Experiencing Overall Crisis

[dekutrash]

I have no idea where to put this so sorry if it’s in the wrong spot.This is going to be a long read, sorry. It’s just that I don’t know who I can go to and thought I’d be in good company with other people with the same beliefs as I.

As the title states I’m deep in the hole of a personal crisis, spiritually, emotionally, mentally…basically I feel like everything is imploding. Theres just so much going on I don’t know where to start.

I believe I can trace the beginning of a terrible period in my life to the spring of 2008, I had just endured a horrendous first semester of college and didn’t go back for the spring session. I didn’t have a job, I wasn’t going to school and as a result my relationship with my mother, father and brother tanked. I stopped going to mass, for what reason I don’t know why, I wasn’t losing belief or anything like that…I just stopped going. From early 2008 to December 2008 was a truly terrible time, my life wasn’t going anywhere, no job, no school, no nothing.

Then at the beginning of December I was offered a job by a friend of my brothers with the company he worked with, his mom is a manager there. I got the job and things started getting better by the spring of 2009. I was making money and slowly putting everything back together. I was still shying away from school and church. Summer comes and goes and fall is kicking up once again and I made the decision to get back into school. The Fall of 2009 was actually great, I was in school, making money and I believe I made an attempt to attend mass once again though I failed to keep it up.

I had a hiccup at the end of the semester, failing my math class. I’ve never really been good at math. Things continue into spring 2010, same as usual. Just living life and going to school, getting into the occasional spat with my parents and whatnot, basically all the things that happen at this age. I made some huge mistakes this semester and failed two classes which resulted in me being placed on academic probation, causing some real friction with my parents. Over the summer that all blew over and the fall has been quite a roller coaster. Now I have real fears that I’m going to fail two classes once again, this isn’t set in stone but I fear that will happen which will result in another suspension or even worse, dismissal from my school.

I feel like these past few months everything has been boiling inside of me, I just don’t know what to do. Over these long period in time I’ve gained quite a lot of extra LBs. which has knocked down an already low self confidence and self esteem. Ever since sixth grade I’ve been bullied and picked on yet never told anyone once about everything that happened, I managed to tell my mother one time and she suggested I seek counseling. I’m a shy person by nature and the bullying, weight, confidence and self esteem issues have been terrible to try and cope with. It’s embarrassing to say but the fact that I’ve never had a meaningful relationship with a girl is starting to catch up with me (I’m 21). I’m easily angered and I tend to have outbursts all the time. I have trouble getting to sleep at night, I usually go to bed very late. I feel so ashamed for what I’ve put my parents through, all the money they have wasted on me that I have never paid back. I’ve been such a terrible son with all the lies I have told them.

I just feel this massive void inside of me, it troubles me greatly but I’ve want to inflict harm on myself all the time. I just want to vanish, things seem so much better without me to make things difficult for my family. And no, I have not seriously considered suicide. Early on I’d break into tears and cry maybe once a month, then every couple of weeks, then every couple of days and now the slightest thing can set me off. I don’t have any outlets for my pain, so it just builds inside of me.

Even through all of this I still have hope, I hope and pray that I can get better. I know God is with me, I guess I just have to go through some hard times before I can get better. I haven’t received communion in nearly two years, the last time I went to mass with a purpose. I’m just so damn frightened to confront all my issues, so scared to stand before anyone all lay it all out for everyone to see. I’m just so tired of being afraid, feeling alone and hopeless.

What I need is a helping hand, encouraging words, any advice so I can start getting better. I want to get better, I know I can, I just don’t how to start.
I’m so terribly sorry for how jumbled my thoughts came out, I just needed to release it all.

 

[phoenixrrt62]

First, I am so sorry for your pain. I’ve been there, as I am sure most people have been at one point in their lives, you know?
Have you taken your parents’ advice and got a councilor? It sounds like you may well be suffering from depression. I’m no doctor, mind, so…you may want to speak to a professional.

I’m gathering you don’t really have many people to speak to…do you have a close friend you can confide in? Can you speak to your parents?

Sounds to me you need a sounding board to sort out all your thoughts, you know. I sense you are just overwhelmed, and when you get your mind straight and your goals become more clear to you, you will be OK.

I do wish you well, I hope everything turns out OK for you.

 

[sunsetshiner]

Hello deku
First of all your task right now is to concentrate on your studies and do your utmost to pass all your classes. Girlfriends can wait! You’re only 21, and plenty of time yet to go looking for a girl. Some people are happy not having a date !
Second is list the things you HAVE overcome, and the problems that are now in the past - your parents and family are still there for you, you’re in school, that is good isn’t it! So stop going over things and your mistakes - that is all they are at this stage, past difficulties and nothing that nobody else doesn’t understand either, because others have been where you are and moved on to new things.
Next perhaps is to just relax and accept that you are shy…it is okay to be quiet, at least it surely is the sort of personality which should give you plenty of time to read up on all sorts and study and instead of going wild (and sometimes the way other people seem at your age can be tempting to copy but can lead to misery -you just be you- enjoy being you)
Sometimes people do want to tell all their problems to someone. While it can help like your mum says, try writing a few things down as a list and then put it to one side. Not all the telling the past will change it, but sometimes a counsellor can put things in proportion so it no longer weighs heavy on your poor head
I don’t know what to say about a bit of temper - except punch a pillow instead of acting on it perhaps, and get out walking for fresh air?. Try to figure why and realise it isn’t helpful, again reading up on things may help you, and a counsellor could too.
Another thing is to try to attend Mass, and ask there for comments?
By the way, why not start on a good note and change your nic from dekutrash to something a little kinder to yourself? God loves you, and your mum does too - how’s about saying thank you to her and asking if you can help in some way?

 

[Edward_H]

Dek,

When I read your detailed posting this morning, I thought I was reading the life of my nieces and nephews, neighbors’ children, and a friend’s daughter.

These are fairly common struggles, including the occasionally distancing you are doing with God, intended or not. You’re not alone. This stage of life is a struggle.

I don’t know you, and can’t really recommend anything. Some options.

• Sincere confession - to the point, going after root issues. Don’t blabber to the priest.
• Followed by some talks with parents on your struggles. Need for patience, desire to sort things out. Begin again. etc.
• Stay close to God before you go through “dips”. Don’t just run to God when the storm clouds appear. Do that as well, but bring Jesus along on your struggles. Ask Him to help you maintain your joy of the struggle all the time.
• Think of 2 or more telephone poles with a wire strung across…the farther the poles are apart, the more tension and sag are in the line. The telephone poles are your approaches to God. Put more poles up, each day. Bring Him along your struggle, as you struggle. Morning offering, prayer time, scripture reading, short evening exam…etc.

God talks to us quite often through the people He puts in our lives. So be listening for His helps, perhaps through your parents.

Stay close to Him; He’s begging to help. Join your struggles with Jesus. Don’t white knuckle struggle alone. Put a supernatural motive into your work. Make your work a prayer, in fact: “My Lord and My God, I am doing my math for all the struggling souls; for all pregnant mothers considering abortion; for all my faults; for my selfishness; for my doubt; for the sins of all parents, etc.”

Do your work well, with the joy of a Christian struggle. Offer it to God for good use. He can do anything with it. He will do something beautiful with your sincere offering.

God Bless.

 

[James224]

Hello dekutrashout,

I’m 55 years old and what you are going through sounds very similiar to what I went through when I was your age. You’ve lost your confidence and don’t see a future. This is tough at your age because you don’t have the experience of life. You feel trapped. I’m going to talk about being philosophical rather than talk to you on something directly to do with the faith. Also, I going to tell you about what I was thinking when I was going through the same thing. When I was in college, I wasn’t a good student. I struggled with every class and finally dropped out after my third year. I was in accounting. By the way, I am an Accountant today! I didn’t know what I wanted to do and fell into accounting. I had no money and lived at home. I noticed that everybody around me was either doing good in college or had a job and wife and had their own apartment. It seemed that life was passing me by. All my friends seemed happy. When I looked at this philosophically, I found out that they weren’t all happy and some got divorced after a short time. They really weren’t ready for this. Some of my college friends that made good grades and graduated ended up without good jobs after awhile or lost their marrigaes through divorce or even death. Life went on and sometimes, I found out these good students had physical problems, etc. I don’t mean to be negative or wish something bad on others but it’s a fact that this happens. By being in school and not having anything may be keeping you out of a lot of problems others have going into the world and not really being mature enough to handle marriage or life. It could be a blessing in disguise. It was for me. So, you are struggling now but will probably have more than you dreamed of in the future even though it doesn’t seem like it now. I don’t know if your parents put an excessive emphasis on education but, if they don’t, you may find it liberating to leave college right now and get a job and apartment. It’s making the decision that is the hardest. Just know that you could return later if you want - when you’re ready. Not everyone is ready right after high school. Everybody is different and it’s nothing to be ashamed of. I would suggest you go to Mass every Sunday even if you don’t want to. Sometimes you just have to go through the motions. The grace is there and eventually you’ll get some inspiration and it will be something you want to do. Spiritually, that is, internally, when things are really rough, you should do the opposite of what you think and rest in the Lord instead of getting depressed or hyper. Trust. Do less about the problem and pray in quiet. You could read some spiritual readings and meditate. Enjoy being alone or do some good for others at church. You’ll quickly see the blessings you do have and will get inspriation if you help others. You’re never too poor to do that. Hope this helps a little.

 

[dekutrash]

Have you taken your parents’ advice and got a councilor? It sounds like you may well be suffering from depression.

I’m gathering you don’t really have many people to speak to…do you have a close friend you can confide in? Can you speak to your parents?

I haven’t looked into counseling yet, next time I go to the doctor I’m going to ask for a referral. And yes, I pretty much don’t have anyone I would feel comfortable speaking with. I don’t have very many friends and the ones I do have aren’t close enough that I would feel comfortable talking about such deep issues with. I’ve never talked about anything with my parents, though thats slowly been changing, mainly with my mother.

Girlfriends can wait! You’re only 21, and plenty of time yet to go looking for a girl. Some people are happy not having a date !:

Yeah but…it’s just that I’ve gone all these years without so much as having friends who were girls, its always just been guys. It’s not so much that I’ve never had a gf, not having friends of the opposite sex has, well…sucked. I have hardly any experience around girls, anytime something comes up my throat swells, my heart pounds and my voice shakes. That’s something a 12 year old should be going through, not a 21 year old. Everyone needs relationships/friendships with the opposite sex, not having any for pretty much my entire life isn’t emotionally healthy.

Next perhaps is to just relax and accept that you are shy…it is okay to be quiet

I’ve accepted that, but when it prevents you from making new friends or talking to people in general its really a downer.

 

[dekutrash]

I’d also like to add that in the time I posted I found out that I did indeed fail that second class. Coming of academic probation and having several other f’s from previous semesters I’m pretty sure it’s game over for me at school, I’m fairly certain I’ll be dismissed. Now I’m left absolutely terrified of my future, things have just gotten worse.

I’ve also looked into scheduling a private confession with my pastor since daily confessions are much to short (20 minutes). I feel like in order to start getting better I need to get a little spiritual healing and guidance first.

 

[sunsetshiner]

hello deku, I’m glad you posted,and so glad you’re thinking of a longer private confession as a starter - my own experience of confession I can tell you it is really “worthwhile” - my words are inadequate to explain how, but always the best place to start regularly.I’m sorry I didn’t mean to hurt you with my comments - I was shy at your age too .
I’m sorry that you think you may be thrown out of school. It may not happen, but if it does there are many famous successful people who didn’t get much of an education…and many more who get through an ordinary decent life on little education. Ask your mum what she thinks your strengths are…it may give you an idea on what to pursue for education training or work.
Edison failed 2000 times before making the lightbulb,sometimes we have to keep trying. you can read and write very coherently which is something to be thankful for, and they are skills which you can use in your spare time to keep occupied and enjoy leisure learning, whether or not this course folds, Again I hope my ramble gives some ideas rather than a hindrance, I’ll remember you in prayer.

 

[Bob_Crowley]

To some extent I went through similar experiences. I did all right at school, although by my senior year depression was settling in. I had a father who hated me and let me know about it. I had a rifle pointed at my head, was spat at, punched once when I was coming out of the shower, etc. So he was the major bain of my life.

He destroyed my confidence. I’m introverted by nature, but not necessarily shy.

So I had an uphill battle.

Now the first thing - is it necessary for you to continue with school or college right now. Failing more subjects is not going to help your confidence, and you’d be better to withdraw if you can, and just get an ordinary job.

If possible try to get a trade, as they are usually portable. An electrician for example can usually get a job anywhere.

You can always go back to school later.

On the matter of confidence building, I’d suggest you join Toastmasters International. I did, and I found it very helpful. It’s also cheap.

On the matter of female company, see if there’s a Catholic singles group. But don’t get into that with the short term view of getting married. You simply need to build up your confidence first in relating in an ordinary way with members of the opposite sex.

Keep going to mass, You may feel you’'ve let God down and all the rest, but He’s well aware our frame is dust. If necessary just go through the motions, even if you don’t particularly feel like you’re getting anything out of it. The main thing is to keep going, regardless of what else is happening in your life.

If you do all this, and things start to fall into place, get involved in something where you’re helping other people. When you see just how badly some people are treated by life (and usually other people) it tends to take your mind off your own problems.

And as long as possible, stay at home, It’s cheapest and you’ve got a family support network, which you won’t get anywhere else.

Finally it’s not the end of the world. The sun will come up tomorrow.

 

[Shoshannah]

Hi Deku,
A lot of great advice so far, I hope that you find it helpful. I just want to let you know that you are not alone in your situation, first God is with you as he is always. Also, there are many people who go through a similar situation while in college. I have a couple of pieces of advice for you:

If you are at a 4-yr university, perhaps you can take a semester off, take 1 or 2 courses at a community college while working part or full time? Lessening your workload might help to focus better on getting your grades up. This is sort of a compromise between leaving school altogether and staying in it full time. You might want to speak to an academic counselor to see all of your options.

It also sounds to me that you might be going through a period of depression? Your university should also offer (free or reduced) mental health services. Trust me when I say that many many college students take advantage of these services.

It might also help if you started a journal, and as sunsetshiner recommended, start it off with a list of all the things you have accomplished and are good at. Refer to it often, it can be a great reminder that you can accomplish much more

Finally, I would like to recommend exercise. Not that I am trying to suggest that you need to loose weight, but rather running, jogging, even going for a daily 10 minute walk is a great way to: release energy/stress, clear your mind, and bring up your mood. Additionally as it becomes a routine and you start to see yourself toning up, it is a great self esteem booster.

All of this of course is practical advice. In the process remember God, Mary, your Guardian Angel, and a whole army of Angels & Saints is at your side rooting for you. Make time to go to Mass, prayer, and if your parish has an Adoration Chapel try spending 1 hour a week with the Blessed Sacrament.

God Bless**

 

[dekutrash]

If you are at a 4-yr university, perhaps you can take a semester off, take 1 or 2 courses at a community college while working part or full time?

Actually I’m at a CC trying to work my way into a 4 year…

It also sounds to me that you might be going through a period of depression? Your university should also offer (free or reduced) mental health services.

Probably, I’ve looked up a lot of info on depression and it sure looks like I’ve been going through it for awhile. As I’ve said I’m going to talk to my doc about it during my January check up.

It might also help if you started a journal, and as sunsetshiner recommended, start it off with a list of all the things you have accomplished and are good at. Refer to it often, it can be a great reminder that you can accomplish much more

I have a bunch of word documents where I’ve just typed away at my different issues. I also started up an audio journal back in September, every week or so I’ll just speak my thoughts…going back and listening to them is rather depressing.

Finally, I would like to recommend exercise. Not that I am trying to suggest that you need to loose weight, but rather running, jogging, even going for a daily 10 minute walk is a great way to: release energy/stress, clear your mind, and bring up your mood. Additionally as it becomes a routine and you start to see yourself toning up, it is a great self esteem booster.**



I do my best to run every single night for an hour, and I’ve managed to make a pretty good routine out of it. The only problem I have is overeating and eating junk food a lot. There will be weeks were I do great but then a period of stress or something nasty will come along and I’ll just fall off the wagon. I was on a good run but the Thanksgiving happened and the extreme stress period started with the end of the semester and I packed on nearly ten pounds in a matter of days. I do agree that running is an excellent way to relieve stress and clear out the mind, if I could only stop the eating. I’ve also read that overeating is a symptom of stress and depression…=/

 

[Shoshannah]

Hi again Deku,

I would still recommend seeing an academic advisor/counselor to see all of your options.

Just because you write something down (or record it) doesnt mean you have to go back and read it Maybe after venting you could erase the audiotape?

I’m sure after you see your doc you’ll get a better idea of what would be best for you.
Meanwhile, it might help to read Psalms from the Bible.

Best wishes to you, God bless.