Expectant unmarried father

[jwashu]

My best advice that I would give to you as you encounter the challenges that lie ahead is to remember what true love is. It is Christ dying on the cross for us. It is not about a pleasant feeling, chemistry, or what’s in it for you. It is so much deeper and more meaningful than that. Love is not a feeling, but an act of will, a conscious decision. It is sacrifice, but ultimately it is what will bring you lasting happiness. Remember this when times get tough. You will need to give it everything you have got and then some. If you both have this commitment, then there is nothing on this earth that will stand in your way.

Sounds like you are moving forward well Matt. Personally I agree with the above quote 100%.

Love, true love, is complete self giving. Don’t get me wrong though, all husbands and wives fail at that from time to time we are only human. But when to people love one another and are committment to Christ’s love, it will work no matter how long they have known one another. That is what you two have to decern from each other in the coming months Remember that Christian Marraige isn’t a 50 / 50 situation, it’s 100 / 100.

I’ve known many people who had the move passionate, perfect match marraiges but didn’t understand the sacramental nature and they just didn’t list… the newness wears off, God’s Grace helps us continually renew our love with our spouse as His Grace also renews our Souls.

Joe

 

[Maxply]

Hey matt, congratulations! (although you may not be thinking it’s the world’s best thing right now). Kids are great in many, many, many ways. . . wait, here’s an example: aren’t you glad you have a brother or sister? How irreplaceable they are! And the kind of love you feel toward your kids is definitely much different than you feel for your parents or girlfriend. Really broadens you as a person.

It’s a big responsibility as well as a big blessing. Take it in steps; you’ll do fine. Don’t expect to become a pro at it overnight.

 

[duskyjewel]

I’m not going to say, “YOU MUST GET MARRIED!” But I want to add another dimension to the idea that one should not marry “just” because the girl is pregnant.

How does one explain to a child that he wasn’t important enough, all by himself, for his parents to make the sacrifice to marry when they might not have otherwise, and MAKE it work for his sake? That is an honorable choice to make. I think our culture has gotten too down on it. Just because this circumstance exists would not automatically make the marriage invalid. They can freely make this choice.

In any case, you sound like you are handling all this in a mature way. I will pray for you, your girlfriend, and your baby.

P.S. My parents got married because I was on the way, when they had only known each other a few months. They got divorced nine years later. However, my in-laws got married after knowing each other only a few months (no pregnancy though) and they are celebrating their 35th anniversary next year! And they even are of different sects, he being Catholic and she Presbyterian, though she started going to Mass and raised her kids Catholic. So, it can work, and sometimes it doesn’t. I think you should really give marrying her serious thought. If you conclude that it is not right to do now, fine. But it might be… don’t dismiss it out of hand based on our culture’s current dim view of marriage.

 

[whatevergirl]

Hi grand;

Just wanted to add…I think that you sound like a very mature person. You are aware of what went wrong here, and waiting to see if marriage is the right thing for you and your gf is very wise. You sound wise beyond your years–May God direct you on the path you both are to take. Prayers are with you and your gf.

 

[VanillaBean]

My heart goes out to you. I was in a similar situation a month or so ago (which is how I ended up on this wonderful forum full of very compassionate people!!) I miscarried before I got the chance to tell my boyfriend or our families, but I still went through the initial panic at the thought of being an unwed parent.

I think you have already made the best decision possible…everything you have said you are doing/will do in the future is well thought-out and responsible. So I don’t think I need to add anything in that respect. I do, however, know what you are going through, so I will be praying for you!! God bless the three of you!!

You might be surprised at how supportive people will be. I told three people (all close girl friends…2 of whom were Catholic) and not one of them was judgemental. This is PRO-LIFE at it’s finest…remind people of that if they are judgemental.

 

[kristacecilia]

See… I can understand why many of the good, very holy people on this forum feel that it would be the responsible thing for you to do to marry your girlfriend now and take responsibility for your actions, but I don’t get it.

I have had the benefit of an awesome catechesis, attending one of the best Catholic Universities in the US, having many mentors in the faith, etc, and I have always been taught that both parties have to enter into the marriage of their own volition, no pressure added by any outside person or situation, for the marriage to be valid in the eyes of God. That means that two people who enter into marriage- that were not previously planning to get married before said baby came into the picture- would be entering an invalid marriage.

I know no one here wants to encourage anyone to enter into an invalid marriage.

My advice is the same as what you have said you will follow: don’t marry yet. Make a sincere effort in your relationship with your child’s mother to see if marriage to her is a possibility. The good people here are right- love is a choice. But so is marraige, and marriage has to be entered into freely- that’s why the priest asks during the ceremony:

*N. *and N., have you come here freely and without reservation to give yourselves to each other in marriage?

Anyway, best of luck to you and congratulations on the new life! I have been blessed with 2 3/4 children so far. Take your role as a father seriously- you will be held accountable for it one day!

 

[duskyjewel]

I know no one here wants to encourage anyone to enter into an invalid marriage.

*N. *and N., have you come here freely and without reservation to give yourselves to each other in marriage?

Like I said, choosing to marry because of pregnancy does not automatically make the marriage invalid. It is a choice that can be freely made, in full awareness of the difficulties, and choosing anyway to take those upon oneself for the sake of the child. There are many ways for the married to sanctify one another,and this could be one of them. We sacrifice for one another all the time… that is, if we are doing marriage right. A shared goal, shared life, and shared history can lead to the growth of genuine love between a couple. A marriage does not have to be chosen for the reason of passionate love alone in order to be valid. In fact, how many of us have told previous posters that that by itself is not a good enough reason? However, going into a marriage where there is an obvious level of compatibility and caring, as demonstrated by the relationship so far and the resulting child, and with firm commitment to do everything possible to make the marriage work… that is honorable and certainly does not make the marriage invalid. It would be well if more people put the concept of commitment first, and passionate love and desire second, when considering marriage.

I never said the OP has to get married. In fact, I stated just the opposite. But I want him and his girlfriend to seriously consider the idea, because I think the pendulum has swung too far in our culture to a reflexive rejection of the whole idea, just as reflexive as shotgun weddings used to be. Reflexive doesn’t leave much room for reflection. We should be moving toward increased thoughtfulness. Maintaining the reflexive response, just on the other side of the question, does not represent progress.

 

[dulcissima]

The point that I was trying to make in bringing up the meaning of true love is that so often it is confused with those incredible high feelings someone has when they are getting to know someone that they are very attracted to. If he were to marry now, it wouldn’t only be the pressure of the pregnancy that he would have to worry about, it would also be that they both might be confusing the good feelings they have towards each other with real true marital type love. What’s more, when those feeling start to wane, which they always do, even when their is not the stress of an unplanned pregnancy, he needs to realize that it isn’t just because they are not “in love” anymore, that love is so much more than the “spark” or the good feelings. It might be hard as he is going through this, but I think it is really important to understand just what love really is.

 

[dprewett]

Hi,

I just found out my girlfriend is pregnant, she’s 19 and I’m 20 both in college and we’ve only been dating for 4 months. When i first met her things were blissful and pure, but after the holiday season and being separated we were drawn close together, and made some bad decisions. After some soul searching, both me and her agreed that we had stepped over the line and wanted to reform our lives, but that was before we found out about the baby.
We intend to keep the baby, (Abortion is definitely out of the picture), but she’s baptist and I’m catholic and I really wanted to raise a catholic family. She says she’s willing to be married in a catholic church, but we haven’t had much time to discuss religion and spirituality, so far we manage to tolerate our differences and discuss what we agree on.
There’s also the matter of confronting my family. My mother is understanding, but it always takes her a little while to overcome her grief and initial reactions to situations like this. My father is the same, and for him, things drag out much longer. I really need help on how to gather support for the child to be born, I don’t want my family throwing me out and leaving me alone. I don’t think they will, but its a scenario.
Also, seeing that both me and my girlfriend are still in school, can i get advice on my dilemma?

Boy do you guys need to sit down and Talk. So far you both seem level headed and making the right decision. I will say this, if you think you have a lot of questions now wait until you are married and have a child. You to made an adult decision when she got pregnant. If you get married and put your entire heart and soul into your new family you will find that many questions answer themselves. Trust me I have a wife 2 kids and I would not trade it for the world.