Ex seeking annulment?

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Dear Rehab-mom-44

Based on the length you spent on several subjects about your life I would hazard the guess that you’re are in a lot of pain and I think the single best thing you can do for yourself is to begin the process of learning how to truly forgive him.

I do not say this lightly nor casually, I too am divorced due to circumstances that are very similar to yours. I didn’t want the divorce either but the state had recently passed “No fault” divorce laws to end “The hypocrisy” of divorce for cause. It took about two years before I was able to let go of my loathing for the person who took my children away from me by moving across the country with her new “husband”. This turned me into an “airport dad” although I tried to be the best father and dad I could be with the 12 weeks per year that a judge said was, “Fair, justice and in the best interests of the children.” And to add injury to insult I still had to pay child support when the kids were with me during summers and I also had to split the cost of airplane tickets!

The divorce happened about 30 years ago. Since the kids were raised primarily by her they turned out to be far more like her than I, which means that we no longer know one another and we do not get along, or at least they don’t get along with me. (This was one of my fears when the kids were taken to the other coast because she is a very domineering and high-maintenance person.) About a year ago my 37YO son called and demanded to “teach” me “who to be” so that I would stop being “an a - - hole” and would then be able get along with him and his sister again – I declined his offer.

For these reasons I began to practice the prayerful process of forgiveness which took years to learn and things such as his phone call mean I still need to do it. However, the greatest thing I’ve discovered about prayer and forgiveness is that God took away my anger with her and my broken-heart over the kids and this turned me into a much happier man then I otherwise would ever have become on my own.

Also, in order for the forgiving to take-hold it included taking stock of and responsibility for my own shortcomings in the marriage. (Being a Vietnam veteran also meant that I brought back home a boatload of problems after two tours and 3 years in SE Asia.) The result of this is that some years later I called and made amends to her (she has yet to do anything in kind; but then this has nothing to do with why I did it). An additional and truly powerful part about forgiving is that I also got to learn how to forgive myself and this alone is worth the “price of admission”. Additonally, Jesus teaches me that forgiving is one of our Christian practices, which is why Jesus said this about forgiving others (Luke 6:38), “For with the same measure that you measure it shall be measured to you again.” This is not only a warning it is also the precept of our loving Father who knows what’s best for us.

As to annulment she too decided she wanted one so she could marry (again) so one day she called to “ask” if I would fill out certain papers that would allow her to, “Be married in the church.” I told her I would bend over as far backwards as I could to accommodate her; although I still believe that our 12 year marriage was a Godly marriage. At this point I can only tell you that I never got the papers, she didn’t bring it up again and I didn’t ask.

These examples are how I try to practice Christianity and to “Let go and let God.” do His work at which He has far more practice and wisdom than I do.

I hope this is of some help, if so, and you would care to discuss any of this using CAF messages, I would be happy to help in any way I can.
 
This thread hurt to read. I know he is going to obtain his annulment, yet it is still so wrong. The Church must show mercy to all and God’s mercy is boundless. The previous poster was right. Start the process of forgiveness. If you can truly forgive now, that would be an amazing grace. However, if it takes years to forgive both of these people, or the rest of your life, it is still the only path.
 
pnewton said:
This thread hurt to read. I know he is going to obtain his annulment, yet it is still so wrong. The Church must show mercy to all and God’s mercy is boundless. The previous poster was right. Start the process of forgiveness. If you can truly forgive now, that would be an amazing grace. However, if it takes years to forgive both of these people, or the rest of your life, it is still the only path.
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The thread IS painful to read but by all indication it’s not an “annulment”, simply a recognition that he is free to marry because their marriage was never presumed valid due to lack of form. This would be evident when her Certificate of Baptism shows no marriage.
 
Rehabmom44 said:
Hi all,
Thanks in advance for your thoughts on my situation. I am Catholic and married my high school sweetheart who was non-practicing Baptist. We had a civil ceremony and not a Catholic ceremony. This was about 17 years ago (23 years into our committed relationship). We have three children. Last year I learned that he was having an affair with a much younger woman and was uninterested in working through it and strengthening our marriage. He asked for a divorce, we were separated for the better part of a year, and it was final last month.

This week he sent me a letter telling me that he has secretly been in adult conversion classes to become Catholic, and asked me for a copy of my baptism records. He made a point of saying multiple times that this would not be for an annulment and it’s not because he is anxious to remarry (despite the obvious fact that he is still involved with the co-adulterer and has her around our children every time they are with him, he has never admitted to me that they are dating… she, I might add, is from a strict Catholic family). But everything I have ever understood about Catholicism and divorce is that you must have an annulment in order to remarry. I don’t know the rules about adult conversion, but common sense tell me that adultery and divorce are NOT cool.

I cannot imagine any elder/priest/tribunal that would sign off on the annulment of a 17 year marriage and 23 year relationship with three children, especially not FOR the cheater. I have no idea what he is saying in his conversion classes or how he is throwing me under the bus, but the whole thing has me feeling so cynical about not only him but the church in general.

So what are your thoughts? What is happening, and where does it leave me? Should I comply with his request for my baptism even though I cannot ingood conscience stand by and accept that the church would deem our marriage never being real or sacred? I welcome any sort of advice or thoughts from the forum; 6’you all have a wealth of knowledge and perspective and I’d really appreciate the support. Thank you!
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It sounds as if you may have a flawed understanding of the nature of declarations of nullity. There’s a couple of points I’d like to clarify:
  1. As the PPs have stated, a declaration of nullity is based solely on what happened at the time of the actual WEDDING. Now, what happened during the marriage MAY have some bearing in that it could show prior intent (for example, if one partner was abusive there may have been signs prior to the marriage that they could potentially become abusive). But they will not base a declaration of nullity on the fact that he cheated on you as the sole determining factor.
  2. A declaration of nullity is NOT a statement that you never had a relationship. Clearly, you had a legal marriage, you had a conjugal life, and you had children born of that relationship. Rather, a declaration of nullity is a statement that there was no valid marriage covenant. Although you had a legal contract and a relationship, there was no life-long spiritual covenant.
  3. In case you wondered, a declaration of nullity will not make your children illegitimate. As long as the marriage is valid or putative (i.e. at least one party entered in good faith) the children are still considered legitimate.
  4. A declaration of nullity isn’t about taking sides. It’s not about them saying that he’s clearly in the right. It’s a statement of what IS. They’re not going to decide “for” or “against” him. They’re just going to decide what clearly happened.
In your case, it does sound as if your marriage was invalid due to a lack of form. Again, this doesn’t mean that the Church doesn’t recognize that you had a relationship. As I already stated, clearly you did. Rather, the Church is stating that in the eyes of God this was not a covenanted marriage relationship.

My husband went through the nullity process so we could be married in the Church. He found that going through the process and being able to return to the sacraments was very healing. (I am a cradle Catholic and he became Catholic during his first marriage. We were married outside the Church while he was pursuing the nullity process. We have since been sacramentally married.)
 
Rehabmom44 said:
Hi all,
Thanks in advance for your thoughts on my situation. I am Catholic and married my high school sweetheart who was non-practicing Baptist. We had a civil ceremony and not a Catholic ceremony. This was about 17 years ago (23 years into our committed relationship). We have three children. Last year I learned that he was having an affair with a much younger woman and was uninterested in working through it and strengthening our marriage. He asked for a divorce, we were separated for the better part of a year, and it was final last month.

This week he sent me a letter telling me that he has secretly been in adult conversion classes to become Catholic, and asked me for a copy of my baptism records. He made a point of saying multiple times that this would not be for an annulment and it’s not because he is anxious to remarry (despite the obvious fact that he is still involved with the co-adulterer and has her around our children every time they are with him, he has never admitted to me that they are dating… she, I might add, is from a strict Catholic family). But everything I have ever understood about Catholicism and divorce is that you must have an annulment in order to remarry. I don’t know the rules about adult conversion, but common sense tell me that adultery and divorce are NOT cool.

I cannot imagine any elder/priest/tribunal that would sign off on the annulment of a 17 year marriage and 23 year relationship with three children, especially not FOR the cheater. I have no idea what he is saying in his conversion classes or how he is throwing me under the bus, but the whole thing has me feeling so cynical about not only him but the church in general.

So what are your thoughts? What is happening, and where does it leave me? Should I comply with his request for my baptism even though I cannot ingood conscience stand by and accept that the church would deem our marriage never being real or sacred? I welcome any sort of advice or thoughts from the forum; 6’you all have a wealth of knowledge and perspective and I’d really appreciate the support. Thank you!
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