Explaining bad family relationships to children

[DarkLight]

I have a very…complicated relationship with my parents, for lack of a better word. It’s led to a fairly significant loss of contact, though not total, and some pretty strained conversations. My difficulty is that I am also taking a job working with small children. And children have a way of asking questions - innocent questions like “Are you visiting your mommy and daddy for Christmas?” or “Does your mommy ever tell you not to do things?” I don’t want to encourage these children towards ignoring or disrespecting their parents, but at the same time I don’t want to hide that not everyone has a good relationship. What are some good, child-safe ways of answering or deflecting these questions?

 

[VivienneJ]

I’m not sure of what age of small children you will be working with, nor in what capacity, but in my entire career of teaching children between the ages of 3 and 9 years old I have never been asked questions which necessitated revealing my bad family relationships - by the children. Sometimes their parents may ask more searching questions, which can be answered with a simple ‘yes’ or ‘no’ as your family relationships are none of their business.

If you’re in the situation of being a teacher, or teacher aide, to this age group, I do not think it would be at all appropriate to be bringing up the idea to the children of bad family relationships.

 

[HereAndThere]

As I understand it, you are concerned about children you will be working with. In that case, I think you should be mindful and respectful of the children’s parents, who may not wish you to introduce their children to the world of family discord. I know I would be very upset at a teacher or caregiver who did something like that with my children, no matter how gently she tried to do it. In most cases when working with children, anything about your personal life should be out of bounds. You don’t need to make children you work with aware of this personal issue at all, and in my view you definitely shouldn’t introduce this to them.

Here’s an easy way to deflect all such questions from small children. (You did say small - this may not apply as easily to older children). Small children are basically self-centered. If they ask if you are visiting your mommy and daddy for Christmas, you say “Oooh! I love Christmas and can hardly wait! How about you? What does your family do for Christmas? Do you visit anyone?” etc. That is, just reflect enthusiasm, and ask them the question back about themselves. Most small children do not truly want to know about adults, and certainly don’t want to hear about the complexity of their relationships. They want to talk about themselves, and have an adult listen and care. If they ask “Does your mommy ever tell you not to do things?” (and I highly doubt a small child would ask such a thing), I would simply jokingly remind them you are a grown-up now, then again redirect the question back at them - “I’m a grown-up now. But you are not grown-up yet. You are still learning. Now what was it your mother told you not to do?” I don’t quite understand the context you are envisioning for that second example, but hopefully you get the idea. That might be a case of trying to stall or see if you’ll give them tacit permission to be disobedient, perhaps. Just deflect/ignore the question, and put some form of the question back to them.

It is not dishonest to deflect their innocent questions, and it is prudent not to overstep your bounds into areas that really belong to the parents.

I wish you much success and many blessings in your new job working with children!

 

[maryjk]

When children ask you a question, you are not on the witness stand. Remember that. There is no, “the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help me God.”

An addition, if they are young enough, they will think you live *at school. * In their mind, the world revolves around them. Where you live, who lives with you and what you do after hours will never come up. It will all be about them.

If they are older, they can easily be deflected by turning the question around.

Either way, your personal life shouldn’t ever be a topic of conversation.

 

[robwar]

I have a very…complicated relationship with my parents, for lack of a better word. It’s led to a fairly significant loss of contact, though not total, and some pretty strained conversations. My difficulty is that I am also taking a job working with small children. And children have a way of asking questions - innocent questions like “Are you visiting your mommy and daddy for Christmas?” or “Does your mommy ever tell you not to do things?” I don’t want to encourage these children towards ignoring or disrespecting their parents, but at the same time I don’t want to hide that not everyone has a good relationship. What are some good, child-safe ways of answering or deflecting these questions?

For one thing, you do not owe anyone an explanation about your family situation. I think you are worrying about something that hasn’t even happen yet. If you are asked by some little kid what you are doing this Christmas, all you owe them is “I’m not able to visit this year”. You don’t need to go any further than that. You shouldn’t worry about what some little kid might ask because they probably won’t at all, they will be more focused on what they want for Christmas than what you are doing for Christmas. While you made a comment that you don’t want to “hide” bad relations, you are likewise not paid to burden little children with your family story and issues, its none of their business and is inappropriate to bring it up.

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

I have a very…complicated relationship with my parents, for lack of a better word. It’s led to a fairly significant loss of contact, though not total, and some pretty strained conversations. My difficulty is that I am also taking a job working with small children. And children have a way of asking questions - innocent questions like “Are you visiting your mommy and daddy for Christmas?” or “Does your mommy ever tell you not to do things?” I don’t want to encourage these children towards ignoring or disrespecting their parents, but at the same time I don’t want to hide that not everyone has a good relationship. What are some good, child-safe ways of answering or deflecting these questions?

"Are you visiting your mommy and daddy for Christmas? No.

“Does your mommy ever tell you not to do things?” Yes.

It need be no more complicated than that.