Explaining to religious people

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RoseLilacLily

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Hi everyone. I have another question. Since Easter is coming up, that means I have to deal with younger relatives and their parents. This is the first year me and my wife (of three years) will be attending my families big Easter dinner. I have many Catholic and religious relatives and they don’t really approve of my relationship with my wife.

Both me and my wife are non religious and we are at different levels of Asexuality. (I’m completely asexual and she is mostly asexual) I’m very open with relatives my age and younger relatives. My younger relatives always ask when me and my wife are having kids. When I tell them we don’t want kids their parents swoop them up and tell them that we’ll have kids soon.

Here’s my question. How do I explain to my older relatives that me and my wife probably wont have kids and that we want them to stop reassuring their children that we will?
 
Why’d you come to a Catholic forum with this question? You’re probably not going to find much sympathy here, I’m sorry to say…

Anyways, as to your question, those are their kids. They can parent them however they want to.

Don’t you think its kind of ironic, that you don’t want to have children, and yet in your question, you ask, “we want them to stop reassuring their children …”.

I mean… not all families get along, and I’ve had many an awkward moment at family gatherings as well…

But, the bottom line here, is that those are their kids. They have a right to teach them that marriage entails having children. Our choices in life have consequences. Your choice to not have children, has many consequences, one of them will be the above problem you face…
 
I came to the Catholic forum to get Catholic answers. Good or bad.
I understand that they are their kids, but wouldn’t it be better to not say that we’ll have kids but that we’re just not having kids right now? They lied if they said we’ll be having kids soon. Some of their children are old enough to remember and be excited about upcoming babies.
 
I’m not religious either but here goes.

For the most part religious people will continue to assure the kids you will have kids because procreation is commanded (in a round about way). Their beliefs are something they are trying to pass on and view as correct. They may actually believe you will have kids even if by accident and probably believe your bioclock will start ticking one day soon (mine started only 3 years ago at 29, suddenly).

More than likely they know your position. Don’t expect them to accept it per se but just take an agree to disagree stance.
 
I think you need to learn to protect your marital privacy better.

Even if you were having kids as soon as you could, it wouldn’t be good lunch table conversation. “We think we’ll have a baby in exactly 9 months. Thanks for lunch, mom. Gotta run!”
 
@HerCrazierHalf: I am almost 100% sure we wont be having kids accidentally. They probably think we use birth control anyway. Unfortunately when it comes to younger adults everyone else thinks we’re sex crazed.

@Xantippe: I’ve never said anything to my family about that sort of marital stuff. It’s my young relatives that bring it up. They love new babies and once me and my wife got married they would ask constantly. No one older brings it up because I just say I’m dont want children.
 
Sounds like you guys are an exception. Yes, I would describe most young adults as “sex crazed” and some as “sex crazed” but self restrained by religion or fear. Btw, I’m a 32.
 
How about saying, “When God sees fit,” to the younger crowd. You’re giving witness to being open to life without offending anyone’s sensibilities. When I was infertile, this would satisfy.

You may identify as asexual (I know a few single folks who are drawn to this, and several married couples who live in Josephite marriages), and a) it isn’t polite discussion and b) asexuality does not always preclude “becoming broody” at some point.
 
All things aside whether I agree with your ideas or not, because that is totally irrelevant to the question, I am appalled that your family would approach the subject of children in this manner. It is such a personal question. Asking, “When are you going to have kids?” is akin to asking, “so why aren’t you having more sex?” It is none of their business.

I would simply shut it down by responding with, “That is a personal matter between my wife and I. But thank you for your concern.”

You don’t have to explain that you don’t want to have children. You don’t have to explain anything. You are not required–nor should you be expected–to.
 
RoseLilacLily said:
Hi everyone. I have another question. Since Easter is coming up, that means I have to deal with younger relatives and their parents. This is the first year me and my wife (of three years) will be attending my families big Easter dinner. I have many Catholic and religious relatives and they don’t really approve of my relationship with my wife.

Both me and my wife are non religious and we are at different levels of Asexuality. (I’m completely asexual and she is mostly asexual) I’m very open with relatives my age and younger relatives. My younger relatives always ask when me and my wife are having kids. When I tell them we don’t want kids their parents swoop them up and tell them that we’ll have kids soon.

Here’s my question. How do I explain to my older relatives that me and my wife probably wont have kids and that we want them to stop reassuring their children that we will?
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Maybe it’s how you are saying it. I mean, you are telling the children that you don’t want to have children? I would be a bit uncomfortable with someone saying that in front of my kids. Also, if the children are very young, they might not know how babies are made or, if they do, they don’t know about contraception. These are topics about which the parents should be able to control time, place and manner of the discussion, no? But the way you are answering is inviting questions that perhaps the parents are not ready to answer.

Maybe there is a more diplomatic, vague way of answering that question. Maybe you should just say, ‘We don’t know’, or ‘We don’t know if we will have children.’ That’s very different than saying, ‘We don’t want them’.
 
RoseLilacLily said:
I came to the Catholic forum to get Catholic answers. Good or bad.
I understand that they are their kids, but wouldn’t it be better to not say that we’ll have kids but that we’re just not having kids right now? They lied if they said we’ll be having kids soon. Some of their children are old enough to remember and be excited about upcoming babies.
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I know this issue is important to you, but I believe you’re overthinking this.

Tell them very simply, “_____ and I are not planning to have kids.” The oldsters won’t stop asking. They just won’t. Accept it and move on.

If the kids ask, “We won’t be having kids, but if we were, I’d want one just like you!”

Don’t describe all of the details of your sexuality. They really don’t want to know. And it won’t change anything except that they will be uncomfortable and still pester you!

If they persist, just find something witty to say, “Aunt Louise, I can’t have kids! I’m saving all my love for you!” Aunt Louise is happy and you can go about your business.

Good luck!
 
I don’t see this as a religious question, but one of etiquette.

What these parents should be teaching their children is that the question is none of their business, unspeakably rude, and one that certainly deserves to be stopped immediately. If their parents won’t parent as they should, you have every right to tell them gently that information like that is private and they shouldn’t ask fir it.

You’ll be doing the people they come in contact with the rest of their lives a very big favor if they learn this now.
 
Am I missing something here…the entire thread and I don’t read anything remotely addressing a very pressing issue…assuming that you are Catholic…forgive me if you are not…please…also…the number of individuals in this thread tha acknowledge NOT being Religious…;whats your definition of Religious…are any of you Catholic…In marriage…that is , if they still teach such things, given the nature of liberalism, pre cana…marriage preparation…couples are , or, should be instructed that they are to be ‘open’ to the possiblity of children…of course their have been devout married Catholic couples througout history that have opted to live celebant lives in their marriage…but.,these were devout Christians…you claim…alongwith a few others in this thread that you are not Religious…I am a little confused…If I am off base…and you are not Catholic…I am curious why you are on this site…curiosity …o.k. If your not Catholic and just questioning about your family’s attitude…just ignore it…I can actually get a ‘visual’ on your upcoming family gathering…You and your wife owe no explanation to anyone…and I believe that what other people think of me is none of my business…asexual eh…?
 
Ophelia23 said:
All things aside whether I agree with your ideas or not, because that is totally irrelevant to the question, I am appalled that your family would approach the subject of children in this manner. It is such a personal question. Asking, “When are you going to have kids?” is akin to asking, “so why aren’t you having more sex?” It is none of their business.

I would simply shut it down by responding with, “That is a personal matter between my wife and I. But thank you for your concern.”

You don’t have to explain that you don’t want to have children. You don’t have to explain anything. You are not required–nor should you be expected–to.
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What’s wrong with telling the truth? That is, “We plan on having no children.”?

And families beget families. We don’t live in bubbles. Someone raised us and love us and now that you’re married, your family doesn’t have to matter? That’s a big issue for Catholics. It basically amounts to: “I’m your mother and you should hear what I have to say” and replying with, “I’ve got my own family and I’m an adult so butt out.”

And where does the next generation come from? Random hookups and accidents? Wake up and smell the responsibility and understand the meaning of marriage. Open to life. Babies. That bundle of joy, that gift from God.

If the OP doesn’t want that then just tell the truth.

There may be the assumption for some that non-religious people don’t have to go through this or that it’s somehow easier. Non-religious people have parents and awkward moments with their non-religious children as well.

Peace,
Ed
 
RoseLilacLily said:
I understand that they are their kids, but wouldn’t it be better to not say that we’ll have kids but that we’re just not having kids right now? They lied if they said we’ll be having kids soon. Some of their children are old enough to remember and be excited about upcoming babies.
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Some of their children are old enough to remember? How old are their children?

At a certain age, I think parents are entitled to not be forced to have delicate conversations they don’t want to have. So… if these children are younger than 10. Then, those parents can tell them whatever they want, and its probably not lying.

Idk how young the kids are… But, again, if they’re under 10… try to put yourself in their shoes.
What if some married couple had come to you when you were 10 years old, and told them they were “asexual”. … I mean, I’m 22, and its still a little odd to hear someone say that to me…

Those kids are gonna have no idea what you’re talking about. And they shouldn’t. [Again, I’m inferring how old they are… correct me if I’m wrong]. But I’d say, everything I just said applies to them if they’re not yet in middle school.
 
I would very much like to say we dont explain asexuality as “we dont have sex” to children or adults. We tell the children nothing about our sexualities. They just know me and my wife would rather treat our pets more like our babies then a real baby. As for the adults they know what it means, they just say we’re too scared for sex, and I’m fine with that.

@RC Sojourner: They are six through 14. Most are old enough to remember their parents told them “we’re gonna have a baby soon”. Thats practically already pregnant in my family.

@edwest2: Im gonna take all that as good because the truth should be said. I dont like lying.

@awsiukiewicz: Me and my wife are not religious, but my family is. If open to children includes adoption then I guess no problem? We do talk about it but it doesn’t go far.

@Book Worm: My family is kind of rude. I don’t think most of the kids know where babies come from so I don’t see it as overly rude. The parents though dont seem care too much. Until I talk kids that is.

@chefmomster2: I accept they wont stop. I have been asked by a kid why I dont want children and if I dont like any of my younger relatives. I told them I love them all very much and that I need to save up my love for more of them. Thats gotten me through so far.

@DAML72: We definitely dont say we dont want kids with scorn. If anything its more questioning and awkward.

@Ophelia23: Well when you put it that way, now I’m kind of creeped out. Before marriage it was “dont have sex” after marriage its “have lots of sex”? I don’t know how heterosexual couples can handle it.

@Miserissima: I know its not polite discussion, but when they bring it up they are the ones not polite. I have to stick up for myself and my wife. Its not terrible. Its just a bit out of norm for others.

@HerCrazierHalf: We think people our age are “sex crazed” too. I guess luckily for asexuals without religion we can pretend better that we are just saving ourselves for marriage and no one could give us so much flack.
 
I am not sure why you have told anyone else in your family about your asexuality, but it was a mistake to do so. Going forward, keep your married life private and do not entertain any questions or comments about it. “That is between me and my wife” is perfectly fine. If you don’t want people asking you questions, don’t give them the green light for it.

It is very rude of the parents to allow their children to ask you such questions. They should be teaching their children that it’s not appropriate and that they should not ask such things of anyone, that it isn’t their business. Don’t tell the kids you don’t want children, just tell them that they are asking a personal question that they should not be asking. You have to actually set boundaries if you want people to respect them.
 
@OP, I didn’t mean to imply that you were the one precipitating the discussion. Are your folks Catholic? I may have missed if you said they weren’t.
 
RoseLilacLily said:
I would very much like to say we dont explain asexuality as “we dont have sex” to children or adults. We tell the children nothing about our sexualities. They just know me and my wife would rather treat our pets more like our babies then a real baby. As for the adults they know what it means, they just say we’re too scared for sex, and I’m fine with that.

@RC Sojourner: They are six through 14. Most are old enough to remember their parents told them “we’re gonna have a baby soon”. Thats practically already pregnant in my family.

@edwest2: Im gonna take all that as good because the truth should be said. I dont like lying.

@awsiukiewicz: Me and my wife are not religious, but my family is. If open to children includes adoption then I guess no problem? We do talk about it but it doesn’t go far.

@Book Worm: My family is kind of rude. I don’t think most of the kids know where babies come from so I don’t see it as overly rude. The parents though dont seem care too much. Until I talk kids that is.

@chefmomster2: I accept they wont stop. I have been asked by a kid why I dont want children and if I dont like any of my younger relatives. I told them I love them all very much and that I need to save up my love for more of them. Thats gotten me through so far.

@DAML72: We definitely dont say we dont want kids with scorn. If anything its more questioning and awkward.

@Ophelia23: Well when you put it that way, now I’m kind of creeped out. Before marriage it was “dont have sex” after marriage its “have lots of sex”? I don’t know how heterosexual couples can handle it.

@Miserissima: I know its not polite discussion, but when they bring it up they are the ones not polite. I have to stick up for myself and my wife. Its not terrible. Its just a bit out of norm for others.

@HerCrazierHalf: We think people our age are “sex crazed” too. I guess luckily for asexuals without religion we can pretend better that we are just saving ourselves for marriage and no one could give us so much flack.
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The reality is that families are nosy and they care. Families will also speculate endlessly. And it’s hard to enjoy family time when you know something uncomfortable will be brought up at some point. You’re always a bit on edge that way.

I am a tell the truth and shame the devil sort.

I’d have a talk with the adults and explain that I am asexual and so is my wife. Not afraid of sex. Not icked out by sex. Simply do not desire sex. Period. And that I know this is something very outside the norm, but that’s how we are and we will not be producing offspring any time in the near future. We aren’t contracepting, we aren’t using NFP, we aren’t doing anything that would result in a baby, even accidentally. So, please stop lying to the kids who ask by telling them we’re going to have kids.

The adults will stop speculating and I’d be willing to bet they’ll start telling the kids not to ask personal questions.
 
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