Explaining the process of Courting

[LaMusicaSenior]

There has been a lot of talk about courtship as being a strict schedulized script. I want to discuss that real quick.

Forgive me for not quoting directly, as there are so many posts since I got on (only 2 hours ago ) that there is a lot to keep up with.

Let me see if I’m getting this right: The objection to courtship here is that you don’t want it to be scripted and unnatural.

Courtship defines the natural process. Please don’t think I’m sitting here with a calender saying: “Alright, June 5th to July 31st we’ll be just friends…the from August 1st to October 7th we’ll be deepening friends, then from…” No! That is tense. That is demanding. That is NOT courtship.

But think of it from this way. In a relationship, how many times have you been asked, “So guys, how serious are you?” You answer, “Just friends,” “Serious! We’re in a relationship!” or “Gosh, I really don’t know.” So, these “stages” are just a rough outline of how to answer that question with yourself!

Also, guys are NOT stupid. If they see a young woman that they have becmoe friends with, they are going to make a move to move beyond a friendship. They have to be the leader, as they would be in a possible future marriage, to give the relationship a direction!
If they do not want to committ to anything beyond friendship, than that is all they will ever be, just friends.

On spontaneous moves, it’s not like in a courtship you are going to talk to the other person and say: “Tuesday we can start holding hands!” It is a move made by the young man to express his interest in the relationship - and ready to back it up by his prayers and actions towards the young woman and treating her as a lady.

 

[LaMusicaSenior]

No worries.

I meant in the sense of physical attraction. Attraction on other levels (intellectual, and so forth) is a must.

Yes, but my use of the term “physical attraction” encompassed both sexual attraction and attraction surrounding appearance. I suppose it may be best to split “physical attraction” into more finely demarcated terms.

Yes! Beauty fades and is fleeting. If you are attracted to WHO the person is, instead of WHAT they look like. So, when you are both seventy and your wife isn’t the physical beauty she used to be, you still love her becuase you fell in love with her character as well!

 

[thewanderer]

There has been a lot of talk about courtship as being a strict schedulized script. I want to discuss that real quick.

Forgive me for not quoting directly, as there are so many posts since I got on (only 2 hours ago ) that there is a lot to keep up with.

Let me see if I’m getting this right: The objection to courtship here is that you don’t want it to be scripted and unnatural.

Courtship defines the natural process. Please don’t think I’m sitting here with a calender saying: “Alright, June 5th to July 31st we’ll be just friends…the from August 1st to October 7th we’ll be deepening friends, then from…” No! That is tense. That is demanding. That is NOT courtship.

But think of it from this way. In a relationship, how many times have you been asked, “So guys, how serious are you?” You answer, “Just friends,” “Serious! We’re in a relationship!” or “Gosh, I really don’t know.” So, these “stages” are just a rough outline of how to answer that question with yourself!

Also, guys are NOT stupid. If they see a young woman that they have becmoe friends with, they are going to make a move to move beyond a friendship. They have to be the leader, as they would be in a possible future marriage, to give the relationship a direction!
If they do not want to committ to anything beyond friendship, than that is all they will ever be, just friends.

On spontaneous moves, it’s not like in a courtship you are going to talk to the other person and say: “Tuesday we can start holding hands!” It is a move made by the young man to express his interest in the relationship - and ready to back it up by his prayers and actions towards the young woman and treating her as a lady.

When I talk about the problem of courtship being able to turn into a ‘scripted’ busness if you will I am not at all refering to a timeline of events. I mean the way one acts within the courtship itself. The saame thing can happen on dates, and you typically see it happening on dates with young teenagers who don’t really understand the whole relationship thing yet. Instead they have a picture in their head of what dating, or in this case courting is, and when they begin their relationship keep comparing everything they do to that image and try to act according to that image even if it means acting in a way that is not natural to who they are as a person. So, with dating, some people might feel pressured to kiss their date at the doorstep at the end of the night because thats what they’ve seen in so many movies when people date, but it might not be appropriate for them to do so at all. Similarly with courting, people can get an image of the specific way the relationship is meant to be and then act according to that as opposed to being themselves, which inhibits getting to know someone. Again, I am not claiming that courtship = a scripted process, just that I see it very, very easily becoming one because it is seen so little in real life and instead is presented in many books etc as a religious ideal.

I think that Byrnwiga’s idea of getting out a clear understanding of the differnces between dating and courting might be helpful as I think the ambiguousness of their definitions is confusing things. The only necessary difference between courting and dating that I see is that when courting one never spends time alone with ones partner. If you think that this is not the only difference, feel free to throw out more ideas and I will let you know what I think of them, but so far this is the only real difference between the two that I see.

 

[thewanderer]

Yes! Beauty fades and is fleeting. If you are attracted to WHO the person is, instead of WHAT they look like. So, when you are both seventy and your wife isn’t the physical beauty she used to be, you still love her becuase you fell in love with her character as well!

Just so its clear, I agree with this entirely. My point in bringing up attraction in the first place is just to make sure it is not downplayed too much, don’t worry, I hardly think it is the most important thing in a relationship, in fact, like I said I spent quite some time arguing on a different thread that physical attraction was not even strictly necessary, its just that its important to point out the pitfalls on both ends of the spectrum, it is possible both to put too much and too little importance on such attraction and both mistakes are best avoided.

 

[LaMusicaSenior]

Just so its clear, I agree with this entirely. My point in bringing up attraction in the first place is just to make sure it is not downplayed too much, don’t worry, I hardly think it is the most important thing in a relationship, in fact, like I said I spent quite some time arguing on a different thread that physical attraction was not even strictly necessary, its just that its important to point out the pitfalls on both ends of the spectrum, it is possible both to put too much and too little importance on such attraction and both mistakes are best avoided.

Exactly. A balance is what is really neccesary! Thanks for sharing your thoughts on this!

 

[BlueEyedLady]

Hi, atheist here! I have engaged in plenty of modern, secular dating, and I’m engaged to be married in a few months to a fellow secularist. So while anything I have to say is just anecdotal, I think it might be of at least some use.

1. I don’t think that I have ever engaged in purposeless dating. Unless you want to count a couple of guys in high school that I dated simply to rebel against my parents. I don’t count those though, that wasn’t real dating and I was only 16.
2. I’ve never ended up in that weird “twilight zone” stage where we didn’t know what the other was thinking or feeling, or how serious we were. Why? Because we communicated. We were both emotionally invested so to protect ourselves and each other we frequently checked in.
3. We didn’t substitute pointless follies, sex, or anything else for really getting to know each other. Our favorite dates were dinner, coffee shops, hookah bars, bars and libraries just to sit and talk and get to know each other. Honestly, if someone else had been there it may have put a damper on that. Both of us are pretty shy, and I don’t think that we would have spoken as freely.
4. As for family, I met his 3 months in and then saw them about once every other month after that. He met my family a year in (I wanted it to be sooner, but it wasn’t possible.). So why did we wait so long? We both live a very long way away from our families. There was just no other way. It’s easier for his family, they can visit us, but my family is too poor to do so. And I’m fine with that. My family knows and loves him, but even if they didn’t I’m marrying him, not my mother.
5. You mentioned several times never being alone, not even in the car. Well why the heck not? Yes, you could pull over and have sex if you want to, but it would actually take a fair bit of discussion and effort to pull it off. (Even just finding a spot would take awhile.) You would have to be very intent on doing that. That level of fear is up there with refusing to go to a shooting range because you could turn the gun on the other patrons and go on a shooting spree. Sure, you could. But you won’t.

 

[LaMusicaSenior]

The only necessary difference between courting and dating that I see is that when courting one never spends time alone with ones partner. If you think that this is not the only difference, feel free to throw out more ideas and I will let you know what I think of them, but so far this is the essential difference between the two.

Well, even in courtship there is alone time - if not, how does one disucss the subjects that are important to the couple in a one-on-one time? But it is alone time in a public place, and where people can see you interact with each other. “one-one” discussions are not the same as complete seclusion in, say an empty house.

As per a list of differences, give me a little time and I’m going to post some thoughts on these ideas. I don’t want to make rash comments or not be able to articulate what my thoughts are, so please be patient

Thanks again to all for this discussion, I can’t tell you how much I love being able to talk about this subject.

Oh, also wanted to point out that for some of us (me included) we are at an age where romantic relationships do not fit in with our present vocation. I am enjoying a season of singleness where I am using my time at home and work and school (I’m homeschooled) to give glory to God without worrying about romance. For instance, I have plenty of time to write my blog, go to adoration, spend time with my siblings and youth group before having to worry about leaving Higschool and going into the world!

Thanks again and God bless!
Chloe M.

 

[thewanderer]

Well, even in courtship there is alone time - if not, how does one disucss the subjects that are important to the couple in a one-on-one time? But it is alone time in a public place, and where people can see you interact with each other. “one-one” discussions are not the same as complete seclusion in, say an empty house.

And that is precisely what I mean by not ever being alone.

As per a list of differences, give me a little time and I’m going to post some thoughts on these ideas. I don’t want to make rash comments or not be able to articulate what my thoughts are, so please be patient

Thanks again to all for this discussion, I can’t tell you how much I love being able to talk about this subject.

Oh, also wanted to point out that for some of us (me included) we are at an age where romantic relationships do not fit in with our present vocation. I am enjoying a season of singleness where I am using my time at home and work and school (I’m homeschooled) to give glory to God without worrying about romance. For instance, I have plenty of time to write my blog, go to adoration, spend time with my siblings and youth group before having to worry about leaving Higschool and going into the world!

Thanks again and God bless!
Chloe M.

 

[thewanderer]

Well, even in courtship there is alone time - if not, how does one disucss the subjects that are important to the couple in a one-on-one time? But it is alone time in a public place, and where people can see you interact with each other. “one-one” discussions are not the same as complete seclusion in, say an empty house.

Well, thats what I mean by being alone, being somewhere without other people around. Although, from the fact that you suggested an empty house as opposed to an empty room I have to wonder if you mean something different than I assumed you did by ensuring to be in a public place. Would you mind elaborating as to what you believe counts as a public place?

 

[Boniface]

Here are some interesting articles on the subject that kind of take a unique view that I think still falls within the pale of orthodoxy.

unamsanctamcatholicam.blogspot.com/2009/01/courtship-dating.html

unamsanctamcatholicam.blogspot.com/2009/01/love-matrimony.html

unamsanctamcatholicam.blogspot.com/2008/04/homeschooling-dating.html

 

[LaMusicaSenior]

Hi, atheist here! I have engaged in plenty of modern, secular dating, and I’m engaged to be married in a few months to a fellow secularist. So while anything I have to say is just anecdotal, I think it might be of at least some use.

1. I don’t think that I have ever engaged in purposeless dating. Unless you want to count a couple of guys in high school that I dated simply to rebel against my parents. I don’t count those though, that wasn’t real dating and I was only 16.
2. I’ve never ended up in that weird “twilight zone” stage where we didn’t know what the other was thinking or feeling, or how serious we were. Why? Because we communicated. We were both emotionally invested so to protect ourselves and each other we frequently checked in.
3. We didn’t substitute pointless follies, sex, or anything else for really getting to know each other. Our favorite dates were dinner, coffee shops, hookah bars, bars and libraries just to sit and talk and get to know each other. Honestly, if someone else had been there it may have put a damper on that. Both of us are pretty shy, and I don’t think that we would have spoken as freely.
4. As for family, I met his 3 months in and then saw them about once every other month after that. He met my family a year in (I wanted it to be sooner, but it wasn’t possible.). So why did we wait so long? We both live a very long way away from our families. There was just no other way. It’s easier for his family, they can visit us, but my family is too poor to do so. And I’m fine with that. My family knows and loves him, but even if they didn’t I’m marrying him, not my mother.
5. You mentioned several times never being alone, not even in the car. Well why the heck not? Yes, you could pull over and have sex if you want to, but it would actually take a fair bit of discussion and effort to pull it off. (Even just finding a spot would take awhile.) You would have to be very intent on doing that. That level of fear is up there with refusing to go to a shooting range because you could turn the gun on the other patrons and go on a shooting spree. Sure, you could. But you won’t.

Thanks so much for sharing! Some thoughts:

The reason there wasn’t a “perpetual friend zone” was because of great communication - this is what I’m trying to get at in my advocation for courtship and pure dating. Communication can really remove a lot of problems, for sure!

There is definatly a place for personal discussions, it’s in that courting, all the time isn’t spent alone, so you can get to know the young man/young woman in their enviroment, not just behind a mask they put on to give the best impression.

I don’t advocate riding alone in a car together becuase that is what my Dad, Mom, and me is something that I have decided against, and I trust and value their opinions, views, and advice. I don’t want to invite that temptation into the relationship.

 

[LaMusicaSenior]

Well, thats what I mean by being alone, being somewhere without other people around. Although, from the fact that you suggested an empty house as opposed to an empty room I have to wonder if you mean something different than I assumed you did by ensuring to be in a public place. Would you mind elaborating as to what you believe counts as a public place?

 Sure!   
 Ok, so if I went to a coffee house with a guy, and we sat down and had a conversation, there is still other people there who would be able to observe my interactions with him.  Becuase I want to be an example of a pure, young Catholic adult, I'm not going to do something with him that I regret - and nothing that I wouldn't do if Christ was sitting there with us.  Now, there is nothing stopping me from giving him a call and saying, "Hey, I'm taking younger siblings to the zoo today, want to join us?"  Or "Hey, youth group is getting together for game night, want to come?"
 Or if I went to my local shelter to volunteer, and he came along, we would be working in a public enviroment with other people.  
 If I went to a movie with him, it is dark and things can happen that wouldn't happen in the light.  So I would avoid a movie.  Or if he invites me to his house and there is no one there, that's not a great enviroment.

 

[LaMusicaSenior]

Hello to all again!
Wanted to share this article on courtship v. dating (or not) too!
Let me know what you think and thanks for the the conversation!
God bless,
Chloe M.

*** “I hear the word ‘courting’ a lot in opposition to ‘dating.’ What are the differences between the two and which relationship is the better of the two?” ***

***Great question! Courtship and dating are words that are thrown around a lot. I think this questionis right, that it is important that we know if there’s a difference between the courtship and dating and understand if one is better than the other when placed through the filter of God’s Word.

Courtship has been around for a long, long time. For many, courtship feels like an old-fashioned word that conjures up images of a couple sitting in a living room under the watchful eye of parents until the fella gets down on one knee and proposes. Courtship crashed back onto the cultural landscape in a big way several years ago when Joshua Harris wrote the book I Kissed Dating Goodbye. Since then, many families and young people have adopted a commitment to courtship. What does that look like in 2011? Typically:

1. A young man and woman do not court until they are ready for their relationship to move toward marriage.
2. The couple’s parents are involved in establishing the boundaries for the relationships and have an opinion on whether or not a guy or gal is a wise potential mate.
3. The couple doesn’t spend a lot (if any) of time together alone.
   These are good parameters. In fact, they are better than good … they are biblical.

Song of Solomon 8:4 says, “Daughters of Jerusalem, I charge you: Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires.” In fact, this statement is repeated three times throughout the book Song of Solomon. That means it’s important. Pursuing romantic intimacy before marriage is a real possibility opens you up to all kind of struggles. The heart of courtship is the notion that you won’t just date for fun but will pursue romance with marriage as an end goal.

Exodus 20:12 tells us to honor our father and mother. This is true for all areas of our lives. Involving your parents in your romantic relationships is a great way to honor them and to make sure that your plans for your love life line up with theirs.

First Corinthians 6:18 tells us to flee from sexual immorality. That means to run in the opposite direction. Limiting time alone is a great way to run from the temptation to get overly physical.

I’ve been around a lot of girls who court and a lot of families who want their children to court. I think what they are doing is great. Clearly, the basic principles of courtship are so important to living a lifestyle of purity.

What’s the difference between dating and courtship? I have found that many times it’s simply semantics. I have known lots of girls who haven’t committed themselves to courtship and yet, they don’t date just for fun; they only date guys who seem like good husband material, they involve their parents in their decision making and they do everything possible to keep their relationships pure.

I have found this to be an area where some people fall into pride. It is fantastic to make a solid commitment to pursue God’s standards for romance either as an individual or as a family. But just because someone else is doing the same thing but calling it something different doesn’t meant they are any less committed to sticking to God’s plan for romance.

Between courtship and dating, which is better? The answer is they aren’t as different as some might lead you to think. The bottom line is that God asks you to wait on His timing for romance, to only date guys who love Him with their whole hearts, and to do whatever it takes to stay away from sexual sin. I call that purity. ***

 

[BlueEyedLady]

**

When I base my standards in courtship, and I base them following God's will for my life and His plan revealed to me through prayer, scripture, the Church, and trusted friends and fmaily, I put complete trust in His plans.  
 Doubting that the "right guy" will ever show up is in fact doubting God's ability to fufill His own plan.  Yet wavering in my standards so that I can accomadate a young man is not the way that I will fufill His will.  If a young man is seriously interested in pursuing my heart as his future wife, he will instead rise to my standards.**

Don’t be so sure, there are lots of people on these boards who were sure that their vocation is to marriage and now they are way past their child bearing years and still single.

Also, what is with this “If a guy really wants me he’ll meet my expectations” garbage? Ever stop to think that the right guy may have standards and expectations of his own that you guys will have to navigate and compromise on? I don’t think that even the most devout Catholics think that you put in a prayer to god and out comes the exact man you ordered ready to bend to your every desire.

Men are people too. They come with their own feelings, wants, needs, ideals, plans, etc and if you are really ready to pursue marriage with one then you are going to have to show the same consideration a flexibility for his standards and desires as you expect for yours. And no, no amount of praying is going to get you a man who has the same beliefs and standards you do. Just ask anyone on this board. People are people and all different, there will have to be some give and take.

I also don’t understand this winning your heart and being tested thing. You are not a princess, and he is not a lowly peasant who must prove his worth. You are both equals, and you have to approach it as such. You are both going to have to demonstrate consistently that you have the qualities that the other wants in a spouse. You are both going to have to demonstrate your love, commitment, and flexibility every day. You are both going to have to compromise. He is a human deserving of dignity and respect. He is not here to put on a show for you or your family.

 

[Byrnwiga]

You are both equals, and you have to approach it as such.

I’m not sure how the courting process being described puts the two people on unequal standing.

He is a human deserving of dignity and respect. He is not here to put on a show for you or your family.

Well, I personally wouldn’t take it as an affront to my dignity, nor would I feel as an ‘object’ on display.

-Byrnwiga

 

[LaMusicaSenior]

So, in terms of standards, these are the things I am looking for in a future husband, things I have prayed about and things I pray for him about daily.

1. He is a faithful Catholic. This is something that must be true, or I cannot become romantically invovled with him.
2. Parental approval is something I value, and my father must approve of our relationship becuase he loves me and looks out for me. If this man wishes to marry me, he will become my physical and spiritual protector, and I want my current protector (my Dad) to be confident in his ability to protect me.
3. He values my purity and my commitment to stay pure for marriage
4. He isn’t involved in drugs or alchohal
5. He is repsonsible
6. He knows and understands the dangers of pornography and treats women as children of God and sisters in Christ, not objects for him to use.
7. He is not afraid to show his mother and sisters that he loves them. The way he treats them is the way he will treat me.
8. He is honest.
9. He spends time with his family and values them becuase he knows they are an important gift from God.
10. He has self control
11. He is on the path or in an established career that will support a future family.
12. He is completly open to life and parenthood and the pratice of NFP in marriage
13. He wants his children to be raised and taught by their mother through homeschooling and me being a stay at home Mom.
14. He is the man God has chosen for me and the one that I have prayed for all of my life. Even though I might not have known him until now, in all my decisions about my heart and body I protected so that I can love him completly.

 

[thewanderer]

Sure!
Ok, so if I went to a coffee house with a guy, and we sat down and had a conversation, there is still other people there who would be able to observe my interactions with him. Becuase I want to be an example of a pure, young Catholic adult, I’m not going to do something with him that I regret - and nothing that I wouldn’t do if Christ was sitting there with us. Now, there is nothing stopping me from giving him a call and saying, “Hey, I’m taking younger siblings to the zoo today, want to join us?” Or “Hey, youth group is getting together for game night, want to come?”
Or if I went to my local shelter to volunteer, and he came along, we would be working in a public enviroment with other people.
If I went to a movie with him, it is dark and things can happen that wouldn’t happen in the light. So I would avoid a movie. Or if he invites me to his house and there is no one there, that’s not a great enviroment.

Ok, just curious, would you count the two of you being in one room of a house by yourselves if others are elsewhere in the house as being in a public place or not?

 

[LaMusicaSenior]

Ok, just curious, would you count the two of you being in one room of a house by yourselves if others are elsewhere in the house as being in a public place or not?

So, this is a situation I would avoid. If a young man and I were watching a movie downstairs, and everyone else was upstairs, I feel that this is an isolated situation . Yes, someone could walk in on us - but what if they don’t?
While in a public place (volunteering, coffee place, etc,) there is people there to observe you and you are going to be physically pure becaue of the fact that you are in public.

 

[thewanderer]

***1. A young man and woman do not court until they are ready for their relationship to move toward marriage. ***

I have to ask, what exactly counts as a couple being ready to move towards marriage?
I also must say that it is definately possible to not date unless ones relationship is geared towards marriage and determing whether or not you will marry someone. I do not see this as something specific to courting.

***2. The couple’s parents are involved in establishing the boundaries for the relationships and have an opinion on whether or not a guy or gal is a wise potential mate. ***

When teenagers are dating parents often put boundaries on their relationship. Again, this is not particular to courting

***3. The couple doesn’t spend a lot (if any) of time together alone. ***

This, again is the distinction I brought up as the only real difference between dating and courting.

 

[LaMusicaSenior]

For more clarification, here is an article by Jason Evert:

What’s the difference between dating and courtship?

***The concept of dating is about as old as the automobile. Nowadays we are so used to it that we might not be able to imagine any other approach to relationships. But back before the car, the reason why a man would invest time with a woman was to see if she was a potential marriage partner. The reason he expressed romantic interest was to woo her toward that lifelong commitment. This process usually took place within the context of family activities.

When the car was invented, this courting could be divorced from spending time with family because the couple could leave the family behind. Soon, the whole point of spending time together shifted from discernment of marriage to wooing for the sake of wooing. Many people would begin a relationship simply because they found the other to be cute and fun.

This put a new spin on the focus of relationships, and short-term relationships became commonplace. With this mentality, a person who dates successfully breaks up with everyone in his life except for one person (and this is supposed to be good preparation for a successful marriage). Of course, the majority of relationships do not end in marriage, but some become so intimate and intense that the couple might as well be married. If a breakup occurs, then they experience a sort of emotional divorce. It is not uncommon that by the time a person is married, he feels like he has already been through five divorces.

You may ask, “Well, what is the alternative? Am I supposed to shelter myself, put walls around my heart, and forget having a social life?” Not at all. The alternative is to rethink the way we approach relationships. Whether we admit it or not, the world has molded our views of preparing for marriage. We need to seriously ask ourselves: “What is the godly approach to relationships?” What would God have us do? Perhaps his ways are a 180-degree change from everything you’ve experienced. Perhaps you are burned out from the dating scene anyway, and could use a breath of fresh air.

Either way, I suggest a return to the principles of courtship. When I first heard of the resurgence of Christian courtship, I was skeptical. I remember thinking: “Oh, courtship. So if I want to spend time with a girl, I have to arrange for our families to go to a pumpkin patch together, followed by an exciting evening of board games, and then go home by seven. Woo hoo–real practical for a guy just out of college, living in Southern California.” I had heard a great deal about courtship, but when I began reading books on the subject I ended up liking the idea more than I hoped I would. There was a great deal of wisdom that I had never tapped into.

Many books propose different forms of biblical dating, but the fact is that no one ever dated in the Bible. In some passages the parents arranged the marriage, and in other places we read of men going to foreign countries to capture their wives. The idea of traveling overseas and capturing a wife may be appealing to some, but the Bible does provide guidelines that are more practical. Just because the concept of dating was unknown to those before the twentieth century, that doesn’t mean that Scripture cannot help us understand the mind of God on the matter.

In Psalm 78:8 we read of a generation that had no firm purpose and their hearts were not fixed steadfastly on God. If that is a good description of our relationships, they need some reworking. We should be intent on finding out if it is the Lord’s will for us to be with a certain person, and until we are ready to move in the direction of marriage, what is the point of committing to another?

Some may retort that this is all too serious, but should we be giving our hearts away to people who are in no position to make a real commitment? I am not proposing that you build an impenetrable wall around your heart, but that you guard it with prudence. We can wrestle over the terms “courtship” and “dating,” but the essential thing is to glorify God and act wisely. The time spent prior to marriage must be a school of love where two young people learn the art of forgetting self for the good of the other.

While there is nothing wrong with becoming friends and spending time with members of the opposite sex, committed relationships should be entered into for the sake of discerning marriage. When we do enter into relationships, we should allow wisdom to chaperone romance. This involves having the humility to become accountable to others. Find a member of the same sex that you look up to, and go to him or her for guidance in your relationships. As Proverbs says, “Without counsel plans go wrong, but with many advisers they succeed” (Prov. 15:22).

There is also a great deal of wisdom in spending time together with the other person’s family. Not only does it honor the parents, it also helps you get to know the family that you may one day join. Finally–and this may be a real eye-opener: How this person treats his or her family will likely be how he or she treats you when the feelings taper off. For example, if you are a young woman dating a guy who is disrespectful toward his mother and sisters, but is a perfect gentleman around you, guess what you have to look forward to if you settle down with him.

If we spend every waking hour tucked away in private gazing into our sweetheart’s eyes, we will never find out who they are. The type of time a guy and girl spend together is essential if they wish to ground their relationship in reality. Spending time in service, with family, and even playing sports will help reveal who the person really is.

These are some of the principles of courtship: ask God’s blessing at the beginning of a relationship; enter it with direction, toward discerning marriage; involve the families; be accountable to others; pace yourselves as you spend time together; and always listen for the Lord’s guidance.***