Extended Family Conundrum

[EmRoAmRo]

My husband and I both have Catholic families. My family is practicing and adheres to the church. I have siblings that have considered religious life etc. My husband was an alter server as a child and his family was more or less practicing until about 5 years ago. His brother, his sister, and then his mother all left the church. His father is still practicing. After this happened, his mother has allowed her daughter to have a live in boyfriend IN THEIR house and espoused very anti-Catholic sentiment to me in private. I have fear for the formation of my children’s consciences and potential confusion. How would you handle this? I WANT them in my children’s lives, and it would make me so happy for them to return to the church. That isn’t going to happen save for an act of the Holy Spirit at present. Also, how can you politely decline having your child in a wedding that is in another church without dispensation? As I understand it, it is wrong for them to participate in a non-sacramental marriage. How do I handle the coming troubles I’m so disconcerted and scared Thank you for all your help. God bless you all!

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Actually it would be best if your husband would set these boundaries with his family. If it were me, I would never allow my children to be alone with my MIL, BIL or SIL. Not for fear of abuse, but because they could make all sorts of statements about the Church or God and no one would be there to counter that. The kids just suck it up and believe it - after all, Grandma said it, so it has to be true, right? Very dangerous to your family’s faith formation to allow anti-Catholics to have unfettered access to the children. Easy to control this because you shouldn’t be visiting your in-laws’ house anyway since his sister is shacking up there with her boyfriend.

As for the wedding, no Catholic can marry in another church without dispensation of form (I think it’s called). The marriage is not valid. But if you get into that, you’re gonna get WWIII. I would just say, “Sorry, we have other plans, but we wish you all the best.”

JMO, of course. But set the boundaries, have your husband talk to his family if possible, and don’t let them spend time with the children without you or your husband present. And, discuss what you will say to them if something anti-Catholic happens to pop out even WITH you present (it might). If your husband is present he should ALWAYS take the lead (but some men won’t). But if not, he needs to stand behind YOU 100%.

Don’t fight your husband’s battles with his family - sometimes the wife ends up catching hell from both sides. Let him set the boundaries and then stick to them.

 

[EmRoAmRo]

Actually it would be best if your husband would set these boundaries with his family. If it were me, I would never allow my children to be alone with my MIL, BIL or SIL. Not for fear of abuse, but because they could make all sorts of statements about the Church or God and no one would be there to counter that. The kids just suck it up and believe it - after all, Grandma said it, so it has to be true, right? Very dangerous to your family’s faith formation to allow anti-Catholics to have unfettered access to the children. Easy to control this because you shouldn’t be visiting your in-laws’ house anyway since his sister is shacking up there with her boyfriend.

As for the wedding, no Catholic can marry in another church without dispensation of form (I think it’s called). The marriage is not valid. But if you get into that, you’re gonna get WWIII. I would just say, “Sorry, we have other plans, but we wish you all the best.”

JMO, of course. But set the boundaries, have your husband talk to his family if possible, and don’t let them spend time with the children without you or your husband present. And, discuss what you will say to them if something anti-Catholic happens to pop out even WITH you present (it might). If your husband is present he should ALWAYS take the lead (but some men won’t). But if not, he needs to stand behind YOU 100%.

Don’t fight your husband’s battles with his family - sometimes the wife ends up catching hell from both sides. Let him set the boundaries and then stick to them.

I am so thankful for your response. I will share it with my husband later tonight He and I are on the same page thankfully and we have had some conversations, but they were more general and not clear.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

My husband and I both have Catholic families. My family is practicing and adheres to the church. I have siblings that have considered religious life etc. My husband was an alter server as a child and his family was more or less practicing until about 5 years ago. His brother, his sister, and then his mother all left the church. His father is still practicing. After this happened, his mother has allowed her daughter to have a live in boyfriend IN THEIR house and espoused very anti-Catholic sentiment to me in private. I have fear for the formation of my children’s consciences and potential confusion. How would you handle this? I WANT them in my children’s lives, and it would make me so happy for them to return to the church. That isn’t going to happen save for an act of the Holy Spirit at present. Also, how can you politely decline having your child in a wedding that is in another church without dispensation? As I understand it, it is wrong for them to participate in a non-sacramental marriage. How do I handle the coming troubles I’m so disconcerted and scared Thank you for all your help. God bless you all!

Bolding mine.

If you don’t want them in the wedding just turn it down. You don’t have to give a reason just say that they are unavailable.

However, if you would want them to participate but you think they can’t then talk to a priest. I have several devout Catholics participating in my wedding who all got permission from their priests.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

I am so thankful for your response. I will share it with my husband later tonight He and I are on the same page thankfully and we have had some conversations, but they were more general and not clear.

I have deep experience with the damage a close relative can do if given access to a child. Unfortunately. We should have known better, but we gave him too much leeway and got burned.

The book Boundaries can be found in libraries and has been immensely helpful to me, and many others.

 

[EmRoAmRo]

I too had my faith suffer because of extended family. I thought ‘I love them so much and I don’t think they are bad people so maybe my parents are wrong.’ It was a slow process but I left the church and then returned thanks to a woman unafraid to ask the hard questions or offend me!