Explaining stranger danger and safety to children

[SurlyMermaid]

Lots of good info here.

I got the book The Gift fo Fear by Gavin de Becker. Good book.

I have told my children to let us know immediately if someone touches them and they are uncomfortable. It doesn’t have to be in the traditional “bathing suit area.” I dislike the “stranger danger” bunk we were taught as children. It was hysterical, hearing that at school in the late '70s and '80s, and going home to certain family members.

 

[Serap]

This ‘stranger danger’ nonsense drives me up a wall, because the vast majority of children are abused by people they know. Kidnappings and molestations by strangers are extremely rare exceptions that are blown up by the media in order to get ratings, and it just fuels parental paranoia…and distorts the fact that the real threats to your child are people she knows.

Okay, rant over. Here are some of my thoughts that might help your child:

1. I don’t teach my children to not talk to strangers; that’s ridiculous advice because we talk to strangers almost every day of our lives. And if my kids are ever hurt or in trouble and need help, who is likely to help them? That’s right, strangers in the form of store clerks, police officers, firefighters, etc.
2. What you should be teaching your children instead is that they never, ever go off with strangers. Ever. For any reason. Go through some of the scenarios that someone might try to lure them with…but keeping in mind that statistically it’s highly unlikely that this will ever happen to your child.
3. Keep in mind that young children have no idea what a “stranger” is. They’ve heard so much about strangers since they were in diapers that many think a stranger is a monster or a bad-looking person.
4. The other problem with all this fretting over “strangers” is that it detracts attention from the far more likely threat to your child: family, friends, acquaintances, coaches, etc. A police friend of mine who has investigated numerous cases of child molestation said she’s heard more than one of these poor victims say, “I thought this was something only strangers did.”
5. As another poster mentioned, you need to be teaching your child that no one has a right to see her privates or to show her theirs, and that if this happens she should tell you immediately. No matter who they are or what they say, she needs to tell you.

I agree. I’ve even told my daughter not to go off with anyone else’s mommy or daddy unless mommy says it’s ok. I also gave her scenarios where someone tells her that her mommy or daddy is hurt and I tell her that the only people that would say that to her are either, me, daddy, her aunt, her uncle or her caregiver…no one else.

My father is a pedophile, so I know first hand that family members are the most likely predators in a child’s life. Luckily, I married a good man and he’s an excellent father. He has a great relationship with his own mother and has a lot of respect for me and my daughter.

The only exception is that I’ve taught her that if she’s lost, to look for a mommy with children and tell her that she’s lost. I have also told her (when in a store) to go to the cash register person and tell them that she is lost.

 

[Serap]

It means she is developmentally normal. She is now able to see longer-term consequences, and her imagination is also developing. Be matter of fact with her, don’t panic about it, it’s a normal stage and as long as she doesn’t get too neurotic, she’ll be fine. Keep her grounded in our faith.

Thanks. I’m glad this is normal. It worried me.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Thanks. I’m glad this is normal. It worried me.

Some kids start to worry about burglars, catastrophes, just all sorts of phobias can come up. Just like their food preferences, don’t give it too much attention and it should come to a natural end over time. Continue to be matter-of-face about her worries, “Yes, as a matter of fact, some people do die from cancer, but there are really good doctors who save a lot of lives.” Just as you would say, “I know that you don’t PREFER to eat broccoli, but you must take two bites anyway,” if all she wants is mac and cheese.

It’s just ability to see ahead and to see possible consequences that is developing. Maybe worry goes along with that. But worrying isn’t productive, so don’t let her dwell in it for long periods of time. Distract her with other things.

 

[Serap]

Some kids start to worry about burglars, catastrophes, just all sorts of phobias can come up. Just like their food preferences, don’t give it too much attention and it should come to a natural end over time. Continue to be matter-of-face about her worries, “Yes, as a matter of fact, some people do die from cancer, but there are really good doctors who save a lot of lives.” Just as you would say, “I know that you don’t PREFER to eat broccoli, but you must take two bites anyway,” if all she wants is mac and cheese.

It’s just ability to see ahead and to see possible consequences that is developing. Maybe worry goes along with that. But worrying isn’t productive, so don’t let her dwell in it for long periods of time. Distract her with other things.

Thanks so much!

 

[dconklin]

All employees and volunteers that work with children in our diocese must attend classes and maintain updates with this group: virtus.org/virtus/

 

[novelista]

My daughter is 12, and since she was about 7 or 8, I role-play and quiz her on what to do if someone tries to lure her away. I also emphasized that anyone can be a predator, even people she knows, or people her own age or a little older. I also told her to look for a mom with kids or a cashier if she’s lost in a store.

On the other hand, I told her never to hide from a firefighter if our house was ever on fire, and not to be afraid to ask a police officer for help if need be.

Ugh it’s so hard to tell kids what to do, but yet not scare them half to death at the same time.

 

[Serap]

My daughter is 12, and since she was about 7 or 8, I role-play and quiz her on what to do if someone tries to lure her away. I also emphasized that anyone can be a predator, even people she knows, or people her own age or a little older. I also told her to look for a mom with kids or a cashier if she’s lost in a store.

On the other hand, I told her never to hide from a firefighter if our house was ever on fire, and not to be afraid to ask a police officer for help if need be.

Ugh it’s so hard to tell kids what to do, but yet not scare them half to death at the same time.

Because we live in a big city, I’ve already begun with my 4 year old. It’s so scary to instill this “fear” in them at such a young age and also so necessary.