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chain
Guest
How deep of questions do you want to ask yourself? What is the purpose of life? What is the purpose of Marriage? What is the purpose for postponing marriage? What is the purpose of dating?
- Status
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dillonhudson
Guest
Sorry its taking me so long to reply! I didn’t think I would get this much support so thank you everyone!
EnchantedEve:
Thank you for your post. As I’ve said to many people, I appreciate your time and have read every word of what you have said.
Adrianna Jean:
Yes I know that it would be a mistake. My girlfriend and me have both been very good about talking through our problems instead of avoiding them. Thank you for your time
TLM08:
Haha yes I know its fun. God created it as the most intense expression of love and I think about our wedding night every day and how wonderful and amazing it is going to be for both of us 
Janechantal53:
I’m extremely glad that I found my girlfriend when I did. If it had been one more year I don’t think I would have remained pure. I have had trouble with pornography and masturbation in the past and through the strength God has given me, I have been able to overcome both of those terrible habits. My girlfriend has shown me God and purity and I have embraced both. It is a really amazing feeling knowing that neither of us has had sex and we will only ever do so with each other!
Sillara:
Thank you for your support about young marriages. It is very encouraging!
chain:
Thanks for the (name removed by moderator)ut. I know exactly what your saying. My body is screaming for sex, but sex requires marriage, something that I personally am not mentally, spiritually, emotional, or fiscally ready for yet.
EnchantedEve:
Thank you for your post. As I’ve said to many people, I appreciate your time and have read every word of what you have said.
Adrianna Jean:
Yes I know that it would be a mistake. My girlfriend and me have both been very good about talking through our problems instead of avoiding them. Thank you for your time
TLM08:
Haha yes I know its fun
. God created it as the most intense expression of love and I think about our wedding night every day and how wonderful and amazing it is going to be for both of us Janechantal53:
I’m extremely glad that I found my girlfriend when I did. If it had been one more year I don’t think I would have remained pure. I have had trouble with pornography and masturbation in the past and through the strength God has given me, I have been able to overcome both of those terrible habits. My girlfriend has shown me God and purity and I have embraced both. It is a really amazing feeling knowing that neither of us has had sex and we will only ever do so with each other!
Sillara:
Thank you for your support about young marriages
. It is very encouraging!chain:
Thanks for the (name removed by moderator)ut. I know exactly what your saying. My body is screaming for sex, but sex requires marriage, something that I personally am not mentally, spiritually, emotional, or fiscally ready for yet.
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rotlex
Guest
Good posts in here, so I thought I would add my “experience”. My wife and I will be married 20 years this October! We were married VERY young by today’s standards. She was 19, and I was 21. I can honestly say that I never, ever regret getting married at that age, as we have had many wonderful years together as a married couple, and we have grown even closer together than I could have possibly ever imagined.
As far as the uh, sex thing? I admit. We did “do the deed” before we were married. Do I think it was a bad thing? No. Would I do it again? Probably. I’m human. She is human, we were in love. That is NOT to say it would not have been nice to wait, but at the time, again, being very young, things just “happened”. I also openly admit to not truly finding my “faith” until just these past few years. Would I have been as deeply routed in my spiritual life, and God, as I am today, I may have acted differently.
Again, I do not regret it, and God knows it has not harmed our marriage in any way, but then again, from most that I speak with, we are the exception, and not the rule. I truly believe I found my soul mate and she hers, when we met, all those years ago.
We were married VERY young by today’s standards. She was 19, and I was 21. I can honestly say that I never, ever regret getting married at that age, as we have had many wonderful years together as a married couple, and we have grown even closer together than I could have possibly ever imagined.As far as the uh, sex thing? I admit. We did “do the deed” before we were married. Do I think it was a bad thing? No. Would I do it again? Probably. I’m human. She is human, we were in love. That is NOT to say it would not have been nice to wait, but at the time, again, being very young, things just “happened”. I also openly admit to not truly finding my “faith” until just these past few years. Would I have been as deeply routed in my spiritual life, and God, as I am today, I may have acted differently.
Again, I do not regret it, and God knows it has not harmed our marriage in any way, but then again, from most that I speak with, we are the exception, and not the rule. I truly believe I found my soul mate and she hers, when we met, all those years ago.
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lovemysix
Guest
My husband and I were both virgins on our wedding day, and we are very thankful we waited. We have a very satisfying physical relationship, and it’s incredible to know that this is an experience neither of us has ever shared with anybody else. I wouldn’t give that up for anything! I’m so hoping I can figure out a way to communicate to our children just how great a gift it is to wait for the right one.
Now I have to admit this: our wedding night lovemaking was far from great. I rather wish some wise experienced woman had pulled me aside and really told me what to expect. I laugh now to think how naive I was! It was very painful and not really physically pleasurable at all. It was still very psychologically pleasurable, but I couldn’t help but feel a bit disappointed. I knew it would hurt in some vague kind of way but had no idea it would hurt so much that I would barely be able to walk for the first half of the next day. OUCH!
Anyway, the physical aspect of our relationship could really only go up from that rather low point
Over 17 years later, we are still very much in love and have a much more satisfying sexual relationship than we did at the beginning. It’s a learned art to some extent, and I find that our marriage, like a good wine, has improved greatly over the years. It’s so much richer now! (don’t get me wrong—I was a giddily happy young married woman, but we’ve been through so much together at this point that our relationship has deepened and become even more satisfying over the years).
I was 18 when I met my husband, 19 when I started dating, and 21 when I married him. He is six years older than I am. I wouldn’t trade our young marriage for anything. We really did grow up together in many ways. We had wonderful energy, idealism, hope…what fun to start married life off like that!
As far as how to avoid sin, my best advice is to start by making a firm determination that it WON’T happen. My husband and I were both very committed to making it to our wedding night as virgins and didn’t even entertain the possibility of making love beforehand. Had we ever opened that door in our minds, I think it would have made it much harder for us to wait. So I’d say making a firm resolve is the first step. Prayer, keeping busy with wholesome activities, avoiding situations you know are going to be dicey, etc., are other practical bits of advice.
I don’t think dating for many years is ideal, although I do know of a (very) few couples who were together for years before getting married and didn’t sleep together. It’s extremely rare, though. Human nature is what it is, and biologically we are not programmed to wait years and years to mate. The constant fight of that biological urge can wear you down after a while. We married while still in college, and I have no regrets.
Now I have to admit this: our wedding night lovemaking was far from great. I rather wish some wise experienced woman had pulled me aside and really told me what to expect. I laugh now to think how naive I was!
It was very painful and not really physically pleasurable at all. It was still very psychologically pleasurable, but I couldn’t help but feel a bit disappointed. I knew it would hurt in some vague kind of way but had no idea it would hurt so much that I would barely be able to walk for the first half of the next day. OUCH!Anyway, the physical aspect of our relationship could really only go up from that rather low point
Over 17 years later, we are still very much in love and have a much more satisfying sexual relationship than we did at the beginning. It’s a learned art to some extent, and I find that our marriage, like a good wine, has improved greatly over the years. It’s so much richer now! (don’t get me wrong—I was a giddily happy young married woman, but we’ve been through so much together at this point that our relationship has deepened and become even more satisfying over the years).I was 18 when I met my husband, 19 when I started dating, and 21 when I married him. He is six years older than I am. I wouldn’t trade our young marriage for anything. We really did grow up together in many ways. We had wonderful energy, idealism, hope…what fun to start married life off like that!
As far as how to avoid sin, my best advice is to start by making a firm determination that it WON’T happen. My husband and I were both very committed to making it to our wedding night as virgins and didn’t even entertain the possibility of making love beforehand. Had we ever opened that door in our minds, I think it would have made it much harder for us to wait. So I’d say making a firm resolve is the first step. Prayer, keeping busy with wholesome activities, avoiding situations you know are going to be dicey, etc., are other practical bits of advice.
I don’t think dating for many years is ideal, although I do know of a (very) few couples who were together for years before getting married and didn’t sleep together. It’s extremely rare, though. Human nature is what it is, and biologically we are not programmed to wait years and years to mate. The constant fight of that biological urge can wear you down after a while. We married while still in college, and I have no regrets.
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thememphisman
Guest
hey man, crazy thing
i am in just about the same position. both my girlfriend and i are 18 and heading off to college next year. we’re both very serious catholics and absolutely will be waiting till marriage to have sex. but dude, i understand so much of how you feel. we waited over a year of us dating (having been best friends for over 3 years before we started dating so its like over 4 years) to say the words 'i love you" because we both knew the real meaning behind those words.
and yeh, we feel like eventually because we are in love, with genuine love, nothing bad can come from our relationship. that means that even if we break up during college (bc we are going to separate colleges) a good will have come from our love. so it that way we arent worried and to me, it sounds like you shouldnt be either. yall are in love, and it will hurt, but it will be worth it.
back to your original post. i too feel on those nights when my girlfriend and i are so close, that wow, i love this person so much - how do i express that? how do i express that without sex?
my girlfriend and i do kiss, rarely ever too too passionatley (bc we are cautious and probably a bit nerdy), but on those times we do, i find it hard not to think of sex. its so frustrating. i follow two different paths afterwards
path 1) i thank God for blessing me with such an amazing person, i say a short prayer on the way home, text or call my girlfriend and tell her how much i love her and how grateful i am to have her in my life, and go to bed happier than any man should be.
path 2) i get completely caught up in the idea of sex, knowing that i cannot do this with my girlfriend and quickly fall into the sins of pornography and masturbation
one choice is self gift, the other is selfish.
its clear which one is love
its clear which one is deserving of your future wife
dont make my mistake, thank God, and always know that only good can come from real love
i will pray for you and for your girlfriend
if you have the time, i would greatly appreciate your prayers
thanks
ps keep me posted on how this goes
i plan to propose when i am either 20 or 21, buying the ring however really soon bc, you know what, when God tells me to propose, gosh darn-it i will
i am in just about the same position. both my girlfriend and i are 18 and heading off to college next year. we’re both very serious catholics and absolutely will be waiting till marriage to have sex. but dude, i understand so much of how you feel. we waited over a year of us dating (having been best friends for over 3 years before we started dating so its like over 4 years) to say the words 'i love you" because we both knew the real meaning behind those words.
and yeh, we feel like eventually because we are in love, with genuine love, nothing bad can come from our relationship. that means that even if we break up during college (bc we are going to separate colleges) a good will have come from our love. so it that way we arent worried and to me, it sounds like you shouldnt be either. yall are in love, and it will hurt, but it will be worth it.
back to your original post. i too feel on those nights when my girlfriend and i are so close, that wow, i love this person so much - how do i express that? how do i express that without sex?
my girlfriend and i do kiss, rarely ever too too passionatley (bc we are cautious and probably a bit nerdy), but on those times we do, i find it hard not to think of sex. its so frustrating. i follow two different paths afterwards
path 1) i thank God for blessing me with such an amazing person, i say a short prayer on the way home, text or call my girlfriend and tell her how much i love her and how grateful i am to have her in my life, and go to bed happier than any man should be.
path 2) i get completely caught up in the idea of sex, knowing that i cannot do this with my girlfriend and quickly fall into the sins of pornography and masturbation
one choice is self gift, the other is selfish.
its clear which one is love
its clear which one is deserving of your future wife
dont make my mistake, thank God, and always know that only good can come from real love
i will pray for you and for your girlfriend
if you have the time, i would greatly appreciate your prayers
thanks
ps keep me posted on how this goes
i plan to propose when i am either 20 or 21, buying the ring however really soon bc, you know what, when God tells me to propose, gosh darn-it i will
D
dillonhudson
Guest
rotlex:
Thank you for your experience! I am happy for you and your wife and your marriage together. I however know that having sex outside of marriage would destroy my relationship with my girlfriend and that things would just fall apart…
lovemysix:
I’m sorry that your wedding night was not as pleasurable as you’d wished it would be.
EXPLICIT WARNING:
I haven’t masturbated in over 8 months, and as a result ejaculation will be a very very painful process in 5 months time when I get married. I plan on seeing a doctor about a week before my wedding to get some advice on how to lessen the pain. As for my future wife, well I think a really really long massage might lessen the pain for her…
Thank you for your experience! I am happy for you and your wife and your marriage together. I however know that having sex outside of marriage would destroy my relationship with my girlfriend and that things would just fall apart…
lovemysix:
I’m sorry that your wedding night was not as pleasurable as you’d wished it would be.
EXPLICIT WARNING:
I haven’t masturbated in over 8 months, and as a result ejaculation will be a very very painful process in 5 months time when I get married. I plan on seeing a doctor about a week before my wedding to get some advice on how to lessen the pain. As for my future wife, well I think a really really long massage might lessen the pain for her…
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Viki63
Guest
TLM08:
Haha yes I know its fun
Well, don’t put too much of a burden of expectation on that one night. It will hopefully be the first of a long marriage, to improve as time goes on. . .However, I just wanted to mention that one good reason to wait is so that the first night is not just another night, like many preceeding. You want it to be special.
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Viki63
Guest
TLM08:
Haha yes I know its fun
Well, don’t put too much of a burden of expectation on that one night. It will hopefully be the first of a long marriage, to improve as time goes on. . .However, I just wanted to mention that one good reason to wait is so that the first night is not just another night, like many preceeding. You want it to be special.
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06convert
Guest
If you have sex before you are married that says something about the both of you.
In a sense, it says that you are both willing to have sex with someone other than your spouse. Do you feel comfortable marrying someone that is willing to have sex with someone that isn’t their spouse?
If you have sex before you get married you both become an object of pleasure for one another. Which cheapens your relationship with each other and with God.
Marriage isn’t all about sex, it’s not all about good times and great feelings. There are rough times too. The love that you have for one another evolves into something more than a physical attraction. Although, that attraction remains to some degree, it’s not the same. So save what you have now for the first few years of marriage. Then your marriage can continue into something much more. If you give in now, you’ll get married and there will be nothing more to give.
My wife and I waited, it was difficult, but worth it!
In a sense, it says that you are both willing to have sex with someone other than your spouse. Do you feel comfortable marrying someone that is willing to have sex with someone that isn’t their spouse?
If you have sex before you get married you both become an object of pleasure for one another. Which cheapens your relationship with each other and with God.
Marriage isn’t all about sex, it’s not all about good times and great feelings. There are rough times too. The love that you have for one another evolves into something more than a physical attraction. Although, that attraction remains to some degree, it’s not the same. So save what you have now for the first few years of marriage. Then your marriage can continue into something much more. If you give in now, you’ll get married and there will be nothing more to give.
My wife and I waited, it was difficult, but worth it!
J
JG77
Guest
If you are waiting to have sex (which is a good thing) it does not sound like you are doing it too virtuously. It seems by your post that you are already having thoughts of lust about this girl in your having thoughts of intense desire around her. You may have purity in mind now by your waiting but it does not seem so in the way you are talking about it. Make sure you are 100% about your purity and chastity. No offense, but someone who was would not be talking about their girlfriend in that way on the forums. Sounds to me like you need to be looking more into what God’s plan is for the conjugal act - then as you find out more God’s plan for husband and wife in that context it should make this time of waiting for you till you get married more valuable than what you consider it now.
Ever heard of Theology of the Body? Might be a book you could read in regards to this.
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manualman
Guest
I don’t understand this quote. First off, the facts have changed. I thought you had decided marriage was NOT an option in the forseeable future? Now it’s 5 months off? And I REALLY don’t understand your expectation of pain! I got married at 29 and have no idea what you are talking about. When your body physically needs to take care of business, it will do so while you sleep. Worry not.
As for her issues on the honeymoon… post again shortly beforehand. You don’t need to know that yet!
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dillonhudson
Guest
Viki63:
Thanks for the (name removed by moderator)ut.
06convert:
Thank you. I visited my grandparents these past couple of days and they’re 82 years old. I’ve come to realize that more than husband and wife, they’ve become best friends.
JG77:
Do you have a problem with me? Something against 17 year old guys who have raging hormones? Sorry that I can’t talk to my dad about this or anyone in my family. I have to come onto a website like this because I wonder if I’m normal. I wonder what waiting until you get married before you have sex, because neither of my parents waited… Maybe you should stop being so judgemental and presumptious. I’m doing the best that I can.
manualman:
My apologies, I meant to say 5 years!
Thanks for the (name removed by moderator)ut.
06convert:
Thank you. I visited my grandparents these past couple of days and they’re 82 years old. I’ve come to realize that more than husband and wife, they’ve become best friends.
JG77:
Do you have a problem with me? Something against 17 year old guys who have raging hormones? Sorry that I can’t talk to my dad about this or anyone in my family. I have to come onto a website like this because I wonder if I’m normal. I wonder what waiting until you get married before you have sex, because neither of my parents waited… Maybe you should stop being so judgemental and presumptious. I’m doing the best that I can.
manualman:
My apologies, I meant to say 5 years!
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Fone_Bone_2001
Guest
Win.
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Rafaela
Guest
I got pregnant in our wedding night, so babies are a consequence definitely, and conception can happen from one time. :yeah_me:
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dillonhudson
Guest
Wow thats amazing
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chain
Guest
I know people come to this board from different places - I suspect a lot are here because we are trying to come back to our faith, or find it for the first time. I also suspect many posts are from the position - I felt like that when I was your age/position, I made that mistake too, looking back I wish I would have done otherwise.
Quite often that is where most advice comes from - as the song goes “dusting off experiance”.
As for it being less of sin if engaged. I really don’t know. In some/many ways it is worse. In a one night stand, using the person is a given - there is no implied trust. But using your fiance as an object violates the trust between you. After that, your relationship might be viewed as about sex (more dusting off experiance).
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valient_Lucy
Guest
More fun? If that’s the crux of your issue, I see several problems.
1 Fun is completely irrelevant. People in the world act on the basis of what is the most fun, but we as Christians (and Catholics) are called to act on a much more profound basis. We are to ask ourselves, “What does God command us to do?” God commands us to not engage in sex outside of marriage.
2 You’re setting yourself up for dissappointment by worrying about whether sex is going to be more fun after marriage. I think many people, in the effort to convince young people to abstain from sex before marriage, promise them that it will be worth the wait, only to leave the young people dissappointed when they discover that marriage does not cure lust and that married people have to work at controlling their desires and experience sexual frustration as well. The reality is, getting married won’t mean the end of your sexual frustration. If anything, it may only heighten the experience.
3 Outside of sex, the attitude of asking “what is more fun?” is incompatible to a successful and holy marriage. Two friends of mine were married two years ago, and even though the two of them are very happy and content, there hasn’t been a whole lot of “fun” in their marriage. They spent the first six months of their marriage living apart, and once they finally moved in together, he got a very bad case of pnemonia and struggled to find work. He eventually found work 2,000 miles away, but she was still finishing her schooling. So, they spent another six months or so living on opposite ends of the country. Oh, and she was pregnant. After the baby was born, they moved in together, again, and he was diagnosed with diabetes. Lots of fun. And you know what? This is nothing! A few weeks ago, I heard a woman talk about how her husband had a debilitating stroke. He lost his abillity to walk, speak, and chew. She spent the remaining 30+ years of her marriage carrying her husband up and down the stairs twice a day.
Basically, the question we all have to ask ourselves is NOT “What is more fun?” The question we all have to ask ourselves everyday is, “Am I going to do the will of God, EVEN IF it makes me miserable?”
1 Fun is completely irrelevant. People in the world act on the basis of what is the most fun, but we as Christians (and Catholics) are called to act on a much more profound basis. We are to ask ourselves, “What does God command us to do?” God commands us to not engage in sex outside of marriage.
2 You’re setting yourself up for dissappointment by worrying about whether sex is going to be more fun after marriage. I think many people, in the effort to convince young people to abstain from sex before marriage, promise them that it will be worth the wait, only to leave the young people dissappointed when they discover that marriage does not cure lust and that married people have to work at controlling their desires and experience sexual frustration as well. The reality is, getting married won’t mean the end of your sexual frustration. If anything, it may only heighten the experience.
3 Outside of sex, the attitude of asking “what is more fun?” is incompatible to a successful and holy marriage. Two friends of mine were married two years ago, and even though the two of them are very happy and content, there hasn’t been a whole lot of “fun” in their marriage. They spent the first six months of their marriage living apart, and once they finally moved in together, he got a very bad case of pnemonia and struggled to find work. He eventually found work 2,000 miles away, but she was still finishing her schooling. So, they spent another six months or so living on opposite ends of the country. Oh, and she was pregnant. After the baby was born, they moved in together, again, and he was diagnosed with diabetes. Lots of fun. And you know what? This is nothing! A few weeks ago, I heard a woman talk about how her husband had a debilitating stroke. He lost his abillity to walk, speak, and chew. She spent the remaining 30+ years of her marriage carrying her husband up and down the stairs twice a day.
Basically, the question we all have to ask ourselves is NOT “What is more fun?” The question we all have to ask ourselves everyday is, “Am I going to do the will of God, EVEN IF it makes me miserable?”
J
Janechantal53
Guest
Basically, the question we all have to ask ourselves is NOT “What is more fun?” The question we all have to ask ourselves everyday is, “Am I going to do the will of God, EVEN IF it makes me miserable?”
From someone who can honestly say I’ve experienced a great many trials in my marriage due to my husband’s protracted illness, I couldn’t disagree more. It is not about the will of God and being miserable… It is about learning to see the beauty of the will of God in the face of what appears to be disaster and being grateful for the opportunity to really learn what love is all about. God takes my breath away…
From someone who can honestly say I’ve experienced a great many trials in my marriage due to my husband’s protracted illness, I couldn’t disagree more. It is not about the will of God and being miserable… It is about learning to see the beauty of the will of God in the face of what appears to be disaster and being grateful for the opportunity to really learn what love is all about. God takes my breath away…
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valient_Lucy
Guest
I’m not saying that a person will be miserable if he does the will of God. I’m simply pointing out that doing the will of God will, invariably, involve doing things that, on the surface, may make us think that we are going to be miserable. Abraham ulitmately didn’t become miserable for binding, and nearly sacrificing, his son in obedience to God’s will, but I doubt that he relished the idea of sacrificing his son, or found that particular request easy to fulfill.
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Timbothefiveth
Guest
Yes, because you will know you 2 aren’t using each other and never have.
I can honestly say yes it is. The first couple times are unique. If you throw those away before marriage you’ll really regret it.
I think it probably won’t.
- Status