Ex seeking annulment?

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Rehabmom44

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Hi all,
Thanks in advance for your thoughts on my situation. I am Catholic and married my high school sweetheart who was non-practicing Baptist. We had a civil ceremony and not a Catholic ceremony. This was about 17 years ago (23 years into our committed relationship). We have three children. Last year I learned that he was having an affair with a much younger woman and was uninterested in working through it and strengthening our marriage. He asked for a divorce, we were separated for the better part of a year, and it was final last month.

This week he sent me a letter telling me that he has secretly been in adult conversion classes to become Catholic, and asked me for a copy of my baptism records. He made a point of saying multiple times that this would not be for an annulment and it’s not because he is anxious to remarry (despite the obvious fact that he is still involved with the co-adulterer and has her around our children every time they are with him, he has never admitted to me that they are dating… she, I might add, is from a strict Catholic family). But everything I have ever understood about Catholicism and divorce is that you must have an annulment in order to remarry. I don’t know the rules about adult conversion, but common sense tell me that adultery and divorce are NOT cool.

I cannot imagine any elder/priest/tribunal that would sign off on the annulment of a 17 year marriage and 23 year relationship with three children, especially not FOR the cheater. I have no idea what he is saying in his conversion classes or how he is throwing me under the bus, but the whole thing has me feeling so cynical about not only him but the church in general.

So what are your thoughts? What is happening, and where does it leave me? Should I comply with his request for my baptism even though I cannot ingood conscience stand by and accept that the church would deem our marriage never being real or sacred? I welcome any sort of advice or thoughts from the forum; 6’you all have a wealth of knowledge and perspective and I’d really appreciate the support. Thank you!
 
Rehabmom44 said:
Hi all,
Thanks in advance for your thoughts on my situation. I am Catholic and married my high school sweetheart who was non-practicing Baptist.**** We had a civil ceremony and not a Catholic ceremony.**** This was about 17 years ago (23 years into our committed relationship). We have three children. Last year I learned that he was having an affair with a much younger woman and was uninterested in working through it and strengthening our marriage. He asked for a divorce, we were separated for the better part of a year, and it was final last month.

This week he sent me a letter telling me that he has secretly been in adult conversion classes to become Catholic, and asked me for a copy of my baptism records. He made a point of saying multiple times that this would not be for an annulment and it’s not because he is anxious to remarry (despite the obvious fact that he is still involved with the co-adulterer and has her around our children every time they are with him, he has never admitted to me that they are dating… she, I might add, is from a strict Catholic family). But everything I have ever understood about Catholicism and divorce is that you must have an annulment in order to remarry. I don’t know the rules about adult conversion, but common sense tell me that adultery and divorce are NOT cool.

I cannot imagine any elder/priest/tribunal that would sign off on the annulment of a 17 year marriage and 23 year relationship with three children, especially not FOR the cheater. I have no idea what he is saying in his conversion classes or how he is throwing me under the bus, but the whole thing has me feeling so cynical about not only him but the church in general.

So what are your thoughts? What is happening, and where does it leave me? Should I comply with his request for my baptism even though I cannot ingood conscience stand by and accept that the church would deem our marriage never being real or sacred? I welcome any sort of advice or thoughts from the forum; 6’you all have a wealth of knowledge and perspective and I’d really appreciate the support. Thank you!
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Regarding the bolded parts. Were you Catholic at the time of your marriage? If so it may be your marriage wasn’t valid unless you had a dispensation to be married outside of the Church. A Catholic must either be married in the Church or have a dispensation to not marry in the Church.

An annulment makes a determination if a marriage is valid at the time the vows were exchanged. The length of the marriage, or the reason for a divorce are not considerations for an annulment. Those things could be evidence of a defect but are not the defect themselves.

Your best option would be to speak to your priest regarding this situation. Please understand I give my opinion based on what you have presented here and could be missing some of the facts.
 
Thanks for your reply. It was not a Catholic ceremony nor was there dispensation (a non-denominational pastor married us). So I guess in the eyes of the church it was never valid??? In that case, why would he need my record of baptism (I was baptized into the church as an infant)?
 
Rehabmom44 said:
Thanks for your reply. It was not a Catholic ceremony nor was there dispensation (a non-denominational pastor married us). So I guess in the eyes of the church it was never valid??? In that case, why would he need my record of baptism (I was baptized into the church as an infant)?
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To prove you were a Catholic. Lack of form applies to Catholics.
 
Rehabmom44 said:
What do you mean by “lack of form”?
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Catholics are bound to observe the Catholic form for the celebration of marriage, which is normally witnessed by a bishop, priest or deacon in a Catholic church. If a bishop grants a dispensation prior to the wedding, the marriage may be celebrated elsewhere, and/or witnessed by a non-clergyman. But without the above, an attempt at marriage by a Catholic, is considered invalid. Normally, a defect of form case is processed very quickly (a month or so in most American dioceses) when the following documents are presented:

—baptismal certificate (establishes that the person is a Catholic) If the person was baptized in a non-Catholic church whose baptisms are considered valid by the Catholic Church, then a confirmation certificate (issued when the person became Catholic) is also needed
—civil marriage certificate (establishes that a civilly-recognized marriage took place)
—civil divorce decree (establishes that the marriage no longer exists civilly)
 
It appears to me that you are jumping to a lot of conclusions. I don’t see a downside to providing a baptism certificate. I’ve learned some pithy sayings that carry much truth. Two that come to mind are: Let Go and Let God. The second is, I can either be right or be at peace.
 
Your first action should be to discuss this with your priest. I do question your assumption that the other woman is a strict Catholic and by what standard? Would a “strict” Catholic be living with another woman’s husband? Do go see your priest, post haste. Peace.
 
I am Catholic and married my high school sweetheart who was non-practicing Baptist. We had a civil ceremony and not a Catholic ceremony…
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I cannot imagine any elder/priest/tribunal that would sign off on the annulment of a 17 year marriage… with three children
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The length of a relationship or children do not make a valid Christian marriage. If you married outside the Church without dispensation, that civil marriage was always invalid in the eyes of the Church. Have you gone all of these years without knowing that?
So what are your thoughts? What is happening, and where does it leave me? Should I comply with his request for my baptism even though I cannot in good conscience stand by and accept that the church would deem our marriage never being real or sacred?
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It sounds like he is preparing to ask for a declaration of nullity, despite what you were told. Why else would he want your baptismal information?

I am very sorry. I am sure that this has been very hard on you and your children. Did you raise your children in the Church? It is sounding like you have been away from the Church for some time, so I am guessing that the answer is no.

What is best route forward for all of you? Is there any hope of healing your marriage? That is really hard to say, but you should certainly talk to your pastor about it. Even if the past has been unhappy, the future can certainly be better.

Praying for you!
 
Thank you for your kindness. It has of course been difficult and I tried to keep the marriage together but he filed for legal divorce and the chips fell. I was confirmed Catholic but his family was staunchly anti-catholic so we were married by his pastor in a park. Never did I think that he would stray when we had two toddlers at home, or that he would ever break his vow, or that we couldn’t nurture 25 years of committed roots and feed the plant of our marriage (whether anyone or the church proper deems in invalid–I’m not asking for judgement, thank you)…

I was just asking for some context and a way to understand all of this. Again, thank you for the gentleness of your post.
 
Mary_Estelle said:
Your first action should be to discuss this with your priest. I do question your assumption that the other woman is a strict Catholic and by what standard? Would a “strict” Catholic be living with another woman’s husband? Do go see your priest, post haste. Peace.
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Believe me, I am well aware of the hypocrisy here.
 
Rehabmom44 said:
Thank you for your kindness. It has of course been difficult and I tried to keep the marriage together but he filed for legal divorce and the chips fell. I was confirmed Catholic but his family was staunchly anti-catholic so we were married by his pastor in a park. Never did I think that he would stray when we had two toddlers at home, or that he would ever break his vow, or that we couldn’t nurture 25 years of committed roots and feed the plant of our marriage (whether anyone or the church proper deems in invalid–I’m not asking for judgement, thank you)…

I was just asking for some context and a way to understand all of this. Again, thank you for the gentleness of your post.
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Rehabmom44, I am so sorry to hear of your problems. It must be very distressing for you. There is a book that I have seen recommended many times for people in your situation re: annulments. You might want to get a copy of “The Wedding That Was” for a better understanding of annulments, what they are, and what they mean.
 
Thank you, I’ll definitely check it out.

Thanks to everyone for your (name removed by moderator)ut.
 
juno24 said:
Rehabmom44, I am so sorry to hear of your problems. It must be very distressing for you. There is a book that I have seen recommended many times for people in your situation re: annulments. You might want to get a copy of “The Wedding That Was” for a better understanding of annulments, what they are, and what they mean.
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I think the book is called “The Wedding that NEVER Was”.
 
Sorry you have had this experience.

He’s obviously seeking annulment. I wouldn’t fight it i would go along with it. You will be able to tell your side of the story. There is sort of a healing process that occurs with annulment. Speaking from experience.

Pax
 
Dear Rehab-mom-44

Based on the length you spent on several subjects about your life I would hazard the guess that your are in a lot of pain and the single best thing you can do for yourself is to begin the process of learning how to truly forgive him.

I do not say this lightly nor casually, I too am divorced because of circumstances that are nearly the same as yours. I didn’t want the divorce either but then this is something none of us have a choice about in today’s world. It took about two years before I was able to let go of my loathing for this woman who took my children away from me by moving across the country with her new “husband”. This turned me into an “airport dad” although I tried to be the best father and dad I could be with the 12 weeks per year that the court told me was fair, justice and in the best interests of the children. I also had to pay child support when the kids were with me during summers and I had to split the cost of airplane tickets too! All-in-all this cost $10s of thousands over some 15 years, but I haven’t bothered to count-the-total-cost because I can’t see any good coming from it.

The divorce happened about 30 years ago, and since the kids were primarily raised by her they turned out to be far more like her than I which means that we no longer know one another and we do not get along. (This was another one of my fears when the kids were taken to the other coast because she is a very domineering and high-maintenance person.) About a year ago my 37YO son called to tell me that he wanted to “teach” me who to be so that I would stop being “an a - - hole” and would again be able get along with him and his sister – I declined his offer bluntly.

For these reasons I’ve been practicing the process of forgiveness for decades – the single most important thing I’ve discovered about forgiving them is that God took away my anger with her and a broken-heart over the kids which has made me a much happier man. Also, in order for the forgiving to take-hold it included taking stock of and responsibility for my own shortcomings in the marriage. (Being a Vietnam veteran meant that I brought back home a boatload of problems including PTSD after two tours and 3 years in SE Asia.) This means that some years later I called and made amends to her (she has yet to do anything in kind; but then this isn’t why I made the call anyway). An additional and truly powerful part about forgiving is that I also had to learn how to forgive myself and this alone is worth the “price of admission”.

And now as to annulment she too decided she wanted one so she could marry (again) so one day she called one day to “ask” if I would fill out certain papers that would allow her to, “Be married in the church.” I told her I would bend over as far backwards as I could to accommodate her; although I still believe that our 12 year marriage was a real marriage. At this point I can only tell you that I never got the papers, she didn’t bring it up again and I didn’t ask. (It would not surprise me to learn that she filled the papers out herself.)

This is how I “Let go and let God.” do His work at which He has far more practice and wisdom than I do. I hope this is of some help, if so, and you would care to discuss any of this using CAF messages, I would be happy to help in any way I can.
 
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