Exactly how important is family?

[Anglewannabe]

I just need to vent. Growing up, I did not live close to family so I never really understood this supper at Granny’s every Sunday. Now as an adult, I live in a town where my closest relative is an aunt that lives a 2 hour drive away. I drove to her place for supper, slept there, went to mass with her and my uncle and then left after lunch.

There is NOTHING wrong with her. She is a good host, well mannered and respectful. The only problem is she talks NON-STOP. I spent Saturday sitting at her kitchen table listening to her monologue for 2 hours. I could NOT get a word in edge wise. I listened to everything from all her friends grandchildren to the repairs on her house. On their own, each story was interesting. But to have to listen to some talk 2 hours non stop without pausing for even 5 seconds and then do it again the next day was frankly frustrating

I don’t expect this aunt to change and I understand it was her home and if I don’t like it I shouldn’t go back. The problem is, I am reluctant to loose touch because there are enough family members I had to axe out of my life for legitimate reasons.

It just seems easy to avoid an abusive family member. But to just not keep in touch with an aunt who is the only family (beside my mom) I have to keep in touch with over the fact she doesn’t know when to stop talking feels weird

Angie

 

[underacloud]

Angie,

That’s a question only you can answer really. But I think we can all relate. We all…or most of us…will have those family members who talk non-stop. Others will have other equally irritating habits. It’s up to you to determine whether it’s worth putting up with these quirks for the sake of the benefits that family bring.

For me, it’s worth it.

Not only that, but you may be doing a great kindness to your aunt merely by being an ear for her. Some people talk a lot when they have the chance because they are starved of decent outlets in their everyday lives. This is especially true for many women, who may be married to men who do not prioritise conversation. This is a common difference between genders and a good reason why a lot of women get talkative when someone other than their husband is around. It sounds like maybe your aunt values the opportunity to simply express herself to another attentive human.

 

[Xantippe]

underacloud said:

“Some people talk a lot when they have the chance because they are starved of decent outlets in their everyday lives.”

Yes!

It’s sounds like this relative is a good person, but that you need to enjoy her in smaller doses. A day trip rather than an overnight might be a better fit for you.

Also, you might enjoy her company more if you were engaged in some activity, rather than just sitting around. An arboretum or zoo or big city park can be an enjoyable outing. You won’t feel as trapped outdoors.

 

[Xantippe]

Also, it may be that you were being quiet, and she was desperately trying to fill up the empty spaces with chatter. That happens sometimes.

 

[EasterJoy]

“Yes, what else but home?
It all depends on what you mean by home.
Of course he’s nothing to us, any more
Than was the hound that came a stranger to us
Out of the woods, worn out upon the trail.”

“Home is the place where, when you have to go there,
They have to take you in.”

“I should have called it
Something you somehow haven’t to deserve.”

Robert Frost, The Death of the Hired Man

You don’t get to choose your relatives. You all just do the best you can with each other. When you only enjoy a relative in small doses, you arrange whenever possible to only partake of their company in small doses. That is OK. Enjoy them as you can, and let them enjoy you as they can. You won’t regret it having done it, when they’re gone, and if the most that Heaven ever asks of you is to endure the tiresome prattling of a lonely relative, you’ll have been given easy service, right? So hang in there, and know that no unnoticed act of charity goes unrewarded.

I’m guessing she was prattling because she was nervous. If not–that is, if she is just as bad next time-then here is my practical advice: Try interrupting her every once in awhile in order to get a word in, but interrupt her with something that is in response to your connection to what she is saying. That may well be how it is done in her family. If she does not like that, oh well. You tried. If it works, then you can occasionally use that to move the topic around, and perhaps even to get something of your own in, who knows?

 

[Anglewannabe]

Also, you might enjoy her company more if you were engaged in some activity, rather than just sitting around. An arboretum or zoo or big city park can be an enjoyable outing. You won’t feel as trapped outdoors.

I could not agree more. However, the outings always end with us going back to her place for supper and after supper is usually when it begins. To be honest, when her husband is at the table it is more enjoyable for me because then there are 3 people talking. Also, I sometimes see her husband do things that show how in love he still is with her after all those years and it is do cute! For example, he will walk by and purposely accidentally bump into her. I just wish instead of keep walking he would sit with us. But knowing him, he is probably trying to respect our space for girl talk

Angie

 

[Anglewannabe]

Not only that, but you may be doing a great kindness to your aunt merely by being an ear for her…

If that is the case, I would love to be charitable and wish I could do it with a big smile on my face. But I do get frustrated (for reasons that would be a whole other post) and I am very worried that it starts to show.

Some people talk a lot when they have the chance because they are starved of decent outlets in their everyday lives. This is especially true for many women, who may be married to men who do not prioritise conversation. .

This is probably true in her case. As I said in another post, her husband will purposely bump into her to flirt, but after 20 seconds of interaction with her, he has had enough

It sounds like maybe your aunt values the opportunity to simply express herself to another attentive human.

And this is where perhaps we have a generation gap. Her way of expressing herself is to talk about things and ideas. My way is to talk about feelings and spiritual growth. Perhaps that is why I don’t immediately think she is getting emotional support because she is not directly asking for it but going about it in an indirect way.

Also, I feel that after giving her so much attention, I want a bit. And she is a practicing Catholic and she will make statements about how it is sad kids are not being brought up in the faith. But as soon as I make statements about what it is like to be 43 and most of my peers are not Catholic, she no longer wants to talk about it. At least now, I am mature enough to not expect it from her.

Honestly, the more I think about it, the more I think I will keep in touch and put up with this for 3-4 weekends a year.

Angie

 

[Xantippe]

Angie said:

“Honestly, the more I think about it, the more I think I will keep in touch and put up with this for 3-4 weekends a year.”

That sounds like plenty.

 

[Petaro]

She is lonely and is probably delighted that you give her your ear. Remember Christ’s question "Can you not watch one hour with me? " Which one of us have not got one old woman who talks the leg off an iron pot? Love is often found in just time given to others. Grab the opportunity to love in such a simple way. You are so lucky for the opportunity. You never know, if you overcome your impatience you may enjoy the times together.

 

[Anglewannabe]

She is lonely and is probably delighted that you give her your ear. .

I have trouble believing she is lonely. Anytime we try to arrange a visit, it is always around her schedule she is so busy. She is involved in a lot of activities and groups that get together all the time.

I agree there is a reason she needed me to be charitable, but I don’t think loneliness is one of them

 

[Gordon_Sims]

I have an aunt like that. She lives on the other side of the country from the rest of the family and I hadn’t talked to her since I was a kid. I got talked into arranging some stuff for a party with her and after I agreed to it everyone laughed and told me I’d be stuck on the phone with her for hours. The first time I talked to her it really did go on for about two hours, and none of it was about the party. It was all about what her and her family had been up to, plus a little about me and my family. At the end of the call she thanked me for listening and explained that she sometimes rambles a bit since she never gets to talk to anyone in the family. A lot of the other people in the family have essentially cut ties with her because they don’t like staying on the phone with her. The way she put it, though, she wants to stay connected so she tends to go overboard on those occasions when she can get someone to take the time and talk to her. She talked quite a bit the other times I called her, but it wasn’t as bad as the first time. Realizing her situation made it easier to deal with, and the lengthy emails I sent her cut way down on the family chat the last couple times we talked.

 

[UbiCaritas]

It sounds to me as though you’ve come up with a good solution. For me, an inveterate introvert, being around someone who talks 24/7 is very tiring. Had I a similar relative, I’d probably do the same thing! Small, well-spaced doses. It doesn’t mean you don’t love her, just that you need your space.

You might consider sending her a card from time to time, too, or perhaps an email. I have a number of people in my life who I care about but who I don’t really like to talk to because they talk about, well, nothing for hours at a time. Sending a card or talking to them via email helps them to still feel cared about even as I keep my distance.

 

[Anglewannabe]

You might consider sending her a card from time to time, too, or perhaps an email. I have a number of people in my life who I care about but who I don’t really like to talk to because they talk about, well, nothing for hours at a time. Sending a card or talking to them via email helps them to still feel cared about even as I keep my distance.

Thank you for posting this, it actually got me thinking. This woman is the FIRST aunt everyone thinks of calling when there is a family get together. She has had several stories about my cousins who have flown 1000+ miles to stay at her place for a week and I have NEVER had a call to come join them for a meal. They are my relatives but I am not included and it hurts

When I cry on my moms shoulder, she tries to make me see the bright side of things, that these cousin tell dirty jokes and they are not the people I care to be around. But still, it hurts to think that I have to choose to be around family or be respected. I had to cut ties with my brother 10 years ago because of how bad he degraded me.

So, I think the shoe is on the other foot. I think I am the one who wanted to feel cared about and secretly I was hoping for her to spend hours listening to me and when it didn’t happen I felt empty

Not that I am going to mention it to her. She just is not one to talk about feelings. But it did give me some insight

Angie

 

[EasterJoy]

I have trouble believing she is lonely. Anytime we try to arrange a visit, it is always around her schedule she is so busy. She is involved in a lot of activities and groups that get together all the time.

I agree there is a reason she needed me to be charitable, but I don’t think loneliness is one of them

If she talks everyone’s leg off like that, it wouldn’t be hard to believe that she’s both very busy and very lonely.

“She’s the sort of woman who lives for others - you can tell the others by their hunted expression.”–C.S. Lewis, The Screwtape Letters