Explaining the process of Courting

[Baelor]

Hello to all again - if your still following this thread, I’d like to invite you over to my blog (www.timeonthemountaintop.blogspot.com) to read my final thoughts on courtship, with all of your suggestions taken into consideration.
It’s the 1st post on the blog - I’m new to the whole blogging thing, so let me know if you have any sugestions!
Thanks to all for your advice/support.
God bless you all!
Chloe M.

I do not have any particular suggestions, but I find some of the content extremely problematic and/or logically flawed:

“Courtship, to us, is a guy/girl realtionship that leads to marriage. It focuses on
three primary things: accountbility to parents and other trusted adults, building
each other’s character rather than focusing on a physical attraction, and waiting
to develop serious realationshipo unil you are ready to get married.”

So, basically, courtship is a serious relationship whose goal is marriage. While in this relationship, you avoid alone time, seek the counsel of wiser and older elders and the young man is a spiritual leader in the relationship and has the goal of winning the girl’s heart.

There seems to be a suggestion that if one is in a marriage-oriented relationship, “avoiding alone time” is a requirement (or is basically one). This is not the case.

So too is there an implication that “accountability to parents and other trusted adults” is inextricably linked to a healthy serious relationship. This is, again, not at all true.

Finally, I have never met mature adults who described their relationship as having “the young man…girl’s heart.”

You open up your relationship to your accountability partners. Basically, you let them know that they can ask you anything about the relationship at anytime. You don’t have to worry about hiding things, and you think twice about doing something questionabe when you know that you are going to be asked what happened.

Deal-breaker.

 

[LaMusicaSenior]

I do not have any particular suggestions, but I find some of the content extremely problematic and/or logically flawed:

There seems to be a suggestion that if one is in a marriage-oriented relationship, “avoiding alone time” is a requirement (or is basically one). This is not the case.

So too is there an implication that “accountability to parents and other trusted adults” is inextricably linked to a healthy serious relationship. This is, again, not at all true.

Finally, I have never met mature adults who described their relationship as having “the young man…girl’s heart.”



Deal-breaker.

 I find that my defintion and pratice of courtship is solid - and learned from multiple books *(I kissed dating goodbye*,* Of Knights and fair maidens*, *boy meets girl: hello to courtship*). 
I do beleive in accountability partners strengthening the relationship.  And parental involvemen will also be a factor for me - after all, he is marrying not only me, but my family as well, and I will be doing the same in his case.  
And if a mature young man doesn't feel as if he is trying to win a girl's heart and guide her soul to Christ, where is the relationship?  
 I also believe in avoiding seculsion - as it leads to an occasion of sin.  So being in a public area, and not going into places where it is just you and him/her is best as to not have an overly-physical relationship be a problem factor to the process of courting.  
Thank you for your thoughts.

 

[Byrnwiga]

Deal-breaker.

Nay. Deal-maker.

-Byrnwiga

 

[Baelor]

I do beleive in accountability partners strengthening the relationship.

I agree in accountability, but this does not mean that one has to disclose every aspect of a relationship. The amount, I imagine, is dependent on age, and I think that an underlying assumption of this thread is that we are discussing relatively young people. At the same time, I very firmly believe that the bond between husband and wife is one that has special privileges, one of which is privacy. Privacy facilities this bond, making it even more important. Part of dating for marriage involves growing closer; in some cases this would be hindered by the kind of “accountability” you advocate.

And parental involvemen will also be a factor for me - after all, he is marrying not only me, but my family as well, and I will be doing the same in his case.

No, you will be marrying each other. If your family’s opinion is important to you, I am truly happy for you (as I think that it, in general, should be). At the same time, that does not mean that they must be in the loop about everything in the relationship. If you and your boyfriend want that to be the case, great for you. But in no way is that a requirement of Catholic dating or a superior method in any way.

And if a mature young man doesn’t feel as if he is trying to win a girl’s heart and guide her soul to Christ, where is the relationship?

In the hearts of both involved, exactly where it should be.

I also believe in avoiding seculsion - as it leads to an occasion of sin.

If you are weak in that regard, then take the necessary precautions. But I fail to see why those precautions should be requirements for those strong enough not to be in an occasion of sin simply because they go to dinner or a movie unchaperoned.

For the record, I do like your blog and I do think that you raise some very good points. I am just wary of an equivocation between “things that I am doing because they are good for me spiritually” and “things that everyone ought to do.”

 

[AthenaC]

When I was younger, I met men who ‘were always tired’ and just wanted me to go over to their place to ‘watch TV’. Forget men like that. If he says ‘I am too tired to go out want to come over’ you say ‘well why don’t you rest and we make plans for a group outing some other time.’ If he gives you a hard time, forget him.

Haha! That reminds me of something I used to do. Whenever a guy would want to go home (either his place or mine) and “watch a movie,” I knew exactly what he wanted. So, of course, I would say yes. (I can hear you all going but just hang on, bear with me.)

As we were starting the movie, I would pull out some yarn, a crochet pattern, an afghan in process, and a crochet hook. “Oh, by the way, I need the light on so I can see what I’m doing here.” No one ever told me “no.” I did have one guy physically take it out of my hands mid-movie, to which I indignantly replied, “Hey! I was working on that!” He promptly handed it back.

I have to ask, how do you really plan on getting to know someone with a chaperone always present? I mean eventually you will get to a point where you will want to share things with each other, and only each other. Hopes, dreams, fears, secrets, etc as well as eventually having private talks about your feelings towards each other and the future of your relationship.

Frankly I would never court someone. If a guy didn’t trust being alone with me even in public, I would think that he had serious issues. If I could never be alone with him to talk privately and on a more personal level I could never feel close enough to him to even consider marriage.

This. Exactly.

 

[LaMusicaSenior]

I agree in accountability, but this does not mean that one has to disclose every aspect of a relationship. The amount, I imagine, is dependent on age, and I think that an underlying assumption of this thread is that we are discussing relatively young people. At the same time, I very firmly believe that the bond between husband and wife is one that has special privileges, one of which is privacy. Privacy facilities this bond, making it even more important. Part of dating for marriage involves growing closer; in some cases this would be hindered by the kind of “accountability” you advocate.

No, you will be marrying each other. If your family’s opinion is important to you, I am truly happy for you (as I think that it, in general, should be). At the same time, that does not mean that they must be in the loop about everything in the relationship. If you and your boyfriend want that to be the case, great for you. But in no way is that a requirement of Catholic dating or a superior method in any way.

If you are weak in that regard, then take the necessary precautions. But I fail to see why those precautions should be requirements for those strong enough not to be in an occasion of sin simply because they go to dinner or a movie unchaperoned.

For the record, I do like your blog and I do think that you raise some very good points. I am just wary of an equivocation between “things that I am doing because they are good for me spiritually” and “things that everyone ought to do.”

Thank you all for the comments!

Please realize that what I have decdied to do with my courtship life - which has yet to begin, as I am still in higschool - is a plan that I and my parents have outlined that will surely be adapted to different parts of my life as I grow and leave the house.

This isn’t THE plan for courtship for Catholicism, or the “requirements” for a Godly relationship, it is just my plan Not an outline for all Catholic teens/young adults, but the outline for what I would like my realtionship to be.

Beings that I have not courted or dated whatsoever so far in my life, I have a lot to learn about relationships as a whole, so I do thank you for your advice.

 

[1cor1313]

First, I would like to commend you on your decision to court and not to date. It so wonderful that you have the support of your family and I’m sure that you will have the support of your friends as well.

I’m 22 now and I made a decision similar to yours when I was in my teens. By that time, I had already had one relationship, so I can speak as a person who has made the decision to switch from the idea of dating to that of courting. I certainly didn’t like the whole dating thing. The relationship that I had meant nothing and I knew that. There is such an emptiness in dating, but in courtship there will always be fullness because both people are focussed whole-heartedly on God, the relationship leading to marriage, and getting to know one another in a pure, chaste way.

There will always be those guys that are frightened off by the idea of starting a relationship for the purpose of leading it into marriage, but just know that those guys are not the ones that could really benefit from hearing your explanation of not wanting to enter into a relationship unless it’s serious and has the potential to lead to marriage. The fact that you want your family to be so involved can also be good for them to hear. Too little emphasis is placed on the family in relationships today.

As for what to tell the guys that approach you, just be clear with them from the beginning, letting them know that because of your beliefs, you are not comfortable with being alone with a guy and (if true) that you’d like to get to know him better as friends.

 

[LaMusicaSenior]

First, I would like to commend you on your decision to court and not to date. It so wonderful that you have the support of your family and I’m sure that you will have the support of your friends as well.

I’m 22 now and I made a decision similar to yours when I was in my teens. By that time, I had already had one relationship, so I can speak as a person who has made the decision to switch from the idea of dating to that of courting. I certainly didn’t like the whole dating thing. The relationship that I had meant nothing and I knew that. There is such an emptiness in dating, but in courtship there will always be fullness because both people are focussed whole-heartedly on God, the relationship leading to marriage, and getting to know one another in a pure, chaste way.

There will always be those guys that are frightened off by the idea of starting a relationship for the purpose of leading it into marriage, but just know that those guys are not the ones that could really benefit from hearing your explanation of not wanting to enter into a relationship unless it’s serious and has the potential to lead to marriage. The fact that you want your family to be so involved can also be good for them to hear. Too little emphasis is placed on the family in relationships today.

As for what to tell the guys that approach you, just be clear with them from the beginning, letting them know that because of your beliefs, you are not comfortable with being alone with a guy and (if true) that you’d like to get to know him better as friends.

Thanks for the support! God Bless you and guide you in your journey as well.

 

[TrueLight]

LaMusica,

Do not be discouraged. There are traditional Catholics who court exactly as you described. They stay away from occasions of sin by hanging out with friends, at the park and restaurants. They avoid being alone in an apt for example. It works for them.

 

[underacloud]

I agree in accountability, but this does not mean that one has to disclose every aspect of a relationship. The amount, I imagine, is dependent on age, and I think that an underlying assumption of this thread is that we are discussing relatively young people. At the same time, I very firmly believe that the bond between husband and wife is one that has special privileges, one of which is privacy. Privacy facilities this bond, making it even more important. Part of dating for marriage involves growing closer; in some cases this would be hindered by the kind of “accountability” you advocate.

No, you will be marrying each other. If your family’s opinion is important to you, I am truly happy for you (as I think that it, in general, should be). At the same time, that does not mean that they must be in the loop about everything in the relationship. If you and your boyfriend want that to be the case, great for you. But in no way is that a requirement of Catholic dating or a superior method in any way.

I agree with this.

I would have found it very unnerving to court/date/whatever someone who I knew would tell their parents everything. How do you have intimate conversations with someone who you know will share such conversations? How can you discuss your future hopes for the relationship when these hopes/plans will be scrutinised by people other than the person you are in the relationship with? How can you be entirely open and honest?

It’s one thing to expect that your girlfriend/boyfriend might seek the advice of their parents…but it’s another step to accept that they will scrutinise the relationship.

This would also set an alarming possibility for married life, where parents and parents-in-law can sometimes play an excessive role in decision-making that is rightfully between the couple alone. You need to be careful. At some point, your (future) husband’s opinions and wishes supercede those of your parents…when this should happen is hard to say, and how this can happen if the reverse is initially true is also hard to say.

These are factors that may scare off many perfectly suitable, honourable suitors from the get go.

In much the same way, I don’t think that chaperoned dates are always necessary. I admire the desire to avoid near occasions of sin, but dates in public places are hardly that. Again, the scrutiny of a chaperone may be a restriction that could damage any potential courtship from the start.

People act differently when they feel scrutinised, whether by a chaperone or by the knowledge that all conversations will be replayed to parents later on. I just don’t think this is the right way to get to know someone. There’s a problem in science known as the “observer effect”, which loosely is that observing something changes the very thing being observed. Your boyfriend/date/couter is changed by the nature of his being observed. Maybe he’ll say things that he believes will pass the test of scrutiny. Maybe he will hide things that he fears parents will disaprove of. Maybe he will simply withdraw. None of these helps you, and may only drive off good potential husbands.

Your current plans may be suitable now, but please consider these issues down the track. It would be a shame to stick to these rules and later lament that you can’t find any decent, honourable Catholic men out there.

 

[AthenaC]

People act differently when they feel scrutinised, whether by a chaperone or by the knowledge that all conversations will be replayed to parents later on. I just don’t think this is the right way to get to know someone. There’s a problem in science known as the “observer effect”, which loosely is that observing something changes the very thing being observed. Your boyfriend/date/couter is changed by the nature of his being observed. Maybe he’ll say things that he believes will pass the test of scrutiny. Maybe he will hide things that he fears parents will disaprove of. Maybe he will simply withdraw. None of these helps you, and may only drive off good potential husbands.

Yes. The Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle as applied to dating. One can either: 1) have the “safety” of a chaperone / accountability person; or 2) trust your judgment and get to know the uncensored suitor. Once you go down one path, the other option is impossible. Likewise, you cannot have both. Plus, I question what additional “safety” one could have in such a situation anyway.

I should admit here that since my relationship with my parents is poisonous (and that’s on the good days!) the idea of trusting their judgment and allowing ANY sort of (name removed by moderator)ut boggles the mind. I really am happy for those of you who actually get along with your parents such that you feel they should get (name removed by moderator)ut into your dating lives; good luck with establishing boundaries latter on in marriage. You’ll need it.

 

[Chevaleresse]

Yes. The Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle as applied to dating. One can either: 1) have the “safety” of a chaperone / accountability person; or 2) trust your judgment and get to know the uncensored suitor. Once you go down one path, the other option is impossible. Likewise, you cannot have both. Plus, I question what additional “safety” one could have in such a situation anyway.

I should admit here that since my relationship with my parents is poisonous (and that’s on the good days!) the idea of trusting their judgment and allowing ANY sort of (name removed by moderator)ut boggles the mind. I really am happy for those of you who actually get along with your parents such that you feel they should get (name removed by moderator)ut into your dating lives; good luck with establishing boundaries latter on in marriage. You’ll need it.

I hate to interrupt, but the Heisenberg uncertainty principle refers to the inability to observe both position and momentum of a particle at the same time, not that only one can be observed from some point on. What you describe is closer to wave function collapse.

 

[LaMusicaSenior]

Your current plans may be suitable now, but please consider these issues down the track. It would be a shame to stick to these rules and later lament that you can’t find any decent, honourable Catholic men out there.

Absolutley. Thanks for your comments - and I agree! 17 year old me, who is avoiding romantic relationships to focus on God, family, and school, is very different than, say 23 year old me, who will be focusing on God, a future family, present family, and college
Thanks for your advice!

 

[AthenaC]

I hate to interrupt, but the Heisenberg uncertainty principle refers to the inability to observe both position and momentum of a particle at the same time, not that only one can be observed from some point on. What you describe is closer to wave function collapse.

Right. I took some liberties because Heisenberg never intended to describe social dynamics.

 

[LaMusicaSenior]

Your current plans may be suitable now, but please consider these issues down the track. It would be a shame to stick to these rules and later lament that you can’t find any decent, honourable Catholic men out there.

Yet at the same time, I would rather stay commited to courtship and wait for a wonderfully chivlarious, decent honourable young Catholic man. If God will is for me to marry, than He will introduce a young man in my life who is everything God wills him to be for me.

 

[twoangels]

I don’t think what you wrote is lengthy. When I was about your age, I got really hooked on reading books like “I kissed dating goodbye” and “The ABC’s of choosing a good husband” or “Romance God’s Way.” It was nice and romantic, but in practice I didn’t even know any men who had heard of such a thing, let alone been raised to pursue women in such a manner. I thought perhaps I just wasn’t around enough devout Catholics. When I transferred to FUS, I’d be with like minded people. When I’d see couples, I’d ask them if they were courting. I found there was a whole controversy on campus about dating versus courting. I even found there was a book entitled “I gave dating a chance.”

The reality is that while courtship is a nice concept, it can only work when it is a part of the culture. People have to grow up with it as an ideal. Boys have to grow up with the expectation that they will be expected to pursue women in a specific way.

Most of the criticism about dating today isn’t about traditional dating. Dating was the last cultural construct with a set of rules. Today we go on first dates and have datenights, but overall we enter relationships and change our facebook status.

I’ve noticed an overall trend in myself when I was young and other young people. Many young people learn about courtship and decide to use it as an excuse to jump more seriously into an exclusive relationship. So you’re mutually attracted to each other and right away you’re talking about marriage and thinking about getting married and fantasizing about planning a wedding. Because afterall, you should only see each other if you’re discerning marriage together right?

A few years ago a student at FUS made a song about how the idealism of courtship ended up getting practiced in reality. Its really funny, but true to life. Just too rushed.
youtube.com/watch?v=EMFy3sJx8DQ

But in both traditional dating and courtship, this was never the case. When women were courted, they had multiple suitors. Interest would eventually lead to exclusivity and usually within three months, the man would propose marriage if he were going to. Traditional dating involved going on multiple dates. Its what we’d call today as going out as “just friends.” Typically young people were encouraged to date but not to “go steady” till they were older. Going steady simply gradually happened as you began favoring each other. It was simply culturally understood that these traditions were aimed at marriage. Dating and courtship were never an end in itself as “being in a relationship” is today.

I’d say the best book on the subject is “Wing to Wing, Oar to Oar.” Then, I’d focus on finding someone with similiar values. Find someone who believes in the institution of marriage and doesn’t see “being relationship as an end.” If a man seems interested in you, ask him what his values are. What does he think of cohabitation? What is he looking for in a relationship. What are his end goals. Then if he’s interested in you for just the companionship of a less than marriage relationship, than just tell him that you have different life goals and values. If you meet a man who isn’t sure and expresses he wants to marry someday, maybe mention that you read a book about courtship that you felt was a very interesting concept and see if he’s interested.

But its not a perfect system. I met my own husband online through avemariasingles. I felt casual dating wasn’t possible in person because there was too much of an emotional investment involved in driving three hours to go on a date. We needed to be at a point where we were seeing each other to exclusively discern marriage. so really our casual courtship began when we were emailing each other and talking on the phone. We were heading into our 30’s by the time we met each other, so we didn’t have parents’ interested in chaperoning us too much. We didn’t know a lot of people with our same values who even cared how chaste we were.
amazon.com/Wing-Oar-Readings-Courting-Marrying/dp/0268019606

 

[LaMusicaSenior]

I don’t think what you wrote is lengthy. When I was about your age, I got really hooked on reading books like “I kissed dating goodbye” and “The ABC’s of choosing a good husband” or “Romance God’s Way.” It was nice and romantic, but in practice I didn’t even know any men who had heard of such a thing, let alone been raised to pursue women in such a manner. I thought perhaps I just wasn’t around enough devout Catholics. When I transferred to FUS, I’d be with like minded people. When I’d see couples, I’d ask them if they were courting. I found there was a whole controversy on campus about dating versus courting. I even found there was a book entitled “I gave dating a chance.”

Ok, here are my thoughts on this. Dating vs. Courting is a sticky subject. People get tanlged up in terms (me included ) I love the term courtship because it reminds me of being a lady, and the young man acting like a Godly gentlemen. Yet, at the same time, this time in a relationship is a season of romance where a man and a woman work to discern marriage. It is the difference between pointless and reckless relationships and relationships that begin with eternity in mind. There are people who are in a courtship relationship that is immoral and not working towards furthering their spiritual life. There are people in dating relationships that are Godly and have the interest of marriage in mind. Joshua Harris said: “Terms don’t define our lives; our lives define our terms.”

You said this: (sorry, i can’t figure out how to quote within a post )

**The reality is that while courtship is a nice concept, it can only work when it is a part of the culture. People have to grow up with it as an ideal. Boys have to grow up with the expectation that they will be expected to pursue women in a specific way.

Most of the criticism about dating today isn’t about traditional dating. Dating was the last cultural construct with a set of rules. Today we go on first dates and have datenights, but overall we enter relationships and change our facebook status.**

Here are my thoughts on this. Yes, people are messed up with the way we should handle romantic relationships. We want something better, something purer that worships God. So we ask “How does courtship rules work?” But the better question would be: “How can I have this relationship work towards glorifying God and serving the other person by rejejcting selfishness?”

You also said:
I’ve noticed an overall trend in myself when I was young and other young people. Many young people learn about courtship and decide to use it as an excuse to jump more seriously into an exclusive relationship. So you’re mutually attracted to each other and right away you’re talking about marriage and thinking about getting married and fantasizing about planning a wedding. Because afterall, you should only see each other if you’re discerning marriage together right?

Courtship, just like anything good created to glorify God, can be misused and twisted by those who use it to their selfish advantage. But before the couple even thinks about pursuing the possibilty of marriage they really need to examine the relationship: Is it glorifying God? Fufilling roles of a man leading the spiritual aspects of the relationship? Is the union supported by friends and family? Is your focus for marriage purely the physicall relationship that is to come? Are you able to cope with problems together? Do you both want what is best for each other?

But in both traditional dating and courtship, this was never the case. When women were courted, they had multiple suitors. Interest would eventually lead to exclusivity and usually within three months, the man would propose marriage if he were going to. Traditional dating involved going on multiple dates. Its what we’d call today as going out as “just friends.” Typically young people were encouraged to date but not to “go steady” till they were older. Going steady simply gradually happened as you began favoring each other. It was simply culturally understood that these traditions were aimed at marriage. Dating and courtship were never an end in itself as “being in a relationship” is today.

Final thoughts: Courtship if a season of frienship that focuses on defining direction, if the couple will be able to glorify God through the sacrament of Marriage. My mother always recommended a long courtship and a short engagment. Courtship is important. It reveals issues that need to be discussed before Marriage (you had mentioned thoughts on cohabitatan, finding out his/her opinion on issues that are important to you and the church, great places to start! )

The difference between this relationship (obviously meant for a couple who is old enough to be thinking about marriage) and the usual “dates and going steady” is that the practice of courtship creates a goal to make the relationship successful.

Keeping in mind that sucess is not ending with you and him/her getting engaged, but you and him/her deciding if marriage is what God’s will is for both of you and if it can further lead to you being sucessful in glorifying God and reaching Heaven.

Sorry for the length post! Let me know your thoughts

God bless you all and thanks so much for your thoughts and support!
Chloe M.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

I have to ask, how do you really plan on getting to know someone with a chaperone always present? I mean eventually you will get to a point where you will want to share things with each other, and only each other. Hopes, dreams, fears, secrets, etc as well as eventually having private talks about your feelings towards each other and the future of your relationship.

Frankly I would never court someone. If a guy didn’t trust being alone with me even in public, I would think that he had serious issues. If I could never be alone with him to talk privately and on a more personal level I could never feel close enough to him to even consider marriage.

Can someone who is pro courting please explain to me how you get to know someone with a chaperone always there?

 

[EasterJoy]

Yes. The Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle as applied to dating. One can either: 1) have the “safety” of a chaperone / accountability person; or 2) trust your judgment and get to know the uncensored suitor. Once you go down one path, the other option is impossible. Likewise, you cannot have both. Plus, I question what additional “safety” one could have in such a situation anyway.

I should admit here that since my relationship with my parents is poisonous (and that’s on the good days!) the idea of trusting their judgment and allowing ANY sort of (name removed by moderator)ut boggles the mind. I really am happy for those of you who actually get along with your parents such that you feel they should get (name removed by moderator)ut into your dating lives; good luck with establishing boundaries latter on in marriage. You’ll need it.

I don’t think Heisenberg would put his name on something that isn’t true.

No, once you go down one path the other path is not impossible. Not to be unkind, but that is nonsense. It is also obviously untrue that there is no “safety” in keeping your whereabouts and doings transparent to others, especially those who know you. After all, is it at all profound to realize that most of us are far more trustworthy when we know we are acting in full sunlight, rather than in darkness or secrecy? As much as we might hope we are most guided by our fear offending God, let us face it: we all fear getting caught, too.

Keeping oneself under observation while in the company of someone of the opposite sex isn’t exactly a quantum function, either. For instance, you don’t have to have an appointed chaperone to keep yourself chaperoned. There is a degree to which simply being in a public place keeps you chaperoned. Letting people with permission to make comments on your choices know who know where you are and who you are with is a degree of being “chaperoned”. Married people who have opposite sex friends know this, particularly women who have male friends who are in the clergy.

Also, there is rightly a degree to which parents keeping tabs on their teens is not predictive of the ability of those parents to maintain an appropriate distance when their children become full-fledged adults, let alone when the children are married. A mother that took the trouble to know where you were and who you were with (and were not alone with) when you were 18 can be quite capable of biting her tongue and minding her own business when you are a wife yourself. This is something to which those of us with non-poisonous in-laws and parents can attest.

Finally, it is axiomatic that we will be blind to the faults of someone we fall in romance with. Love is blind. Friends and family, OTOH, will take an intense dislike to suitors they can see do not treat us well. We can’t get that feedback if we don’t carry on at least some of our courtship in the company of those who care about us. Even those who spend a great deal of time alone while courting, therefore, would be well-advised to do at least some of their courting under the surveillance of those with less-biased eyes, and ask them to look out for us. That unbaised feedback is invaluable. Those who don’t seek it leave themselves with a very large blind spot.

 

[EasterJoy]

Can someone who is pro courting please explain to me how you get to know someone with a chaperone always there?

Not to be indelicate, but people do not have to be close enough and aware enough to overhear your conversations to be close enough and aware enough to be a reminder to you two unmarried lovers to keep your clothing and hands where the clothing and hands of unmarried people belong.

IOW, a level of surveillance that makes discovery a constant possibility is usually sufficient.

That is what I mean by “courting”, not that you always have your father within four feet away, glowering at your suitor with a loaded Winchester on his lap!