Excited about baby but not the complicated surroundings!

[JohnJames1972]

I’m not completely sure where to start. I was raised in the Catholic church until my parents seperated when I was 13. Eventually religion just faded from my day to day life. I’ve always believed in the teachings, just never followed them like I should. Fresh out of college I married a girl (I’ll just call her R). She was raised in an agnostic household. We had a secular wedding. As time went on and we started talking about having kids I began to remember my times growing up in the Catholic church. It was like a support group, or a larger family. I loved the community and even more important I loved feeling close to God. After months of trying we found out R has many problems and is currently going through ivf. During al this time our marriage got strained. She’s didnt understand me turning to religion and I hated feeling like a tool, only useful for my genetic material. Having a baby become her obsession. Then I ran into a childhood friend’s little sister (F) and before I knew what was happening I was madly in love. she was Catholic and understood why it mattered to me. Soon she was pregnant. I’m excited but nervous. This has to be a sign from God! I was unequally yoked and strayed but found my way back and was blessed with a child! But the hard part is explaining this to R. Im going to break it to her soon so prayers for courage and strength please! And for R to soften her heart and understand. I need an annulment I assume so F and I can get married in the Catholic church hopefully before the baby is born. Is this something R has to agree too? Also prayers for all of us in this situation please.

 

[Horton]

Wow! You have a lot in that thread. The absolute first thing you need to do is to make an appointment with your priest. Both you and F have made a mess out of things.

Hopefully someone else can give step by step advice but see your priest ASAP.

 

[1ke]

Make an appointment to talk to your local Catholic priest.

If you did not marry your wife in the Catholic Church (which I presume you did not since you were away from the Church) then you are not in a valid marriage. There will be an administrative paperwork process, not a tribunal annulment process.

To answer your other question, if you did have to pursue an annulment, no your wife does not have to participate.

You need to talk to your pastor about going to confession.

You need to talk to your wife, fed up, move out if you do not intend to reconcile. Stop sleeping with your girlfriend until you are properly married to her.

Infidelity is not cool, even though you are trying to wrap it in a religious package.

 

[angel12]

Soon she was pregnant. I’m excited but nervous. This has to be a sign from God! I was unequally yoked and strayed but found my way back and was blessed with a child!

You seem to be trying to make adultery sound like something God approves of. Get thee to confession. Asap.

 

[cmscms]

After months of trying we found out R has many problems and is currently going through ivf. During al this time our marriage got strained.

Of course your marriage got strained. ivf is sinfull and sin NEVER brings joy

I hated feeling like a tool, only useful for my genetic material. Having a baby become her obsession. Then I ran into a childhood friend’s little sister (F) and before I knew what was happening I was madly in love. she was Catholic and understood why it mattered to me. Soon she was pregnant…

umm… with all due respect, when a woman who is not your wife becomes pregnant, sounds like you are being a tool. Not to mention she obviously isn’t a strong Catholic to live a life where a married man spends enough time around her to fall in love

This has to be a sign from God! I was unequally yoked and strayed but found my way back and was blessed with a child! .

Please! this is NOT a sign from God. It’s more like a warning ie there is a child on the way, get your act together

But the hard part is explaining this to R.

Of course this is going to be hard for her ! no woman wants to know her husband got another woman pregnant

Im going to break it to her soon so prayers for courage and strength please! And for R to soften her heart and understand.

What ??? How selfish to expect R to understand

 

[tweedlealice]

Dear JohnJames,
So far, we stray into the lives of what feels good, is good. I can’t say that God sent you the Catholic woman for you to be in adulterous relationship. Perchance, he did send her but not for sex. She may have given you thought to end relationship #1 b/c you sensed the unequally yoked factor. If wife, wasn’t thrilled w religion, it starts to come under Pauline privilege.
Immediately, go to confession. Do not see Catholic girl till you and wife have divorced and an appropriate time before starting anew… check w your priest. Depending on timing of pregnancy, a delay in new relationship may not be possible. It takes a year to divorce, doesn’t it?
Sin complicates things.
Purity is our goal. I will say celibacy will be tedious but absence makes the heart grow fonder.
In the end, you will be freeing your wife for that special man, who loves her. Do not fertilize any eggs w wife. The big sin here is the church is not for IVF. It’s one thing to freeze sperm or an egg underutilized. If fertilized eggs were frozen, you have a baby! Throwing out is murder. Please God, have the involvement w IVF not be far along. Can you find a couple to adopt your zygote? If wife still wants your baby, there are financial and ethical problems. Hopefully, you’re at a simple stage. I do feel your future w.this Catholic lady will be spiritually fulfilled.
I’m so sorry for all your circumstances. Hopefully, your wife and you can part friends??
In Christ’s Love
Tweedlealice

 

[Lou2U]

Wow. I don’t think you’ve got much chance of your wife understanding here. She’s so desperate to have a baby and you’ve cheated on her and are having a baby with someone else. You need to tell her as soon as possible, so she stops having IVF with a man who’s leaving her - but tell her gently. I can’t imagine how devastating that will be for her to hear. And take responsibility. Don’t say “before I knew what was happening” or “it’s a sign from God”. Own up to what you’ve done and recognise the pain you’ve caused her.

Talk to a priest. The other posters have good advice for how to return to Catholicism.

 

[Legend]

Am I mistaken? It sounds as if your wife is using your sperm in her IVF! And, even if it’s not your sperm,you think your wife is going to take her concerns lightly (especially if she’s already pregnant), you have something else coming!

Did you know, in almost all states, if there’s any doubt, the legal father of a child is the mother’s legal husband at the time of the child’s birth! And, proving that you’re not the natural father may just not be enough, in the eyes of the law! IV fertilizations are especially in need of the protection of that law! A couple who have trouble conceiving a child have to, as much as possible, keep this law in effect-in short, the natural father goes into the agreement knowing he will have no rights, or responsibilities, towards his child! Do you think this changes, just because you ‘fell out of love’? I doubt it.

You seem to think that God has given you a gift of a child, through adultery and fornication. You’re asking Him to go against His own nature-rewarding sin, and giving you an easy way out, with the woman you just don’t want anymore!

Not to downgrade the woman you impregnated, and now ‘love’. (sorry…my definition of love does not include people getting together ‘at all costs’ , including a wife, and possibly a child, being cast aside because you just no longer care for them). I definitely feel sorry for the woman who is carrying your child, but, unless you really kept her in the dark about your wife, and possible child, she must bear some culpability!

At this point, I usually apologize for any’harshness’…but, in this case, at least one, likely two, innocent children are involved. Please speak with your priest, and try to make some sense of this situation.

And see to it that the child(ren) don’t end up paying for your mistakes!!!

 

[hoping4more]

Infidelity is not cool, even though you are trying to wrap it in a religious package.

Right now you are being a bad example to your current wife. Leave God and the Church out of your desires.

 

[heidi_storage]

I think the first thing you need to do is realize that you are treating your wife like a used tissue and committing adultery.

 

[TechieGuy]

You, sir, are a cad…

 

[TheLittleLady]

It sounds as if you are having marital relations with two women, neither of whom is your valid wife.

Go to Confession, lay it all out for the priest and listen to his pastoral guidance.

 

[SnowRose]

Speaking from across the aisle, consider your wife’s situation. To her she is in a valid marriage, she gave her word, wows and intent to the point of accepting the risks and physical hardship of ivf in order to start a family together with you.
As a reward, regardless of your refound faith, you strayed with a side chick, impregnating her and now you expect your wife to be understanding?
You may face drawn lawyers at dawn, once she has stopped crying.

Also, even if you get an anulment, what says you will be allowed to marry your pregnant mistress in church? Given your treatment of your wife, of potentially two children and of your homewrecker mistress, you are simply not husband material, and a rushed second marriage isn’t likely to change that quickly.

You need serious prayer, to say the least.

 

[Spark2]

So your wife is undergoing IVF, a dreary process that involves painful needles and invasive Ultrasound and hormones in order to build a family with you and you have abandoned her to have what she wants most in the world with ANOTHER WOMAN? And you try to make it out like it’s some cosmic stroke of luck??

You are contemptible. I hope she takes those embryos and has the family she wants and that she and the baby will never, ever see you again.

I am shocked and sickened by your heartlessness here. I hope you look at this and think hard about the places you’ve erred. I hope you are profoundly sorry.

 

[Spark2]

You suggest his affair with a new woman will lead to “spiritual fulfillment.” Yeah, I doubt that.

Dude has already shown he’s a morals free, and willing to leave a woman in a time of great emotional need. Its a terrible start that will taint any future they may have had. Plus, that woman slept with a married man. Maybe they deserve each other after all.

OP, you know, I hope your wife has multiples and that she takes you for every cent of child support she can possibly take.

 

[hoping4more]

For all of our anger toward you and your actions, you still need to make this as right as possible. See a priest immediately, today.

The right thing to do is to (attempt) to save your marriage. Doesn’t sound like you are willing to do that though. In either case, you should not associate with this baby mama if and until you have an annulment and are free to marry(the only exception to this might be to assist with child care but likely not taking her to appointments).

 

[Legend]

Also, I believe, the Church will insist that you get a civil divorce, before you can even apply for an annulment, or any procedure that would, in the eyes of the church, free you to marry again. So, you most likely won’t get to marry before your child, by the woman who is NOT your wife, is born. So, this will not be a quiet little ‘correction’ of your past behaviors!

Please-see a priest!

 

[TheLittleLady]

Most of the time, pregnancy is seen as a potential impediment to valid consent, so, the couple will be required to wait until after the baby is born to set a date.