Explaining to religious people

[maryjk]

@HerCrazierHalf: I am almost 100% sure we wont be having kids accidentally. They probably think we use birth control anyway. Unfortunately when it comes to younger adults everyone else thinks we’re sex crazed.

Either you are having sex or you aren’t. You can’t be almost 100% sure about. If you are having sex, then you might get pregnant. If you aren’t having sex, then you are 100% sure you won’t get pregnant. (Obviously excluding the terrible case of being raped)

@Xantippe: I’ve never said anything to my family about that sort of marital stuff. It’s my young relatives that bring it up. They love new babies and once me and my wife got married they would ask constantly. No one older brings it up because I just say I’m don’t want children.

I agree with others that have said, don’t explain to anyone about your sex life. You probably need to stop being so open with people about it. Telling a parent or even a child that you “don’t want kids,” will generally lead people to believe that you don’t like children. I would probably swoop my young child up, too.

A better answer would be “We don’t know.” Because you don’t. (At least it seems as though you don’t know because you aren’t 100% sure.

 

[RoseLilacLily]

@Lorelei12: I’ll never see me telling my family I’m asexual as a mistake. Its not the biggest thing about me, but its a part of me that I’m proud of. Boundaries are probably a good thing, but when children want an answer they’ll get an answer. Be it from me or a not so great source.

@Miserissima: My parents are not Catholic.

@Monicad: I try to keep my answers short but when they ask I explain as simply as I can.

@MJJean: I have told them a lot of what you said. They’re the type to not belive what we say since we are either “trying to be cool” or “are corrupted” and need to go to church to see how silly we’re being.

@maryjk: I say almost 100% because of terrible accidents like rape. My wife doesn’t want to get pregnant so shes very careful about where she goes and how many people will be there. I am never mistaken for someone who doesnt like children. They get overwhelming, but I enjoy playing games with them. Their parents wouldn’t leave them with me if they thought I didn’t like them.

Okay. From all the answers I’ve gotten I think I have some solid things to tell my family if not having kids or me and my wifes asexuallity are brought up. Thank you everyone and I appreciate all the answers.

 

[Lorelei12]

@Lorelei12: I’ll never see me telling my family I’m asexual as a mistake. Its not the biggest thing about me, but its a part of me that I’m proud of. Boundaries are probably a good thing, but when children want an answer they’ll get an answer. Be it from me or a not so great source.

I’m a little confused here. You’re “proud” of being asexual? Our sexual inclinations are not some kind of accomplishment.

I don’t think you can have it both ways. You can’t overshare with your family, and then expect them not to ask questions. And if a child asks a question, and you think you have to answer them all the time, then I don’t see what the problem is here. If you aren’t interested in setting boundaries, you should have no issues with people asking anything.

 

[RoseLilacLily]

Well I think there are many reasons to be proud about yourself for many reasons. And I know many people that are very proud to be straight.

I’m fine with questions if it leads to better understanding. Someday it might. I think children deserve answers to their questions. They’re curious and that’s not bad.

My issue isn’t them asking questions. It’s that I didn’t know how to explain to the children’s parents that I don’t want them telling their children that we’re going to, for sure, have kids.

 

[cheese_sdc]

Here’s my question. How do I explain to my older relatives that me and my wife probably wont have kids and that we want them to stop reassuring their children that we will?

That’s a tough position - most religious types don’t understand or accept asexuality. Honestly, the best thing that you can do is just tell them, firmly and gently, and with much repetition that “We are not planning on having kids”.

What they tell their own kids is up to them. All you can do is stay on message “We are not planning on having kids”. Over and over again.

Oh, and your sex life is none of their business.

 

[RoseLilacLily]

Repetition might help in most cases, but it probably wont ever stop.

And I don’t mean to get off my own topic, but mow I’m starting to think my family thinks my sex life if there business. All through my they told me to abstain from sex, stay away from sexual situations, avoid people that aren’t sexually pure and keep away from homosexuals. (Luckily my parents weren’t so strict, or I wouldn’t have friends)

If my sex life after the age of concent isnt any of their business then why have they done these things up until I got married? I got married at 23. And I could use some pent up angr and say my not wanting kids is their fault. I was givin babies to take care of constantly as a kid and they told me “The best birth control is what will happen if you have sex”.

It wouldn’t surprise me that since they thought they always controlled my sex life then, why shouldn’t they do it now? Sorry. Bit of a rant there…

 

[Miserissima]

Repetition might help in most cases, but it probably wont ever stop.

And I don’t mean to get off my own topic, but mow I’m starting to think my family thinks my sex life if there business. All through my they told me to abstain from sex, stay away from sexual situations, avoid people that aren’t sexually pure and keep away from homosexuals. (Luckily my parents weren’t so strict, or I wouldn’t have friends)

If my sex life after the age of concent isnt any of their business then why have they done these things up until I got married? I got married at 23. And I could use some pent up angr and say my not wanting kids is their fault. I was givin babies to take care of constantly as a kid and they told me “The best birth control is what will happen if you have sex”.

It wouldn’t surprise me that since they thought they always controlled my sex life then, why shouldn’t they do it now? Sorry. Bit of a rant there…

I’ll take your rant and call your hand.

The part about “it’s their fault” bothers me.

If you have a predisposition to asexuality or if it is a conscious choice, it is not their fault.

However, if you were conditioned to equate sex with babysitting as a punishment for healthy sexual expression in marriage, that’s a leap in thought that a therapist should help with.

 

[RoseLilacLily]

I known I’ve been asexual for awhile. Its not anyones fault. But if I was feeling overly emotional theres always the chance that could pop out. I could probably see a therapist about stuff my family does. I’d hope their plan to make not have kids young didnt ruin me for kids in general. I’ll look into this.

 

[gardenswithkids]

Hi everyone. I have another question. Since Easter is coming up, that means I have to deal with younger relatives and their parents. This is the first year me and my wife (of three years) will be attending my families big Easter dinner. I have many Catholic and religious relatives and they don’t really approve of my relationship with my wife.

Both me and my wife are non religious and we are at different levels of Asexuality. (I’m completely asexual and she is mostly asexual) I’m very open with relatives my age and younger relatives. My younger relatives always ask when me and my wife are having kids. When I tell them we don’t want kids their parents swoop them up and tell them that we’ll have kids soon.

Here’s my question. How do I explain to my older relatives that me and my wife probably wont have kids and that we want them to stop reassuring their children that we will?

I just responded on a thread about people who ask if a couple is “done”–and I believe it is just as rude to ask a childless couple when they will have children or why they don’t. Instead of getting into a conversation about if you want children, your sex lives and your fertility or infertility, I suggest you simply say, “We don’t know” quickly followed by you changing the subject.

 

[gardenswithkids]

Repetition might help in most cases, but it probably wont ever stop.

And I don’t mean to get off my own topic, but mow I’m starting to think my family thinks my sex life if there business. All through my they told me to abstain from sex, stay away from sexual situations, avoid people that aren’t sexually pure and keep away from homosexuals. (Luckily my parents weren’t so strict, or I wouldn’t have friends)

If my sex life after the age of concent isnt any of their business then why have they done these things up until I got married? I got married at 23. And I could use some pent up angr and say my not wanting kids is their fault. I was givin babies to take care of constantly as a kid and they told me “The best birth control is what will happen if you have sex”.

It wouldn’t surprise me that since they thought they always controlled my sex life then, why shouldn’t they do it now? Sorry. Bit of a rant there…

The Catholic understanding of marriage is that marriage should be open to the possibility of children. That’s not just the Catholic understanding of marriage–other cultures and faiths have had that same understanding too. Marriage is a public institution, and prior to the contraceptive culture and divorce culture, it was generally understood that a husband and wife would likely be father and mother to future members of society. Marriage was the setting for legitimate sexual expression to bring about next generation of society in a secure home with a mother and a father. However, not all couples are fertile. Asking a childless couple why they don’t have children is very rude.

You do not need to explain to your family why you don’t have children. And rather than go off on a rant with them, I stick by my previous suggestion that you simply tell them you don’t know when you will have children and then change the subject. I will defend your right not to have to answer questions like this to your family. I’ve been on the receiving end of a MIL who has different opinions about how many children I should have–and I would not wish that on anyone else!

But to answer your question of why they did these things that you mentioned above, I’ll share a little more from my perspective. It is likely because human sexuality is the way that babies are created (or used to be before the third party reproductive technology like IVF and sperm donations entered the picture.) Sexuality outside of marriage places innocent lives at risk. They run the chance of being aborted-and decent Catholic parents don’t want to their grandchildren to be aborted. Nor do they want their children to be single parents. Single parents face a hard life. Sex outside of marriage places women children in a situation of not having the father actively involved in the child’s life–and an involved father married to the child’s mother is the best way to prevent child poverty.

It’s not that we see sexuality as bad–it’s that we see it as good–VERY good! Besides expressing marital love, it’s how babies are made. Something that good deserves both respect and protection. Marriage was a way to protect human sexuality by creating a secure home for the children that may result from male-female sexual relations. When you entered into a marriage, it was assumed that the marriage would be consummated in a way that makes it possible for their grandchildren to come into existence.

You and your wife likely have a different understanding of what marriage is, but since you asked I wanted to share. Society understanding of marriage and its purpose has been torn apart by contraception and divorce and a growing trend for sex-outside of marriage and single-parenthood and more.

I hope that helps a little. Please forgive your parents if they did or did not do something that could have helped you understand this better.

 

[UbiCaritas]

If an adult asks, I’d suggest responding in a manner similar to what some others have suggested. *“I beg your pardon?!”, * said in a shocked tone, may help to convey the sheer rudeness of the question. Alternately, in a firm tone, “We only discuss our sex life with one another,” may be a possibility. (After all, babies generally do come from sex, so the question pertains to this aspect of your lives, and is, therefore, absolutely none of the questioner’s business.)

With kids, they often don’t know better, though their parents should teach them not to ask such questions. “I don’t know” followed by a change of subject is a perfectly acceptable answer regardless of your or their parents belief systems, and depending on the age of the kid, you may even imply via your tone of voice that that’s not a polite question to ask. (Obviously, a three-year-old can’t be expected to know better, but a twelve-year-old can…use common sense in this.) It’s also a good answer because it doesn’t leave you open to demands for explanations if your opinions change in five or ten years. Not saying they will, but it’s a nice rule of thumb with such questions not to state things too definitely for two reasons: first, it’s none of the questioner’s business, and second, if they don’t have specifics they can’t use them to pester you if your situation changes.

While your understanding of marriage differs from the Catholic one, Catholicism is never an excuse for rudeness, of which questions of this nature are a prime example.

 

[mommamaree]

I don’t see that you need to explain it to them at all.

In fact, I think you are already sharing way too much information. I can tell you that I am pretty sure the reason your relatives rush in to reassure their children that of course you will have kids sometime soon, is that if you tell children that you don’t want children, then the children might interpret that to mean that some children are unwanted and begin to wonder if they were wanted. So the reassurances might be more for the benefit of the children, who might be sensitive to the idea that children might be unwanted. My own children are very sensitive about that attitude. It injures their little hearts to hear others making statements about children not being wanted. I am very careful about the talk they are exposed to.

With respect to what information you share when asked impertinent questions, I suggest answering with a vague response. Perhaps something like “only God knows if we will ever have a child”. That is true, but vague, and religiously-educated children are likely to have been taught about God’s part in the creation of new little human beings, so that would make sense to them.

Older people are old enough to know better and if they ask the impertinent questions, you can gently put them in their place and remind them that such is none of their business.

 

[RoseLilacLily]

@gardenswithkids: I’m starting to think they are being ruse on two levels here. One about asking when we’re having kids and two I think mean to ask in a mean sort of way. Like “Oh you’re not having kids? But having children is a blessing.” And kind of like they’re better then me in general for not having kids. The way me and my wife see our marriage is that we’re best friends and we love each other. Sex is meaningless to us because we don’t see sex as a loving thing, but as a way to make children, which it is. And since we don’t want children at all biologically, we don’t have a reason to have sex. If we did want kids then we would have kids. My parents could have always done more to show me having kids was fine. I have a few younger siblings and I don’t see how great it would be to have kids. Its my aunts, uncles, cousins and grandparents that ruin all their hope of me wanting children. Not blaming them for everything, but they’re definitely not helping.

@UbiCaritas: Common sense, simple answers and repetition seem to be the big winners in what I should do with the questionsing. Its starting to seem like they mean to be rude. I dunno.