Ex-husband wrote

[iluvmybabies]

Good day, most of you know my situation with my exhusband, some may not…but after several months and weeks of not hearing from him, after he admitted he was working again…AND me letting child support services know about it and demanding they help me… They finally started taking money out of his paycheck…I still haven’t received anything but I know they did because he wrote to me stating he was willing to surrender his parental rights because I don’t let him live!!!

He hasn’t seen his kids going on 4 years now…Doesn’t even send them a card or anything…Hasn’t written for a while except to tell our daugther that he knows she hates him for all the wrong reasons but that he loves her anyway!!! And writes to me to tell me off and call me everything he feels like…

He is enjoying his life so much making 3 times what I make, for himself, that when they take away to come out matching all of us, which is 170 dollars a week per person, to live off of, he starts harassing me…AND now he says he’s willing to surrender his parental rights because I take all the money from him?

He hasn’t paid a single penny in months, and even when I asked for his help for our children’s First Holy Communion he said he would send me some money and never did, he still has the guts to tell me I am not letting him live?

I looked through the child support service page to find out how many months this man has actually paid, and in a period of almost 4 years he has sent partial child support for 16-17 months…That is it and not even full child support…I think full child support was for like 2-4 months if that at all…

How will tell my children that their father doesn’t want to be their father any more? How do I tell them they are fatherless? Or going to be? How do I explain to my ADD child, whom his father hasn’t given a **** about anyhow…That he doesn’t have a father? How do I change my kids’ names to my last name and explain the reason why???

Does anyone know the process of parent’s surrendering their rights and what needs to be done or what needs to happen? Even how name changes can be made?

I don’t know the whole process, and I am disappointed and confused all at once. With so much going on, my parents telling me I have to move back…Then threatened by my mother that in a few months my father will come and get me, and ADD son without his counseling getting himself into more problems, then exlandlord sending me to court, again, dealing with bronchittis and sinus infection for 5 weeks, trying to be supportive to my bf during job hunting, trying to keep my family together, and now this?

I don’t know what to do…A friend of mine advised for me to make a prayer box, just did it today… I am very down and feel depressed, don’t even want to work, but because I have missed work all ready can’t even catch up to my bills, I can’t stop working…There are times I just want to crawl under a rock and die, but of course I just try to pray and get myself going…thanks to GOD though let me tell you otherwise I would have withered away a long long time ago…

Any advice is greatly appreciated…God bless…

 

[kage_ar]

Speak to a professional - you need to talk to someone who has BTDT and can give you real facts. Catholic Charities at your Diocese has all sorts of resources, call them today.

If nothing else, call Dr. Laura’s Radio show to get started.

The one bit of advice I can give you, never let your children hear you talk bad about their father. This is a grown up mess between the two of you, you do not tell them about it.

Don’t tell them about child support, about parental rights. When they are adults and if they ask you can tell them what happened. I am not a lawyer, but, I do not think anything has to be done to the children’s names. Their names are their names.

If he does surrender his rights, you change your phone number and email. You never call him again, you never contact him again. When the kids ask, say honestly “I don’t know when he is going to come or call”.

Prayers for you, it will be hard to protect your kids from this ugliness, but, I will pray you are strong enough to do it.

 

[whatevergirl]

*Your ex is something else. I’m so sorry! A lady I work with actually went through this last year with her ex…same thing, he refused to pay child support…took up with another woman…and abandoned his kids. He kept jerking her around, and finally she ASKED HIM to relinquish his rights. She never told her kids, I dont believe–they are older…one is in her 20’s, the other are late teens. The son had cancer, and her reasoning was that if he ever needed care and she dies someday, she was worried that her ex would not give him the care he needed, so she wanted his rights removed. He hadn’t seen the kids in years, or called them. I will ask her what she went through. It was a few court appearances, as I recall…and your ex has to show. I will keep you in my prayers. If he wants to relinquish his rights as a dad, there isn’t much you can do, but he will live to regret it. I will get back to you in a pm with what happens in cases like this. *

 

[Orogeny]

I’m not sure and I certainly am not a lawyer (I didn’t even stay at Holiday Inn Express last night!), but I don’t think he can get out of paying court-ordered child support by simply deciding to give up parental rights.

Peace

Tim

 

[1ke]

How will tell my children that their father doesn’t want to be their father any more? How do I tell them they are fatherless? Or going to be? How do I explain to my ADD child, whom his father hasn’t given a **** about anyhow…That he doesn’t have a father? How do I change my kids’ names to my last name and explain the reason why???

Does anyone know the process of parent’s surrendering their rights and what needs to be done or what needs to happen? Even how name changes can be made?

He cannot simply “surrender” his parental rights to avoid paying child support. It doesn’t work that way.

You’ve worked yourself up into a frenzy. Stop!

Give all correspondence he sends you to your lawyer, and let your lawyer handle it. Don’t interface with him. Don’t argue, write back, or contact him. Simply turn it all over to the lawyer.

He cannot simply stop paying child support by saying he “surrenders” his parental rights. He has parental responsibilities, and the court can enforce them.

I don’t know the whole process, and I am disappointed and confused all at once. With so much going on, my parents telling me I have to move back…Then threatened by my mother that in a few months my father will come and get me, and ADD son without his counseling getting himself into more problems, then exlandlord sending me to court, again, dealing with bronchittis and sinus infection for 5 weeks, trying to be supportive to my bf during job hunting, trying to keep my family together, and now this?

You are an adult. Your parents cannot threaten you with anything, cannot make you do anything, cannot “come and get” you.

 

[iluvmybabies]

Speak to a professional - you need to talk to someone who has BTDT and can give you real facts. Catholic Charities at your Diocese has all sorts of resources, call them today.

If nothing else, call Dr. Laura’s Radio show to get started.

The one bit of advice I can give you, never let your children hear you talk bad about their father. This is a grown up mess between the two of you, you do not tell them about it.

Don’t tell them about child support, about parental rights. When they are adults and if they ask you can tell them what happened. I am not a lawyer, but, I do not think anything has to be done to the children’s names. Their names are their names.

If he does surrender his rights, you change your phone number and email. You never call him again, you never contact him again. When the kids ask, say honestly “I don’t know when he is going to come or call”.

Prayers for you, it will be hard to protect your kids from this ugliness, but, I will pray you are strong enough to do it.

How can I leave my children with my exhusband’s name when he no longer wants them?

I haven’t told them about parental rights…But they know about child support…My ex when he would call and the children would ask when he was coming to see them, he would tell them he was broke because I took all his money through child support…

I ended up having to explain to them that child support was a help that all parents that lived separately had to give, like a gift for the children…They felt even more special because they thought their father was giving them gifts… It was out of my hands to stop him from telling them that since I was told I couldn’t participate in their conversations or monitor them…

I thought it was unfair for them to find out about that stuff…But I am honest as much as possible with my kids…

When they ask me about their father I only speak of the good memories we had…Other times I just tell them to go look in the albums we have…all the pictures speak for themselves… But I try not to talk about him at all…If my family asks about him or friends I have mentioned things to them, and once or twice my daughter has walked in and heard what I am speaking about and I explain to her as much as possible but not anything that would show her I am angry or hurt by him… I mean she herself has asked me recently if he has even paid for the gift and I have answered her in all honesty that he hasn’t…He had disappeared for a few months and she kept asking me about him and I told her I hadn’t heard anything from him at all…Then he wrote back about his willingness to surrender his parental rights and that just blew me away…

 

[whatevergirl]

*1ke–the woman I work with, she has a daughter who is my dd’s age, 13. Her other children are no longer minors. The father relinquished his ‘rights’ as their dad, and sends no child support. Has not sent child support in years, the woman I work with got tired of fighting it. So, she finally asked him to relinquish his rights, and he did. It took court dates, appearances, lawyers…but he has no rights to the kids, and does not need to pay child support, by law. So, it does happen, and it can happen–probably depends on the state, but in Florida, it appears as though it can happen.

That being said, I would still do what 1ke suggests, iluv. Your ex plays you like a fiddle, tries to get you scared…don’t let him. I would continue to go after him for support. Let him do what he does, but you need to do what you need to do. Praying for you. *

 

[Beau_Ouiville]

I am a lawyer and I have worked in this field for about 20 years.

1. Parents divorce each other but not their children. It is better for the children involved to maintain a positive relationship with both parents.
2. Do not discuss child support issues with your children! This is written into many divorce settlement agreements. The support issues have nothing to do with their relationship with both parents.
3. Support is not a bargaining tool. No matter if a parent is current as to support, most states require that other obligations be kept, i.e. allowing visitation and telephone calls, etc.
4. Most states will enforce child support obligations for residential parents for free. I think this is all covered under URISA.

I make these comments in general and not as an evaluation of your particular situation or as a criticism. If you were in my part of the country I would try to give counsel directly.

 

[iluvmybabies]

*Your ex is something else. I’m so sorry! A lady I work with actually went through this last year with her ex…same thing, he refused to pay child support…took up with another woman…and abandoned his kids. He kept jerking her around, and finally she ASKED HIM to relinquish his rights. She never told her kids, I dont believe–they are older…one is in her 20’s, the other are late teens. The son had cancer, and her reasoning was that if he ever needed care and she dies someday, she was worried that her ex would not give him the care he needed, so she wanted his rights removed. He hadn’t seen the kids in years, or called them. I will ask her what she went through. It was a few court appearances, as I recall…and your ex has to show. I will keep you in my prayers. If he wants to relinquish his rights as a dad, there isn’t much you can do, but he will live to regret it. I will get back to you in a pm with what happens in cases like this. *

Thank you Whatevergirl! It’s not easy and it hasn’t been…I understand once you get divorced marriage annulled etc you want to restart your life and make things better for yoruself but when there are children involved how could you forget about them? How could you even stop loving them? ANd that’s what my ex has done he has stopped loving them as if he ever probably did love them…I am really disappointed…He owes almost 13 grand in child support and he could have caught up by now if he wouldn’t have cheated his income taxes…Last year I gave him one of our children to claim, he just owed 6 grand then, this year he would have been caught up with child support and not having to “deal with not living”! But instead he gave my child to be claimed by someone else, and kept all that 4 grand…And he blames me all the time for him oweing so much child support! It’s like he doesn’t even have reasoning or common sense, but to let go of the children all together?

I told him he needed to do what he needed to do, and to leave me alone…I asked him not to write to me any more…

I even told him I wanted things to be well between us but he was just impossible…He told me off and told me why don’t I just send him to jail then…I was like because you say you want to live so I am letting you live?! I don’t know what to do about this…Seriously! It’s very disappointing…

I have even offered to go with the kids, so he can see them, he won’t even accept an airplane ticket I have offered to pay for his trip using my child support when I was receiving it so that he can see the kids…He never wanted to…How can someone be so heartless. I knew he was not all there when he always tried to manipulate me but this? The children? How do I lie to them about their father? What if they tell me one of these days they want to see him, or when they get older and have their own jobs and decide to fly in to see him and he is no longer their father how will they ever forgive me? They will hate me for lying to them and not telling them that he was no longer their father? UGH…

Thanks for your help and prayers Whatevergirl! Thank you so much!

 

[iluvmybabies]

I’m not sure and I certainly am not a lawyer (I didn’t even stay at Holiday Inn Express last night!), but I don’t think he can get out of paying court-ordered child support by simply deciding to give up parental rights.

Peace

Tim

Thanks but I have tried to research about it and I would have to take him to court to excercise his wish and if it’s written signed and notarized I think it can be valid… I am not sure about how this can be?!

 

[iluvmybabies]

He cannot simply “surrender” his parental rights to avoid paying child support. It doesn’t work that way.

No?? I understand but what if he pursuits this through a court or judge hearing? To get out of it???

You’ve worked yourself up into a frenzy. Stop!

Sorry but I am trying to be as controlled as possible not easy when you have a million thoughts going through your head all at once…I am doing the best I can…

Give all correspondence he sends you to your lawyer, and let your lawyer handle it. Don’t interface with him. Don’t argue, write back, or contact him. Simply turn it all over to the lawyer.
Thanks for the advise 1Ke but I don’t have an attorney…If I could afford an attorney then I could probably be able to live without childsupport…Unfortunately…

He cannot simply stop paying child support by saying he “surrenders” his parental rights. He has parental responsibilities, and the court can enforce them.

so far he’s gotten away with not paying full child support and they haven’t even taken away his license!!!

You are an adult. Your parents cannot threaten you with anything, cannot make you do anything, cannot “come and get” you.

easier said then done…The promise has all ready been made if I don’t go live with them on my own, tickets are being sent within the next 60 days, someone will come for me…She did this many years ago when I was still married to my ex…But this time it’s just out of getting me under total control… Really disappointing… Makes me feel like moving to an abandoned place and disappear from the face of the Earth… But I am trying to see the bright side of this…

 

[whatevergirl]

*Okay iluvmybabies…this should brighten your day a bit. I just talked with the woman here I mention above, who went through this. The difference between her and you, is that SHE WANTED his rights removed. He agreed. TOGETHER they signed papers taking away his parental rights (and thus obligations) So, she said, while she is not a lawyer, BOTH PARENTS have to sign the papers, to have one or the other’s rights removed. Has to be a joint agreement. She said the courts gave her a hard time because her youngest would become a ward of the state, if she didn’t have a will in place. She had a will in place, and that eased the burden of the state. So, there you go. Unless you consent, he can hem and haw and threaten all he likes…he needs to accept that he is a father, and that he needs to pay child support.

I apologize 1ke, I didn’t have all the facts straight from the woman here at my work, who went through this recently.

I would stop replying to the man. Just give this to your lawyers, and have them continue to fight for your children’s support. Don’t allow this to consume you. Your ex is one of those people in life who for whatever reason, is angry and miserable. Don’t let him pull your strings anymore. Save your energy for being a good mom, and take this one day at a time. *

 

[1ke]

*1ke–the woman I work with, she has a daughter who is my dd’s age, 13. Her other children are no longer minors. The father relinquished his ‘rights’ as their dad, and sends no child support. Has not sent child support in years, the woman I work with got tired of fighting it. So, she finally asked him to relinquish his rights, and he did. It took court dates, appearances, lawyers…but he has no rights to the kids, and does not need to pay child support, by law. So, it does happen, and it can happen–probably depends on the state, but in Florida, it appears as though it can happen.

That being said, I would still do what 1ke suggests, iluv. Your ex plays you like a fiddle, tries to get you scared…don’t let him. I would continue to go after him for support. Let him do what he does, but you need to do what you need to do. Praying for you. *

Certainly it can happen-- by mutual agreement and a court process.

But **he **cannot make it happen by himself simply to get out of child support. Nor can he just say it and it happens. It is a legal process, and iluv has **rights **to receive child support.

She needs to talk to her lawyer, find out the laws governing this in her state, and not put the cart before the horse.

 

[Orogeny]

Thanks but I have tried to research about it and I would have to take him to court to excercise his wish and if it’s written signed and notarized I think it can be valid… I am not sure about how this can be?!

I don’t know which state you live in, but here in Texas you would contact the Attorney General’s office and they handle the child care payments at no cost to you.

Regarding validity (remember here, I am not a lawyer), he can give up his parental rights but his court-ordered obligations regarding child support remain.

When you say that you researched it, did you search the internet or did you consult an attorney?

Peace

Tim

 

[whatevergirl]

*Just as an aside…you need to really stand up for yourself when it comes to your mom. She does nothing but degrade you, from the posts I’ve read. Yes, we are to honor our parents, but that doesn’t mean accepting constant put downs. If she wants to fork over some money so you can pay your bills every month, great. But, if not, she needs to mind her own business. You’re a single mom, doing her best with little or not help from her. She needs to either be helpful, or she needs to stop interfering, and I’d tell her that. Enough. She does nothing to help you, but feels the need to offer you belittlement every time you turn around. Start taking control of your life…bit by bit.

1) Stand up to your mom
2) Don’t allow your ex to hurt or manipulate you anymore
3) Give a timeline to your current bf, finding a job needs to be at the top of his priority list*

You feel the way you do because you feel you have no control. You have all the control. Trust in God. But, don’t keep relying on people to change…love those around you, but get on with living your own life, and be happy. Your ex is not going to change, your mom is not going to change…your bf could change…only you can change HOW YOU REACT. Start telling people the way it is. If you must speak to your ex…I’d say…YOU WILL PAY ME CHILD SUPPORT. To your mom…YOU WILL STOP BELITTLING ME, AND MAKING ME FEEL BAD. Don’t let people hurt you. I know the situations hurt, but you can’t change people, only how you cope and react to them. Once your mom gets the idea that you’re done accepting her verbal abuse, she will back down, trust me. She doesn’t back down, because you don’t tell her to. I had this with my sister–always butting in, but never helping me. I said one day…do you pay my bills? She said no, I said then don’t tell me how to run my household. We didn’t talk for a while. Hey, standing up for yourself has some backlash, but over time, my sister learned to respect me. Praying for you :hug1:

I say all of this with charity, I hope you know.

 

[Orogeny]

iluvmybabies:

so far he’s gotten away with not paying full child support and they haven’t even taken away his license!!!

Too bad you are not in Texas. I know that if I owed child support and didn’t pay, I would lose my Professional Geologist license.

Peace

Tim

 

[1ke]

You need to get a lawyer.

Most of what is happening to you is because you don’t have legal representation and your abusive ex is continuing his veral, emotional, and psychological abuse because he thinks he can.

Lawyers take pro bono cases. Contact an abused women’s hotline in your area or Catholic Charities. They will help you find legal representation for free or low cost.

He cannot do anything regarding relinquishing his rights without your signed consent through the courts. You can simply refuse. It’s your decision to make. There are pros and cons to this, so you need to talk to legal counsel.

You can take out a restraining order against your parents if necessary, if they literally come to your home and try to harrass you. Honestly, they cannot make you do anything.

 

[iluvmybabies]

I am a lawyer and I have worked in this field for about 20 years.

1. Parents divorce each other but not their children. It is better for the children involved to maintain a positive relationship with both parents.
2. Do not discuss child support issues with your children! This is written into many divorce settlement agreements. The support issues have nothing to do with their relationship with both parents.
3. Support is not a bargaining tool. No matter if a parent is current as to support, most states require that other obligations be kept, i.e. allowing visitation and telephone calls, etc.
4. Most states will enforce child support obligations for residential parents for free. I think this is all covered under URISA.

I make these comments in general and not as an evaluation of your particular situation or as a criticism. If you were in my part of the country I would try to give counsel directly.

Hello Beau Ouiville, thanks for your help and advice! About number 1, what do you do when the other parent doesn’t want the relationship?

2- Don’t do it, exhusband did…I had to find a way to explain what he was talking about, made it seem like it was a gift from him to them…

3- I have never denied anything to this man…He chooses not to visit or call…When I couldn’t afford a phone he made me get one, made me make a spacepage for my daughter, I was harassed and everything because of what you are saying, making it seem as if I am denying him of anything…when I have not nor will I ever…I have tried everything to get him to see his kids… He doesn’t even send them a card for their bdays…He forgot to call them last year and this year so far… That is not me…And I don’t have a phone any more it’s disconnected because I can’t afford to pay it… He has a blackberry phone, he can’t even ask if my kids need anything… I don’t deny that man anything… He chooses not to communicate with his kids…

4- Well my child support tells me since he doesn’t live in the state I live they have no jurisdiction to pursuit in anything else…THEREFORE he gets away with everything…especially not paying for it…

After I kept threatening them because they wouldn’t even do anything to find out if he was working again, (he ratted himself out like he always does and showed he was working) then they started looking and just recently decided to start taking child support out of his paycheck…still haven’t received anything yet but hopefully within the next 60 days I will get something…

It hasn’t been easy and I am not having any fun with this…Especially knowing that if my kids ever find out I don’t know what I will do…

 

[whatevergirl]

Certainly it can happen-- by mutual agreement and a court process.

But **he **cannot make it happen by himself simply to get out of child support. Nor can he just say it and it happens. It is a legal process, and iluv has **rights **to receive child support.

She needs to talk to her lawyer, find out the laws governing this in her state, and not put the cart before the horse.

*yes 1ke, I addressed this above. I didn’t get my facts straight. Both parties, mom AND dad, need to sign an agreement before relinquishing rights, and according to the woman I work with, the state will not grant it immediately. *

 

[iluvmybabies]

*1ke–the woman I work with, she has a daughter who is my dd’s age, 13. Her other children are no longer minors. The father relinquished his ‘rights’ as their dad, and sends no child support. Has not sent child support in years, the woman I work with got tired of fighting it. So, she finally asked him to relinquish his rights, and he did. It took court dates, appearances, lawyers…but he has no rights to the kids, and does not need to pay child support, by law. So, it does happen, and it can happen–probably depends on the state, but in Florida, it appears as though it can happen.

That being said, I would still do what 1ke suggests, iluv. Your ex plays you like a fiddle, tries to get you scared…don’t let him. I would continue to go after him for support. Let him do what he does, but you need to do what you need to do. Praying for you. *

Thanks for the advise Whatever girl, but he too lives in Florida… Very frustrating…AND I have read it can be considered legal and valid…

UGH!

Hon if I could afford a lawyer I would get one…Here in Illinois they don’t even offer quid-pro-quo or even for low income families…It’s really frustrating…Maybe I should go back to parentsville?!