Ex in-laws, consequences and forgiveness

[Kathryn_Ann]

What is the best way to deal with a former in -law who is now “moving on” to another marriage? Many family gatherings are likely to be scheduled as always, far into the future that, for the sake of a younger generation, will require us all to be cordial. Yet it would feel disingenuous to pretend that everything will go as before.

It’s just all so confusing, how to sort out these opposing feelings, meeting the new “bride” , her family, and yet feeling sad for the new path taken.

Should our entire (former) family, act as if nothing at all has happened? Or would this send a false signal of compliance? There has been no annulment either, so the new “marriage” will be outside of the Church.

We need a plan to steer through these new waters. In many ways, I personally feel a deep sense of pity for what this person has chosen to throw away. This person chose to divorce a family member of ours. It’s difficult to act as if that never happened.

Jesus said to love our enemies and to pray for those who are unkind to us. Would this be the perfect chance to live out that ideal? Should we have a heart- to- heart talk and simply say that although we don’t understand what’s happened, that we still wish him the best? In a way that seems an ideal, and yet it may not be the right message for all involved.

It’s been an emotional shock to deal with all this. I feel that we teach people how to treat us, and there are consequences even when we are forgiven or choose to forgive, and that that is how we learn how to treat each other more kindly.

I also feel that children see and learn from us, and that is better to “err” on the side of mercy and forgiveness than to judge at all, so that the next generation learns that love is always the best choice. But does this teach the lesson of love in the right way, when someone’s actions have caused unhappiness to another family member whom we all love? Whatever happens, I still keep everyone in my prayers, and remember there is good in all of us. Because I’m nowhere near perfect myself and need forgiveness, I don’t want to judge. It’s more a matter of how to communicate within these new parameters that is the challenge and so I welcome ideas on how best to do that for the good of all involved.

 

[Kathryn_Ann]

I meant to add that if anyone has personal experience in dealing with these situations, that would be most helpful
Thanks (OP Kathryn Ann)

 

[PatriceA]

Are there children involved?

When my brother divorced, I was very close to my SIL, probably more than I was to my brother. We stayed in touch, did lunch, and to me she will always be my SIL. It probably makes a difference what broke up the marriage, I knew my brother was the one that actually broke up the marriage so it wasn’t very difficult to continue to love my SIL as much as I did before the divorce.

My brother remarried, outside the Church as well. Sometimes we included my former SIL in family celebrations, usually she would decline though because she knew her presence could make things difficult.

Another factor is how civil the divorced couple is with each other. My brother and his former wife were and are still civil to each other. The problem for our family is my brother’s current wife that thinks its well within her right to bad mouth the former wife. You are going to have to be careful if this starts to occur, if ANY family member starts to bash or bad mouth a former family member, especially when children are present.

 

[Kathryn_Ann]

Are there children involved?

When my brother divorced, I was very close to my SIL, probably more than I was to my brother. We stayed in touch, did lunch, and to me she will always be my SIL. It probably makes a difference what broke up the marriage, I knew my brother was the one that actually broke up the marriage so it wasn’t very difficult to continue to love my SIL as much as I did before the divorce.

My brother remarried, outside the Church as well. Sometimes we included my former SIL in family celebrations, usually she would decline though because she knew her presence could make things difficult.

Another factor is how civil the divorced couple is with each other. My brother and his former wife were and are still civil to each other. The problem for our family is my brother’s current wife that thinks its well within her right to bad mouth the former wife. You are going to have to be careful if this starts to occur, if ANY family member starts to bash or bad mouth a former family member, especially when children are present.

Hi, PatriceA, and thank you for your kind and thoughtful reply. I really appreciate that very much. Yes, there are children involved, and the divorced couple/parents are very civil. We all are, so we are very lucky there.

I wonder how/if or when we will all meet the new young woman/ “bride.” With everyone being so civil, I do wonder what this message sends to the ex-husband of our relative. Will our continuing kindness be interpreted as condoning his insisting on a divorce from someone we care deeply about? It feels rather crazy to act as if nothing at all has happened. That’s my main concern. What message are we sending to the now ex-husband? Forgiveness should always be part of the message. But what about everyone else involved?

I see in your situation that it was quite nice to feel close to your former sister in law. You are wise in considering the situation and acting graciously. I agree that no bad mouthing should ever be tolerated. It’s best, especially for the children’s sake, to always speak only the kindest things about any relative. Do you feel that you were able to articulate a message, however silent, to your brother regarding his behavior, without judging him? Is this possible, to take a stand against a behavior, while allowing forgiveness to guide us?