Extreme Anxiety before Wedding?

[McMcMe]

A lifetime of marriage is a long time to have a feud with your MIL. You can’t control the crazy she brings to the table but you can control what you do. I’d think long and hard before conspiring with your MoH to “boycott” the shower. Throwing fuel on the fire isn’t the healthiest way to set boundaries–which should be your primary goal with your in laws.

 

[Sarabande]

A lifetime of marriage is a long time to have a feud with your MIL. You can’t control the crazy she brings to the table but you can control what you do. I’d think long and hard before conspiring with your MoH to “boycott” the shower. Throwing fuel on the fire isn’t the healthiest way to set boundaries–which should be your primary goal with your in laws.

McMcMe makes a very good point. You won’t be able to change your MIL’s ideas and boycotting the shower won’t make good relations between the two of you. Even if your MOH uses the excuse that you just didn’t want to come out, everyone knows that the bride usually knows or has an idea when a shower is going to happen even if it’s supposed to be a surprise. I have never heard of a bride missing a surprise shower because she just didn’t feel like going out that day. You might be doing it to make a point to your MIL, but also think about all of the other people who took off of their own lives and families to come a celebrate this shower. It would be good to be considerate to them. Also, although it is inconsiderate of your MIL to choose a place which doesn’t offer much gluten-free food, brides almost never have a choice as to what their showers are going to be like, where it will be held, what food will be served, etc. It’s to the discretion of the person(s) throwing the shower.

 

[Sarabande]

This really bothers me. I don’t know your fiance or his friend, but for me, if my husband had a female OR male friend who was constantly telling him to leave me and that I was holding him back, etc., I’d be very upset and we’d have to have a serious talk. Honestly, I would probably tell him that he needs to distance himself from this woman. I know that I’m only going by what was written here, but I wouldn’t trust women “friends” who say things like that. Could this partly be a cause of your anxiety as well?

Ooops!!! I meant to only have this. I didn’t mean the other part of your quote in there. Sorry about that.

 

[Lorelei12]

His mother, well, I’ve posted about her quite a bit here, to my chagrin. I recently found out that she had decided to host a bridal shower for me, at a pizza place… knowing full well I have a gluten allergy. Her response to my MoH asking her why she’d do that: “Well, we all like pizza. She can eat a salad or something. Or eat before hand.”

Has she sent out any invitations yet? If she has, I think you might be stuck. I’d definitely not just decide not to go, if not for her, then for everyone else who shows up to be there for you and bring you gifts. Although it’s completely insensitive and ridiculous of your future mother in law, the gracious thing is to show up anyway.

If she has not sent invitations, could you talk with her yourself, instead of leaving it up to your maid of honor? I know the bride isn’t really supposed to be troubled with the planning of anything, but in this instance it might be better to step in. She might not completely understand what having a gluten allergy means, and need you to explain to her that although you appreciate that she wants to throw you a shower, you would like to be able to eat along with everyone else. You might suggest some other ideas for affordable restaurants or even find a gluten-free pizza place (they seem to be becoming more common, at least where I live).

 

[VeritasLuxMea]

To answer some questions…

I am paying the other 1/3rd. The two of us are paying for the whole wedding ourselves, I am just acknowledging the fact that he’s contributing more than I to the wedding budget.

As far as compromising on the groomsmen, there is a female friend of his who I bluntly do not like. She is not Catholic (says she’s a “wiccan”) is extremely promiscuous – IN PUBLIC, and has told my fiance multiple times that he should leave me, and the catholic church, because we’re “holding him back” and since I want kids I’m trying to “trap” him. He asked her to be a groomsman without telling me until after she said yes. I was very upset about it because the last time I saw her she grabbed my breasts and said that we should have a threesome.

Whoa… I’m sure the groom has his own side of that story, and it’s probably quite different. But if what you say is even **half **true, he should cut off all contact with this woman.

I’m not compromising with the groom on most of this. It’s his mother and his mother’s friends. And most of the compromises came at the same time, when they were promising to help pay for the wedding, and then they pulled out, and I couldn’t afford the things they chose, so I was forced to compromise for budgetary reasons for things I didn’t want, because what I did want (and could afford) was already booked. I made a post about this a while ago, where his mother promised to help pay for things, and then pulled out at the last minute.

Awww

As for the bridal shower, I am planning on not attending. It’s supposed to be a surprise, and only my MoH knows I know about it, and since she’s the one who’s supposed to bring me there, she’s going to say that I didn’t want to go out that day.

Good. Don’t attend it. If you need moral support on this matter, I think the posters in this thread would** unanimously **agree with your decision, so that ought to tell you you’ve made the right choice. Edit: so much for the unanimous thing, the poster above actually disagrees here.

Look, I would definitely not attend, but to find the middle ground here, the right thing to do is to warn certain people that you will not be there.

 

[Lorelei12]

As far as compromising on the groomsmen, there is a female friend of his who I bluntly do not like. She is not Catholic (says she’s a “wiccan”) is extremely promiscuous – IN PUBLIC, and has told my fiance multiple times that he should leave me, and the catholic church, because we’re “holding him back” and since I want kids I’m trying to “trap” him. He asked her to be a groomsman without telling me until after she said yes. I was very upset about it because the last time I saw her she grabbed my breasts and said that we should have a threesome.

Yikes. What does your fiancé have to say about all of this? I mean, she basically sexually assaulted you. And then he asked her behind your back to be in your wedding? I would be having a very serious conversation with him, if I were you. I agree with the other posters that it would be appropriate for him to put distance between himself and this woman. Even to the point of a dis-inviting her to be a part of the wedding party or even the wedding. It’s not okay for him to not back you up on this.

 

[EasterJoy]

… there is a female friend of his who I bluntly do not like. She is not Catholic (says she’s a “wiccan”) is extremely promiscuous – IN PUBLIC, and has told my fiance multiple times that he should leave me, and the catholic church, because we’re “holding him back” and since I want kids I’m trying to “trap” him. He asked her to be a groomsman without telling me until after she said yes. I was very upset about it because the last time I saw her she grabbed my breasts and said that we should have a threesome…

How did he handle it when she did that? I mean, really, who would tolerate watching a “friend” who treats other people that way, let alone one’s fiancé, and says nothing? She’s not just being boorish; she’s bullying you right in front of him, that is the real issue. If your FH thinks you ought to just tolerate her with no attempt on his part to rein her in, and then welcome this person into your wedding party, he’s being very unrealisitc. It would not be out-of-bounds for either of you to veto a “friend” like that, even if the boorish behavior happened after the invitation to be in the wedding party had been issued. If she and your husband thinks that “groomsmen” have carte blanche to treat the bride however they like because she’s powerless to eject anyone she likes from the wedding party, they can think again. (This even goes for the best man and maid or matron of honor, for crying out loud. No one is there over the objections of either the bride or the groom.)

I’m not compromising with the groom on most of this. It’s his mother and his mother’s friends. And most of the compromises came at the same time, when they were promising to help pay for the wedding, and then they pulled out, and I couldn’t afford the things they chose, so I was forced to compromise for budgetary reasons for things I didn’t want, because what I did want (and could afford) was already booked. I made a post about this a while ago, where his mother promised to help pay for things, and then pulled out at the last minute.

Water under the bridge, although something to keep in mind for the future.

As for the bridal shower, I am planning on not attending. It’s supposed to be a surprise, and only my MoH knows I know about it, and since she’s the one who’s supposed to bring me there, she’s going to say that I didn’t want to go out that day.

Unless it will make you sick to breathe the air in a pizza parlor (and I know gluten-sensitive people who feel that way), eat before you go, but go. It’s not good to refuse when someone wants to make you the guest of honor at a party. If you can’t go, extend your regrets that you can’t, and that if you didn’t have past experience that taught you to stay far away from pizza parlors, you wouldn’t dream of turning her down.

You have to tolerate the relatives far more than you have to tolerate friends, that is the bottom line, but that means that each spouse defends the other against incursions by family. Your FH ought to have stepped in on the pizza parlor thing: “No, Mom, you are not asking her to be the guest of honor in a restaurant that serves nothing more substantial than lettuce that she can eat. That is too rude.” If he won’t do that, then it is in your best interest to be as gracious about it as you can.

 

[Allegra]

Do I have this right? Your future husband has a female friend who disrespects you both verbally and physically and rather than kicking the scank to the curb like a reasonable fiance, he demands that she be a “groomsman”? Meanwhile, the issue on which you are laying down the hammer is the party that your future MIL is throwing in your honor, so family and friends can give you gifts, because you don’t eat pizza.

I suggest that you are focusing your limited will to assert yourself on entirely the wrong situation. This chick is poison and need to go. This is less about her presence being truely annoying and inappropriate during your wedding day and more about her presence being distructive during your marriage. You are still in discernment. I highly suggest that the world comes off it’s axis until this situation is resolved. A suitable compromise is that you will forgive your fiance for exposing you to his crude, abusive, and disrespectful friend as long as you never have to look at her ugly face again.

 

[EasterJoy]

This is one of those “serenity prayer” situations, where it is worth considering in prayer what can be changed and what must be accepted, with help from God to discern the difference. When that process gets overwhelming, it is not time to panic. It is time to seek help from someone one solid spiritual ground, either a pastor or a spiritual friend. Even Our Lord had his Simon of Cyrene. That ought to tell us something about how to negotiate our trials.

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.

–Reinhold Niebuhr

We can help the OP discern what her possible options are and where the things she is facing fall on the continuum of general acceptability, but the best course for her is something for her to discern with someone she can look in the eye, who can hear her voice, who can put a hand on her hand. Sometimes the right thing to do in marriage is to graciously accept what is usually unacceptable; other times, it is better for the marriage for one party to advocate frankly on her own behalf. That is a process that is learned over time, and it is unique to each relationship.

 

[Allegra]

Sometimes the right thing to do in marriage is to graciously accept what is usually unacceptable; other times, it is better for the marriage for one party to advocate frankly on her own behalf. That is a process that is learned over time, and it is unique to each relationship.

THis is quite true. However, the OP isn’t married yet. She is under no obligation to accept anything. She deserves a husband who will stand up for her. If she has anxiety issues, other than the kind that are come by a pushy and manipulative family environment, she NEEDS a husband who will stand up for her and stand by her. In courtship, unacceptable is unacceptable.

 

[KendraDZ1902]

If you don’t show up to your bridal shower, you will have a lot of women who will not be happy with you. Just because your MIL didn’t pick whatever place you wanted doesn’t mean you can just decide to not show up. If I took the time to go shopping for a bride and then she had the audacity to “not feel like leaving the house,” I would take the gift back to the store and she wouldn’t get anything from me. I’m sure I’m not the only guest who would feel the same way.

 

[EasterJoy]

THis is quite true. However, the OP isn’t married yet. She is under no obligation to accept anything. She deserves a husband who will stand up for her. If she has anxiety issues, other than the kind that are come by a pushy and manipulative family environment, she NEEDS a husband who will stand up for her and stand by her. In courtship, unacceptable is unacceptable.

Well, what she expects from her husband, what she is willing to tolerate and what she is not willing to tolerate, is up to her. He’s failing in fiancé-care, but he’s not gotten to the point that he’s being abusive. The trials with the MIL are real trials, but hardly atypical. So yes, she has to decide what she is going to accept and what she is going to need to move to change. That is a decision that needs some prayer, not just an understanding of the rules of polite behavior.

 

[EasterJoy]

If you don’t show up to your bridal shower, you will have a lot of women who will not be happy with you. Just because your MIL didn’t pick whatever place you wanted doesn’t mean you can just decide to not show up. If I took the time to go shopping for a bride and then she had the audacity to “not feel like leaving the house,” I would take the gift back to the store and she wouldn’t get anything from me. I’m sure I’m not the only guest who would feel the same way.

It isn’t just a place she doesn’t like. I know people who are gluten-intolerant who can’t spend 30 minutes in a pizza parlor without getting a splitting headache. Apparently the dust in the air is totally flour-laden, and they breathe the gluten in.

At any rate, yes, she should go if the place won’t make her sick. If it might, though, one would hope that the MIL will cover for her and say that she was not able to come for health reasons. She can just tell the truth, which is probably something like this, “I knew she had a gluten allergy when I booked this place, but you know, they have things on the menu other than pizza! I didn’t know that pizza parlors have so much flour in the air–you know, because they spin the dough around in the air–that they give some intolerant people a splitting headache, and Janie is one of them. I told her we wouldn’t do that to her, the poor thing!”

If the pizza parlor has free Wi-Fi (as some do), she can be there on Skype!

 

[Allegra]

Well, what she expects from her husband, what she is willing to tolerate and what she is not willing to tolerate, is up to her. He’s failing in fiancé-care, but he’s not gotten to the point that he’s being abusive. The trials with the MIL are real trials, but hardly atypical. So yes, she has to decide what she is going to accept and what she is going to need to move to change. That is a decision that needs some prayer, not just an understanding of the rules of polite behavior.

I didn’t say that the fiance was abusive. Misguided in his priorities maybe, but not abusive. When I said abusive, I was refering to the boob-grabbing friend he’s bringing around and expecting to have stand up at his wedding.

 

[EasterJoy]

I didn’t say that the fiance was abusive. Misguided in his priorities maybe, but not abusive. When I said abusive, I was refering to the boob-grabbing friend he’s bringing around and expecting to have stand up at his wedding.

Sorry, I meant that as a clarification, rather than as a correction! Yes, I only meant that this isn’t a cut-and-dried situation where the difficulties are violating non-negotiable boundaries. People have been happily married for a lifetime by knowing which of life’s lesser problems they are willing to accept and which they aren’t. Sometimes that includes deciding to put up with a boorish friend or two, while sometimes it means putting your foot down and insisting on direct protection from boors, both known and stranger. It just depends.

I’m only saying that while (obviously) no one ought to feel free to choose a marriage that is objectively abusive, which of the lesser problems one is willing to live with or not depends on the individual spouse-to-be and what he or she can or can’t tolerate. What one spouse puts up with in good cheer can be a lifelong-stressor to another couple and a Day-1-dealbreaker for a third. If you look at ten lifelong marriages, you’ll find that most of the marriages have some features that most of the spouses in the other marriages would not be willing to put up with. It is just a different package of “negotiated features” in each marriage!

The Serenity Prayer should not be mistaken for a plea to heaven to “make me into a good and kind doormat”. That is not good for anyone, the offenders included. One of the things that people in addiction treatment learn is how to draw boundaries in a firm but constructive way, because many addictions started as self-medication against the pain of living in toxic relationships where the problems are swept under the rug instead of addressed directly. I would think the same applies to anxiety issues: not that they can’t be purely organic, but that there is much less stress in one’s life when one feels confident about drawing boundaries and worthy to draw them, yet humble enough to accept the boundaries that life puts upon one in return, and knowing how to navigate where those lines are and ought to be. That is what I’m trying to get at.

A wedding is the spot to start learning what will be a lifetime of give-and-take, drawing lines and giving in, being tolerant and gracious and yet firm about right and wrong, and deciding which is the most authentic in a given set of circumstances. It is kind of a trial by fire, though…but hey, it will make remodeling or building a home look comparatively do-able!

 

[underacloud]

Has she sent out any invitations yet? If she has, I think you might be stuck. I’d definitely not just decide not to go, if not for her, then for everyone else who shows up to be there for you and bring you gifts. Although it’s completely insensitive and ridiculous of your future mother in law, the gracious thing is to show up anyway.

If she has not sent invitations, could you talk with her yourself, instead of leaving it up to your maid of honor? I know the bride isn’t really supposed to be troubled with the planning of anything, but in this instance it might be better to step in. She might not completely understand what having a gluten allergy means, and need you to explain to her that although you appreciate that she wants to throw you a shower, you would like to be able to eat along with everyone else. You might suggest some other ideas for affordable restaurants or even find a gluten-free pizza place (they seem to be becoming more common, at least where I live).

I think this is the best advice with regard to the shower. If the venue can be changed, then try to pursue it, but if it can’t be changed at this stage and being in a pizza restaurant won’t make you sick then you should go for the sake of your future family harmony and the other guests who weren’t a party to this ridiculous decision.

I’d be very tempted on the day to make some snide comments that your guests can decode such as: “I’m very hungry, but there’s really nothing I can eat here”…but that would be uncharitable.

 

[EasterJoy]

I think this is the best advice with regard to the shower. If the venue can be changed, then try to pursue it, but if it can’t be changed at this stage and being in a pizza restaurant won’t make you sick then you should go for the sake of your future family harmony and the other guests who weren’t a party to this ridiculous decision.

I’d be very tempted on the day to make some snide comments that your guests can decode such as: “I’m very hungry, but there’s really nothing I can eat here”…but that would be uncharitable.

Embarrass MIL in front of her friends in haste, then repent at your leisure…for year after year after year…

Choose battles with family wisely. Choosing the way someone makes you her guest of honor or choosing to criticize a hostess in front of her friends as your battlefield is a very bad choice. Do not do that to your MIL.

 

[underacloud]

Embarrass MIL in front of her friends in haste, then repent at your leisure…for year after year after year…

Choose battles with family wisely. Choosing the way someone makes you her guest of honor or choosing to criticize a hostess in front of her friends as your battlefield is a very bad choice. Do not do that to your MIL.

I’m sure you can see that I said it as a joke. I certainly would not do such a thing.

However, I would try to resolve this issue ahead of the event. A pizza restaurant is completely inappropriate, and someone needs to get this point across to the MIL. It is not usually the place for the future husband to be involved in such things, but he could quite easily ask his mother why she would choose such a venue and suggest an alternative. This could be done with no cause for embarrassment, and not resentment from MIL to wife.

In fact, given the details of the grooms(wo)man and all the other related issues, I wonder what exactly the fiance is doing in all of this? He doesn’t seem to be supporting the OP as well as he could.

 

[Kelfa28]

I’m seriously bristling at some of the things I’ve been reading about this wedding. If it were my wedding and I was meeting this level of resistance…I would have thrown my hands up and scheduled a quick ceremony in the Church with the deacon…whenever he had time available.
I came close to doing this with my wedding…and the only resistance I got was from my MIL about the guest list.
Hubby nipped that in the bud quickly with one phone call.

OP…is your mother invited to this shower?

Anyway she could potentially diffuse the situation by telling the MIL that a pizza restaurant is not appropriate for you due to your health?

Maybe you could pack a dinner for yourself? Kind of a practical, yet subtle way to let your MIL know this was not a good idea.
You should still go. But I can see your clear frustration. If the environment is too much for you to bear…stay for a little while?

I see it as something similar to my family hosting a party for me at a farm. I have awful, awful pet dander allergies…I’m almost allergic to most furry creatures, that I know of. Most of my family members have pets and I usually bring some Benadryl, wash my hands frequently and try not to pet the animals. I leave when it becomes too much.

As for the bridal party.
That girl would have been kicked out the second she did anything inappropriate like that to me. It would have stopped the second I started hearing that she wanted us to break up and/or do a three-way.
That is a non-negotiable. I would have put my foot down and said absolutely not…no way. She is trouble and not allowed on the guest list…let alone the bridal party.

You really need to sit down with your Fiancé and talk about this. Some of the threads you’ve made about the level of disrespect for you and your boundaries, when it comes to this wedding, are alarming. Seriously alarming.

I’m not so sure this will stop after the wedding either. What happens when the kids start coming in?
You need to set clear boundaries. Pronto.
For your own health and well-being.

 

[EasterJoy]

I’m sure you can see that I said it as a joke. I certainly would not do such a thing.

However, I would try to resolve this issue ahead of the event. A pizza restaurant is completely inappropriate, and someone needs to get this point across to the MIL. It is not usually the place for the future husband to be involved in such things, but he could quite easily ask his mother why she would choose such a venue and suggest an alternative. This could be done with no cause for embarrassment, and not resentment from MIL to wife.

In fact, given the details of the grooms(wo)man and all the other related issues, I wonder what exactly the fiance is doing in all of this? He doesn’t seem to be supporting the OP as well as he could.

Exactly. You don’t do it, but you think it! That is why there are a lot of MIL jokes out there, and why “Everybody Loves Raymond.”

In my experience, someone like the MIL has friends who are themselves very aware of how clueless she is. When they see her future DIL rising above that, it is a source of admiration, without her ever saying anything…and they will see it, usually long before the MIL does!!

Yes, when it comes to food sensitivities that the future in MIL just does not comprehend (and similar things), the groom does normally step in and try to reason with his mother about it, often under the pretext that his bride would rise above it except that he won’t allow her to do it. That allows his bride to remain above the fray…sometimes it takes people with overbearing parents awhile to realize how much better it works when they go to bat instead of watching the fireworks when their spouse has to do it!!