Explaining Differing Holiday Traditions to my Children

[pensmama87]

As I’ve mentioned in a few other threads, I babysit two boys (6 and 3) in my home in addition to caring for my own children (3 and 1). The family is nominally Christian, and they have no problem with the Catholic stuff in our house, their kids occasionally watching a VeggieTales movie, or the books about the saints that they like to look at. But now that it’s December I’m running into some issues I didn’t think I’d deal with for a few years yet, and now I have to start figuring it out.

Basically, the 6 year old talks about Christmas nonstop. And to him, Christmas means Santa and presents. This would be fine, except that now my 3 year old has picked it up, and says to me things like, “Mommy, Santa says no fighting or we don’t get presents,” or, “Do we have an Elf on the Shelf at our house?” We don’t “do Santa” the way this family does, and we really didn’t want to.

So far, I’ve tried to just change the topic when it comes up and get the 6 year old talking about something else. I’ve talked to my 3 year old about St. Nicholas and how he gave gifts to little children to make them happy, and that we remember that at Christmas and on his saint day, but that’s about the extent of “Santa-ness” we want in our house. When he asks me about the reindeer and the North Pole and coming down the chimney, I just awkwardly change the subject, because I know if I say “no, that’s not right,” he will tell the 6 year old so, and that’s not a conversation I want to have with the 6 year old or with his parents.

It is difficult, too, when the 6 year old says directly to me, “Santa will come with his reindeer and come down the chimney and give us presents, but only if the Elf on the Shelf says that we were good. Right?” So far I’ve managed by going, “Uhhhhhhh…wow, look at that puzzle!” but I don’t know how long that one is going to last me. When he asked me where our elf was, I said, “Oh, we don’t do that at our house” and he was very confused. Whoooooops.

When we’re out and about and overhear a conversation or someone asks the kids, “So, what do you want Santa to bring you this Christmas?” it’s a one-time thing so it can be deflected and then forgotten. But this is a serious chunk of time, in my home, four days per week. I also don’t know how I would bring it up with parents, because I only ever see them at pickup and dropoff and it doesn’t seem such a big deal that I would arrange a separate meeting to say, “Hey, get your kid to be quiet about Santa, because we do Santa, but not the way you do.”

I expected to have to answer these kinds of questions at some point, but I was thinking school-age, when (hopefully) my son would have learned a little bit better how to not spoil that kind of thing for other children. This is a little early for me and I have definitely been caught off guard.

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

As I’ve mentioned in a few other threads, I babysit two boys (6 and 3) in my home in addition to caring for my own children (3 and 1). The family is nominally Christian, and they have no problem with the Catholic stuff in our house, their kids occasionally watching a VeggieTales movie, or the books about the saints that they like to look at. But now that it’s December I’m running into some issues I didn’t think I’d deal with for a few years yet, and now I have to start figuring it out.

Basically, the 6 year old talks about Christmas nonstop. And to him, Christmas means Santa and presents. This would be fine, except that now my 3 year old has picked it up, and says to me things like, “Mommy, Santa says no fighting or we don’t get presents,” or, “Do we have an Elf on the Shelf at our house?” We don’t “do Santa” the way this family does, and we really didn’t want to.

So far, I’ve tried to just change the topic when it comes up and get the 6 year old talking about something else. I’ve talked to my 3 year old about St. Nicholas and how he gave gifts to little children to make them happy, and that we remember that at Christmas and on his saint day, but that’s about the extent of “Santa-ness” we want in our house. When he asks me about the reindeer and the North Pole and coming down the chimney, I just awkwardly change the subject, because I know if I say “no, that’s not right,” he will tell the 6 year old so, and that’s not a conversation I want to have with the 6 year old or with his parents.

It is difficult, too, when the 6 year old says directly to me, “Santa will come with his reindeer and come down the chimney and give us presents, but only if the Elf on the Shelf says that we were good. Right?” So far I’ve managed by going, “Uhhhhhhh…wow, look at that puzzle!” but I don’t know how long that one is going to last me. When he asked me where our elf was, I said, “Oh, we don’t do that at our house” and he was very confused. Whoooooops.

When we’re out and about and overhear a conversation or someone asks the kids, “So, what do you want Santa to bring you this Christmas?” it’s a one-time thing so it can be deflected and then forgotten. But this is a serious chunk of time, in my home, four days per week. I also don’t know how I would bring it up with parents, because I only ever see them at pickup and dropoff and it doesn’t seem such a big deal that I would arrange a separate meeting to say, “Hey, get your kid to be quiet about Santa, because we do Santa, but not the way you do.”

I expected to have to answer these kinds of questions at some point, but I was thinking school-age, when (hopefully) my son would have learned a little bit better how to not spoil that kind of thing for other children. This is a little early for me and I have definitely been caught off guard.

From day one we have told our children that Santa is pretend. They still love it. And they know that “Santa” is St. Nicholas. There is a meme with a picture of St Nicholas and something about him having presents and punching heretics (Arius) My kids and I get a kick out of this! They know and have always known that the santa at the store or who leaves gifts for them from grandma and grandpa is not “santa”. This year my wife and I decided to give the children their Christmas presents from us on St Nicholas’s feast day. They will still have many presents to open on Christmas. They really enjoy the idea of Santa on Christmas even though they have never thought it real. They get into it and realize that others do think it is real so they play along.

We do “Holy Heros” And the St Andrew’s Novena as well as other advent activities like a Jesse Tree etc. But we also do “Elf on the Shelf” and my wife hides it every day.

Honestly sometimes if we just talk about things openly with our children (even if they are 6) they understand more than we give them credit for.

I suggest talking about what “santa” represents and telling them that the other children have things they do with their families that could be different than ours. Perhaps telling them to share stories of Jesus’ Birth or other activities could be beneficial. What about something like the St andrew’s novena even with the other children participating? Would the other parents be ok with that?

 

[Sophie_Lawrence]

I thought that the question would be more like, “My children are Catholic and celebrate Christmas, now they realize that not everybody celebrates Christmas”

We have done Santa in my home. Not a huge, all month long “SANTA’S coming!!!” But more like, Santa comes, brings presents, eats some cookies, and leaves. Santa also leaves a little note.

I do tell my children sometimes that Santa will bring them socks and underwear if they misbehave…but that’s only playing on my part.

I would just not focus much on what the little boy says . Instead keep Baby Jesus the focus of the holiday.

 

[Joe_5859]

I’ve never heard of this “elf on a shelf” thing before.

Ideally, you could just tell your child whatever you want and let the chips fall where they may with regards to the rest. But since you are getting paid to look after these other children, that is probably not the best approach. I think I would probably continue to deflect it as much as possible and turn my child’s attention to Jesus.

 

[Auntie_A]

“He knows when you are sleeping…he knows when you are bad or good …”

You can use these words to explain that Santa Claus, based on St Nicholas, is a reflection of God…and God knows everything, even when no one is around. This gives any three year old a start at building a conscience.

Remember that around age seven is considered the age of reason so don’t expect complete transformation. However, it didn’t hurt me or my siblings to learn that we were being watched, even when our parents weren’t around.

That development of consciousness of God’s closeness as well as development of conscience stays with me today.

“Santa is one of God’s angels”, though not completely correct is good enough for a three year old to grasp the important concepts. Then: “that one is just a man dressed up as Santa” or those are just pretend pictures of Santa: the real one is better!" That will be your influence on the other kids who come to your home so they won’t be disturbed or fooled by psycho-santas and such.

 

[pianistclare]

paracletepress.com/saint-nicholas-and-the-mouse-of-myra.html

this is a really cute book that tells how St. Nicholas teaches us about the REAL meaning of Christmas as he relates his story to a tiny mouse.
Done in cartoon format, you could read a couple of pages a day to the kids. Nothing that anyone would be upset about. At the end, the mouse speculates that they should move to the North pole and make presents for children, at which St. Nicholas cracks up and says…well…maybe???

Very cute. St. Nicholas at our parish will be reading this to the children in Faith Formation this Sunday, and giving out those little chocolate gold coins. Check it out.
Clare

 

[pensmama87]

**Honestly sometimes if we just talk about things openly with our children (even if they are 6) they understand more than we give them credit for. **

I suggest talking about what “santa” represents and telling them that the other children have things they do with their families that could be different than ours. Perhaps telling them to share stories of Jesus’ Birth or other activities could be beneficial. What about something like the St andrew’s novena even with the other children participating? Would the other parents be ok with that?

The parents would probably be OK with that. Basically, what you’re describing sounds like what I want to do with my kids - other people have different things they do with their families. That might be something I could tell the 6 year old (what I tried to do with the “elf on the shelf”) - but it really bothered him that we did things differently. He is very interested in knowing the “right” way to do things, which sometimes leaves me at a loss for what to say to him when I know that his family does things differently. I can easily imagine he’s the kind of kid who is going to be absolutely crushed that Santa is pretend (additional reluctance to say such a thing to my 3 year old).

I’ve never heard of this “elf on a shelf” thing before.

Ideally, you could just tell your child whatever you want and let the chips fall where they may with regards to the rest. But since you are getting paid to look after these other children, that is probably not the best approach. I think I would probably continue to deflect it as much as possible and turn my child’s attention to Jesus.

Yup.

Maybe Hoosier Daddy can explain it more since his family does it, but my understanding is that Santa sends an elf from his workshop who watches the kids during December and reports back on their behavior. Parents will set the elf up doing different things around the house during the night so the elf is more than just another toy.

We do have a toy Advent calendar and an Advent wreath on the table, and I’ve talked about how this is the time we wait for Jesus to be born, and Christmas is Jesus’s birthday and that’s what makes the day so special. We move the pieces of our nativity set every day for Mary and Joseph to travel to Bethlehem, then we’ll put in baby Jesus on Christmas Day, and the Wise Men will start their travels. For St. Nicholas Day the kids will get a few pieces of candy in their shoes. So we have our traditions that we are doing, too - I just don’t want it to be overshadowed by the constant Santa talk (which has definitely made my son curious!)

 

[tabycat]

As I’ve mentioned in a few other threads, I babysit two boys (6 and 3) in my home in addition to caring for my own children (3 and 1). The family is nominally Christian, and they have no problem with the Catholic stuff in our house, their kids occasionally watching a VeggieTales movie, or the books about the saints that they like to look at. But now that it’s December I’m running into some issues I didn’t think I’d deal with for a few years yet, and now I have to start figuring it out.

Basically, the 6 year old talks about Christmas nonstop. And to him, Christmas means Santa and presents. This would be fine, except that now my 3 year old has picked it up, and says to me things like, “Mommy, Santa says no fighting or we don’t get presents,” or, “Do we have an Elf on the Shelf at our house?” We don’t “do Santa” the way this family does, and we really didn’t want to.

So far, I’ve tried to just change the topic when it comes up and get the 6 year old talking about something else. I’ve talked to my 3 year old about St. Nicholas and how he gave gifts to little children to make them happy, and that we remember that at Christmas and on his saint day, but that’s about the extent of “Santa-ness” we want in our house. When he asks me about the reindeer and the North Pole and coming down the chimney, I just awkwardly change the subject, because I know if I say “no, that’s not right,” he will tell the 6 year old so, and that’s not a conversation I want to have with the 6 year old or with his parents.

It is difficult, too, when the 6 year old says directly to me, “Santa will come with his reindeer and come down the chimney and give us presents, but only if the Elf on the Shelf says that we were good. Right?” So far I’ve managed by going, “Uhhhhhhh…wow, look at that puzzle!” but I don’t know how long that one is going to last me. When he asked me where our elf was, I said, “Oh, we don’t do that at our house” and he was very confused. Whoooooops.

When we’re out and about and overhear a conversation or someone asks the kids, “So, what do you want Santa to bring you this Christmas?” it’s a one-time thing so it can be deflected and then forgotten. But this is a serious chunk of time, in my home, four days per week. I also don’t know how I would bring it up with parents, because I only ever see them at pickup and dropoff and it doesn’t seem such a big deal that I would arrange a separate meeting to say, “Hey, get your kid to be quiet about Santa, because we do Santa, but not the way you do.”

I expected to have to answer these kinds of questions at some point, but I was thinking school-age, when (hopefully) my son would have learned a little bit better how to not spoil that kind of thing for other children. This is a little early for me and I have definitely been caught off guard.

:newidea: Instead of an ‘elf on a shelf’, how about a ‘kneeling Santa’? ‘A keeling Santa’ is made up of a Manger (with the Christ Child in it) and a kneeling Santa either at the side or foot of the Manger. I have seen these severel places on the internet and in cataloges.

 

[schaeffer]

this is a good opportunity to teach that people have different family traditions and even different holidays from each other.

It’s true and sets the right foundation for them to understand that not everyone has the same beliefs or practices, not only as far as holidays but in so many many ways. This is what we believe and how we do things in our house/family/faith, and other people have different ways.

focus on what your own family believes and your traditions, and when the discrepencies arise, each can share their own traditions without needing to disparage the traditions of the other.

 

[pensmama87]

this is a good opportunity to teach that people have different family traditions and even different holidays from each other.

It’s true and sets the right foundation for them to understand that not everyone has the same beliefs or practices, not only as far as holidays but in so many many ways. This is what we believe and how we do things in our house/family/faith, and other people have different ways.

focus on what your own family believes and your traditions, and when the discrepencies arise, each can share their own traditions without needing to disparage the traditions of the other.

I don’t see how that works with young children who think in very concrete terms.

To the 6 year old I babysit, there is Santa, he gives you presents if you are good. He has a sleigh, he has reindeer, he has elves who check up on kids’ behavior for him. He visits all the houses on Christmas Eve. With everything else so far where our faith practice has been different, it’s been easy enough to say, “This is what we do, that is what you do at your house” (or even things about when we put away toys, what we eat at snacktime, etc.) But for the Santa story to work for him, I can’t say to him, “Santa doesn’t do that at our house.” His bubble is going to be burst sometime, but I’d prefer not to be the one who does it, since his parents employ me.

Now, I may be able to do something like that for my son (who’s only 3). “At [kid’s] house, they pretend all these things about Santa. They are fun things, so we can pretend that with them when they are here.” I may be able to keep that going, and by the time he’s older he’ll already be used to the idea that people do things differently (and as a Catholic family in an increasingly secular culture, that’s an important lesson for him to learn.)

I used to babysit two children in a family where the parents were very anti-religion. The mom was clearly uncomfortable with the religious pictures and statues in the house, but she decided to let me babysit them anyway. I felt uncomfortable when her kids were there because even though I had assured the parents I wasn’t going to try to proselytize, her oldest child (who was almost 5) had a way of asking very direct questions. She’d look at the crucifix over our mantel and ask me “Who is that?” I’d tell her, “That’s Jesus.” Then she’d say, “Who’s Jesus?” and I’d feel very awkward about what to say next. Usually, I’d say, “ask your mom and dad,” but that didn’t really help with the discomfort, because I’d turn around and she’d ask me a new question.

This obviously isn’t on the same scale, but a child is asking me to confirm the story his parents told him, in front of my kids who I wasn’t planning on telling the same thing, is unnerving. Mildly so, but still unnerving.

 

[pensmama87]

Though it does occur to me now that perhaps the 6yo’s repeated requests for me to confirm his understanding of Santa may have to do with him figuring out that it is pretend (even though he has a tendency to do that with a lot of things). The other day he asked me if our Advent wreath was a “Chanukah candle thing,” so I’m guessing in school they have been learning about different holiday traditions.

 

[pianistclare]

Thank you for sharing your dilemma, please be assured of my prayers.

You are 100% right that you should not be the one to tell these little ones that there is no Santa Claus, that is not your place!

My suggestion is to immediately email the parents and get their (name removed by moderator)ut. Don’t call or ask them in person as the little ones might accidentally overhear. Send them a message and tell them you are asking for advice. Tell them that you do not celebrate the Santa fantasy in your home, however you do not want to ruin it for their children either by saying “Santa doesn’t come here!” so are asking for suggestions on how to best approach the topic with their children. Throw out a few ideas and ask them what they think. It won’t hurt to mention that it is your goal to do everything you can to make this a special time for their children and honor their families traditions.

That way you are not handling this by yourself but you will hopefully have the parents on your side as well, helping guide their children as questions arise, which is as it should be. God bless.

THIS^^. they will really appreciate this and respect you.

 

[Truth_Faith13]

Thank you for sharing your dilemma, please be assured of my prayers.

You are 100% right that you should not be the one to tell these little ones that there is no Santa Claus, that is not your place!

My suggestion is to immediately email the parents and get their (name removed by moderator)ut. Don’t call or ask them in person as the little ones might accidentally overhear. Send them a message and tell them you are asking for advice. Tell them that you do not celebrate the Santa fantasy in your home, however you do not want to ruin it for their children either by saying “Santa doesn’t come here!” so are asking for suggestions on how to best approach the topic with their children. Throw out a few ideas and ask them what they think. It won’t hurt to mention that it is your goal to do everything you can to make this a special time for their children and honor their families traditions.

That way you are not handling this by yourself but you will hopefully have the parents on your side as well, helping guide their children as questions arise, which is as it should be. God bless.

This! I think you definitely need to talk to the parents. Their son is getting to an age where someone or something is going to tell him Santa doesn’t exist, they may have already prepared. Just tell them what you have told us - your son is asking lots of questions, you want to be able to teach him your traditions/beliefs but are concerned that as he is only 3 he will tell their son and ruin his beliefs/traditions. If I was them, I would appreciate this.

 

[pensmama87]

Thanks, Monicad! That is a great idea. I sent a message to the parents so we will see what they say. Hopefully it’s received well.

 

[on_the_hill]

:newidea: Instead of an ‘elf on a shelf’, how about a ‘kneeling Santa’? ‘A keeling Santa’ is made up of a Manger (with the Christ Child in it) and a kneeling Santa either at the side or foot of the Manger. I have seen these severel places on the internet and in cataloges.

Gotta say…I don’t like the kneeling Santa. It kind of mixes the secular with the religious too much for my preferences. Seems a little tacky to me.

We **always **celebrated both Santa and Jesus’s birth. Never saw it as a competition at all. There’s Santa, there’s Jesus. We’ve always kept them separate and never had a problem. And it’s only for a few years before the kids outgrow Santa, anyway.

My wife’s mom never did Santa for her and her sister. They were told from the beginning that Santa isn’t real. And my wife has never forgiven her mom for that. There was a lot of stress when our children were born, because Mother-in-law didn’t want them to believe in Santa, and my wife was foursquare opposed to her mother. Of course, my wife won.

And guess what? Our kids are good Catholics nonetheless.

 

[pensmama87]

To clarify: It’s not that I think Santa is bad, it’s just that we’ve decided to be obvious that “Santa brings the presents” is pretend with our kids, and incorporate more of St. Nicholas into it than the conventional story. For this family, the children very much believe that he is real according to the mainstream American narrative about him, and that wasn’t something we wanted to do, even though we both grew up with that Santa.

I don’t think “doing Santa” is incompatible with raising kids to be good Catholics. As it’s normally practiced in the US, though, it wasn’t a good fit for our family, based on our experiences growing up with it, our natural temperaments, etc. Other families who find it’s a good fit - that’s great! But it can make things awkward if you have a regular babysitter who has children of her own, and their family doesn’t do it.

 

[schaeffer]

I don’t see how that works with young children who think in very concrete terms.

To the 6 year old I babysit, there is Santa, he gives you presents if you are good. He has a sleigh, he has reindeer, he has elves who check up on kids’ behavior for him. He visits all the houses on Christmas Eve. With everything else so far where our faith practice has been different, it’s been easy enough to say, “This is what we do, that is what you do at your house” (or even things about when we put away toys, what we eat at snacktime, etc.) But for the Santa story to work for him, I can’t say to him, “Santa doesn’t do that at our house.” His bubble is going to be burst sometime, but I’d prefer not to be the one who does it, since his parents employ me.

This obviously isn’t on the same scale, but a child is asking me to confirm the story his parents told him, in front of my kids who I wasn’t planning on telling the same thing, is unnerving. Mildly so, but still unnerving.

You know the children involved so of course use your own judgment, but I think most kids can handle the idea that things operate differently at different homes. I raised three, and when they were young we lived in family housing at a large university. They lived with and went to school with kids from all over the world with a dizzying array of cultures, faiths, traditions, and mythology. They shared their experience and the other kids shared theirs.

No one seemed particularly upset that everyone did things differently, curious yes, but not upset. My son’s best friend, a Korean boy didn’t have Christmas at all, and shared moon cakes with us on Korean New Year.

In some ways that IS concrete. We do this, they do that. Ok mom…can I go out and play now?

That was my experience with my children. It is possible that their exposure at so young an age to so many cultures, languages etc made this automatic while kids who live in a more uniform culture would find it problematic.

 

[pensmama87]

You know the children involved so of course use your own judgment, but I think most kids can handle the idea that things operate differently at different homes. I raised three, and when they were young we lived in family housing at a large university. They lived with and went to school with kids from all over the world with a dizzying array of cultures, faiths, traditions, and mythology. They shared their experience and the other kids shared theirs.

No one seemed particularly upset that everyone did things differently, curious yes, but not upset. My son’s best friend, a Korean boy didn’t have Christmas at all, and shared moon cakes with us on Korean New Year.

In some ways that IS concrete. We do this, they do that. Ok mom…can I go out and play now?

That was my experience with my children. It is possible that their exposure at so young an age to so many cultures, languages etc made this automatic while kids who live in a more uniform culture would find it problematic.

I think this is great, and it resembles what I want for my own kids. But there are three traditions common in contemporary American culture that I don’t think this works for, and one of them is Santa Claus (the other two are the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy.) For those to work - i.e. for the kids to believe that they are real, everybody they bring it up with has to play along. They learn the truth pretty much as soon as they come across people who don’t play along (sometimes parents who are more committed to keep it going by introducing new conditions.)

That is a part of why we’ve always been upfront that Santa is a fun game to play, that we say St. Nick brings the presents because he did that when he lived on earth to make children happy. I don’t have to worry about other people “spoiling” a big part of how we do Christmas, because if we run into someone who doesn’t do it, they already know it’s a game, and can still play and find it fun. Where we live is fairly culturally diverse, and as it is we’re basically the only practicing Catholic family in our extended families. We’ve known that we’re not going to be able to rely on others to keep up our traditions for us.

 

[pianistclare]

I think this is great, and it resembles what I want for my own kids. But there are three traditions common in contemporary American culture that I don’t think this works for, and one of them is Santa Claus (the other two are the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy.) For those to work - i.e. for the kids to believe that they are real, everybody they bring it up with has to play along. They learn the truth pretty much as soon as they come across people who don’t play along (sometimes parents who are more committed to keep it going by introducing new conditions.)

That is a part of why we’ve always been upfront that Santa is a fun game to play, that we say St. Nick brings the presents because he did that when he lived on earth to make children happy. I don’t have to worry about other people “spoiling” a big part of how we do Christmas, because if we run into someone who doesn’t do it, they already know it’s a game, and can still play and find it fun. Where we live is fairly culturally diverse, and as it is we’re basically the only practicing Catholic family in our extended families. We’ve known that we’re not going to be able to rely on others to keep up our traditions for us.

Saint Nicholas visited our Parish Sunday School this morning (just fresh off his big Feast Day) and we read a couple of stories to the children about his life. Both stories incorporated the REAL St. Nicholas and how he has morphed into Santa. (which means Saint Nicholas). Santa (Saint) Claus (short for Nicholas)
I highly recommend
"Saint Nicholas, the Real Story of the Christmas Legend by Julie Stiegemeyer.
I hope this hasn’t already been posted (sorry if it has )
Beautiful illustrations, and no “Santa” parent would object to the reading of this lovely book at story time.
Got mine from Amazon.

 

[tabycat]

Gotta say…I don’t like the kneeling Santa. It kind of mixes the secular with the religious too much for my preferences. Seems a little tacky to me.

We **always **celebrated both Santa and Jesus’s birth. Never saw it as a competition at all. There’s Santa, there’s Jesus. We’ve always kept them separate and never had a problem. And it’s only for a few years before the kids outgrow Santa, anyway.

My wife’s mom never did Santa for her and her sister. They were told from the beginning that Santa isn’t real. And my wife has never forgiven her mom for that. There was a lot of stress when our children were born, because Mother-in-law didn’t want them to believe in Santa, and my wife was foursquare opposed to her mother. Of course, my wife won.

And guess what? Our kids are good Catholics nonetheless.

I was thinking of the kneeling Santa as an opening to explaining where he came from and that the Baby Jesus was the real Reason for the season. :harp: :heaven: :christmastree1: