EXPLICIT (?): Satisfaction in Marriage

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dillonhudson

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This is kind of a personal question but here goes.

I’m 17 years old and have never had sex, nor do I plan to until I am married. I have been dating my future wife (I hope) for over 16 months and and 99.9% positive that she is the girl for me.

There are sometimes when I get so frustrated with waiting another 5 years (until we’re both done with college) that I just want to rip her clothes off and give everything to her right there and then. Has anyone else ever felt that way? That it just gets so darn hard sometimes…

I’m also wondering if people who wait until they are married have better and more fulfilling sex lives than the people who don’t wait. I just feel like sometimes I’m missing out on all the ‘fun’ and wonder whether or not it is worth it to wait until I am married… Is sex more fun if you wait?

Again, I’m sorry if I offend anyone. I wanted to ask and so I asked on Yahoo! Answers and, well you can imagine the stuff people said…
Can someone help me out please? Thanks!
 
Welcome to the human race.

I’m not doubting that you love your girlfriend. It’s possible to find one’s spouse at your age.

BUT–it’s not the rule.

I would wait about deciding who to marry until you’re older and are in a better position to take on the responsibilities of marriage.

Which bring me to my next point:

I’m going to speak strictly practically here.

Sex has consequences. Babies are just one of them. I really doubt you are mature enough yet to deal with these consequences.

So cool this off with here for a whlie. You’ll both be better off for it.
 
I don’t have the basis to answer your question if sex is more ‘fun’ if you wait. However, sex when married is so much better because you can thank God after (and during) sex rather than feeling guilty. Once you start, it is almost impossible to go back to not doing it.

You feel that you are meant for each other. After high school you both will change in many ways. In one or two years, if you continue to feel the same way about each other, you may want to consider getting married while you are still in college.

Everything you see on TV makes it look like everyone has sex by the third date and it’s normal to live together before marriage. But that isn’t what Christians are called to do. We are called to go against society and die to ourselves.
 
dillonhudson said:
This is kind of a personal question but here goes.

I’m 17 years old and have never had sex, nor do I plan to until I am married. I have been dating my future wife (I hope) for over 16 months and and 99.9% positive that she is the girl for me.

There are sometimes when I get so frustrated with waiting another 5 years (until we’re both done with college) that I just want to rip her clothes off and give everything to her right there and then. Has anyone else ever felt that way? That it just gets so darn hard sometimes…

I’m also wondering if people who wait until they are married have better and more fulfilling sex lives than the people who don’t wait. I just feel like sometimes I’m missing out on all the ‘fun’ and wonder whether or not it is worth it to wait until I am married… Is sex more fun if you wait?

Again, I’m sorry if I offend anyone. I wanted to ask and so I asked on Yahoo! Answers and, well you can imagine the stuff people said…
Can someone help me out please? Thanks!
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I have been through this myself and the best advice I can give right now is: Do not start, because once you do, it is very difficult to stop. I have only ever been with one woman, my wife, but alas, started to be with her (pardon me for saying) before we married. Do not go down this road! Prayer, confession, and the rosary were not able to get me to stop. Only marriage eased my conscience for no longer sinning, but once you sleep with someone, no matter how much you think you love them, they now hold a part of your spirit you cannot take back. If for whatever reason you sleep with this girl and it does not work out, a part of you will always be with her, and nothing would change that. There are some roads in life not worth treading down, and I recommend you do not go down this one, as you may lose yourself somewhere down that path in a place you may not wish to return to.

Remember the wise words of St. Paul: “But if they do not contain themselves, let them marry. For it is better to marry than to be burnt.” (1 Corinthians, 7:9)

Follow the rules of courtship (if you do not know them I can tell you), do not be alone with her (far too tempting!), and dress modestly.

Hope this helps!
 
Dill why not just get married.

If your parents are going to pay for room and board at a dorm, why not have them help you with the rent at an apartment close to the college, and you both could get married and live there.

what ya think?
 
many colleges now have married student housing as well, so Dorms may not be a problem should you marry.
 
Thank you to everyone for answering!

Cluny:
Maybe what you say is true about not being mature enough to handle such a relationship but its definitely one thing that me and my girlfriend pride ourselves on - exactly that. We both have a very mature relationship and love each other in a very mature and respectful way. I’ve been in other relationships to know that I feel love with my girlfriend. As the bible verse goes 1 Corinthians 3:18 “Love Never Fails” and we have been through soooo much in just a few short months and have always come out stronger and better than before.

Claire from DE:
Thank you for the advice. I hate how modern society has come to view love that way. It’s all about having sex within a week of meeting someone and completely destroys what God wants for us. As for getting married in college… she doesn’t want to do that and neither to either sets of parents… 🤷

EnchantedEve:
I’m very sorry to hear about the mistake you made in the past. I hope that I can learn to be stronger in my vow of chastity. We also have rules set up. If her parents aren’t home then I’m never inside for more than 30 seconds with her alone. She is also the very traditional type and has always been good at dressing modestly 🙂

TruthisBeauty 7 & Aramis:
As I said to ‘Claire from DE’ I don’t really see marriage as an option at this point, though I would love to do that :confused:
 
The statistics from the mid 1990’s showed that engagements/dating over 2 years (or under 6 months) drastically increase the divorce rate. While that was for the general population of age 18+, it is generally true that a long engagement is not a sure sign of a good marriage to come.

My wife and I were married at about 8 months after we met She was 20, I was 25, and still in college. Despite some MAJOR issues (severe difference in religious beliefs), we’re still together 13 years later and counting.
 
Modern life unfortunately is not set up in sync with the biological reality that the late teens and early twenties are when the body is ready for sex. Instead, a responsible young person is expected to delay the entry into adulthood in order to accomplish prolonged educational demands.

This makes it near impossible for your average young person to maintain premarital chastity. Either a young man succumbs to the temptation to fornicate, or else develops a prolonged habit of self gratification that ends up being difficult to break.

The OP’s difficulties are entirely natural and predictable. There is nothing wrong with him. The problem lies with the way our culture prolongs childhood and doesn’t support or expect earlier marriage.

There’s absolutely nothing wrong with responsible young people getting married in their late teens or early twenties. It’s natural and life affirming to get married.
 
Aramis:
Thank you for the info. Me and my gf will have been dating for about 6 years before we get married. Our engagement is gonna be about 1 year (yes we’ve got it all planned out because thats how excited we are 🙂 )

Middleman:
Thank you for your support. Unfortunately I have had struggles with masturbation and pornography and have been able to overcome both by the grace of God 🙂
 
My husband and I started dating when we were 16 and married when we were 21. We were virgins when we married. We will celebrate our 30th wedding anniversary this summer.

Our daughter started dating her boyfriend when she was 14 and he was 17. They got married last year when she was 22 and he was 25.

So yes, I believe it’s possible to meet your spouse at a very young age.

I do agree with those who say that young marriage can work. However, I recommend not marrying for at least a few years so that you can “grow up together.” Growing up together means experiencing many things together, including the bad and unpleasant things.

You say you are mature. Maturity means that you have weathered many experiences, good, bad, and horrible, and come through these experiences stronger and more in love. I’m not talking about going to movies and attending church and having dinner with your families. Here is a partial list of experiences that I recommend you do together BEFORE you get married:
  1. A funeral of a beloved family member (hers or yours), including the visitation and the lunch afterward, and possibly even helping to clean out the deceased relative’s home if this is possible.
  2. A sickness of one or both of you that involves barfing. Yes, you should be there holding up the head of your love, or she should hold up your head while you barf, and you should clean up afterwards. And no, the sickness should NOT be a hangover! A good stomach flu will do the job.
  3. A hospitalization of you or your love, hopefully for something minor like a hernia, a cyst, etc.
  4. A big family argument. Yes, you should be part of it, and you should be involved in the yelling, the crying, the eventual solution to the problem, and all the apologies and making up and hugging.
  5. A family vacation. Yes, go with the other family on vacation, or your love should go with your family. Separate rooms and beds, of course, for you and your love. But there’s nothing like a family vacation to really get to know your potential spouse! Woo, boy. A campout will do fine (separate tents, separate cots.)
  6. A family Christmas. BOTH of you should be part of BOTH of your familly’s Christmases.
  7. A big, long-lasting project in which you both work with babies and/or young children. VBS is a great way to do this, because it’s temporary. Other suggestions are camp counselling, family reunion games planner, religious education assistants to the teacher, etc. Just make sure that BOTH of you are working on this project.
  8. A heavy-duty outdoor chore, e.g., painting a house, planting an entire garden, baling hay, cleaning out a garage, etc. Yes, do it TOGETHER! Preferably one of your fathers should be standing over your heads criticizing everything you do!
  9. A politicial campaign. You should both be involved. It doesn’t have to be for a candidate. Perhaps you can join a political action group like Right to Life. Or get involved with a local issue in your town like the Campaign to Clean Up Grafitti.
  10. A sport. You should both be part of a physical activity on a regular basis. It can be different–perhaps you’re into running 5Ks, and she’s into ballet classes. Or it can be the same sport, if you are so blessed that you both enjoy the same activities (e.g., bike riding, running, bowling). But you should establish this habit early in your dating relationship.
  11. A religious retreat or conference. There are plenty of religious retreats that couples can attend even if they aren’t married. (Separate rooms!)
  12. A JOB. BOTH of you should hold down some kind of job, and you should be consulting with each other about how to spend and save your money. Your job should make enough demands of you that often, you must work out your plans for dating AROUND your job, and occasionally, you should have to miss an activity that you both really wanted to do because you have to work.
This is just a partial list. I hope you can see the purpose of all the things in my list. They prepare you for the kind of things that happen on a daily and weekly basis in marriage. If you can’t do these things together now and grow stronger in your love for each other, you will NOT be able to do them after you are married. Right now, you have your families to fall back upon if an experience is too upsetting and sad. When you are married, you will have only each other. Please take my advice, print out this thread, and start working your way through this list. You’ll be very glad you did.

I think that your plan to wait so long to marry is unrealistic unless you are separated (college, military, missionary service, etc.) My husband and I planned to wait, but all the pastors we knew told us not to wait, to just get married and be done with it. We’re glad we took their advice and got married BEFORE we got out of college. BUT…we had a very realistic and feasible plan to support ourselves. We didn’t just leap into marriage because a pastor told us to get married. We calculated the cost, and we had that big list of experiences above under our belts.

I do NOT recommend that you get married until you and your love are able to provide for yourselves and NOT depend on your parents for rent, food, etc. The Bible says that a man should leave his mother and father and cling to his wife. IF your or her parents are helping to support you, then you are not clinging to your wife, but to your parents as well–this will mean disaster for your marriage, since marriage is between TWO people, not four or six. If you are not able to support yourselves, then you are NOT ready to be married. Before you get married, you must come up with a good, solid, realistic plan for supporting yourselves.

Good luck to both of you.
 
Cat gave some good advice. But as to the original question, the answer is yes! Married sex is WAY better than sex with someone to whom you are not married. Sad to say, I’ve had my share of experience with the latter and without a doubt, the physical love that I share now with my husband is immesurably better than anything that happened prior to our relationship.

By the way, he and I agreed to wait until marriage–there was one time when we found ourselves in a compromising position and I became scared that we wouldn’t be able to stop. You know what that wonderful man did? HE PRAYED, right then and there, for God to give us the strength and will to do the right thing. I can’t think of anything more effective than that!

There are many reasons why I think it’s better to wait. As someone above stated, you lose the guilt factor; you are much more open to, and ready for, children; you can laugh about it if things don’t go exactly according to plan; because the commitment is already there, you don’t have to worry about “losing that part of your soul” as another poster so eloquently phrase it.

All that said, I do know how difficult it is to wait, especially now when your hormones are running at full steam. But the bottom line is, it is worth the wait! She is worth the wait. And if you really do love each other, you will make that act the precious gift it is meant to be…on your wedding night.
 
dillonhudson said:
I just feel like sometimes I’m missing out on all the ‘fun’ and wonder whether or not it is worth it to wait until I am married… Is sex more fun if you wait?
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As someone who came of age during the Sexual Revolution of the 60’s and has a substantial dataset (that I wish I didn’t have), married sex is much better. The difference is inconceivable to those who don’t appreciate God’s plan. When one commits their body and soul to another person in the Sacrament of Marriage, sex has its proper place. Proper married sex is an experience in full “afterburner mode”. But it is part of a greater, holy union. Putting the cart before the horse results in a shallow, unhealthy experience.
 
a_priori said:
As someone who came of age during the Sexual Revolution of the 60’s and has a substantial dataset (that I wish I didn’t have), married sex is much better. The difference is inconceivable to those who don’t appreciate God’s plan. When one commits their body and soul to another person in the Sacrament of Marriage, sex has its proper place. Proper married sex is an experience in full “afterburner mode”. But it is part of a greater, holy union. Putting the cart before the horse results in a shallow, unhealthy experience.
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Yeah!!! What he said above!!!😃 Some other things to consider is that you may grow apart and decide to not marry after all. Then you have experienced this incredible emotional and physical bond with this person that will become shattered. It will leave emotional scars on her soul to be dealt with by the man who will truly love her, respect her and want to make her the heart of his home. Sex before marriage will also change who you are and how you treat women in the future. Abstaining is a sign of maturity and discipline.

I don’t know whether you are Catholic or Baptist, but there is a great book out there called Theology of the Body for Teens: Discovering God’s Plan for Love and Life. I would recommend the workbook. The book is by Jason and Crystaline Evert and Brian Butler. It explains many of the reasons why abstaining from sex before marriage is important.
May your Guardian Angel watch over you and keep you close to God. God Bless you.
 
dillonhudson said:
Thank you to everyone for answering!

Cluny:
Maybe what you say is true about not being mature enough to handle such a relationship but its definitely one thing that me and my girlfriend pride ourselves on - exactly that. We both have a very mature relationship and love each other in a very mature and respectful way. I’ve been in other relationships to know that I feel love with my girlfriend. As the bible verse goes 1 Corinthians 3:18 “Love Never Fails” and we have been through soooo much in just a few short months and have always come out stronger and better than before.

Claire from DE:
Thank you for the advice. I hate how modern society has come to view love that way. It’s all about having sex within a week of meeting someone and completely destroys what God wants for us. As for getting married in college… she doesn’t want to do that and neither to either sets of parents… 🤷

EnchantedEve:
I’m very sorry to hear about the mistake you made in the past. I hope that I can learn to be stronger in my vow of chastity. We also have rules set up. If her parents aren’t home then I’m never inside for more than 30 seconds with her alone. She is also the very traditional type and has always been good at dressing modestly 🙂

TruthisBeauty 7 & Aramis:
As I said to ‘Claire from DE’ I don’t really see marriage as an option at this point, though I would love to do that :confused:
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Good for you! Coming from a very liberal permissive family I was not as well equipped as I should have been to deal with the situation.

There is one thing I do wish to mention: I may be of the old European school, but we NEVER got involved in another’s family argument. We viewed it as being none of our business, and never interfered. That was the old way anyhow.

Also, I agree with the others on marrying young. There was a sweet, kindly co-worker of mine who worked with me at Hallmark whose opinion I trusted (though she was of a different religion), and I asked her take on the matter. She said she married when young and it was the best thing that ever happened to her. That clinched it for me, and I married at 22. Granted, my wife was 25, but still we had been together 5 years when we married, and we had done all the things (except the argument!) Cat recommended, and more!

My 99-year old great-grandmother from Portugal married at 15 and continues to advocate marriage when young as the best way. You grow and struggle together, and in becoming adults together, are on the same page when it comes to getting through life and sharing it effectively. When you grow as seperate individuals, it is hard to suddenly put yourself aside at an older age. I saw this with my uncles, who, afraid to marry young, and wanted to wait until they were “ready,” were never ready and consequently have never married. I have seen more relationships where there is tension due to delays in marriage than I ever saw in people who married young. my great-grandmother was happily married 66 years.

dillon, I am not trying to say marriage is your answer, since I do not even know your situation. All I am sharing is that marrying when young, from what I know, is truly a great gift and you do not get to try it over again.There are a lot of risks that you are willing to take when young that you would not as you get older. I bought my own Hallmark store when I was 21, which now that I am settled and have two babies, I would never take the risk of doing now. But my wife and I were young, energetic, and could afford to take risks. There are advantages to having that invicible attitude from being young, these are your best years! Those opportunities only decline as the years pass, the awareness of failure becomes all too acute, and the risk of loss becomes too great . You become more cautious and careful, until you reach the point you would not take the risk at all. Do not lose out on life.

I am reminded of a motto from one of my favorite organizations, which could apply to you and your possible bride to be: “The most beautiful adventure in the world is ours.”

Pray that you know the will of God for you and your beloved. You only live just this once.

By the way, good call Middleman!
 
Don’t don’t don’t don’t don’t!!!

Please learn from my mistakes. Excepting all the moral reasons which I am sure you have had pointed out to you, here is a HUGE reason not to.

Sex is like a drug. It feels great, but it dulls your senses to anything else. It is addictive. When sex is involved in a relationship it becomes a “band-aid solution” to all the problems. So instead of getting to the root of problems and solving them, they get pushed aside and “makeup sex” is what happens after a fight instead of talking about the issues.

Wait until you get married. Think of how many people regret not waiting. No one ever regrets waiting.
 
dillonhudson said:
This is kind of a personal question but here goes.

I’m 17 years old and have never had sex, nor do I plan to until I am married. I have been dating my future wife (I hope) for over 16 months and and 99.9% positive that she is the girl for me.

There are sometimes when I get so frustrated with waiting another 5 years (until we’re both done with college) that I just want to rip her clothes off and give everything to her right there and then. Has anyone else ever felt that way? That it just gets so darn hard sometimes…

I’m also wondering if people who wait until they are married have better and more fulfilling sex lives than the people who don’t wait. I just feel like sometimes I’m missing out on all the ‘fun’ and wonder whether or not it is worth it to wait until I am married… Is sex more fun if you wait?

Again, I’m sorry if I offend anyone. I wanted to ask and so I asked on Yahoo! Answers and, well you can imagine the stuff people said…
Can someone help me out please? Thanks!
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Be careful with that word “fun” around here. There are a lot of people that don’t think sex should be “fun”. Don’t listen to them. Sex is indeed fun! But it is also so much more than that. Sex is the deepest expression of love and intimacy between a man and his wife. It’s also how the gift of life is transmitted.

You are perfectly normal. Yea, it’s certainly best to wait. If you have sex now, nothing really good can come of it and you might even wind up a daddy. You don’t need that.

But at 17, it’s very likely that you both will change as you grow through your twenties. Take the next 5 years with your girlfriend and experience as many different (non sexual) things as you can. Keep a large circle of friends too. Make school a priority and you’ll be fine!

😉
 
Dillon,

If you wait until you are married, you will have the incredible gift of knowing that you share something between the two of you that no one else is privy to. It is an incredibly sexy feeling. (It seems odd to be saying this in a public forum, but it is the truth as I know it.)
 
I thought I would weigh in here with a couple of points.
  1. Married sex is absolutely unbelievable, and it is a treasure beyond words to know that I have only been with this one man.
  2. Young marriages can be perfectly acceptable. 👍 My parents were both teenagers when they married (and, no, my mother was not pregnant). Their 37th anniversary is next month. I was married at 22, and I was the latest in my family to marry. My younger sisters married at 20 and 19, respectively. Their 12th and 10th anniversaries are both later this year. I advocate young marriages. 😃
 
Kat:
Cat said:
My husband and I started dating when we were 16 and married when we were 21. We were virgins when we married.
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Gosh thats EXACTLY how me and my girlfriend met and are planning it out. Any advice on how the heck you overcome nature for 5 years? It’s been 16 1/2 months for me and I am absolutely dying to rip my girlfriends clothes off and make love to her in a second… Thank you for taking so much time to type up all of the wonderful advice 🙂

kristie_m:
Thank you for all of the advice. I do not have much to say except that I know that our wedding night is going to be absolutely incredible, and that waiting for these next five years will make it worth every second :). Thank you for your time

a priori:
a_priori said:
As someone who came of age during the Sexual Revolution of the 60’s and has a substantial dataset (that I wish I didn’t have), married sex is much better.
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Sorry I don’t think I quite understand what that meant… did you have sex a lot during the Sexual Revolution? If so, then I am very sorry for that 😦 Thank you for what you said and for your time 🙂

Galnextdoor:
Thank you very much. I have heard of theology of the body, but I have never read the books or anything. I will definitely look into that 🙂
 
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