Exhusband wrote to daugther :(

[BornAgainBrat]

Communication is a wonderful thing. Lack of can be hurtful. As long as he means no harm to his daughter let them communicate. If she want to reject it, let it be of her choosing, not what a MOM thinks. As long as the child is not harmed of course. She’s as much of his blood as hers. I hate to see young children directed away from a parent because one forbids communication. Nobody should be deemed guilty of whatever in a relationship they had with spouse to be carried over to their child. Let them have their own relationship and determine whether they are treated bad or good. If mom or dad wonders about influence he or she may give, they have become weak. Let the child have both a mom and a dad if possible. Don’t bar them from that. jmo.

Kids do accept the split, but many want their own relationship to form and not be directed by a ticked off one half. It’s good if a Dad or a Mom who splits wants to be part of their child’s future. Sometimes both the dad and the mom are pieces of work and basket cases. I feel sorry for the children that must endure and cope.

 

[flyingfish]

Communication is a wonderful thing. Lack of can be hurtful. As long as he means no harm to his daughter let them communicate. If she want to reject it, let it be of her choosing, not what a MOM thinks. As long as the child is not harmed of course. She’s as much of his blood as hers. I hate to see young children directed away from a parent because one forbids communication. Nobody should be deemed guilty of whatever in a relationship they had with spouse to be carried over to their child. Let them have their own relationship and determine whether they are treated bad or good. If mom or dad wonders about influence he or she may give, they have become weak. Let the child have both a mom and a dad if possible. Don’t bar them from that. jmo.

Kids do accept the split, but many want their own relationship to form and not be directed by a ticked off one half. It’s good if a Dad or a Mom who splits wants to be part of their child’s future. Sometimes both the dad and the mom are pieces of work and basket cases. I feel sorry for the children that must endure and cope.

She is not trying to keep her daughter’s father away from her. This is a guy who wouldn’t even send his children birthday and christmas cards for 2 years (? not sure about time), and is e-mailing his daughter as a way to create conflict and to bait the OP into arguing with him.

Maybe he has a shred of decency and cares about his children, but the whole no birthday cards thing makes you wonder. Could you forget to send a birthday or Christmas card to your children?

Of course children need parents, and if he actually wants to make amends nad have a relationship with his daughter, the OP should be happy about that. Thing is, it just doesn’t seem like this is what this guy wants.

 

[BornAgainBrat]

She is not trying to keep her daughter’s father away from her. This is a guy who wouldn’t even send his children birthday and christmas cards for 2 years (? not sure about time), and is e-mailing his daughter as a way to create conflict and to bait the OP into arguing with him.

Maybe he has a shred of decency and cares about his children, but the whole no birthday cards thing makes you wonder. Could you forget to send a birthday or Christmas card to your children?

Of course children need parents, and if he actually wants to make amends nad have a relationship with his daughter, the OP should be happy about that. Thing is, it just doesn’t seem like this is what this guy wants.

Well, it’s none of our beeswax really and I’m not into the sordid details of the somebody did somebody wrong song. I just hope both parents don’ t take their differences out on that young lady. While very young, she needs encouragement and to learn tolerance too and love from both sides.

 

[purplesunshine]

Communication is a wonderful thing. Lack of can be hurtful. As long as he means no harm to his daughter let them communicate. If she want to reject it, let it be of her choosing, not what a MOM thinks. As long as the child is not harmed of course. She’s as much of his blood as hers. I hate to see young children directed away from a parent because one forbids communication. Nobody should be deemed guilty of whatever in a relationship they had with spouse to be carried over to their child. Let them have their own relationship and determine whether they are treated bad or good. If mom or dad wonders about influence he or she may give, they have become weak. Let the child have both a mom and a dad if possible. Don’t bar them from that. jmo.

Kids do accept the split, but many want their own relationship to form and not be directed by a ticked off one half. It’s good if a Dad or a Mom who splits wants to be part of their child’s future. Sometimes both the dad and the mom are pieces of work and basket cases. I feel sorry for the children that must endure and cope.

As a note I never said that communication should be allowed I just said not e-mail. The problem with e-mail is that it creates a record that isn’t easily traceable and can be modified if you know what you’re doing…especially in free e-mail. With postal mail, or phone services its easy to track and trace and there are many, many laws to prevent harassment and fraud, so if the mother did ever have to protect the child she could.

And about your last post. Nobody’s a saint but ILuv has been more than accommodating in letting her ex give an 11yo a cell phone…which I think could be even more psychologically damaging, but thats a moot point. Even after permission, even after having every whim granted the husband continues to lie to the child and pin her against the mother. He was granted permission to send the cell, he had the address, he knows how the boys are doing. He’s messing with the mind of an 11yo!!! In this case, as in many, its the balancing act of a parent trying to prevent the damage of the mentally ill parent.

I know a scenario where its the other way around. The husband has a mentally ill wife…it wasn’t until a store camera caught the mother physically abusing the child in a minimart on a visitation that the father was allowed to control the when/what/and where of visits. The mother was caught in multiple lies and the children suffered even more greatly than their father. But the three, two girls and a little boy, still held resentment for a while…eventually with therepy they were better. The middle child in her mid-teens decided she wanted contact which the father allwed seeing he wouldn’t win. The devistation that rocked the house was astounding and it hurt everyone considerably.

In the average divorce situation it is cruel to prevent communication, but when a parent is mentally ill it is up to the other to walk a like of freedom and saftey.

Narcissists like the husband are the kind that make the 7o’clock news.

 

[BornAgainBrat]

Mentally ill and having an illness is subjective. So is being overly Christian I might add. We’ve a few that don’t help the cause in our bible thumpers with a background questionable and some with mental illness. I’m brand spanking new here so what do I know? Has a parent in this one been ruled insane or some would say having a mental illness? I would not advise they being allowed contact if so deemed that by the authorities. I side with the law and what they deem safe for this child.

 

[flyingfish]

Well, it’s none of our beeswax really and I’m not into the sordid details of the somebody did somebody wrong song. I just hope both parents don’ t take their differences out on that young lady. While very young, she needs encouragement and to learn tolerance too and love from both sides.

The point is that the father is taking his anger at his ex wife out on his daughter. Telling his daughter that he wants to get her a cell phone but mommy won’t let him (when the OP told him to send the phone), is just deliberate lying and trying to make the girl resent her mom/trying to make the ex wife contact him with an argument.

One can hope that he actually cares about his children and wants to talk to them, but the evidence says otherwise. Of course there’s always hope that he’ll change. But barring a brain injury of some kind to reset him I doubt that’s very likely

 

[BornAgainBrat]

The point is that the father is taking his anger at his ex wife out on his daughter. Telling his daughter that he wants to get her a cell phone but mommy won’t let him (when the OP told him to send the phone), is just deliberate lying and trying to make the girl resent her mom/trying to make the ex wife contact him with an argument.

One can hope that he actually cares about his children and wants to talk to them, but the evidence says otherwise. Of course there’s always hope that he’ll change. But barring a brain injury of some kind to reset him I doubt that’s very likely

You seem glass half empty. I’m glass half full. Being negative is not where anyone wants to be. I want to find a common ground where she can enjoy communication. I’m sure she’s comfortable with her mom as she’s under her roof. I hate rifts created for kids due to parent’s being very troubled with each other over some past incident.

 

[BornAgainBrat]

Has the father posted here? Are some here drawing conclusions from the mother? I hope not. Anyone can make a case one sided and it be supported to that end.

 

[joandarc2008]

No the father has not posted here - but many of us have known Iluv for while through here and developed these online friendships this way. Granted I am sure there are some sickos out there that could come on here and completely throw us a line of you-know-what to get us to react a certain way so they can say how bad Catholics are- we call those people trolls.

All we can do in this situation is advise the best we can and offer love and support. If Iluv were to be one of those people that were to be completely off and we had all misjudged here completely then the people in the real world will know and no harm has been done. Either way much of the advise is how to deal with her own anger, avoid situations which cause anger, keep the child from being harmed and being put in the middle, and furthermore, bring her and her family closer to God. It sounds pretty win/win.

 

[MercyMia]

Has the father posted here? Are some here drawing conclusions from the mother? I hope not. Anyone can make a case one sided and it be supported to that end.

A message board isn’t a court of law where both sides have to present the facts. It is an informal way to seek out advice, often times anonymously and to have some connection with other humans we might otherwise not encounter. There is an implicit disclaimer to any adult who is smart enough to press an “on” button on a computer and visit a chat site that we are to take everything with a grain of salt but to do our best to give advice based on the information provided. Often times, it is not just the OP who receives help but others who are reading the boards and struggling with a similar circumstance or who just need to hear some faith-based or scriptural advice. It is a wonderful opportunity for learning and socializing. The regular posters on here are very careful in giving legal, medical or other-wise serious advise and often refer posters to other resources or outlets that can assist them with more serious issues. The OP has kept her information anonymous and is not slandering her husband by using his name so I cannot see what accusation you can make against this other than a very stressed out woman who is seeking sincere advise from a Catholic perspective.

 

[Liberanosamalo]

BornAgainBrat, are you aware there are some personality types that make it completely impossible to find common ground with them?

They go through life jerking people around and make it impossible to be positive.

If you are kind or positive, they take complete advantage of you, while not playing by the rules of Christianity themselves.

Everything Iluv has written about her ex points to him being this kind of man.

Someone who won’t even give her his own address.

Won’t visit his own children.

Won’t support his own children.

But takes his step children to Disneyworld.

Some divorces go beyond a “rift created between parents over a past incident.” It’s often over a collective several years of many hundreds of incidents. And you make it sound like it’s 50/50 blame. No. It can be very skewed 90/10 or 80/20 or even 98/2.

In this case there is one parent who has sacrificed to take care of the children and another parent who walked off.

Draw your own conclusions.

And people don’t have to be officially declared insane to be completely impossible to deal with and unstable. Not every crazy person gets a diagnosis. There are many who are functional as far as it goes. But they make everyone around them crazy.

 

[embertx3]

A message board isn’t a court of law where both sides have to present the facts. It is an informal way to seek out advice, often times anonymously and to have some connection with other humans we might otherwise not encounter. There is an implicit disclaimer to any adult who is smart enough to press an “on” button on a computer and visit a chat site that we are to take everything with a grain of salt but to do our best to give advice based on the information provided. Often times, it is not just the OP who receives help but others who are reading the boards and struggling with a similar circumstance or who just need to hear some faith-based or scriptural advice. It is a wonderful opportunity for learning and socializing. The regular posters on here are very careful in giving legal, medical or other-wise serious advise and often refer posters to other resources or outlets that can assist them with more serious issues. The OP has kept her information anonymous and is not slandering her husband by using his name so I cannot see what accusation you can make against this other than a very stressed out woman who is seeking sincere advise from a Catholic perspective.

I am one of those that just happened to have struggled with a similar circumstances when my children were younger. I wish I had a computer then and CAF to help get through the rough times. This is like a support group on line and anomymous.

God bless