Explaining stranger danger and safety to children

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How do you explain stranger danger and teach your children safety (i.e., use of code words when an adult aquaintance asks you to go with them, etc.)? What is the appropriate way of teaching them without scaring them too much?

How do you streetsmart your kids without making them afraid of the world?
 
 
Here in the US, most local police departments have public information safety programs that teach young children what to in case of emergency or personal danger.
 
Most child molestation and kidnappings occur within the family or with people we trust. Often the people that we get a “gut feeling” about are just socially ackward people who aren’t truly a threat to us. Certainly, you want to pay attention to the type of neighborhood you live in. Know the crime rates. A neighborhood with gangs and drugs will require caution. But honestly, I believe the whole “stranger danger” is just our way of making ourselves feel comfortable and in control of something we’re not in control over. I think its funny that the diocean safe environment training video acknowledged how our stereotypes of dangerous people are flawed and how fondly we tend to think of people who do terrible things behind our back. Then it turned around and said to pay attention to gut feelings and anyone being friendly to children. Meanwhile the safe environment with the kids was back to stranger danger. Thankfully it also emphasized the importance of telling someone and coming up with a list of people to tell.

With my daughter and future children, I plan on utilizing my daughter’s growing awareness that there are people we interact with regularly and that there are strangers. I’ll emphasize that there are strangers, aquaintences, good friends, best friends and family. I’ll emphasis that we rely on those who we are the closest to more than we rely on strangers. So if I send someone to “pick you up”, than it’ll be someone close. I’ll also explain that police officiers and teachers and firefighters and doctors and what not have jobs to help us. These are strangers who help us out and they help us out in different situations. A cook at a resteraunt cooks our food even though he doesn’t know us or love us the way we love each other.

In regards to safety, I would talk about social boundaries and personal boundaries. If a friend is being mean to you, let me know and we can talk about how to handle it or I can help. If someone is making you uncomfortable, tell me. If someone is scaring you, tell me. If a stranger seems to be trying to act like they’re not a stranger, tell me.

I’m not going to give my child the false sense of security that people they know are absolutely safe while strangers are dangerous. Its simply not true. Statistically speaking, while I’d never expect my husband to do this, it is far more likely a child’s father to molest his children than a stranger. So its my job to keep my eyes open, to not take any person off of my radar while acknowledging I shouldn’t be rude to people, and to keep the line of communication open with my children.
 
I think one of the most important things to talk with your children about is that an adult who hurts them in some way is much more likely to be somebody they know. My daughters are 11 and 8 and we live in a very safe part of the world where kids are still free to be kids and Kindergarteners (i.e. pre-school, this is Germany) often walk to school alone!! Yes, tiny 4 and 5 year olds take themselves off along busy roads.

So danger is highly unlikely, and I don’t want to make the kids frightened unnecessarily but I am honest. I have explained that some things are a crime and certain behavior by an adult (peer, or teen also) is against the law. That helps kids get clear boundaries, the law is on their side.

I also encourage them to trust their instincts and that if something doesn’t feel right to them (a situation, a place, a person) they have every right to tell their parents or excuse themselves. I have also told them if anyone ever grabbed them to do everything in their power to prevent themselves being moved to another location (that’s when the offender gets control). They have every human right to scream, hit, fight and yell at the top of their lungs 'You’re not my dad! Help me!" etc. etc.

I actually was attacked in a park in London when I was a teenager and my mom had always given me full permission to scream like a banshee, kick and fight and run like hell and that’s what I did. I was unharmed.
 
twoangels said:
Most child molestation and kidnappings occur within the family or with people we trust. Often the people that we get a “gut feeling” about are just socially ackward people who aren’t truly a threat to us. Certainly, you want to pay attention to the type of neighborhood you live in. Know the crime rates. A neighborhood with gangs and drugs will require caution. But honestly, I believe the whole “stranger danger” is just our way of making ourselves feel comfortable and in control of something we’re not in control over. I think its funny that the diocean safe environment training video acknowledged how our stereotypes of dangerous people are flawed and how fondly we tend to think of people who do terrible things behind our back. Then it turned around and said to pay attention to gut feelings and anyone being friendly to children. Meanwhile the safe environment with the kids was back to stranger danger. Thankfully it also emphasized the importance of telling someone and coming up with a list of people to tell.

With my daughter and future children, I plan on utilizing my daughter’s growing awareness that there are people we interact with regularly and that there are strangers. I’ll emphasize that there are strangers, aquaintences, good friends, best friends and family. I’ll emphasis that we rely on those who we are the closest to more than we rely on strangers. So if I send someone to “pick you up”, than it’ll be someone close. I’ll also explain that police officiers and teachers and firefighters and doctors and what not have jobs to help us. These are strangers who help us out and they help us out in different situations. A cook at a resteraunt cooks our food even though he doesn’t know us or love us the way we love each other.

In regards to safety, I would talk about social boundaries and personal boundaries. If a friend is being mean to you, let me know and we can talk about how to handle it or I can help. If someone is making you uncomfortable, tell me. If someone is scaring you, tell me. If a stranger seems to be trying to act like they’re not a stranger, tell me.

I’m not going to give my child the false sense of security that people they know are absolutely safe while strangers are dangerous. Its simply not true. Statistically speaking, while I’d never expect my husband to do this, it is far more likely a child’s father to molest his children than a stranger. So its my job to keep my eyes open, to not take any person off of my radar while acknowledging I shouldn’t be rude to people, and to keep the line of communication open with my children.
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great post. thanks.

I was molested by my dad and it was unavoidable. A four year old’s innocence is no match for a father’s display of “love”. Unfortunately, many young children are being molested by a close relative.

Like you, I trust my husband 100% with my kids. I now have a pretty good radar of who is safe with my kids and who is not (b/c of my own experience). There are certain people that just give me the creeps and then there are others that I’m not sure about and I play it safe and don’t take any chances.

As a rule, we don’t leave our kids alone with anyone, except close family on my husband’s side.

My only issue is that I think I’m a helicopter mom. My abuse has made me so cautious of others that I am scared to take any chances. I know that I’ll never allow my daugther to have sleepovers, etc. b/c of my fear. It’s a shame b/c that was a very wonderful part of my growing up.
 
Kindness said:
I think one of the most important things to talk with your children about is that an adult who hurts them in some way is much more likely to be somebody they know. My daughters are 11 and 8 and we live in a very safe part of the world where kids are still free to be kids and Kindergarteners (i.e. pre-school, this is Germany) often walk to school alone!! Yes, tiny 4 and 5 year olds take themselves off along busy roads.

So danger is highly unlikely, and I don’t want to make the kids frightened unnecessarily but I am honest. I have explained that some things are a crime and certain behavior by an adult (peer, or teen also) is against the law. That helps kids get clear boundaries, the law is on their side.

I also encourage them to trust their instincts and that if something doesn’t feel right to them (a situation, a place, a person) they have every right to tell their parents or excuse themselves. I have also told them if anyone ever grabbed them to do everything in their power to prevent themselves being moved to another location (that’s when the offender gets control). They have every human right to scream, hit, fight and yell at the top of their lungs 'You’re not my dad! Help me!" etc. etc.

I actually was attacked in a park in London when I was a teenager and my mom had always given me full permission to scream like a banshee, kick and fight and run like hell and that’s what I did. I was unharmed.
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Do you think it would be stilly if I enrolled my kids in a personal safety course where they teach kids how to get away from a potential threat like that?

Good for you for getting away.
 
As they get older, teach them to watch out for adults who try to act like friends to them. Adults can be friendly to children without trying to be their friends, to be more youthful than they are. Teach them to be wary of any adult who wants to spend time alone with them without their parents or other adults present. And of course, YOU have to protect them from predators. Coaches or youth directors should not be having sleep-overs at their house, for example.

And of course, any adult who asks them to keep secrets from you is automatically under suspicion and they should tell you immediately if that happens.
 
Luna_Lovecraft said:
life.familyeducation.com/travel-safety/child-care/48195.html
education.com/magazine/article/Teach_Street_Smarts/
kidshealth.org/kid/watch/out/street_smart.html
streetsmartkidz.ca/
fisher-price.com/fp.aspx?st=665&e=expertadvice&catnamestart=c&ccat=PS_FMResponsibilities&content=39035
justthefactsbaby.com/mom/article/raise-a-street-smart-child/13
keepyourchildsafe.org/child-safety-book/teaching-children-street-smarts.html

There is oodles of good stuff online about this. Read it, adopt and adapt it as you see fit based on your kid(s), their needs, your worldview, your neighborhood and city, etc.

Luna
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Excellent resources. I am already actively doing what most of these websites say to do, so it was good to see that I’m on the right track.
 
TheRealJuliane said:
As they get older, teach them to watch out for adults who try to act like friends to them. Adults can be friendly to children without trying to be their friends, to be more youthful than they are. Teach them to be wary of any adult who wants to spend time alone with them without their parents or other adults present. And of course, YOU have to protect them from predators. Coaches or youth directors should not be having sleep-overs at their house, for example.

And of course, any adult who asks them to keep secrets from you is automatically under suspicion and they should tell you immediately if that happens.
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Being a parent is such a huge responsibility isn’t it…

I don’t think I’ll ever let my kids go to a sleepover (other than one of their cousins). I just couldn’t take the chance.

Being molested or abused just once, could change their entire world and childhood 😦
 
I’m really nervous about how to talk to them about molestation without scaring them to death. “Uncle Jim might try to touch you in your bathing suit area, and then say he will kill your family if you tell on him, but probably not, so don’t be scared!”. How do you do this?
 
Serap said:
How do you explain stranger danger and teach your children safety (i.e., use of code words when an adult aquaintance asks you to go with them, etc.)? What is the appropriate way of teaching them without scaring them too much?

How do you streetsmart your kids without making them afraid of the world?
Click to expand...
Why do we never worry about traumatizing our kids when we warn them not to run into the street or drink poison or stick things into electrical sockets, knowing fear is a fine and useful thing and then wonder about these issues. Just tell them.

My daughter was three when I explained to her that her body was hers and no one got to touch her except me and a doctor if I was there. That if she ever was with anyone who made her feel uncomfortable she was to come and tell me right away. That if someone tried to stop her she was to scream loudly until lots of other grown-ups came running.

Didn’t seem to frighten her, I just gave her facts. BTW, I also told her if anyone did hurt her and then told her not to tell me for any reason, they’d be lying, because she would not get in trouble and I wouldn’t, either.

When she was an adult she told me that because I had told her that, once when she was at at a friend’s house down the street and her uncle as there, he put his hand on her leg and she thought he was weird and got up and came right home.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” I asked.

“I forgot by the time I came home. I wanted to play Barbies.”

Tell 'em.
 
My parish (and many others in my diocese) is implementing Circle of Grace training for the children in catechism.

BTW - statistically, “stranger danger” does not yield anywhere near the benefit of a comprehensive safety program as only a small portion of abusive situations involve strangers.
 
Julia_Mae said:
Why do we never worry about traumatizing our kids when we warn them not to run into the street or drink poison or stick things into electrical sockets, knowing fear is a fine and useful thing and then wonder about these issues. Just tell them.

My daughter was three when I explained to her that her body was hers and no one got to touch her except me and a doctor if I was there. That if she ever was with anyone who made her feel uncomfortable she was to come and tell me right away. That if someone tried to stop her she was to scream loudly until lots of other grown-ups came running.

Didn’t seem to frighten her, I just gave her facts. BTW, I also told her if anyone did hurt her and then told her not to tell me for any reason, they’d be lying, because she would not get in trouble and I wouldn’t, either.

When she was an adult she told me that because I had told her that, once when she was at at a friend’s house down the street and her uncle as there, he put his hand on her leg and she thought he was weird and got up and came right home.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” I asked.

“I forgot by the time I came home. I wanted to play Barbies.”

Tell 'em.
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good advice Julia Mae. my kids are 6 and younger but just telling them didn’t frighten them and I said it about the same way. and for slumber parites mine will only stay at close friends or family that I know well. OP it looks like your kids are still really young not in school yet. my older kids seemed to have developed some since of privacy around the age of 5 or so, it helps but they still need to be told good touch bad touch etc. also you get to know friends and neighbors so much better when they start school, playdates, sports, school functions etc.
 
LaSainte said:
I’m really nervous about how to talk to them about molestation without scaring them to death. “Uncle Jim might try to touch you in your bathing suit area, and then say he will kill your family if you tell on him, but probably not, so don’t be scared!”. How do you do this?
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For Pete’s sake! You don’t say it like that! You just talk to them about their private areas being private and that no one is to touch them there except their doctor, period. To keep themselves covered up, don’t show it to anyone, either. It’s just common sense, and if you stay calm, they won’t be alarmed either. And it’s not a one-time thing, you have to keep reinforcing it, but not in a fearful way.
 
Thanks for those resource ideas and some good common sense advice.

This is such a difficult problem. I love it that my kids are confident with adults and that they have lots of social contact with others. I also know that statistically they are safe (other factors like traffic are a far bigger real risk) but it’s only natural to worry.

It’s also so difficult to teach your kids to be aware and careful without scaring them or exposing them. I also think they have a right to innocence and don’t want to spoil that - there will be plenty of time to learn the un-pleasant side of thing when they’re older.
 
I began educating my daughter about stranger danger and dangers of going off with aquaintances b/c we had a very difficult case here in Ontario, Canada, where a girl (8)named Tori Stafford was lured from school with the promise of seeing a puppy. She was then lured into a car, driven 2 hours, raped and beaten to death in a farmer’s frield.

It awakened me to the fact that if I don’t educated her, it makes her vulnerable to child predators. A child predator chooses it’s target carefully. I call a preditor “it” b/c they are a monster in my eyes.

We are in Canada and my daughter has begun school. Children begin kindergarten at age 4.

I have another question: my daughter is obsessed with death. She keeps saying that she doesn’t want me to get old b/c it means I will die. She is also now aware that when a person is overweight, they may not be healthy. Now when she sees an overweight person, she asks me if they are going to die. She asked me if cancer kills people yesterday and I was shocked.

Where is she learning this stuff? At school?
 
This ‘stranger danger’ nonsense drives me up a wall, because the vast majority of children are abused by people they know. Kidnappings and molestations by strangers are extremely rare exceptions that are blown up by the media in order to get ratings, and it just fuels parental paranoia…and distorts the fact that the real threats to your child are people she knows.

Okay, rant over. Here are some of my thoughts that might help your child:
  1. I don’t teach my children to not talk to strangers; that’s ridiculous advice because we talk to strangers almost every day of our lives. And if my kids are ever hurt or in trouble and need help, who is likely to help them? That’s right, strangers in the form of store clerks, police officers, firefighters, etc.
  2. What you should be teaching your children instead is that they never, ever go off with strangers. Ever. For any reason. Go through some of the scenarios that someone might try to lure them with…but keeping in mind that statistically it’s highly unlikely that this will ever happen to your child.
  3. Keep in mind that young children have no idea what a “stranger” is. They’ve heard so much about strangers since they were in diapers that many think a stranger is a monster or a bad-looking person.
  4. The other problem with all this fretting over “strangers” is that it detracts attention from the far more likely threat to your child: family, friends, acquaintances, coaches, etc. A police friend of mine who has investigated numerous cases of child molestation said she’s heard more than one of these poor victims say, “I thought this was something only strangers did.”
  5. As another poster mentioned, you need to be teaching your child that no one has a right to see her privates or to show her theirs, and that if this happens she should tell you immediately. No matter who they are or what they say, she needs to tell you.
 
Serap said:
I began educating my daughter about stranger danger and dangers of going off with aquaintances b/c we had a very difficult case here in Ontario, Canada, where a girl (8)named Tori Stafford was lured from school with the promise of seeing a puppy. She was then lured into a car, driven 2 hours, raped and beaten to death in a farmer’s frield.

It awakened me to the fact that if I don’t educated her, it makes her vulnerable to child predators. A child predator chooses it’s target carefully. I call a preditor “it” b/c they are a monster in my eyes.

We are in Canada and my daughter has begun school. Children begin kindergarten at age 4.

I have another question: my daughter is obsessed with death. She keeps saying that she doesn’t want me to get old b/c it means I will die. She is also now aware that when a person is overweight, they may not be healthy. Now when she sees an overweight person, she asks me if they are going to die. She asked me if cancer kills people yesterday and I was shocked.

Where is she learning this stuff? At school?
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It means she is developmentally normal. She is now able to see longer-term consequences, and her imagination is also developing. Be matter of fact with her, don’t panic about it, it’s a normal stage and as long as she doesn’t get too neurotic, she’ll be fine. Keep her grounded in our faith.
 
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