M
Mary_Margaret_1
Guest
How do you explain to your kids about what might happen after you die without terrifying them?
- Status
T
TheRealJuliane
Guest
How old are these children? What is happening in their lives that you need to have this discussion right now?
E
EasterJoy
Guest
You have to realize that kids under a certain age are very bad at risk assessment. When they find out that something can happen, they can obsess about what they’ll do if it does happen. If neither you nor someone close to them is likely to die any time soon, I’d leave the topic alone.
Having said that, I think that the general practice of praying for the dead and the idea of getting one’s soul ready for Heaven is a reasonable way to go. If there is a funeral for someone close to you, take them. If they start asking, “what if someone is not ready to die?” just change the topic back to what a sensible person wants to do, not what happens if a person if foolish enough not to do it. Stress that God is not standing at the Judgement Seat with a bat, ready to whack anyone who offends him. Rather, as the Lord’s story of the Prodigal Son tells us, God is always looking for ways to draw us into a relationship with him, even when we’ve been terribly offensive. The idea is to be careful that we don’t run off chasing what will become a steady diet of pig slop, not to lay awake nights worrying about the wrath of God.
If death is likely for someone they love, then stress that Jesus has conquered death. It is natural to fear death, it is natural to fear the loss of someone we depend on, but God will lead us through it when the time comes. We just need to concentrate on loving God and how we are loved by God, and not live in fear of what God has control over. We ought not fear that anyone is beyond God’s reach; rather, we ought to do everything we can to bring the love of God to others. If we do our work, we can trust God to do his part.
When my kids said, “Mom, I don’t want to die”, I found it sensible to say, “Well, of course you don’t. It is not your time. God wants you alive right here, and so it is good that this is where you want to be. Just because death is nothing to fear doesn’t mean that it feels good to think about it. That’s why we leave that up to God. When the day comes, God will get us through it, but God doesn’t want us dwelling on death. Dwell on God, and God will take care of death for you. That’s the way we are meant to handle it.” They seemed very satisfied with that.
Mostly, though, do not make a life of virtue about avoiding Hell. That’s selling fire insurance. Rather, make a life of virtue about having a real relationship with God rather than an imaginary one. Virtue is how we are meant to operate, it is what we are made for, right here, right now. None of the saints wished they had waited until the last minute to get right with God. Rather, they all regret that they didn’t get with sanctity sooner than they did. Virtue truly is its own reward, and mortal sin has its punishment right here, right now. Until kids are much older, I wouldn’t wave the fires of Hell in front of them. It is just too likely that they will concentrate their thoughts on something they fear.
Having said that, I think that the general practice of praying for the dead and the idea of getting one’s soul ready for Heaven is a reasonable way to go. If there is a funeral for someone close to you, take them. If they start asking, “what if someone is not ready to die?” just change the topic back to what a sensible person wants to do, not what happens if a person if foolish enough not to do it. Stress that God is not standing at the Judgement Seat with a bat, ready to whack anyone who offends him. Rather, as the Lord’s story of the Prodigal Son tells us, God is always looking for ways to draw us into a relationship with him, even when we’ve been terribly offensive. The idea is to be careful that we don’t run off chasing what will become a steady diet of pig slop, not to lay awake nights worrying about the wrath of God.
If death is likely for someone they love, then stress that Jesus has conquered death. It is natural to fear death, it is natural to fear the loss of someone we depend on, but God will lead us through it when the time comes. We just need to concentrate on loving God and how we are loved by God, and not live in fear of what God has control over. We ought not fear that anyone is beyond God’s reach; rather, we ought to do everything we can to bring the love of God to others. If we do our work, we can trust God to do his part.
When my kids said, “Mom, I don’t want to die”, I found it sensible to say, “Well, of course you don’t. It is not your time. God wants you alive right here, and so it is good that this is where you want to be. Just because death is nothing to fear doesn’t mean that it feels good to think about it. That’s why we leave that up to God. When the day comes, God will get us through it, but God doesn’t want us dwelling on death. Dwell on God, and God will take care of death for you. That’s the way we are meant to handle it.” They seemed very satisfied with that.
Mostly, though, do not make a life of virtue about avoiding Hell. That’s selling fire insurance. Rather, make a life of virtue about having a real relationship with God rather than an imaginary one. Virtue is how we are meant to operate, it is what we are made for, right here, right now. None of the saints wished they had waited until the last minute to get right with God. Rather, they all regret that they didn’t get with sanctity sooner than they did. Virtue truly is its own reward, and mortal sin has its punishment right here, right now. Until kids are much older, I wouldn’t wave the fires of Hell in front of them. It is just too likely that they will concentrate their thoughts on something they fear.
J
Julia_Mae
Guest
Why would they be terrified? Of going someplace where they are never unhappy, where they will always have friends, where they can see the dog, sibling, parent, grandparent who passed? Passing onto the next great adventure! (sans graffiti)
TV scares 'em enough about death, I don’t think we can do worse.
A
AthenaC
Guest
The rest of your post is very wise as well; this part in particular made me LOL, because it’s ver true.
E
EasterJoy
Guest
TV actually trivializes death. You’ll find very little on TV about the hereafter. People are killed on TV by the score, and the viewer rarely even sees most of them being carted off. The viewer too rarely sees anyone grieving the dead. People are reduced to video game targets.
Kids are only human. In what millenium has humankind not feared death? The unknown can elicit great fear, and in terms of first-hand knowledge, nothing is more unknown than death. And what kids fear most is not their own death, but the death of their parents. There is no “never unhappy” in that scenario.
More to the point, once some children know Hell exists, they will worry that they might mess up and go there.
a) kids are bad at risk assessment
b) kids find themselves doing stuff when they ought to have known better all of the time
ergo: some of us, upon finding that Hell exists, are nearly impossible to convince no one gets there by accident. Plus some kids are such worry worts that they’ll worry about everyone else who might go to Hell.
When the topic is so big as death, the only context in which a kid can handle it is the love of God. One things that kids have over adults is that kids are usually still very good at trust. “I say to you: their angels in heaven always look upon the face of my heavenly Father” Matt. 18:10b
T
ThyKingdomCome
Guest
Depends on the age of the child.
Basically, the fear is diminished by the knowledge that we as Catholics have the key to everlasting life. We can be confident (though not presumptuous) in our salvation if we follow Christ and His Church. These are lessons that are not taught in an isolated way, though. They are part of the entire instruction in the faith that is necessary for a child to have confidence in being on the right path, and to have true hope for ultimate happiness. I teach my kids at home, and this includes religion. We use a catechesis program (Faith and Life), which I would recommend to every Catholic parent as something worth using for their children (complete instruction of the faith at home should not just be something that homeschoolers do). If you teach your child the faith, and if you cover all of the bases, they will gradually come to understand what heaven and hell are, what sin is, and how it endangers your soul. They will also learn how the sacraments cleanse us from and protect us from sin, and how staying faithful to the Church will enable us to reach our ultimate goal, which is heaven. So my advice is to start formally teaching the faith, if you’re not already. These topics will come up, and your children will gradually understand and apply their knowledge to their lives. Just as important, you will learn along with them, so that you can answer their questions in a meaningful way.
Basically, the fear is diminished by the knowledge that we as Catholics have the key to everlasting life. We can be confident (though not presumptuous) in our salvation if we follow Christ and His Church. These are lessons that are not taught in an isolated way, though. They are part of the entire instruction in the faith that is necessary for a child to have confidence in being on the right path, and to have true hope for ultimate happiness. I teach my kids at home, and this includes religion. We use a catechesis program (Faith and Life), which I would recommend to every Catholic parent as something worth using for their children (complete instruction of the faith at home should not just be something that homeschoolers do). If you teach your child the faith, and if you cover all of the bases, they will gradually come to understand what heaven and hell are, what sin is, and how it endangers your soul. They will also learn how the sacraments cleanse us from and protect us from sin, and how staying faithful to the Church will enable us to reach our ultimate goal, which is heaven. So my advice is to start formally teaching the faith, if you’re not already. These topics will come up, and your children will gradually understand and apply their knowledge to their lives. Just as important, you will learn along with them, so that you can answer their questions in a meaningful way.
E
etmom
Guest
Not always. My children’s younger brother died (our son) and my children were very concerned about him being all alone. His parents are on earth (us) as are his siblings and grandparents. To them, that is utterly terrifying from their perspective. To be all alone, without a single family member. Not to mention the fact that yes, children can die, which was not a thought they had had before.
My kids don’t watch tv
J
Julia_Mae
Guest
Well, did you think when you found out China existed you could end up there by accident? Sorry it wasn’t explained clearly.
J
Julia_Mae
Guest
I’m so very sorry for your loss.
E
EasterJoy
Guest
Not clear, I guess! Who ever told you that a single deliberate sin could send you permamently to China?
Honestly, if you’ve never heard a Catholic kid who’d been taught about Hell say he or she was afraid of dying and going to Hell or someone he or she knew going to Hell at some point as a kid, you’ve not asked around much.
That’s not to say that Hell ought never be taught, but that it is not realistic to believe that Catholic children are never going to find anything remotely terrifying about the prospect of dying. Kids get terrified about stuff under their beds that isn’t there, has never been there, and is never going to be there. The topic of death, too, has been known to produce a certain amount of irrationality in human beings who think about. It just does.
L
Luna_Lovecraft
Guest
Don’t overlook the power of literature to help kids understand, process, and cope with death. Picture books can be especially powerful. Check with the children’s librarian at your local public library or the library media teacher at your parish school for title recommendations based on your kids’ ages and needs.
Luna
T
twoangels
Guest
I personally don’t remember not knowing about death. I remember spending the night at my grandmother’s frequently. I know this ended before I started kindergarten because we moved. She’d sit with me in bed and teach me my prayers. One of the prayers she taught me was “Now I lay me down to sleep.” Once she’d leave, I’d pray to God that I wouldn’t die in my sleep because I was just a little girl. I think had it been a prayer that didn’t frightened me, it would never have motivated to pray on my own at such a young age. This would have limited my spiritual development as a child.
I personally think learning about death at a young age helps you to deal with it better as an adult. Generations before lived with death far more regularly than we did. Our culture tends to sugarcoat death to an obsession where we spend tons of money turning our lived one’s bodies into an appearence that is far less disturbing than what they actually look like. Meanwhile generations past frequently had families clean the bodies themselves and allowed the body to smell. The coffins were much less elaborate. People didn’t spend funerals comforting themselves with thoughts that their loved ones were in Heaven. They spent their time praying for their loved ones.
I think children are perfectly capable of handling death. My only concern would be nightmares that might interupt my sleep. That being the case, I’d recommend avoiding talking about it just before bed time. Other than that, have a go. My husband and I completely intend on telling our children the original fairy tales rather than the watered down versions.
T
twoangels
Guest
I also want to add that children face something different in death than adults. During adulthood, we are far more aware of our inter-dependence. We are aware of our vulnerability and the fact of other’s vulnerabilities. Children are not aware of this condition in adults. They are completely dependant on us. Thus our own emotional reactions dictate their emotional reactions. If we look to them to tell us if they’re ok, than they see our level of uncertainty and panic. If they see us calm and we calmly affirm “You’re ok.” that alone feels safe. They have no concept that we possess our own volunerabilities and uncertainities.
We rely more on the structure of our relationships for balance. We can see how vitally important every person is in that interdependant struggle and we see the need to mutually support each other in a loved one’s death. Child do not have the same need. They’re not relying on a structure. They’re relying on adult individuals. Its all about who is entrusted completely with their care. Their hardest adjustment is when they have to readjust to new individual caregivers. This is why I think classroom environments with changing teachers at young ages is not good for young children. They need steady caregivers. Its a lot to move from one individual to another and another. They need to rely on a stable bond between them and their caregiver.
As such, when dealing with death, you have to consider who is dying. Fun grandpa they saw one a week? They’ll be fine. An aunt they barely remember? They’ll be fine. A peer their own age? It’ll be a lesson in their own mortality and will shake their level of trust in the level of safety in adults. They’ll miss their friend, but it won’t be different than if they moved away from their friend. Their mother? That’s the hard one. Who can really replace the bond between mother and child? Moreover again this shows a child that their dependant support structure is not as stable as they expected. This is really where you have to emphasis God’s care for all of us. The adult entrusted with the child’s care has to keep all appearences at self confidence and help the child form a bond of safety with that adult. But that’s really it.
Interdependence comes later in life.
We rely more on the structure of our relationships for balance. We can see how vitally important every person is in that interdependant struggle and we see the need to mutually support each other in a loved one’s death. Child do not have the same need. They’re not relying on a structure. They’re relying on adult individuals. Its all about who is entrusted completely with their care. Their hardest adjustment is when they have to readjust to new individual caregivers. This is why I think classroom environments with changing teachers at young ages is not good for young children. They need steady caregivers. Its a lot to move from one individual to another and another. They need to rely on a stable bond between them and their caregiver.
As such, when dealing with death, you have to consider who is dying. Fun grandpa they saw one a week? They’ll be fine. An aunt they barely remember? They’ll be fine. A peer their own age? It’ll be a lesson in their own mortality and will shake their level of trust in the level of safety in adults. They’ll miss their friend, but it won’t be different than if they moved away from their friend. Their mother? That’s the hard one. Who can really replace the bond between mother and child? Moreover again this shows a child that their dependant support structure is not as stable as they expected. This is really where you have to emphasis God’s care for all of us. The adult entrusted with the child’s care has to keep all appearences at self confidence and help the child form a bond of safety with that adult. But that’s really it.
Interdependence comes later in life.
T
TheRealJuliane
Guest
Also, depending on the age of the child, can cause doubt that God really cares, or the belief that God is punishing them for something they did. Children should always get some sort of grief counseling when a parent dies. It’s just too foundational to get through without help.
J
Julia_Mae
Guest
But the thread isn’t about how people messed up the minds of kids in the past, it’s what we say now.
Death is a great thing, it’s really the best thing for the person who passes. Well, unless they are totally immersed in unrepentant evil, I guess. We have jobs here, and we need to do them the best we can, and then we get to go on to the next part of life. The point is: life is eternal - right now - not after we die. Bodies die, people don’t.
They have parties in Heaven when we pass to welcome us. People left behind are often terribly sad at the huge holes left their lives, but grief is a sign of love and love is always a blessing.
What we say is: they’re fine, alive and well, and they know we still love them and they us, and that will never end.
F
familyof4
Guest
etmom, I am saddened to learn of your loss. My prayers are with you.
L
Litcrit
Guest
My older daughter very conveniently asked “Will she get up again?” when she saw an old lady die in bed in a movie once. I think she was referring back to Snow White and Sleeping Beauty, which are also convenient and symbolically apt.
I could honestly say “yes.” We will all rise again, resurrected.
Children are literal and sometimes “your body rots but your soul is with God” can be confusing - as it should be, because separating the body from the soul is unnatural, and terrifying, and the consequence of Original sin. “We will all rise again” is, in my experience, reassuring and true, and “you go to be with God first” is nice too.
I could honestly say “yes.” We will all rise again, resurrected.
Children are literal and sometimes “your body rots but your soul is with God” can be confusing - as it should be, because separating the body from the soul is unnatural, and terrifying, and the consequence of Original sin. “We will all rise again” is, in my experience, reassuring and true, and “you go to be with God first” is nice too.
M
Mary_Margaret_1
Guest
Thanks everybody… This was just a theoretical question, as I’m presently trying to discern my vocation.
God bless all!
God bless all!
J
jmcrae
Guest
And they always look like they are falling peacefully asleep. Real death is way messier than that.
I think, if the question comes up, be honest with kids that death is very difficult to deal with. Talk to them about God’s love, and make sure they understand that God wants them to go to Heaven - but that they have to be part of the process; it’s not automatic - we need to be good people who love Jesus and do our best.
- Status