Experience with codependent spouse?

[Lifeisamazing]

My friend and I were discussing the difficulties of having a codependent spouse when the other is not innately codependent and is struggling to create a healthy balance.

My husband is extremely codependent and his mother raised her kids in an extremely codependent manner and still does. In the beginning, I knew something was wrong, but couldn’t quite put my finger on it. This all seemed loving, so what was missing? Aaah, now I know. This wasn’t love at all. That “weird” feeling I got- that was a warning of what was to come.

I have spoken to her about this and asked that she stop rescuing, stop dropping all to run to my husband’s demands, etc., overdoing, trying to take over when she is around me & my son. I told her that I will love her for who she is, not for what she does for me. She agrees and just goes on behaving this way, though she is aware of the problems she is causing (due to counseling with her adult daughter and my pleas).

So, I just try to create healthy boundaries for myself and my son, and unfortunately, that makes me the bad guy. I have been called all kinds of names to my face and behind my back, endured all kinds of tantrums from my husband. I am so tired but not crumbling ever, ever again. My husband is so patterned in this, and so unhealthy.

I guess my question is----Anyone been through this, and hopefully, gotten through to a happy life together? BTW, I am in counseling to fortify myself (christian counseling). Just looking for any real life stories. Thanks!

 

[Trishie]

You’re his best chance of ever changing but while he has his mother to run to and to complain about you you’re fighting a losing battle.
Any chance of your family moving far away?

Jesus said, “Have you not read that from the beginning, the creator made them male and female and this is why** a man must leave father and mother, and cling to his wife, and the two become one body**? They are no longer two, therefore, but one body. So, then, what God has united, man must not divide.” [Matthew 19:4-6]

My husband was extremely atached to his mother for many years. I was compared unfavourably to her. It wasn’t till she stayed with him while I was away visiting family that he became more realistic.

Without it being the least unkindly intended, but as a teaching method, is it possible for you to start telling your mother-in-law what she should do, so that she understands it’s not acceptable or welcome to interfere in anyone else’s life? If you explain to her rationally what you are doing? Just a thought.

 

[Lifeisamazing]

Without it being the least unkindly intended, but as a teaching method, is it possible for you to start telling your mother-in-law what she should do, so that she understands it’s not acceptable or welcome to interfere in anyone else’s life? If you explain to her rationally what you are doing? Just a thought.

Yes, I have spoken to her many times over the years. She is a wonderful person that truly has never been unconditionally loved and is terrified that she is not worthy unless she is appeasing everyone, doing everything, and for me that also means she is overstepping because of her need to be loved. She has poisoned her children and made them codependents, selfish, demanding, and fearful of losing love as well.

As I pulled away and set boundaries, I witnessed the panic and spitefulness it created in both my husband and mother-in-law. I spoke to her frankly and let her know that I love her and I need her to stop the codependence (she knows all about it. She went together with her 40 yr. old daughter who was still living at home, b/c the therapist requested it. She just can’t stop herself.) She agrees, doles praise on me, and tells me how wise I am, and then stops coming around at all and continues her grips with my husband since I am no longer playing the game. I approached her again, telling her to please come by anytime. Instead, she suggests that she wants time alone with my son once a week. I said, I have told you please just call me to ask if it is a good time for company, then come! Instead, she drops things on the front porch for my son, then leaves and calls my husband as she drives away. Since my husband is so entrenched in this behavior and is so immature b/c of it, ofcourse, I am to blame.

I am hoping the counselor will help him create healthy new ways of thinking.

 

[Trishie]

I guess there no chance you could move quite a distance away. It is very immature and disrespectful behaviour on her part. She certainly likes to punish you childishly for not playing by her rules.

You will go to the counselor with him? There’s no chance of a balanced story going across unless you’re there.

I do really feel for you.

 

[Lerin]

Without going into all of the details on such a public forum… moving 10 hours away (by car) with my husband and our children is what allowed us to be a real family with enforceable boundaries. His job transfer was truly a helicopter rescue from God.

Really… consider it. The “leave and cleave” verse definitely applies.

 

[Lifeisamazing]

A few years ago, I had hoped to move away. Oh, how I wish!! But that is just not an option. Plus, running from the issue is maybe not the way to conquer, as my husband is very willing to perpetuate the behavior with or without mom around.

I am going to counseling alone first. He is putting up a bit of a fight and doesn’t think it will help, and I really need support. I urged him to do the same. The counselor thinks it is good to go individual then wants to see us together to see us interact, than apart again.

I am asking the counselor to help me learn how to maintain healthy boundaries, yet let love in, and how to renew myself b/c this is very draining. To, also, have him point it out if I am doing things that contribute to problems. I am terrified my son will learn these unhealthy ways. Codependence can seem so “loving” when it really is very destructive to self and to relationships.

Really just feeling drained, tired, sad. I pray my rosary for strength. I pray to see fully my contribution to the problems so I can do an about face and restore health to my life and my family’s. Just love the rosary- it is wonderous!

 

[Lerin]

A few years ago, I had hoped to move away. Oh, how I wish!! But that is just not an option. Plus, running from the issue is maybe not the way to conquer, as my husband is very willing to perpetuate the behavior with or without mom around.

I am going to counseling alone first. He is putting up a bit of a fight and doesn’t think it will help, and I really need support. I urged him to do the same. The counselor thinks it is good to go individual then wants to see us together to see us interact, than apart again.

I am asking the counselor to help me learn how to maintain healthy boundaries, yet let love in, and how to renew myself b/c this is very draining. To, also, have him point it out if I am doing things that contribute to problems. I am terrified my son will learn these unhealthy ways. Codependence can seem so “loving” when it really is very destructive to self and to relationships.

Really just feeling drained, tired, sad. I pray my rosary for strength. I pray to see fully my contribution to the problems so I can do an about face and restore health to my life and my family’s. Just love the rosary- it is wonderous!

I can see how that won’t work in your situation. In our situation, we had to choose between Adam losing his job or moving away. It was so hard for me at the time, to uproot. But getting the physical distance allowed us to bond together as a family, and allowed us to be in control of the boundaries and family dynamic.

I’m sorry you are feeling overwhelmed in despair! Prayer and counselling are definitely great ways to keep yourself healthy and sane. :hug1: