Ex vs current in-laws

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BlestOne

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On another thread someone said this :
It’s a bit strange to me. I have good friendships even with my three sons’ three exes, as well as the current daughter-in-law, so I’m lucky with the women who are or were in my sons’ lives.
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Now… I know the person meant well and I am glad that she doesn’t hate her son’s ex’s… but it struck me because I have problems with my MIL being nice sometimes and other times not at all… especially after she talks to DH’s ex. The ex DIL holds visits over her head and encourages the kid to ask for $300 presents for Christmas and birthdays… and when she brings my step dd over to “get” her presents she brings all her kids so that my MIL feels like she has to buy for all of them… and she does the same for her other kids grandparents… and surprise surprise… she buys my step dd almost nothing for these gift giving holidays… several years running it was a single CD for Christmas. Anyway, as I am starting to get off subject here… I don’t think it is a great idea to have an ex daughter in law play a large role in your life.

I am not saying that the OP does… or that she does what my MIL does with how she treats us…warm and cold… but i just wanted to throw this out there as to how it feels to be the “current” DIL when you are friendly with both.

I am constantly being probed for information by MIL when I know it is what dh’s ex wanted to know…

I am always being criticized because I am stricter on all the kids than my step dd’s mother is (because she ignores the kid 90% of the time)

I am evil if I tell my step dd that it is rude to ask for something so expensive.

I am a horrible mother because I “make” step dd wear skirts and dresses to mass…

The list goes on and on…

So tell me how you think relationships between ex and current in-laws should be… I admit being curious because I never thought I would have the problems with MIL over the ex vs. me
 
My brother has an ex-girlfriend who is the mother of his child(ren). The reason I mention this is because it’s the closest thing I have to an “ex-in-law” relationship. 😉

For the most part, I treated her as a sister-in-law, except my children are to call her “Miss [first name]” and not “Aunt [first name]”. When she and my brother broke up, I discontinued buying birthday/Christmas gifts for her, and don’t contact her anymore. I remain civil in our personal encounters, but I don’t seek her out.

My sister was upset that I wouldn’t allow my kids to call the girlfriend “Aunt,” and that I didn’t consider the girl part of our family. I told her that if our brother gets married one day, I want my kids to call his wife “Aunt” because she will actually be their aunt, not an ex-girlfriend. I value the relationships established through marriage, so I wasn’t going to tell my kids that the lady was their aunt if she really wasn’t. (A side note: I also do not practice the cultural norm of assigning good friends “aunt” or “uncle” status. It’s just not my thing.)

I don’t want to cultivate a relationship with her now, because I feel it would be a slap in the face to my brother (and any future wife he may have).
 
The most important people in these complicated ex / step relationships are the kids. They are the innocents, who had no role or choice in the twisted relationships their parents have created.

Everything humanly possible should be done to protect the kids and encourage familial ties. Therefore, grandma should do whatever it takes to befriend ex-DIL so grandkids get to see grandma. New wife should be nice to grandma and Ex so that kids on both sides of the marriage don’t suffer. And yes, even aunts should continue the relationship with never married ex-girlfriends who have 3 kids because they (the illegit kids) need a good auntie as a role model.

IMHO 🤷

And how can the mother of your kids’ cousins not be their aunt?
 
My dad was married before he met my mom, and my grandmother ALWAYS welcomed his ex-wife and the grandchildren. They had been married 16 years and she was not going to cut them out of her life…I respect her for that! The same way, my mom accepted the fact that there was an ex with whom my dad had 2 children, and she eventually became a lifelong friend of his ex-wife, so much so that after my father’s death I would stay weekends at ‘aunt Dinie’ (his ex-wife)'s house and it was lovely!

It CAN work, if like with ‘Aunt Dinie’ and my mom, there are no hard feelings and every one concerned (including my dad!) has a grown-up, mature way of dealing with the situation.

No MIL should ever feel obliged to cut an ex-DIL out, just to please the ‘new wife’, in my opinion. Especially when there are children involved. The ex-DIL would still be the mother of her grandchildren, that would not change.
 
Yes, you folks can call me a stick in the mud, and probably rightly so.

In-laws and ex-in-laws (out-laws) have always been a sore point with me. The funny part of it was that I was a lifelong bachelor, without any long relationships.

Why then my sensitivity about in-law problems? Simple. The whole concept of in-laws was one the things that worried me about being married. One of the road hazards, on the path of married life, was how it seemed to me.

Only quite rarely, did I ever meet the parents of any of my girlfriends, and that was likely for the best. The whole idea of having in-laws creeped me out. It just was not for me.

I thought I had it all figured out. Marriage was the prime and proximate cause of both divorce and of in-laws; two pollutants I wanted not to have in my life.

Looking back, I am so glad that I never had any in-laws.
 
Maybe I wasn’t clear from the look of some of the responses…

  1. *]Child isn’t suffering as one alluded to…
    *]I also didn’t say to totally cut off ex DIL
    *]Neither did I say to ignore all the ex’s other children
    *]I said that it wasn’t a good idea to have ex play a BIG part in family life
    What I did say was…

    1. *]MIL sometimes nice sometimes not depending on whether she has been talking to ex recently
      *]Ex holds visits over MIL head to get her to give her info and give the kid expensive stuff that MIL can’t afford
      *]When MIL hasn’t been around ex she is nice as can be
      *]Ex only brings her other children around with her at Christmas time when gifts are expected
      Here are some more facts:

      1. *]Current wife’s children get snubbed when MIL is in her not so nice phase… is it fair to them?
        *]Ex purposely schedules visits with MIL for when it is dad’s weekend which isn’t her time to schedule.
        *]Ex keeps moving further away which makes visits hard for MIL who doesn’t drive… one time she made her and FIL drive 4 hours to see the kid for a few hours because she didn’t think she should be put out to let her see her grandchild.
 
My parents divorced when I was in 3rd grade, my paternal family never spoke of or talked to my mom after the divorce. Even when she passed away, not one sympathy card to us kids.

My dad and step mother did help us settle moms estate and attended her funeral.

My moms family always spoke highly of my father, if he was in town he was expected to stop by with my step mother and her children. If there was an event held for one of us kids at my maternal family house, example, my confirmation reception. Dad, step mom and step siblings were invited and welcome.

Shortly after DH and I married, BIL and his wife divorced after 20 years of marriage and 4 children. Instantly, his wife went from being the “model” DIL to being the worst person on the face of the earth!!! :confused:

I never really got to know her, I only met her once, although I feel bad for her and always try to remember to keep her in our prayers.

The thing that I see sad in all of this, is that the Catholic side (attending mass every Sunday+) of both families are the ones that cut ties as soon as there was a divorce. :confused: my moms family never really attended church. Although, IMHO they were the most Christ like when it came to this situation.

Honestly, I don’t see how people can just cut family out like that 🤷

Anyway, that is just my thoughts on this topic
 
BlestOne said:
On another thread someone said this : Now… I know the person meant well and I am glad that she doesn’t hate her son’s ex’s… but it struck me because I have problems with my MIL being nice sometimes and other times not at all… especially after she talks to DH’s ex. The ex DIL holds visits over her head and encourages the kid to ask for $300 presents for Christmas and birthdays… and when she brings my step dd over to “get” her presents she brings all her kids so that my MIL feels like she has to buy for all of them… and she does the same for her other kids grandparents… and surprise surprise… she buys my step dd almost nothing for these gift giving holidays… several years running it was a single CD for Christmas. Anyway, as I am starting to get off subject here… I don’t think it is a great idea to have an ex daughter in law play a large role in your life.

I am not saying that the OP does… or that she does what my MIL does with how she treats us…warm and cold… but i just wanted to throw this out there as to how it feels to be the “current” DIL when you are friendly with both.

I am constantly being probed for information by MIL when I know it is what dh’s ex wanted to know…

I am always being criticized because I am stricter on all the kids than my step dd’s mother is (because she ignores the kid 90% of the time)

I am evil if I tell my step dd that it is rude to ask for something so expensive.

I am a horrible mother because I “make” step dd wear skirts and dresses to mass…

The list goes on and on…

So tell me how you think relationships between ex and current in-laws should be… I admit being curious because I never thought I would have the problems with MIL over the ex vs. me
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I’m sorry you’re going through this…so I’m clear, it seems that your MIL treats her ex DIL’s kids better than she treats your children, is that right? In divorce, grandkids always remain grandkids…so, she probably is just loving them, as she normally would, had her son and this woman not been divorced.

I don’t understand the step dd situation though–ok, the step daughter is your step daughter from your dh’s marriage to the ex DIL but who are ‘the other kids’ that the DIL brings over? Her DIL’s new kids from a new relationship? Just want to make sure I understand.
 
whatevergirl said:
I’m sorry you’re going through this…so I’m clear, it seems that your MIL treats her ex DIL’s kids better than she treats your children, is that right? In divorce, grandkids always remain grandkids…so, she probably is just loving them, as she normally would, had her son and this woman not been divorced.

I don’t understand the step dd situation though–ok, the step daughter is your step daughter from your dh’s marriage to the ex DIL but who are ‘the other kids’ that the DIL brings over? Her DIL’s new kids from a new relationship? Just want to make sure I understand.
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Yep… you are right… 1 week after she kicked dh out… she had her current husband move in and she was pregnant with his kid before the divorce was final… since then she has had another kid and just recently adopted one (last fall) and she shows up at MIL’s house with all four kids to get the kids’ Christmas presents… and she even told MIL she would be bringing all of them so MIL would feel obligated to buy for them too…in the mean time she was in one of her “mean” phases (of course… she had just spent time with ex DIL) and didn’t even give my kids a card… it was pretty hurtful to them. It wasn’t about getting things… it was about being acknowledged. So at Mothers Day she was in her “nice” phase (hadn’t heard from ex-DIL since March) and actually said nice things to the kids while she lavished step dd with gifts (her birthday was that week) and missed my kids birthdays in Sept and Nov… it seems to happen this way every year except the first year we were married when she did send my kids presents for Christmas. My mom sends gifts for all the kids including step dd… I just assumed it would be the same. I mean, my birthday is 6 days after step dd’s and I always made the party about step dd when we celebrated together. What really annoys me is after ex DIL has been visiting MIL, MIL’s whole attitude changes and she makes judgmental statements about my mothering or insinuates things that just aren’t true… the same things exDIL has been known to say…
 
BlestOne said:
Yep… you are right… 1 week after she kicked dh out… she had her current husband move in and she was pregnant with his kid before the divorce was final… since then she has had another kid and just recently adopted one (last fall) and she shows up at MIL’s house with all four kids to get the kids’ Christmas presents… and she even told MIL she would be bringing all of them so MIL would feel obligated to buy for them too…in the mean time she was in one of her “mean” phases (of course… she had just spent time with ex DIL) and didn’t even give my kids a card… it was pretty hurtful to them. It wasn’t about getting things… it was about being acknowledged. So at Mothers Day she was in her “nice” phase (hadn’t heard from ex-DIL since March) and actually said nice things to the kids while she lavished step dd with gifts (her birthday was that week) and missed my kids birthdays in Sept and Nov… it seems to happen this way every year except the first year we were married when she did send my kids presents for Christmas. My mom sends gifts for all the kids including step dd… I just assumed it would be the same. I mean, my birthday is 6 days after step dd’s and I always made the party about step dd when we celebrated together. What really annoys me is after ex DIL has been visiting MIL, MIL’s whole attitude changes and she makes judgmental statements about my mothering or insinuates things that just aren’t true… the same things exDIL has been known to say…
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Wow…just wow. Why is your MIL buying gifts for her ex DIL’s children…to another man, not related to the family at all? That’s odd. I was just confused, sorry–I thought there were kids that your dh and she had in addition to the step dd you mentioned. So, these kids are not even her grandchildren? lol This makes no sense…but, it’s nice and all that she buys gifts for these other children, but why would you treat non grandkids better than your granddaughter, and better than the kids you have with her son, now?

I can’t imagine my son or daughter someday, getting a divorce from someone, and that ex-someone comes around with kids from another man altogether, and I’m buying everyone gifts? I don’t see myself having a chummy relationship with an ex inlaw who cheated on my kids, frankly, but I would always be kind to the children…and cordial to the ex inlaw, if I had to be put into that situation. But, not kids from another marriage…

You know, my MIL says it best…‘people make life harder than it needs to be.’ It was never meant to be this chaos, and confusion…I’m sorry you’re smack dab in the middle of it.

Now that I know the story better…just keep praying. Praying for strength, and wisdom to overcome the challenges you are facing your MIL, and pray that things will become easier for you all over time.

I’ll keep you in my prayers.
 
Hilarious… My MIL called dh last night to see if she could take step dd on vacation with them. Dh told her that she was welcome to try to get her mom to let her go but that is when they are moving yet again… and also when we are on vacation too… She said she knew her mom would say no because we already had her for our 2 weeks this summer and she (the mom) undoubtedly needs her to help with the move.

I just wanna know how us already having her for our 2 weeks should influence whether she is allowed to see her grandma.

Oh… other news… step dd is 13…remember that… when she came to our house this past weekend she informed us that her mom got her a car…
 
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