Explaining the process of Courting

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LaMusicaSenior

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Hello to all -
I would especially appreciate the thoughts/comments of young adult Catholics in the midst of discerning marriage!
At the age of 13, I decided not to date. I thought this was an easy thing, as back when I was that age, it really wasn’t a big issue in my life, thankfully! 😃
Now that I am reaching the last part of my teen years (and the start of college life next fall) I am really needing some advice from those in this era of life
I am wanting to be courted by my future husband - a difference from dating in that all activities are chaperoned, (either by parents or younger syblings, or a group of friends that are not coupled off) and that the family is hugely emphasized.
I chose the way of courting because I have seen how dating has really torn up the lives of those around me in youth groups, extended family, etc. Not that Godly dating doesn’t exsist, (and I have seen great examples of this, too!), it’s just that I want something that will definatly have marriage in mind - as my friend jokingly calls it: “date to find a mate” 😃
I am needing a quick and easy way to explain this to any young men that ask me out on a date - if that question every arises 😃
So far, I’ve just been saying that my age (17) is not the age where I need to be looking into further complicating my already complicated life. 😛 My vocation right now is a student, and I need to put full focus on that. But when I hit college, techinally my age will not be holding me back from looking into the possiblity of marriage.
Does anyone have a quick explination that doesn’t confuse the person you are trying to explain this courting process to? So far all I’ve gotten is confused looks! Sadly, in my area it seems like courting has become a dead process and not very well known.
I don’t in any way want to break the heart and crush the soul ( 😊 ) of the courageous young man who has asked in interest to getting to know me better - I just need a quick explination that shows that I’m only in this realtionship if it is looking towards marriage.
Anyone have any ideas? Looking forward to responses
Thanks and God Bless!
Chloe
p.s. sorry for such the lengthy post! 🙂
 
I am not a teenager and you said you were especially interested in the answers by that age group, but I hope you will read my response. I do not think there is a magic phrase you can use to explain your thoughts so that people understand them. My advice is to be honest with people. If another is turned off by this, the likelihood that he was a good match for you is slim. I would bet many people will question your opinion and hope you do not get discouraged. I do not have a problem with courting, though I never engaged in it. I think when a person goes into a relationship with the idea that he or she is looking only for marriage, it can cause the person to be blind to certain aspects of the person. This happens often, with those from all areas of life. EX: An older woman wants to have a baby and focuses on an available man to marry, but not at whether or not he is a good fit for her. As long as you take the time during the courting phase of your relationship to really get to know the other person, courting can be a wonderful thing. Therefore, when you explain your ideas, it is important to make it clear that you are not on a “man hunt” & care about nothing else. I have found that often times the media presents courting in this way. If you stick to your convictions you will find the right person.
 
I am not in your age range either, but I do hope you consider my advice.

Of course guys are going to give you a confused look ! Very few people (even Catholic) use the term ‘courting’. Also, no matter how much a man respects you, he doesn’t need to hear ‘I am only interested in dating if it will lead to marriage’ Way too much pressure.

Bottom line is, you need to get to know someone before you are ready to decide if you want to discern marriage. Thus, you need to date a bit.

If you only want chaperoned dates, then just make sure any event plans are chaperonned.

Only agree to activities where you are in a group. If a man respects you and likes you, he will agree to group activited just to be with you.

When I was younger, I met men who ‘were always tired’ and just wanted me to go over to their place to ‘watch TV’. Forget men like that. If he says ‘I am too tired to go out want to come over’ you say ‘well why don’t you rest and we make plans for a group outing some other time.’ If he gives you a hard time, forget him.

It is not always necessary to put things into words. His behaviour will tell you if he is on the same wavelenght

CM
 
LaMusicaSenior said:
Hello to all -
I would especially appreciate the thoughts/comments of young adult Catholics in the midst of discerning marriage!
At the age of 13, I decided not to date. I thought this was an easy thing, as back when I was that age, it really wasn’t a big issue in my life, thankfully! 😃
Now that I am reaching the last part of my teen years (and the start of college life next fall) I am really needing some advice from those in this era of life
I am wanting to be courted by my future husband - a difference from dating in that all activities are chaperoned, (either by parents or younger syblings, or a group of friends that are not coupled off) and that the family is hugely emphasized.
I chose the way of courting because I have seen how dating has really torn up the lives of those around me in youth groups, extended family, etc. Not that Godly dating doesn’t exsist, (and I have seen great examples of this, too!), it’s just that I want something that will definatly have marriage in mind - as my friend jokingly calls it: “date to find a mate” 😃
I am needing a quick and easy way to explain this to any young men that ask me out on a date - if that question every arises 😃
So far, I’ve just been saying that my age (17) is not the age where I need to be looking into further complicating my already complicated life. 😛 My vocation right now is a student, and I need to put full focus on that. But when I hit college, techinally my age will not be holding me back from looking into the possiblity of marriage.
Does anyone have a quick explination that doesn’t confuse the person you are trying to explain this courting process to? So far all I’ve gotten is confused looks! Sadly, in my area it seems like courting has become a dead process and not very well known.
I don’t in any way want to break the heart and crush the soul ( 😊 ) of the courageous young man who has asked in interest to getting to know me better - I just need a quick explination that shows that I’m only in this realtionship if it is looking towards marriage.
Anyone have any ideas? Looking forward to responses
Thanks and God Bless!
Chloe
p.s. sorry for such the lengthy post! 🙂
Click to expand...
Im 22…I’m here to tell you that I’ve gone through the path that was MY way…when I was your age, I thought I knew it all…I’m sure in a few years I’ll realize I didn’t know anything when I was 22… Haha.

A girl that asked to be courted at that time of my life woulda changed everything…keep strong to what you believe and why…don’t give it up…make the young men around you come up to your level. The right one will. You still have a lot to learn. But cling to our madre iglesia y papito Dios and never lose site of your goals!

The right man WILL HAVE WHAT IT TAKES…nothing easy is good, everything hard is good…if they’re not willing to wait and be patient and behave like gentleman tellem to kick rocks…trust me.

Paz
 
LaMusicaSenior said:
Hello to all -
I would especially appreciate the thoughts/comments of young adult Catholics in the midst of discerning marriage!
At the age of 13, I decided not to date. I thought this was an easy thing, as back when I was that age, it really wasn’t a big issue in my life, thankfully! 😃
Now that I am reaching the last part of my teen years (and the start of college life next fall) I am really needing some advice from those in this era of life
I am wanting to be courted by my future husband - a difference from dating in that all activities are chaperoned, (either by parents or younger syblings, or a group of friends that are not coupled off) and that the family is hugely emphasized.
I chose the way of courting because I have seen how dating has really torn up the lives of those around me in youth groups, extended family, etc. Not that Godly dating doesn’t exsist, (and I have seen great examples of this, too!), it’s just that I want something that will definatly have marriage in mind - as my friend jokingly calls it: “date to find a mate” 😃
I am needing a quick and easy way to explain this to any young men that ask me out on a date - if that question every arises 😃
So far, I’ve just been saying that my age (17) is not the age where I need to be looking into further complicating my already complicated life. 😛 My vocation right now is a student, and I need to put full focus on that. But when I hit college, techinally my age will not be holding me back from looking into the possiblity of marriage.
Does anyone have a quick explination that doesn’t confuse the person you are trying to explain this courting process to? So far all I’ve gotten is confused looks! Sadly, in my area it seems like courting has become a dead process and not very well known.
I don’t in any way want to break the heart and crush the soul ( 😊 ) of the courageous young man who has asked in interest to getting to know me better - I just need a quick explination that shows that I’m only in this realtionship if it is looking towards marriage.
Anyone have any ideas? Looking forward to responses
Thanks and God Bless!
Chloe
p.s. sorry for such the lengthy post! 🙂
Click to expand...
I think you need to look at your reasons for wanting all of your dates to be chaperoned (as an adult woman) and see if this is truly something that is necessary for your chastity/safety or if this is just a personal preference (possibly born out of fear of being hurt). There’s certainly the motivation to avoid the near occaison of sin (which I support 100%), but would going on a date with a guy (where both of you are adults) in a public place such as a mall or park really be an occaison of sin if a family member wasn’t present? I understand that unsupervised dates might seem like the start of a slippery slope into sinful situations, but you could certainly set a boundary against private dates at each other’s homes to prevent intimate situations from arising (and I think this rule would be a lot more pallettable for many guys in today’s society).

I believe that God would reward somebody for striving to avoid the near occaison of sin while dating, but if one’s motivations were self-serving (ie. trying to avoid being hurt, or trying to control an unfamiliar situation) then I think God would encourage such a person to let go of such concerns and Trust more fully in His guidance. Remember, that if you’re called to marriage then God will bring your future spouse into your life at the right time and it will be a man who will help you to become a better Catholic! That said, the way in which God brings this man into your life may not be even close to how you were expecting it to happen!
 
I’m not a teen anymore (I’m 21), but I think my advice may be a little relevant. I think your idea for courting is honorable and chaste, and fine for someone in your age group, but in a couple of years I don’t think it’ll work any longer. Don’t forget, the members of your age group (the guys you’re interested in) are still boys - they’re not yet men. They’re young, and group activities (chaperoning) can be good at your age. However, I think once you’re 18 and have some measure of independence dating is the way to go. I know for a fact that if I met a pretty girl who was 18 or 19 and asked her out, I would be pretty weirded out if she had to bring her roommate or even her parents on a formal date. In a year or two you’ll be a grown woman, old enough to start a family. When you are considering a man for your future romantic attention, bringing your friends (or even family) along on a date will be a turnoff, at least for an older fellow like me (and I come from a fairly conservative homeschooling background, if that’s any help).

Stick to your values, but I think you would be wise to give dating a try if you find a great guy. It can certainly be done as chastely as courting if you find the right guy, and the romantic factor will probably be a lot higher. 👍
 
thunderboom said:
Stick to your values, but I think you would be wise to give dating a try if you find a great guy. It can certainly be done as chastely as courting if you find the right guy:
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I agree. I’m re-reading your post LaMusica Senior, and I see now that you mentioned participating in only chaperoned activities. While it certainly is important to involve family and friends in getting to know someone who is important to you, hmm, limiting yourself to only chaperoned activities may be, well, limiting. This does not seem to be an aspect that is equally emphasized among Catholic spiritual leaders who encourage courtship…in fact, I must say that I have not come across this recommendation at all.

I understand the concept of chaperoning, but I think the same result could be achieved in the beginning of a friendship by going out with another couple, or meeting at public places or events, etc.

Also, there are people who live quite far from family for schooling or career reasons. If two such people meet, they are going face challenges in arranging only chaperoned activities.
 
Do not try to explain too much. When you are asked out, you can just say, “As long as I’m living with my parents, I’ve decided I’m only going to spend time with young men my age when there is a chaperone of some kind. If you’re OK with that, sure, you seem a nice fellow and could be very enjoyable company. If you want time alone with me because you have some more serious courtship in mind, you’re going to have to check back in with me when I have a place of my own and I’ve decided what to do in that case. For now, though, it is chaperoned or nothing. Chastity is far easier that way.”

IOW, you don’t have to explain your future policy, only your current policy, and you do not need to defend it, only state it…this is it: take it, leave it, or try your luck and wait it out. As for how you will handle suitors when you are out in the world, cross that bridge when you come to it.
 
I have to ask, how do you really plan on getting to know someone with a chaperone always present? I mean eventually you will get to a point where you will want to share things with each other, and only each other. Hopes, dreams, fears, secrets, etc as well as eventually having private talks about your feelings towards each other and the future of your relationship.

Frankly I would never court someone. If a guy didn’t trust being alone with me even in public, I would think that he had serious issues. If I could never be alone with him to talk privately and on a more personal level I could never feel close enough to him to even consider marriage.
 
I think the renewal of courtship for those interested will be a very good thing. Recreational dating can waste precious time. After getting to know someone through friends, shared activities, etc., and finding that there is attraction and strong interest in each other, moving forward to explore whether there is interest in life-long commitment could be very valuable. Versus “hanging out” indefinitely…

With courtship, both people are marriage-minded; it’s clear. Sometimes relationships run into trouble when one person desires marriage more than the other. That’s virtually bound not to happen in a courtship, which involves two people who have decided their vocation is marriage and are actively pursuing it.

It’s the strong emphasis on chaperoning I’m not so sure about–again, I haven’t seen this aspect of courtship emphasized. Is there an orthodox spiritual direction you could consult with? Spending inordinate amounts of time together to the exclusion of all others is something to be avoided, and in general there should be a great deal of time spent with family and friends.
 
Well, I’ll reiterate most of Gorillaman’s post and say that as a young adult male I wouldn’t mind (and frankly would be rather impressed) if a young woman insisted upon courtship (and more specifically the chaperoned kind). I think you might be surprised how some may take you more seriously due to higher standards. Best of luck. 👍

-Byrnwiga
 
EasterJoy said:
Do not try to explain too much. When you are asked out, you can just say, “As long as I’m living with my parents, I’ve decided I’m only going to spend time with young men my age when there is a chaperone of some kind. If you’re OK with that, sure, you seem a nice fellow and could be very enjoyable company. If you want time alone with me because you have some more serious courtship in mind, you’re going to have to check back in with me when I have a place of my own and I’ve decided what to do in that case. For now, though, it is chaperoned or nothing. Chastity is far easier that way.”

IOW, you don’t have to explain your future policy, only your current policy, and you do not need to defend it, only state it…this is it: take it, leave it, or try your luck and wait it out. As for how you will handle suitors when you are out in the world, cross that bridge when you come to it.
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THANK YOU. This is great - the exact thing I’m looking for. It explains what I’m doing, why I’m doing it, and how. I love how you included the part about parental rules - that was a large reason of why I’m not dating, and I love how you’ve put this, very tasteful and respectful. Thanks again! 😃
 
Byrnwiga said:
Well, I’ll reiterate most of Gorillaman’s post and say that as a young adult male I wouldn’t mind (and frankly would be rather impressed) if a young woman insisted upon courtship (and more specifically the chaperoned kind). I think you might be surprised how some may take you more seriously due to higher standards. Best of luck. 👍

-Byrnwiga
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@Byrnwiga and @Gorillaman - thank you guys so much for the support in this decision. It’s great to know that there are still great gentlemen out there who still respect and admire a woman for her standards of purity - it really is encouraging 🙂 God bless you both!
 
LaMusicaSenior said:
THANK YOU. This is great - the exact thing I’m looking for. It explains what I’m doing, why I’m doing it, and how. I love how you included the part about parental rules - that was a large reason of why I’m not dating, and I love how you’ve put this, very tasteful and respectful. Thanks again! 😃
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Just to let you know, I know people (male and female) who didn’t date or who essentially didn’t date at all in high school, just did group stuff, and I’m not sure they didn’t have more fun than the people all worried about romance. I would certainly say that some of my best opposite-sex friends were never remotely romantic interests, and if we were ever out of someone’s eyesight or the imminent chance that someone who had just walked out wouldn’t be right back in the room, I don’t particularly remember it.

IOW, even if you had a Secret Service detail, your chaperones don’t have to be in on every conversation. To be chaperoned is to keep yourself in situations where there is always someone around to see what you’re up to, or who could be any second, not having some so close they could be your stenographer. In the old days, the couples would often be on the porch by themselves, but with the windows open and the family periodically walking in and out. That’s enough.
 
LaMusicaSenior said:
I am wanting to be courted by my future husband - a difference from dating in that all activities are chaperoned, (either by parents or younger syblings, or a group of friends that are not coupled off) and that the family is hugely emphasized.
Click to expand...
That is not what it means. If you want to differentiate between courting and dating – which I believe is an unnecessary distinction – then the difference is typically stated as the commitment to the other and the focus on marriage. Not all dates need to be chaperoned. If that is your preference, then so be it. But it is not a part of courting as typically defined, nor it is in any way a requirement on a moral level. Honestly, I would not date someone who had that requirement because I could not be with someone who did not trust the relationship.
I just need a quick explination that shows that I’m only in this realtionship if it is looking towards marriage.
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My recommendation is to start relationships only with men who you know feel the same way. I would not start a relationship with someone at all unless we were already on the same page.
 
Hello to all again - if your still following this thread, I’d like to invite you over to my blog (www.timeonthemountaintop.blogspot.com) to read my final thoughts on courtship, with all of your suggestions taken into consideration.
It’s the 1st post on the blog - I’m new to the whole blogging thing, so let me know if you have any sugestions! 🙂
Thanks to all for your advice/support.
God bless you all!
Chloe M.
 
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