS. As for that, what about the secret underground Christians in China…they don’t go to mass every sunday, but I dont believe they are sinning or have Christ in them any less than a weekly catholic? What about the people who don’t go to church but read their Bible, pray, and love and help others daily following the commandments Christ laid out? To me, they are much more of a Christian than someone who just goes to church every sunday! Also I noticed, I never felt welcome in the catholic church… I did by you and your family, but very few people seemed happy to be there…as if they were there merely out of obligation and fear of hell… church is a priviledge, not an obligation! I’ll try to have a few more verses next time …
Also, I would like to ask, is there a reason you still ignore me when I text you? I’m having trouble believing anything you ever were/said was truth. You told me you’d always be my friend and always be there for me and care for me… i trusted you wholly and without doubt… but you’re not…you’ve treated me like I am someone that you need healing from, as if I haven’t given you everything I could possibly have given you in the past 11 months… as if I have caused YOU pain when all I’ve ever tried to do is help you… i’ve done all i can to love you as christ would have me to love you… but all i feel from you is … well not christ’s love…? I’m just trying to understand what happened to you… one day you love me, the next you never want to see/talk to me again?? i know we’re not in a relationship anymore, but even friendship, heck even just sharing God as our father should be more than that? I’ve been disappointed in the past, thats for sure, so I’m pretty numb to the experience…but I really, truely never expected this from you… I guess thats why its such a shcok… I just don’t understand how someone who says they love God and loves one of his children can just abandon/ignore and feel justified? Again, I’m not trying to make you feel bad…I’m just trying to understand if you really are/want to be a strong Christian brother/friend like you once said you were/did want to be? I remember being so excited to have someone in my life who cared about my soul and who I believed was trustworthy… I was always there whenever you needed and still am… I did however grow much closer to God’s heart in the pain he feels from us treating him and others in an unloving manner… I am not/was never perfect…but I do believe I love(d) as selflessly as I could possibly do? I’m just still in shock at how you treated/are treating me and still trying to make sense of it when it contradicts everything I thought I knew of you… but its hard to be friends with someone who ignores you and doesnt want the same? friendship is just as two sided as any other relationship… and honestly, i just miss the friendship of who i thought you were (and may still be) from the person i believed really did care? maybe you just don’t know how to show it or don’t want to or really don’t care??

Thanks to anyone who took the time to read! I know it was long.
 
She is obviously hurting and that is clouding her judgment right now. She is emotionally attached to you and does not want to let go. But judging by the email (which you shouldn’t really have posted, BTW) I’m saying that its time to be honest.

So I would say, just answer her questions with honesty. Tell her why you are ignoring her texts, that you asked to be away for awhile and you can’t do that if you respond to texts. God gave us free will so that we could choose to love him or not, and that love is only possible and true when a person freely chooses it. And what love is is to will the best for another. So truly, if she were to will what is best for you, she needs to let you be alone for awhile with no texts.

Tell her how your reasons for everything. Try to be empathetic and not too blunt or callous. Really think about your feelings before you decide what to tell her. She deserves to know the truth, and the time to tell her is right now so that she too can make her own decisions. That’s justice.

It seems that your faith issues are irreconcilable. Always keep in mind that the purpose of dating is only for discerning marriage, and the purpose of marriage is primarily for raising children, and if your Catholic faith is the most important thing for you (which it should be) then you should insist on raising your kids Catholic. She is probably not going to like that.

In the future, try not to raise the passions in any relationship. It creates a bond that is hard to break, and this can be a danger to your salvation if you get emotionally dragged into a bad relationship. St. Alphonsus de Liguori, the moral doctor of the church, states that raising the passions outside of marriage is a mortal sin. Now you can probably see why. (Just assuming that you may have done this because of the intensity of her reaction to you).
 
It sounds to me like she’s trying to use God as a way to get you to keep talking to her. She has certain expectations as to how a Christian will act, and maybe you don’t fulfill every perfect detail, but you’re as close as she’s found, so she’s trying to use God and religion to guilt you into staying in touch in hope that something will happen.

If it were me, I would send one last email that said "I’m sorry ________, but I don’t think either of us are getting anything further from this relationship right now. I won’t be responding to any more emails. If you have questions about The Church there are numerous websites out there that can help you. If you feel like I’m ignoring you or behaving as a Christian shouldn’t, well, I don’t have any power over your perceptions. I wish you all the best.

Ad Jesu per Mariam,
_______________"

And then don’t respond anymore. It may sound harsh, but that’s for the best to make sure she really understands that there is no future here.

If you secretly want there to be a future, that’s going to come through in how you write, and ultimately will wind up hurting you and her as you lead her on. Make it a very clean, and very firm, break.
 
No, do not reply. It will probably end badly. And I do, sadly, speak from experience.

Her misconceptions can be answered by any Catholic or any reasonably thorough search of the CCC. Without knowing in detail why you broke up, I strongly advise you to dow hat you are doing and let it be for a long time. My honest suggestion is forever, but that is most likely not what you want to hear. After three years of what you are dealing with, I finally had to cut all ties with an ex of mine.

If she calms down and comes to realize that the relationship is over and that you will be friends, everything will be ok. Otherwise you just need to avoid the situation. Miss-placed guilt is not a good thing.

FSC
 
Craig, m’boy. Let an old geezer give you some friendly advice.

The real object of “dating” is to discern whether the two people dating might be the right match for marriage. “No” is just as valid an answer as “Yes.” Once it’s “No,” though, it’s time to cut the cord and go on with your lives. Anything else is a waste of both time for both of you and is kind of cruel because it just drags the agony out. Like messing with a loose tooth. Just pull the thing! If marriage is the vocation God has in mind for both of you, and either has decided that the other isn’t the “right one,” then to continue to foster the relationship is wasting time that could be better spent. Seriously. A one year relationship, though, isn’t just as easy to walk away from as a one week relationship, of course. But it needs to be done. Time will take care of the rest.

Go to Confession, if you need to. Get as right with God as you possibly can be, and pray to Him and ask Him to send you the person HE wants you to marry. OR, maybe to show you the vocation HE has in mind for you (religious life?). Go to daily Mass, if you can find the time, etc.

If we do God’s will, things go well. If we do our will, things almost always end up a mess.

So, do yourself and her a favor, and cut her off…completely. Nicely, but completely. Maybe send her a final e-mail, explaining that you wish the very best for her, that she’ll find someone who is much more her match, etc., but you both need to move on with your lives. That’ll give her the closure she needs to move on.

And be happy. God loves you both! He has something special in mind for you. 🙂
 
Now is not the time to correct her theological misconceptions. I can’t see how doing such would do anything but make the situation worse (on all fronts).

If you succeed in remaining friends, my hat is off to you. It’s not an easy thing to do. You are absolutely right that you need that time apart if you hope to ever be friends again, but it’s much easier to understand that for the dumper than the dumpee (speaking as a former dumpee :o).

My opinion (for what it’s worth) is that you need to be clear and firm about the rules of conduct moving forward: No communication at all for [fill in the blank] amount of time (you might try a month). If you have to, let her know that you don’t even plan on checking your email before then (if that’s possible). Then, maybe you can call her or meet for coffee or something. Coming from someone who was always the dumpee, I really think the dumper needs to set the date and or means for communication to resume. If you leave it ambiguous or up to the dumpee, it’s too easy for them to send those emails because they think “This is a legitimate reason to talk to my ex.”

When you spend so much time learning to be a “couple”, you need to re-learn what it’s like to be single before you can properly interact with your ex. Perhaps it’s not that way with everyone , but that was the case for me. It is difficult (especially for the dumpee), but necessary to be apart. Those I know who have not had this “apart” time have wound up in painful on-again-off-again relationships or other equally painful situations. It just makes the break-up that much worse. A clean break is best.

Again, all this is just my opinion. :o
 
Thank you all for the replies and your opinions, keep 'em coming! You’re all much smarter than me relationship-wise, I believe.

Btw when I put I don’t give a **** about you in the e-mail, it wasn’t the “f word”…just thought i’d clarify. It was something much more mild.
 
Obviously, this girl is not THE ONE and it is time for you to move on. Do not reply to her emails, do not take her calls. unfriend her on Facebook, avoid the places you think she will be for the next few months, and do not discuss her or your relationship with her with anyone. This will most likely tick her off in the begining, but soon she will realize that you are serious and the break up is permanent and move on with her life also.
 
As others have said, a clean break is the way to go here. You are not personally responsible for teaching her about the Catholic faith. I had similar thoughts when I broke up with a Protestant man a few years ago, and I prayed about it. I felt the Lord say to my heart, “I love [ex-bf], too, you know.” So I prayed, telling God that I was turning this guy over to Him to deal with as He sees fit, and then I quit worrying about it. The Holy Spirit will take over where you left off with this girl, just as He took over with my ex-bf.

It sounds like she is still trying to hold onto you, and she needs to know that it is OVER. I second what the others have said about maybe sending one last “goodbye, good luck and God bless” email, and then no more communication. She is obviously not getting the message the way things are right now.
 
what i think is if she is not going to understand or give you your space then you should just tell her " hey this needs to stop i have to think about some stuff and then after we can talk" and be done with it its not like what you are asking for is a lot and i dont believe you are doing any thing wrong ps she seems a little/a lot in love with you so after you think about your stuff you should really try and talk to her ( not saying that u were not trying be for )

😃 good luck
 
Hey Craig,

Here is my opinion to do with as you want. I would NOT send her one last email. If she didn’t respect the first time you asked for space, she will not respect it now. And by sending here an email you are proving you don’t mean it when you say ‘No more contact’. Action speaks louder words. Act the ‘no more contact out’. And unfortunetely, this could mean you will have to give up the ‘we can be friends after a while’. The answer to that one is ‘Only if it is God’s will, we can be friends again’. Personally, I think that being friends with your ex will turn the next girl off.

Now, you can NOT control HER reaction. If she wants to twist bible verses to her advantage to prove you wrong… It is her mistake (and time to waste). having decided to break up with her, you have given up all rights to care how she spends her time.

You can only control YOUR reactions. And I have a question for you to ask yourself in front of the mirror when you are in private. Do you secretly enjoy her emails? A way to know she still loves you in case you change your mind? A way to feel superior that she was not the one who wanted to end it? To be honest, I have trouble believing when someone dumps their ex, they are concerned about how the ex reacts. It seems to me that people who try to help their ex have a hidden agenda (ie use the ex as an ego boots). I am not judging you for your actions, I am simply trying to point out a mind game a lot of people accidentally fall into.

By the sounds of it, you are both fairly young. It seems like one of thoses life’s lesson’s you are both learning

CM
 
I actually do care a great deal, though I don’t communicate it well perhaps. I can’t stand the e-mails, so I didn’t even read the last one. It’s tougher for her than for me I think, but it’s been pretty difficult. I feel terrible about the whole ordeal and really hate how much this obviously hurts her. However, it must be done. I did write one more e-mail but got this:

“I honestly don’t know if I want to be friends with someone who can be so careless and sensitive in regards to their ‘friends’ or anyone for that matter… I’ve tried so hard to be your friend and all you’ve been is callously mean and hurtful… I do want to remain friends and still discuss God (I’ve been doing a lot of studying lately with lots of new insights and revelations and even emailed you some verses), but I do have standards for friendships… and treating someone so hatefully is not up to par with me… It really is all up to you as to whether we are friends, but I’ve gathered from your actions (which scream way louder than words) that you have no true desire for that. You may get upset when I say that you are uncaring… but having seen your actions… you really don’t even try to care that that is how you are portraying yourself… your response is simply to avoid and ignore… to run away… I am a dependable, LOYAL friend and demand the same in return to some small extent at least… I’ve tried so hard to believe and honestly wish I could believe that you aren’t as your actions have portrayed you… the way you’ve treated me has just went against everything you’ve ever promised me/told me about yourself and about what a Christian should be that it is hard to comprehend all the deceit surrounding everything I knew of you… 2 Corinthians 6:3 says “We put no stumbling block in anyone’s path, so that our ministry will not be discredited.” I believe this includes intentionally causing pain in another’s life with absolutely no regard to them and God’s command to actively love others… I’m afraid, at this point anyway, your ministry has been incredibly discredited with me…”

Ughhh, i feel like i’m not handling this well, but my last message let her know one more time that i need some time away from her. The one I sent was

“I still care about you, but I really do need this time apart for healing. I hope that we can still be friends and talk, if you still would want to, after I take the time I need. I’ll always care and will keep you in my prayers”

Do I keep it cut off?

Thanks guys, you’re really helping me through this.
 
So you are “callously mean and hurtful” because you are not caving in to her demands? :rolleyes: Granted, she is lashing out in hurt and anger right now, but with things the way they are, I don’t think there is much hope of being friends. She is also using religion to try to manipulate you. She wants to be friends on HER terms without regard to YOUR needs, and that’s not what true friendship is about. Do you keep it cut off? Yes, unless you want to keep dealing with her accusations, demands for attention, and denial that you two are finished. If she is going to bad-mouth you, twist what you say, and make false accusations, so be it; let her blab all over town how “terrible” you are…but she is only making herself look pathetic by doing this.

If she were truly interested in being your friend, she would give you the space you need to move on with your life. She is obviously not mature enough to do this. If I were in your shoes, I would not respond to any more calls, texts, emails, or other attempts to communicate with you. Hang in there and be strong.
 
I’m going to be blunt: THIS GIRL WAS ME. Like 2 years ago. God Bless my boyfriend for staying with me through all of that. IMO, this should just end. You have copy pasted your response to her, as well as HER response, and it’s clear to those of us on the outside that you are NOT treating her as she is accusing you of. It is my guess that she is either A) VERY MUCH misunderstanding your words or B) desperately holding on to you in any way that she can by accusing you of these things, and portraying herself as the perfect Christian partner. I have to say, I think this is a guilt trip for sure. I’m sorry 😦 I would recommend cutting ties. It’s weird for me to say that, since I’ve been through this on the other side, but can you honestly say that this whole situation is bettering your relationship with God? If not, it’s not beneficial to you. God Bless, and many prayers your way.
 
Thanks everyone. You all helped me, every post was just very helpful. I’ve ignored texts and emails for a couple weeks now…but had to text back today

she text me saying things about how i shouldn’t treat one of God’s children this way and asked if I even cared that God dissapproves of what i’m doing.

She went to visit her friend this weekend and said she needs a good friend to talk to, but it was between a bunch of accusations like the ones mentioned above. One of her friends is suicidal she says, and another’s cancer is getting worse. So if we could pray for those two that would be great.

I just can’t seem to get her to stop acting this way…
 
Good job ignoring her for as long as you did, but don’t encourage her bad behavior by responding.

Can you set up your email and phone to have her messages silently filtered into the trashbin?
 
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